Echo

I fell asleep at work today and dreamed someone shot me.

In the afternoon, I went to see an eccentric, hippy-ish but adorable podiatrist who looked like a Pacific Northwest trail guide transplanted into a sterile doctor’s office in the middle of polished Los Angeles. I loved it! He was working on me and asked me about my experience in PR/Marketing. I said I’d be happy to do some PR work for him and asked if he was looking for a freelancer as opposed to a full-time person. He said, “I need a freelancer. [pause, turns away] I need a freelancer for my wife.” I was taken aback for a moment cuz I thought he was saying, he needed someone to sub-in as his wife and I thought, WHAT THE HELL??? (Yes, the collective hindsight of my wait-a-minute moments of obliviousness with creepy old men has made me very jumpy.)

But then he went on to say that his wife was starting up a practice and would need PR.

This world confuses me. I don’t know whether to be really onguard with people or really trusting, because the world definitely keeps me guessing.

My physical therapist is the bomb. (I know you love your gyno, Amber, but I bet my PT could kick your gyno’s ass. Yes, I am seven). She makes me laugh and makes me feel less bummed about my back, and reminds me of those great times back when we were all kids, when things were still simple, and how comfortable it felt to be around other kids who you absolutely trusted because they were still young and so open and just decent.

God. LA can make a person feel so cynical and spiritually isolated. But for every hundred people I meet who are the selfish, self-centered kind, the ones who are always taking advantage of other people, are motivated by ulterior motives and are, just generally, people who don’t appreciate or care about other people, all it takes is interacting with one decent person to make me feel good about people again.

This is the thing that I hate so much about religions. You can meet the nicest, kindest people at churches. But you can also meet the most judgmental, closed-minded people. And sometimes, those really nice and kind people are also the closed-minded ones, and that really confuses me. If you go to a place of worship to feel ultimately connected to a greater power and your fellow human beings, then how can there be any place in your heart, your soul or being to feel condescension towards anyone or anything? I don’t understand it. That people have the ability to turn their kindness on and off, to be capable of withholding kindness from anyone in dire need. It makes me feel socially retarded, but I really can’t understand how that works.

I would love to go to a church to meet good people, but I can’t stand the dogma, the potential for small-minded human judgment and oppression. I just want to meet spiritual people who believe in the power of kindness without trying to influence me to feel power over anyone else. I honestly think the people who are kind are our angels, because small reminders that they exist are enough to stave off anyone’s feelings of drowning in existential loneliness.

I think I’m feeling good because I’ve got my brother here whose gear is stuck on kind, and I got phone calls today from Rie (a good friend getting married), and the boys from Starbuck’s (calling from the store).

Thank you so much for your kind email today (Subject: Make your scallywag massive!); I can’t tell you how much it means to have a stranger take such interest in my vanity and be willing to help me make the improvements necessary for me to be an outstanding member of society. You have hit the nail on the head when you asked me if I dream about adding inches to my scallywag. In fact, just yesterday, I showed my mother my scallywag shortly after we exited our shower together, and she said, “Julia, you have a beautiful scallywag. But you know what would make it a GLORIOUS scallywag? More inches.” The universe must be synchronized, or God is looking out for me, because I opened up my inbox this morning and like a miracle, there was your email!

My only concern is that you say your product only adds 2-3 inches, and I’m afraid that 2-3 inches would still leave me with a below-average sized scallywag. Do you have a maximum strength version of your product? Or prosthetic accessories that can be purchased along with your product? I would not need anything drastic–Lord knows that I don’t want to go around with a bigger scallywag than those on the people I date. But just a big enough scallywag to give me a respectable bulge in my pants.

I would greatly appreciate more information on your product, as I think this is the very thing that could improve my quality of life! By the way, would you happen to know CuM_N_YoUr_PaNtS? He sent me an email yesterday (Subject: Horny Housewives Need Big Cock Now), but I accidentally deleted it instead of spam from that damn Christian Dating site that somehow got a hold of my email address. Sick motherfuckers. Anyway, I wanted to introduce him to steve b who sent me an email (Subject: Sluts Love Horse Cock). I thought those two might be able to join forces and help each other out.

So please get back to me ASAP. The more I think about it, the more I’m feeling inadequate about my scallywag.