Echo

Love is…

David Gray & Damien Rice.

I can’t copy the exact clip, but go to the UK performances, then David Gray & Damien Rice doing Babylon and Blower’s Daughter. Holy crap. When I saw they were playing together, my brain and my loins almost shortcircuited. Then they backed each other up for two of my favorite songs. I’m bleeding love here. Those are two of the most beautifully emotional and honest songs ever written.

Those are two beautiful, beautiful performances. I love David Gray’s look, too, ever since he started performing in suits. Fuckin’ classy. I love that man.

Overheard on the GS Warriors message board a few weeks ago (yeah, I’m delayed with my basketball insight):

-do you think there will ever be an Asian player considered the next Michael Jordan?

-No way. Michael Jordan was known for driving to the basket. Asians don’t know how to drive.

The Art of Spiritual Advising

I have a spiritual advisor I talk to about once every few years. Some might call her psychic, but she does about the same thing I do, but with more detachment. Basically, she can listen to me and gauge the place I am in my life, and where I’m headed by quick calculation of the most likely probabilities and what lessons I’m supposed to be working on. I know the way I do it, I open myself to be receptive to all that someone is communicating on various levels, then I can visualize likely futures. Like if a friend is saying that she’s in a great relationship but starts talking about her boyfriend, I can feel from her tone and the things she’s saying, if she’s actually worried that her boyfriend is unfaithful, even though all she’s talked about is his work schedule. So anyway, I talk to her once every blue moon because if you talk to an advisor too much, you’re basically talking about shit instead of living your life. It’s the same way I feel about therapy. It’s one thing if you’re trying to get advice on something, another if you’re talking instead of doing, fixing, improving, living.

She said she could tell that I was in a very good place in my life and to keep focusing on my career because good things will be happening very soon. We both felt that August would be a strong month. She advised me not too get too distracted by the things that tend to distract me, and to focus on being spiritually strong and not letting petty things bring me down, because at the end of the day, they’ll work out the way they’re supposed to, and to give people a chance.

I’m trying to do that. I know that 4 years ago, I let a bad relationship really get into my head. I let someone who was a weak but mean person hurt me, and the hardest thing was that my intentions were always pure and I was trying to be a bigger person and not play into games, and to help him out of his own personal hell. And I got burned. I guess I still remember that and sometimes it weighs in my head, that I can be kind to people, but then I worry that I’m giving it to people who don’t deserve it, or at the end of the day, they’re just laughing to themselves about what a fool I am.

When I was with my coworker that day and I opened up, I opened up because I didn’t care about what he thought of me. I just needed to be honest to someone. I don’t have any romantic interest in him whatsoever and still don’t, but in that moment, it felt really safe and platonically intimate that I told him everything–how hard karmic relationships are, how I recognize them when they happen, but it’s always sad, because when they end, it feels like dying all over again. And how lonely it is, to see these things and very few people understand it, but I know certain things to be true and so I follow it in hopes that it can help others relieve themselves of pain. Spiritually, I’m a specialist. I’m an expert at recognizing a person’s unique potential, and their specific spiritual obstacles, particularly those created by mother issues. In particular, my area of work is helping wounded healers, people who are cut off from their potentials as ultimate healers. When people come into my life karmically, it’s because they asked the universe for help and the universe puts me in play. I never look for them and they always show up when I’m strong, so in a way, it kind of drives me crazy because I feel like, fuck, I just got myself put back together again from the last one. I’ve been paying attention and it seems specifically, that my karmic connections come in intimate relationships and with people with mother issues. There is no safer person and careful person than me when it comes to this delicate arena, but just for once, I wish someone would stand up and fight through it so that they can taste freedom. Sometimes I wonder, if I can help a wounded healer set himself or herself free, if they in turn will be able to help me.

I think what I need most is someone I can truly trust, who can keep watch and protect me–my body, my mind, my soul–when I’m off exploring those dark recesses of the collective unconscious to bring back knowledge and enlightenment. I read that people with my placement that have this kind of karmic duty (Venus in the 12th house) tend to have an invisible guardian angel. Maybe mine is on a different plane, but I hope one day to find a partner who can take care of me, just as I take care of him. He doesn’t have to be strong now…I don’t judge and I don’t mind helping him. but I hope one day I can find someone who can watch over me while I sleep and dream.

Open letter to David Hassellhoff:

1. Don’t dance. Ever.
2. Stop the plastic surgery. This is getting crazy.
3. How does one man’s ego get so big that it can suck it’s own dick?
4. Tell your editor to stop playing with video effects from the 80’s.
5. Don’t you have a hamburger to eat?

(video find courtesy of effing the ineffable)

My thoughts on critics…

I used to write film and television reviews for the paper at U-M and it was such a cool thing, to think that your opinion was revered by so many people. You start getting drunk with the power of it, that you had the ability to influence people’s desires to see a movie by what you said about it. You quickly learn that the most fun reviews to write are bad reviews, because then you can go to town ripping some silly piece of shit to shreds.

After I made my own films and came out to LA and witnessed production, I realized how worthless critics are. After you’ve been through enough production nightmares of machine malfunctions, actors/actresses who partied too hard the night before and didn’t show up ready to work, of shots that you didn’t get to quite put together the story you want, you realize that sometimes having a coherent film is a miracle. And often the reasons films come out looking like they’re flawless at least in terms of production, is because they were able to reach deep after most of the film was in the can, and find more money to fix all the mistakes. If a critic can not show that he can do better with the same amount of resources, or if he has never made anything or done anything to show that he has done what he claims to be an expert of and has a true understanding of the process and the product, then what is a critic, outside of a catty bystander sitting on his self-appointed throne? What is he, but an average fan who someone gave the permission to yell the loudest? If you’ve never done it or can’t do it, you haven’t earned the right to disparage the work of someone who has done it.

That’s when I became ashamed for my time as a critic. I feel guilty for all the bad reviews I’ve written that were gleefully mean, and I hope that karma doesn’t come back to haunt me.

The hardest thing about putting your work out there are the critics. Some critics have valid points, but there are those people who are haters because they’ve never done anything but they feel they have a right to say someone else’s work sucks, or to make ignorant comments (for example, most of the Youtube population). Or there are people who are truly jealous because someone else did something that they could never do, while they wasted their own personal potential.

So this is my rule of thumb when it comes to critics (both of your creative work and of you as a person):

If you would not invite this person into your home, why would you invite him into your head and your heart?

If someone has criticism that helps you improve, let that in. Sometimes that’s a blessing. But anyone else doling out bullshit just to make you feel bad, they can only hurt you if you let them in to do so. Do you even value this person as a person, let alone his opinion?

It’s easier said than done, but just try to remember that anytime someone anonymous or known says something stupid about your work or about you as a person–if you wouldn’t invite them into your home, do not invite them into your head and your heart.

Everyone Who Had a Rough 3 Weeks, Raise Your Hand…

Don’t all y’all fuckers lie. The last 3 to 4 weeks have been tough. If you didn’t have weird email/computer/electronic/appliance/car issues, you either forgot or weren’t paying enough attention. If you didn’t experience delays and minor/major miscommunications, have many points of irritability with random people in your life, you’re lying. This last Mercury Retrograde was brutal, and the fact that it was in Gemini which rules communication and all things mental and mechanical, it made communicating especially hard. For example, my home computer barely turns on right now, and our work email has been on the fritz the entire retrograde so that we can’t send outgoing emails. That stuffs classic. Not to mention poor communication with important people in my life.

The good news is that today’s the last day of it, though today might have been difficult as the retrograde is always at it’s worst when Mercury is stationary at the beginnings and ends of the retrograde. There will still be some lasting effects until the 14th, but after that, you’ll see life pick up and your projects resume at a good pace.

In fact, the funniest thing just happened. Brian and I have been sitting at Starbuck’s, each working on our laptops. We’ve been here for about 2 hours, and Brian just said to me, “Have you noticed that everyone who’s walked by has been arguing?” YEAH. Everyone is having a heated discussion on their cellphone, or couples are walking in having arguments or very serious discussions. I just explained to him that today is the last day of the retrograde, and things tend to be even more tense than the rest of the retrograde. Today has been a tense day, which was why I was hiding out in my office, trying to talk to as few people as possible.

Hopefully your relationships with others didn’t suffer too much. There’s always a lot of introspection and retrospection during a retrograde. You run into old friends and acquaintances, or people contact you out of the blue. You think about your past, mistakes that you’ve made, things that parallel your present, and you have an opportunity to decide if there are certain things in your life that are holding you back, or negative cycles that you tend to repeat. You can think about projects that are looming, and take the time to carefully plan out your steps. Overall, it’s a time when life forces you to slow down and take stock.

Well, we made it. It’s officially over tomorrow so pat yourselves on the back for having not killed yourself or any of your malfunctioning gadgets or acquaintances. Tomorrow and on will be a much better time to sign contracts and purchase electronics or appliances, but if you can wait until after the 14th, that would be even better, as there are still some influences in the air. Just think of the retrograde as an occurrence in which a large invisible magnet jumbles everyone’s brains as well as anything with wiring. And now that magnet is lifted.

Fuck. I’m just so glad it’s over.

By the way, here was a conversation I had with my bank today that’s totally a mercury retrograde conversation.

Me: Yes, hi, I’m calling because I’m locked out of my account.
Customer Rep (CR): Yes I see that. Are you entering the wrong login information?
Me: No I’m not. I’m logging in the way I usually do but it’s asking me a security question that’s not the one I set up.
CR: What’s it asking you.
Me: It’s asking me, “Where did you get married?”
CR: Did you forget the answer?
Me: No, that’s not my security question. I’m single so there’s no way that would be my security question.
CR: Well, we don’t touch your security question. You’re the only one who could have set it up.
Me: I’ve never been married, so why would I make my security question where I got married?
CR: I don’t know.
Me: Well, that’s not the security question that I set up.
CR: Again, you’re the only who can set up the security question, unless someone has hacked into your account. Did you check to see if you have money missing?
Me: You know, I would…except I CAN’T GET INTO MY ACCOUNT TO CHECK.
CR: Oh, that’s right. Okay. Well, I don’t know why your security question would be wrong unless someone hacked in and changed it.
Me: Well, if someone’s hacking my account, I definitely want to know. Is there a way for you to check on your side?
CR: No ma’am.
Me: Then would you like to unlock my account so I can check if I have money missing?

So we go through a process to unlock my account on the phone. Then he says:

CR: Maybe you put in the wrong password. How many characters is your password?
Me: 8.
CR: Oh, that’s the wrong password.

I count.

Me: No, it should be 8.
CR: Wait, let me see………oh no, you’re right, it’s 8. Hmmm…that’s so weird. It must be a hacker.

I wanna shake the shit out of him at this point. So he unlocks my account, and I log in with the exact same information.

Me: Okay, I’m in. It didn’t ask me where I got married.
CR: Yeah, that’s really weird why it did that. Maybe it’s a glitch in the system or something, but I would keep an eye out to see if money starts turning up missing.
Me: Okay, thanks.

*sigh*

Thanks, man. You’re a peach.

I love it when people cover Billie Jean

remember this?

My Super Slutty Vacation, Continued…

I spent some of today researching the mythology of the Phoenix and found some cool things. Like the fact that its tears are supposed to heal, and it’s supposed to regenerate when wounded, thus making it invincible. Also, in Chinese mythology, the Phoenix (Fenghuang) symbolizes femininity (the Empress) and the balance between ying and yang, and people would hang up images of the Fenghuang outside of their house to signify that people with loyalty and trustworthiness lived there.

I spent the rest of today lounging by the pool. I have to report, it was too hot for me to stay out there for very long, so I’m not significantly more tan than when I started. I’m in LA next weekend and then Hawaii the next, so hopefully I can work on that. I’ve never been one who wanted to be too dark, but my legs are almost reflective right now, so I’ve gotta at least make them presentable.

I got all dressed up and went to dinner at this place called Olive & Ivy that came highly recommended by someone at http://www.chowhound.com. It was super pricey and just okay, though the coffee was good. This one waiter who wasn’t even my waiter talked with me for a while about having been a semi-pro basketball player in Asia (what is with me and basketball players? Oh yeah, I asked for Baron Davis and the universe is trying…), and he was trying to get off early so he could take me to a bar. I didn’t really want to go to a bar with him and be stuck talking to him the whole night, even though he was nice, so I slipped out while he was talking to the manager.

I went over to Borders and got totally engrossed in this book called, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. It’s about how everything you need to know about someone or a situation, your adaptive unconscious can figure out accurately within seconds. I’ve always believed this and have gotten really good about paying attention to these signals, so it was cool to read it from a scientific point of view. The first chapter is about this psychologist in Washington who has figured out an experiment where they can watch a video of a couple discussing something that’s a point of contention, and by coding reactions (ie contempt, defensiveness, anger, stonewalling, etc) almost like marital DNA, they can predict with 95% accuracy if a couple will divorce within 15 years by watching an hour’s worth of tape, and with 90% accuracy by watching for only 15 minutes. It’s all about paying attention to those red flags that we all tend to ignore. He talks about how people are in one of two states within a relationship…if they are in positive sentiment override, positive emotion will override irritability so when the spouse does something bad, they’ll excuse it in their minds or let themselves drop it. But if they’re in negative sentiment override, even if their spouse says something neutral, the partner will perceive it as negative. So in this state, people draw lasting conclusions about each other so that if their spouse does something positive, they think it’s a selfish person doing a positive thing. He says that it’s really hard to change those states and those states determine whether when one party tries to repair things, if the other party sees it as an attempted repair or hostile manipulation. He tracks a couples levels of positive and negative emotions, and by graphing them, he can basically tell if the negative will override the positive to the point where down the road, a failure in the partnership is overwhelmingly likely.

I wonder if people became conscious of these negative interactions, if they could change and save their relationship. I’m usually really conscious when I interact with people, like when they’re being defensive, or when I’m being defensive or irritable, and how it affects communication. But it takes two people to come to the table, and even if you can point these things out, if the other person won’t acknowledge it or won’t consciously work on it, the relationship (no matter what capacity it is–love, family, work, friendship, etc) is in trouble. I think any good relationship really requires consciousness and two people who trust each other to want to communicate clearly and really work hard at it when there are negative things in play. Reading that chapter, I realized that, outside of my other personality quirks and flaws, I’m a very good partner in a relationship because of how seriously I take good communication and how conscious I am about it. I’m always dedicated to making communication work and be open. I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and available for a very good, positive relationship with someone amazing.

Anyway, long story short, I got really engrossed in the book, so I bought it and now I’m holed up in my hotel room, blogging and reading. I’m not bummed though, because this is the stuff I like to do, and I just didn’t feel like going out to a bar, drinking and talking to strange men. Also, I don’t need to keep smoking out of boredom. This is enough of a vacation for me, to be able to relax, be alone with my thoughts, listen to music and have a change of environment.

Tomorrow I’m meeting up with a realtor to look at rental real estate in Scottsdale. I don’t know if I really wanna buy a place out here. I wonder if, with global warming, it’s going to hit like 130 degrees in a few years.

Arrival in Phoenix…er, Scottsdale

I’m currently in Scottsdale, which I hear is more fun than Phoenix because according to a random girl who overheard my conversation about this trip in SF, everything closes at 10 in Phoenix.

My hotel is amazing…very resorty with fire torches everywhere and a huge pool/lagoon surrounded by rooms. My room has a little deck so I plan to sit out there tomorrow. I can’t wait to get in a bikini and do something about the obscene paleness of my legs. Though, to be honest, I hate tan lines.

I made a decision a month ago that I’m going to get a tattoo, something that symbolizes my life purpose — To Seek Courageously. I don’t want a Chinese phrase because I want a symbol, an image that embodies this life purpose. Then I thought about getting the Phoenix tatooed on, because it symbolizes resurrection and transformation, which is another major theme of my life. I figure, when the time is right, the symbol will become clear to me. But I’m committed to getting a tattoo that symbolizes my life purpose, as I’ve discovered here in my Saturn Return.

So one thing I’m confronting in this Year of Fearless Living is my fear of flying. I still manage to get on planes, but I’m always so anxious. Now I feel like, if God wants to take me, he’ll take me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I prefer if he doesn’t take me too soon because I feel like I have a lot still to contribute to this world in terms of enlightenment, mentorship and healing, but again, your destiny is your destiny.

There was a scary moment on the plane where we went in to land, then took off again. I got scared that there was something wrong with the landing gear, but the pilot announced that there was a plane on the runway that couldn’t clear out of the way, so we would circle for a few more minutes.

Phoenix is hot. It feels like being in a warm cocoon. I arrived shortly after 8pm, so I assume the heat had actually mellowed out, so I’m a little scared of what it’s like in the daytime.

I checked into the hotel and showered, then headed out for dinner. I went to a place close to hotel (can’t remember the name of it) and let the bartender recommend what I should order. It was called the chicken, artichoke and mushroom stack (seriously, couldn’t they have found a better name?) and it was two halves of a grilled chicken breast with artichokes, mushrooms and this cream sauce in between. It was pretty damn good.

Afterwards, I went to this club that came highly recommended, Axis and Radius, but I got there around 10:30 and it was dead. The plus though, was that before 11, all drinks were $2, so I had a couple of Red Bull/vodkas. There were maybe about 20 people there when I got there which makes it really hard for me, because when I travel alone, I like to blend into the background or pretend I’m with a group. I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. The dance floor was empty the first hour I was there, though I realized that what it takes to get a dance floor going is a group of slightly bisexual seeming Asian girls acting drunker than they actually are. Asian party girls, as Brian likes to call them. Truthfully, sometimes I’m embarrassed of those kinds of girls, because they’re so in need of male attention, it makes it so obvious that Asian dads just don’t hug their daughters enough.

Axis and Radius is actually two dance clubs that are tied together, with one playing top 40 and the other playing hip hop. I bounced around both for a while, then settled on radius for its hip hop and its large video screen showing videos. I sat down next to this big black guy who was kind of cute, and I could tell he wanted to talk to me. But you know, I don’t initiate unless I’m sure I want it, so I let him do the talking. Turns out he’s a college basketball player from Chicago, which is kind of hot. We talk and he’s kind of cool…he’s got some depth. He says I’m sexy as fuck and I ask him, well how sexy is fuck, because I’m trying to gauge how sexy I am. We dance a little and he gives me his number and really, really wants me to call him. I think, I could hook up considering I’ve got a sweet hotel room all to myself, but then I think, how am I gonna politely kick him out when we’re done? So I just tell him I gotta go because I’ve got a meeting tomorrow morning, and leave.

I go to this other club, Myst, that someone had told me has good DJ’s. It was okay, lots of gay guys. Maybe not openly gay, but let me tell you, Scottsdale has a lot of gay guys, so the pickin’s are slim. I walked around, trying to find a person to bum a smoke off of because sometimes you ask the wrong person and they act like you owe them a flirt…or more. I got one, hung out and watched the gays dance, then grabbed a slice of pizza and came home.

So far, Scottsdale has not been as impressive to me as Seattle. Seattle has a cool vibe to it, and that $12 for 12 clubs deal in Pioneer Square is hard to beat. I had to pay a $10 cover to get into Myst, and I just thought, well, I expected more. Maybe more hot, straight guys.

Something I realized. If you want something, just go get it. Don’t be embarrassed. Sometimes I think I have to uphold a certain image. I’ve noticed that men are kind of afraid of me. That once they get close to me, it’s like they can’t integrate this image of me, and this image of a girl they wanna fuck. And so guys never want to have sex with me if I show them too much of who I really am. It’s the virgin/whore thing, where they see me as someone of value, and don’t want to defile that. It’s cool, it’s sweet, but seriously, I’ve gotta learn to just take it if the other person wants it but is letting fear drive. Someone has to make it happen.

Maybe that’s my lesson right now. Assert myself. Be able to say to someone, dude, all I wanna do is fuck your brains out. So stop this bullshit spinning in your head, and get with it. My favorite kind of sex is the kind where you don’t know where one person ends and the other one begins. Where you’re so lost in the moment, your brain can no longer function. Where every single part of you–body, heart, soul–is engaged. And it’s absolutely mindblowing.
It’s gotta be with the right person though. But sometimes, the right person is afraid to act on the impulse because their brain does too much spinning. Well, sometimes you just have to be bold and demand it. I’m learning that.

I hope some day to be able to integrate this…to be able to have that kind of sexual connection within a relationship that is healthy. I have no doubt that it’s possible, but I just have to be patient because I know that there’s a smaller pool of guys that are truly compatible with me (need to be as emotionally and spiritually mature and intelligent) to light me on fire and fulfill me long term, and maybe they’re still working on stuff before they’re ready. Whoever is right for me is probably going to be older, so maybe I have to wait a few years until this guy has more years and life experience under his belt. That’s okay. I’m not settling for less than I know I need so even if it’s hard, I’m going to be patient.

I’m a very simple person. When I want something, I want it right away. I don’t want to dance, I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to guess what you’re thinking. But I’m very selective about what I want. I think when you find something you want, as unconventional as the arrangement might be, you have to demand it if it’s what you want, and then if it happens great, if the other person doesn’t agree, then…NEXT. You have to leave yourself open for something good. Be patient until the right thing comes along, but jump on it when it does. Otherwise, you risk living a life of what if’s.

I refuse to live a life of what if’s, of settling for less than I need, of regret. If I want it, I will pursue it, courageously. That is the only way to live a life fulfilled. Don’t let fear drive your life. Fear is the one thing that
keeps us from being the people we were destined to be, from getting the things we want. Don’t fear failure, don’t fear success. Don’t fear rejection, don’t fear embarrassment. Fear is an invisible threat, one that won’t kill you. Allow yourself to live freely but not recklessly. Allow yourself to deserve the things that will open your heart and make you content. Don’t waste time. Tomorrow doesn’t exist and tomorrow you may forget. Start living your life NOW.

do not meddle in the affairs of dragons…

Michael Bay Sucks.

I love Transformers. Always have. Always will. I used to make Transformers out of Legos when I was a kid, these things that I could change from an object (ie a car or a plane) to a robot.

As I got older, I realized I harbored a secret robot fetish. But not just any type of robots, I discovered. I hate those stupid looking robots that look like they were thrown together with scrap metal. I could almost get into Robocop if there weren’t some pasty-faced white guy behind all that hot armor. Specifically, I get really turned on by Transformers.

Why?

I don’t know. I mean, look at them…those breastplates. Those angular, chiseled features. The weapons, the helmets. The stances of confidence. Their stealth to live amongst us. Their honor. Their loyalty to their own. Their commitment to good against evil. And even the Decepticons, there’s something about a bad boy robot that is irresistable.

I suspect it’s an Asian thing, because secretly, the culture prides itself on being disciplined, analytical and with machine like precision and diligence. But hot robot trumps Asian man at all times, hands down. Asian men just can’t get that chiseled and self-repair.

So anyway, my point…robots are powerful. Robots are hot. Robots are the epitome of men’s men…what cowboys symbolized back in the day. No messy emotions, no emotional weakness, just an iron sense of duty and honor and a complete lack of fear. And guns. Big, powerful, sexy guns.

Given all this, I’m pissed off that Michael Bay tried to get so cute with my beloved Transformers, turning them into these cute little children trapped in powerful robot bodies. I hated how he animated their eyes so they emoted like puppies. Their eyes looked like the eyes of the penguins from Happy Feet. They’re robots! They don’t need human-like eyes. Just make them lasers or hide them behind reflective shades. I hated that little bad robot and all the noises he made, like a Gremlin. I couldn’t take that thing seriously and it annoyed me. I hated that scene that went on forever, where the robots were on Shia’s lawn. That scene should have been 30 seconds long at most if it was even needed, and it felt like one of those moments where the director thought, hey this might be funny…let’s let the robots improvise. It was stupid. I hated the scene where Bumblebee pees on John Turturro. Bumblebee is classy. He would never do that. It hurt me, that this scene was in the movie because it was so crude. I hated when the kid freaks out because his car’s come back, and he comes out of his house with a pink girl’s bike. I mean, first of all, if you were afraid of your possessed car, wouldn’t you maybe…I don’t know… STAY IN YOUR HOUSE? And then the pink bike with streamers…you could totally tell that Michael Bay was like, oh yeah, that will be funny to have him riding around on the gayest bike ever. But where did it come from? He tries to say later, “I was on my mom’s bike.” Seriously. Unless your mom is 7 and retarded, that’s not her bike.

The movie sucks because Michael Bay sucks. He gets too self-congratulatory and he needs to learn how to cut, or how to take these little nuggets of ideas that he thinks are interesting, and save them in a shoebox under his bed to be used in other movies that may be more appropriate venues for certain gags instead of saying, “No! It’s funny! Just put it in. People love me so much they’ll sit through 3 hours of visual babble that doesn’t always make sense.” But if you went like everyone else, knowing that the movie wouldn’t be good but the robots would look awesome, then you couldn’t possibly be disappointed.

I’m in love with Bumblebee. Yellow’s not my favorite color, but I would be able to overlook that if he were my guardian Transformer and I got to touch him all the time.

The Power of Choice

One of my favorite stories as a kid, was the one about Sir Gawain and the hag.

King Arthur is challenged by a rival knight, Gromer Somer Joure , to discover the secret to the age-old question–what women desire most. King Arthur’s nephew, Sir Gawain (who was always my favorite, by the way, as he was the embodiment of Honor), sets out to save his uncle’s life by finding the answer to this riddle. He travels far and wide, and gets many theories and ideas from a lot of people. But it is Gromer’s sister, this hideous hag named Ragnelle, that promises him the correct solution if he marries her. Sir Gawain selflessly agrees in order to save his uncle, and Ragnelle tells him that what women want is, sovereynté, the freedom to choose. King Arthur wins Gromer’s challenge with this answer and his life is spared. However, Sir Gawain is obligated to marry the hag.

After the wedding, the newlyweds retire to their private chamber, and Sir Gawain is prepared to dutifully do the things that are expected of a man to his new wife. However, once in their private quarters, he discovers that the hag has transformed into the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. She explains to him that she was put under a spell a long time ago to look like a hag until a good knight married her. Now that the spell has been broken, she will be able to look like her true self half of the day. She offers Sir Gawain a choice–either look like a hag during the daytime, so in public, the world would see her as his hideous wife while becoming a beautiful woman that only Sir Gawain would see and know in private, or she could look beautiful during the day for all the public to see, but in private at night, she would retire with Sir Gawain as a disgusting hag. Sir Gawain weighs the decision, and after a long time, he declines the decision and asks Ragnelle to choose the situation which would please her most.

By offering her the choice to decide her own life, Gawain gave her the sovereignty, the free will, to have power and autonomy over herself, thus lifting the curse and allowing her beauty to return permanently.

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This story always stays with me. It influences how I deal with people (you should never force someone to make a decision. You can only advise others and decide how you will live your own life, and allow others the freedom to make their own decisions, no matter if it brings them more challenges or more expansion. The only choice you have is what you are willing to accept into your own life), and how I see my own life in how I project myself. Do I show my true self during the day, but in private, let others discover that what they love is an illusion, a projection of energy that comes from the universe to help them make their own discoveries, completely independent of one small, flawed human being who accepted a life path as a messenger? Or do I appear and do as others, and in the privacy of my inner quarters, project an entire universe that only a very small, select few can experience?

I had an interesting experience on Tuesday night. Someone unexpected got into me and ripped off my mask. It was not an unpleasant experience, because I didn’t let myself get defensive or feel fear. It was an experience based on mutual respect and trust. By relaxing myself to remain receptive, I was not afraid to stand pyschically naked and vulnerable in front of him, and was surprised that he was able to see me so clearly. We laughed about it, how people think I’m so complex, or I project myself in such a complex manner, but the real secret is that I’m actually a very, very simple person. How people think they’ve got a read on me, but it’s not entirely accurate…where I come from. How people sometimes perceive me of needing to be in control all the time, when in actuality, I’m not that way at all–my motivations come purely from not being controlled versus needing to be IN control. I don’t care what other people do, just don’t tell me what to do. And ultimately, at my core, I’m in love with everyone, no matter how I feel about them mentally or emotionally. The most interesting moment was when he said, I know the real Julia because I’ve seen her. You have this alter ego that you show the world, but this right here, right now, is who you really are. It’s like you’re magnetic and people can’t help being affected by you, and when you walk into a room, people can’t help but feel your energy and be inspired. Whatever you need to do to consistently be this person all the time, do it.

Honestly, this person has never struck me as deep and I’m not convinced he is. But for a small moment, it was like a door opened, and I got a message from the universe that had nothing to do with the man. So this is what it feels like to be on the other end, huh? I’m still trying to process all of the message I got that night, but I want the universe to know that I’m hearing it and I’m working really hard to be true to my path.

I wish it were so easy as solving a riddle, how to consistently be this person without fear that once I get close to someone, I will turn to dust.

Is it freedom that allows my energy to expand the way it does, this way where people can feel me and know that what courses through me is a higher level of peace and contentment, faith of a higher power in its purest form? Once someone is determined to catch me and put me as a fixture in their life, will it all disappear, shattering me to the point where I can’t remember where I came from and what it was that I once served?

I hope never to be caught, and one day, if I ever let myself, I hope that whoever that person is will help me structure my expansion to help me achieve my ultimate potential, rather than extinguish my fire.

For anyone to get close to me anymore, they must believe in magic. They must have faith in things they can not see, feel, smell, touch, etc. The reason I love David Gray’s White Ladder album is I feel it’s incredibly personal and truthful for him, that it’s all about the transformational power of love and faith. As he says, we have to let go of our hearts and let go of our heads, and feel what we know is true from the deepest part of ourselves. Because the only things worth living for are innocence and magic, and we can actually change our realities if we truly believe in that.

If someone can have that kind of faith and trust, if someone can earn my trust to the point where I truly feel that they have the courage and faith to welcome a life changing experience without feeling the need to possess me, if they give me the freedom to be myself, complete sovereignty to be a pure conduit, and can keep me safe while I’m in that place, then I promise them. I will show them the universe.

I just finished my Vegas pilot. I have officially earned my trip to Phoenix.

Brian told me that he’s got a half day today, so I got jealous that it’s beautiful outside and I have to work all day.

So I called in my boss’ assistant into my office and told her that we’re gonna get a half day. She said she tried already by telling him that the building management company is only working a half day today.

So I just walked into my boss’ office to “tell” his assistant that I heard from one of the girls in the office next door that the building is turning off the air conditioner at 1pm. My boss said that if it gets too hot, we’ll all just leave early.

So I just bumped our thermostat up to 80.

Am I evil?

This week I decided to start eating all of the random things we have in the house. I’m convinced that we’ve got a shitload of food in the house, but nothing that we can actually eat. Like tomato paste. We have lots and lots of tomato paste.

So one of the reasons I decided to do this was because my credit card bill was a little ridiculous last month. I mean, I usually pay off my credit card bill completely at the end of each month, but I saw this one and it basically swallows my salary. So I said, dude, you need to chill and eat at home so you don’t run out and do crazy shit like that this month, too.

The first thing I did was go shop at Whole Foods to completely defeat my purpose. I’ve been craving going to Whole Foods for a week now, ever since I bought these two plums that were mindblowingly good. I haven’t had a plum like that since I was a little kid. The key is to put them in the fridge so they get really cold. So anyway, I get some carrots (real ones, not those slimy precut and peeled ones that look like little carrot penises), zucchini, some organic diced tomatoes and a sweet onion. I realized when I left the store that I forgot to get fresh herbs or kale. I considered stopping by Bristol Farms which is on my way home, but then I couldn’t bear the thought of pulling out my credit card again.

I started by sauteing some chopped garlic (about 3 cloves) and sliced onion in olive oil, then adding cooking sherry. I let that mixture get almost blackened before I added the diced tomatoes, chopped zucchini and carrots, and some random herbs from my rack that are like 7 years old and make me sad and embarrassed that I didn’t have anything better.

I opened a can of tomato paste and put that in, then splashed in some water. I added kosher salt and fresh ground black pepper. I let that cook while I rinsed out a bag of quinoa and put it in chicken broth to cook. You know what the annoying thing is when I cook, outside of never writing down recipes or remembering how to make the same thing twice? I don’t really measure, so I end up pouring entire bags of rice or pasta or whatever when I cook. It’s just easier that way. That’s why I end up making too much stuff that I have to eat for a week straight–because I can’t seem to bring myself to measure.

I let the quinoa cook while the other thing (what? stew? I don’t know) was simmering. I added some organic frozen corn that Brian had in the freezer. I went to add the chicken as well, but I found it nowhere near in a defrosted enough condition to join the stew. I was still determined to use up some of our frozen mystery meats, so I microwaved a few burger patties and then broke them up inside the stew. I let that simmer until I got bored and the quinoa was cooked. Then I ate it and it was totally good.

Hooch called Brian to talk about our 4th of July plans, and I heard Brian say, “What’s your great idea?” I immediately yelled, “Nope, absolutely not.” Brian looked at me and asked if I had been able to hear what she said. I said, “No, but whatever it is, I’m not interested.” Brian said that Hooch wanted to bring over some lobsters and kill them in our house. Absolutely not.

I bought this Pure Pomegranate juice from Whole Foods last week and it’s nasty. I mean, I can eat and drink almost anything, but it’s pretty nasty. I’ve been drinking it faithfully every night because I’m enchanted by its purported antioxidant powers, but I just couldn’t compel myself to physically drink it today, even though I really did want to. I stood there for a while, caught in this quandary, before I suddenly realized that I could try cutting it with orange juice. I don’t know why I never thought of that. I think it never occurred to me because I’m such a random calorie Nazi, so I rarely let myself drink juice. But just to finish the report, it was good and I’m glad I did it.

This week has been amazing, continuing probably the most amazing month of my life. The only way I can describe it is how college graduation should have felt, if I had only let myself relax and truly enjoy that time in my life. This is what I’m thankful for, that I was still blessed with a chance to experience that feeling, rather than living a life overshadowed by regret over having missed that experience.

To follow the spur of the moment trend, today I was invited to Hawaii. I didn’t hesitate to say yes. I waved my boss into my office and had him sign a contract that sealed a partnership between us and another company. I brought in this partnership myself. He was very happy and shook my hand, and as I was shaking his hand, I looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve decided I’m not going to take a month off work. But I am going to take three days in two weeks to go to Hawaii.” He said, that’s great news. Take whatever you want. I let him know that I also thought 12 vacation/sick days total a year was very stingy, especially since I’ve been at the company for 4 years. He gave me 2 extra days.

Well, I would say at least for now, the universe is letting me have life by the balls. I know it won’t last, but I have to say, for now, it’s definitely been very interesting.

I am basically almost done with my Vegas pilot, and I will have no trouble finishing it. However, the final scripts are due tomorrow because the instructor submits his grades on Wed. I’ve decided that I’m not going to submit mine because my theory is he’s gonna give me an A anyway. My theory is that he doesn’t give a shit about our class, so he won’t even notice I didn’t submit mine. I’m okay with the consequences if I’m wrong (failing the class), but it will probably make me more sad to find out that I’m right. Then the good news will be, a person like this will have never read my script while it’s still vulnerable in terms of rights.

Well, to the three of you who still read this thing, friend or foe, thanks for listening. My life hasn’t been this fun and carefree since 2004. I hope to keep you entertained, and to teach you things that help expand your horizons and make you think about your place in the world and the wide reaches of your consciousness. After all, I am just a mirror of you, as your echoes are of me. I hope to teach you about believing in yourself, and to not have fear in challenging the boundaries of your reality. And most of all, to love fiercely. If you don’t truly know what that means to be wholeheartedly consumed by that state of action, then you still have work to do, because the experience of that life force in unadulterated form will be the turning point of your life.

“Those who abandoned their dreams, will try to discourage yours.”

There are a lot of these types of people in this world, and many of them don’t even realize that they do this, since their own loss and self-denial takes place at such a deep level. The more convicted you are in following your path, no matter how risky or outside of the norm, the more these people will be drawn to you, often crushing your spirits and ambitions as if their life depended on it. But in a way it does. Because if you succeed in following your path that’s off the beaten road, it means that their whole lives of playing it safe and denying their inner voices may have been a lie, and a wasted life is the hardest thing for a human being to face.

Be mindful of these people, but don’t engage them. Just know that when they come out of the woodwork, it is because you are following your path, and let their discouragements and projected fear give you more strength and perseverance in being true to yourself. At the end of the day, you have only yourself to answer to, so make sure whatever you have to show and say to yourself is something you can live with and derive pride from, not what others can live with and feel safe with.

What makes you unique is what makes you strong, and what makes you strong brings you closer to your own personal Truth and purpose. Don’t let the weakness of others prevent you from expressing your true greatness.

Year of Fearless Living Party Train – Weekend #5

This weekend was more mellow than last weekend’s DJ Shadow show at the Hollywood Bowl, but it marked the first time I went up to the bay area without telling my parents, who love to monopolize me if I’m in town.

I spent the weekend in San Francisco visiting Candice and Aubrey and celebrating Simar’s birthday. This was a completely spontaneous trip as I booked my ticket on Tuesday to leave Friday after Aubrey suggested that I come up. That’s been my thing lately…if it sounds like a fun experience, I’ll do it. Along with my reverence to synchronicity–if I hear about a movie, book or place more than twice, I’ll explore it because I figure it must be significant. Like having a conversation about Sexy Beast one day, and then two days later, some people sitting next to me started talking about Sexy Beast (rented it). Or Rie telling me that I have to see this movie called Kamikaze Girls last week, and Simar and his roommate talking about the film this morning. I figure, it’s all input, and right now, I’m a sponge to the universe.

I landed late Friday after being delayed for an hour on the runway, because SFO had issued a ground stop due to low cloud cover. We headed over to a wine bar (SF loves its wine bars) for tapas and strong drinks. I noted that men are better looking in San Francisco.

Saturday we headed to a place called Mama’s for breakfast, which is known for its hour-long line and amazing eggs benedict with toppings such as shrimp and crab & avocado. We stopped by a store specializing in whiskey and scotch, where the employees all greeted you wearing kilts and were quite knowledgeable. I learned that some men prefer their scotch very peaty and so smoky that it’s chewy. We got Simar a bottle of 12 year Highland Park that’s supposed to be really chewy.

We caught a matinee of 1408 with John Cusack that was scary but lacked a well fleshed out theme and story, though the scene where Cusack goes ballistic on a mini-fridge was worth the ticket alone. I would have loved to have been there when they filmed it.

We had a quick dinner at a place called Street which specialized in house infused vodkas (fig, cucumber, black cherry, etc), where I had a lemon basil martini that was amazing, before heading over to Simar’s house for his party.

Simar lives in a 4 level townhouse with 4 bedrooms. He and his roommate make music for video games, so they have their office/den in the basement, then their bedrooms and studio on the 2nd floor, front door and more rooms on the 3rd, and living room/kitchen and huge balcony with an amazing view of the city on the 4th. I think my place is nice, but Simar’s place is ridiculous. It was like everywhere you went was another room or another floor to explore. I didn’t really know anyone but a soma, some vaporizer action and 3 beers had me people watching contently. At one point Simar was holding a cardboard box with “Fragile” written all over it. We asked him what was in it and he said, “Have you seen Se7en?” We said, is it Gwyneth Paltrow’s head, and he said it was a dead chick. We said, no seriously, what’s in the box. He said, a dead chick. Then he proceeds to tell us that one of his friends works in a lab that experiments on baby chickens, and she had sent him a dead chick as a joke. He took out this furry yellow chick that didn’t even look real, and then tried to get everyone to pet it. Truthfully, it kind of made me feel sick and sad, so I went upstairs and had a cigarette with some people on the balcony.

I must have passed out at some point laying in Simar’s bed and listening to the Barbarella soundtrack, because Aubrey came and woke me up at 4:30am and we went home.

We didn’t get up until close to 1pm, so our plan to hit a jazz festival was scrapped. We did hit a place called Cafe Gratitude which serves raw organic cuisine. I had the pad thai which was basically a salad with strips of zucchini serving as the “noodles” and a chocolate mint shake made with almond milk that was pretty awesome. I think when I stop partying non-stop, I wanna get serious about a strict organic diet combined with regular yoga or pilates. I think I would like to do that soon.

On the plane ride back, I tried to visualize what kind of man I want in my life right now, so I can be more specific when I put it out to the universe. I want someone strong, courageous and balanced. No more cowards and weak men. Someone I’ll recognize right away when he smiles at me. Someone with depth who will understand the things and messages that I’ve been getting and communicating. I want to meet the person I felt out there in 2004, whoever it is that I’m talking to in that poem I wrote during the rainy season that year.

Then I thought about Baron Davis and I thought, yeah, that would be fine.

Next weekend, I’ll be in Phoenix. This trip came out of the blue. I thought it and I booked it, all probably within a 2 minute span. How fitting that I’ll be traveling to a city named after the mythical creature symbolizing resurrection and transformation. Also, I am looking for someone who embodies the element of fire, so I’m excited to see what Phoenix has to offer me.