Echo

i’m exhausted. updating my ipod right now. i’m going to try to get up at 6 tomorrow morning and push myself hard with cardio so i’ll be exhausted for the plane ride.

i’ve been doing a lot of thinking and i think this is a great time to get away and immerse myself in something else so when i get back to la, i can look at my life with fresh eyes.

i have big decisions to make when i come back. if i were courageous, i would move to sf. but i’m still not convinced my boundaries will be respected if i’m living that close to my family. but then, baron would get more time to spend staring at my breasts. ah, gay men love breasts. i also don’t want to give up my place in la. it’s my biggest energy source right now, so i won’t leave unless i can find one that’s equally as powerful in the bay area. but i think i would find more intelligent people who are willing to talk about ideas up in the bay area.

i think sometimes i sound like an elitist in terms of intelligence but i’m really not. lord knows, i’m usually not even the smartest person in any given room. but i think i’m just so sick of how people in la are actually intelligent, but something about this culture down here makes people not value intelligence and play down their own intelligence for the sake of fitting in. i’m busy trying to learn things and think about things so i can expand my mind, but it seems like this isn’t the most conducive environment.

one thing i do want to try though, before i leave, is to change my attitude. to just talk about the things i think about and if people want to give me blank stares or say i’m crazy, i won’t care. because i think what will happen is some of the people who are expansive thinkers but not speaking up, will speak up and engage. i just refuse to believe that people are this blank down here. they absolutely aren’t. i think it’s like what my lawyer said, there’s too much mental illness in la. so a lot of people stay quiet because they don’t want to sound like the crazies. well, there’s a thin line between madness and genius. you just have to know how to tread it as best you can. when you dive into that well to bring back something of value, always make sure you have an anchor, and only dive when you are strong.

so i’ll have no phone going into germany. fucking sprint. having no cellphone for me feels like not wearing a seatbelt when i get in a car. just totally naked.

i actually paid attention to packing today. i’m normally the world’s worst packer because i always do it last minute and i totally don’t care. i’m the kind of person who can show up to a place and realize i have no pants or socks or something. but i wanted to make sure i didn’t mess this up.

this is my first trip out of the country by myself. i always travel with family and i’ve done my little spontaneous trips in the US alone, but i’m going to a place where i don’t even know the language. i’m totally convinced this has a lot to do with me watching the amazing race for the first time a few months ago. there’s a part of me that’s always messing with the other part of myself that’s conservative and timid, so i’m guessing the plan is to drop me in the middle of germany armed with just a guidebook and my wits, and see if i can survive. it’s totally a survival adventure. i can feel that conservative/timid part of me has had a scream plastered on her face the last few days. she’s utterly terrified. of course, i ignore her. i got my mom’s war-general side.

the german guy wrote back and i told him i’m gonna be in germany. i debated whether i was going to tell him all week. it seems silly not to mention it, but then i worry about an unspoken expectation of sex. he seems pretty polite though and he’s busy with school so if i do end up seeing him, i’m not too worried. he’s close to munich which is the last leg of my trip, so at least by then i should be feeling more confident in traveling alone so i’ll be able to gauge the situation from a steadier foundation.

so i’m going to frankfurt, then bacharach, then amsterdam, then berlin, then bavaria/munich. i want to see if i can squeeze austria in, so i haven’t booked my hotel yet for munich. i’ll see how exhausted i am. i hope they have strong coffee out there, because i’m also a pussy with jetlag.

i have 6 dvds, 4 books, 2 comics and 2 notebooks. i think i treat boredom as something to avoid by all means. but i know this is just to pass the time on the plane. when i get there, i’ve got a lot of work to do.

weather is supposed to be in the 40’s. that doesn’t scare me.

the only thing that scares me in life anymore, is a teabag to the face by a black guy wearing only baby oil.

today was interesting.

got up today to visit my accountant. she told me i’m fucked. it’s just money, i thought and took it in stride, writing her a big happy check to a messenger i was expansive enough not to kill. violet by hole came blasting out as i turned on my car. fitting. drove away feeling like the shit.

so strong today. so strong today it blows my mind that i can’t share it with anyone.

i’ve been seriously thinking–how does a dead hooker become a dead hooker? does a person go in thinking, “I’m gonna kill that hooker.” or does it just happen because unbridled passion is a powerful thing. my scorpio explained the hooker usually ends up dead during the payment process. he’s adorably literal. i know people think i’m joking when i ask and that’s how i play it off, but i have genuine concerns. i have so much energy stored up right now, i’ve been steering clear of sex because i’m afraid i just might kill someone.

someone has been trying to plant the idea of sex in my head. this is funny to me because he doesn’t know that this tactic is redundant because sex is on my mind 100% of the time, even if it’s a program running in the background. this has been my more recent experiment that i started last summer. if you generate pressurized sexual energy at all times but give yourself no outlet except through mental thought and focus, you can create such intense magnetism that you can bypass a person’s defenses by controlling and imploding a sexually charged moment. basically, you can seduce whoever you want if you use that energy correctly.

sadly, this discovery was made by a very passive initiator. but it does work.

it’s been so easy to think about how things work in my head since working at a software company. the idea of a software running invisibly in the background, sdk integrations and crm systems has helped me understand how i can reprogram my thinking to mimic how software works. when our crm system went down, it was a mess because that’s where we stored all of our notes about client relationships, phone numbers, pricing, etc. the system would keep erasing information every time they updated the software. after a while, it was erasing information to the point we couldn’t keep it there anymore. so instead, i memorized everything i needed. i basically organized a portion of my brain as a customer management tool. i couldn’t remember numbers, but i was able to retain a large database of about 50 accounts with company names, contact names and positions, emails, pricing and notes about their project history. one day, i was talking to a customer and telling him that i was forgetting random things, like i was talking to my friend about her job, and then 5 minutes later, i asked her how grad school was. she told me, i’ve been out of school for two years, then looked at me weird because we’d just been talking to her about her post-grad job. i told my customer that when that happened, i realized i had to dump some of this information out of my head to outlook because it was taking up too much memory and i didn’t have a place to store the details of my personal life.

then that night, i realized the magnitude of what i’d managed to do. i’d literally arranged my mind to mimic a software, albeit a software boasting a modest memory.

that leads me to…what else can i do?

anyway, i digress.

drove out to cypress park to witness this porn burrito i’d read about in a jonathan gold review. it was indeed obscene. i bought it para llevar so i could take it home, lay it out on a counter and take pictures of it for brian. i took a picture with it next to a loaf of bread and the loaf was a little more than half the size of the burrito. i wasn’t satisfied that brian would truly appreciate the sheer enormity of the thing so i left it on the counter for when he got home. i would post the pictures here but they honestly make me blush.

fell into a two hour k-hole. dreamt about pasadena families with old money in the style of a telenovela. woke up realizing i did NOTHING to prepare for my trip and ran out to get traveler’s checks 10 minutes before the bank closed.

the guy who helped me was a nice guy named ricardo. i asked him if he’s ever been to germany. he said no, but there’s a girl who comes into this bank who used to be the point guard at ucla. she’s playing for a team in germany. he says i should go try to find her. i told him that would be cool if someone can tell me where to play basketball in germany. then i realized something and asked him, wait, is she japanese? he said, yeah. her name is natalie nakase. i tell him, this is crazy but i just read an article randomly about her last month. she’s an inspiration. he said, really?. he says, crap, she had emailed me but i think i deleted her email. secretly i wonder if there was something romantic between them and if he’d not been into long-distance…so i play her up. yeah, there’s this amazing article about how no one thought she’d play college ball and then she excelled there and was making her way towards the wnba. wow, he says. i didn’t know. she’s got an amazing story, i say. i’m starting to feel like i really know this girl and have been following her career for years, the way i feel proud of her.

here’s her article: http://www.audreymagazine.com/April2006/Features02.asp

i randomly found it looking up my tae kwon do grandmaster because my mom told me her story was amazing: http://www.audreymagazine.com/April2006/Features05.asp

so i send natalie a message because i figured i was supposed to do something. i just tell her what happened and asked her if she knew of any women-friendly basketball courts in germany. but then i read her blog and i have so many questions, like how she communicates with her teammates, and what it’s like to be playing out a dream. my dream was always to play professional sports. softball was supposed to be my ticket but it eventually took my left knee…yet who knew i was an even better basketball player. i wonder if i hadn’t been so angry at my father, if i had stuck with basketball, if things would have been different.

(today’s digressions are bad)

so after the bank, i go to the gym. adeleine from work had said she hoped to see me there when she went for training. i do the elliptical for an hour (hopped on and off for the people waiting so it wasn’t a satisfactory hour) and some bike, watched 3 episodes of curb your enthusiasm. ethan/etan (the basketball stalker) came by. i had worried over the weekend that i would end up punching him if he said the wrong thing when we saw each other again. basically, he’s been harassing me because he’s arrogant and can’t believe i’m not interested in him. yes, he’s a good-looking guy, top 30% of guys i actually talk to, but just so, so stupid. he keeps oversharing about his asian girlfriends and then no matter what i say to him, he just tells me i’m difficult and a piece of work. he did something kind of fucked up as a joke that was mean to this weird old guy who’s always staring at me, so when he caught me later, i’d told him that was really mean and not cool. then i told him, look. i’m a very nice person, and i like being a nice person. i don’t like this verbal sparring but i’ll do it because i’m basically mirroring you and i can’t help that. but if you want to talk to me, you need to talk to me like a normal human being, otherwise i’m not talking to you anymore. then he flew off the handle, was upset about this “normal human being business.” he said i was ridiculous then stormed away. i kept working out for another 10 minutes before i left, but i was seething inside. if he’d just put down this weird aggressively defensive approach, i’d be willing to get to know him. but it’s like having someone who keeps sl
apping you on the back of the head.

so today, of course, he walks up to me and says what’s up and i think, oh no. but he’s actually nice today, making an effort. so maybe he did hear me. just a little bit. but he still talks to me like i’m this creature from another planet and he’s an angry little boy who’s equally as terrified as intrigued. but i gave him a couple of points because he was making an effort.

his business partner hops on a machine and when he finds out i’m in marketing, he tells me their company needs help with marketing. i tell him, i’m trying to build up my marketing company right now so i’d be happy to do freelance consulting and can bill depending on the size and scope of the project. it sounds like they need help with their website, defining their market and working with press and product placement, all things i can do. i ask him to email me with their web address but he’s gotta go play basketball so he tells ethan(etan) to do it. he emails me from his blackberry. he jokes, where should i put my phone number? i say dryly, of course, cuz you’ve been trying to give it to me for months. he’s offended so i say bye and leave.

i check my email when i get home but i figure i’ll look at their website later. as i’m in my inbox another email from him comes in. he’s written: when r we going out? i write back: when i’m convinced you can talk to me like a human being on a consistent basis. the 10 minutes today was a good start… he writes: unreal! i quote you lines and stories i attempt to make u laugh. wow.

whatever.

it’s as much fun as banging your head against a wall.

back to the gym. i just miss adeleine after her training. i was in the weight area, which i never venture into. i’m convinced that the dark dc marked his territory and the weight area is his the way the back cardio row and the courts are mine. we’ve managed to coexist without interacting for 4 months now. i know when i’m in his area or see him, it can make me wary and twisted in a way that i lose my appetite. i went in there on sunday to do work on my shoulder but his energy zapped me for two days. that’s fucked up. so i went in there again today to try to weaken the energy. dark dark energy but i’m intent not to let it have any power over me.

wanted to buy underwear at victoria’s secret but the mall was closing in 30 minutes and i hate rush shopping. sometimes it blows my mind the things i do to secretly amuse myself. i always wear my sexiest underwear under my shorts when i play basketball, because i think it’s funny that i’m banging with the boys in the most un-feminine way…yet no one knows i’m secretly wearing very feminine lingerie. i’ve also let someone call me cindy now for a couple of years.

went home and discussed the porn burrito with brian. saw i had a message from rie and as i went to call her, tracy called. talked to him. i do admire him in some ways and do feel he can be impishly evil sometimes. i think he wants to know if he’s managed to push a button. am putting something in the mail for him and hope it results in inspiration. called rie and we talked about tango, men, heartbreak and the rules of married conduct (i love calling her a desperate housewife). she insists i visit amsterdam. i told her, it looks like it would be logical for me to go there first, but if i tell people i’m going to germany and i end up spending the whole time in amsterdam, people will think i’m a drug addict. she promised me amsterdam is beautiful. i would like to see the anne frank museum so i’m willing to consider it. i only know one person in amsterdam…it was this guy i met in cancun over christmas who told me the next time he saw me, he would prove to me what a great lover he is. i think he meant it as a promise but i kind of took it as a threat because he wasn’t that attractive. i hope the place is big enough to not run into him…

which brings me to now. what the fuck am i doing up at 4am?

I was reading about my Pluto in the 3rd House:

Pluto was found in the third house at the time of your birth. This planet appears to rule over everything that occurs at extremes. Therefore we should expect a similar inclination of your mind in terms of extreme good or extreme evil. Among your mental faculties there will exist an inspiration of unknown origin which will aid you in times of severe crisis, whether of a financial or psychological nature. The basic trait granted by Pluto here is perpetual and active planning with a tenor of Machiavellian speculation. Your mind oscillates between contrary concepts and it seeks to find truth by dialectic analysis of opposites. In addition to the mental characteristics described above, also possess power of penetration, ingenuity, and assertive aggression – you can well force your views on others. You will be attracted to intellectual pursuits completely apart from science such as politics and/or scenic art.

I wanted to look up Machiavellian to understand the nuances of how it was being used here. Learned about High Machs. Oddly, randomly thought about a guy I’d known almost 10 years ago earlier today, and remembered how creepy and charmingly manipulative he was. His last name was Macht.

That article led me to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_dominance_orientation

Which then made me realize, all this talk about High Machs and social dominance orientation, sounded eerily like all the teachings of a Scorpio that I was experiencing last year. I would be interested to see how many of these people who tested as High Machs and with high-SDO were Scorpios or had Pluto prominent in their charts.

got my kcrw package today. now listening to morcheeba – deep dive.

(i could swear i already have this album). figured if i don’t know, i must not have been impressed and maybe in this setting, i’ll like it.

it’s nice in the background tonight.

the problem with march is it can make your mind blur as you start climbing into the world of daydream. but it’s quite a beautiful thing if you don’t overthink it.

lots and lots of power yesterday. sunday as well. wow. good clean energy. wanted to hug everyone to see them smile.

low level anxiety starting up. very, very low frequency but a whine nevertheless. mars energy about to cut in on the dance.

went to gym. made a one handed 3 pointer while playing 21 with a black dude (he was cute but you know where i am now). he was impressed. i made it rain all day and it was effortless, the cleanest snap of the net like the ball was a mirage passing through almost every time. it was the same thing in the 3-on-3 games. effortless. and i pretended i didn’t notice because i knew if i did, it would stop. but i was watching myself and thinking, this isn’t me. it was the same feeling this sunday, the same feeling that one night a couple of weeks ago when the guys followed me out, telling me my shooting was like nothing they’d ever seen. i’m not at all saying this to brag because lord knows, i’m not that good generally. but, the crazy thing is, i AM that good when i’m alone. it’s been one of the more frustrating things in my life, how i can do certain things really well when i’m alone, and then get anxious about people’s attention so it’s not even worth telling people i’m good at something because i’ll never be able to prove it. but lately, i’m staying detached enough to be able to do things despite there being people watching or listening. i still lose focus though, but it’s getting better.

spent some time getting to know mike. his focus comes from a deeper place but if you distract him mentally and he has to “go upstairs” to respond, he’ll lose focus. i’m willing to talk to him but can’t figure out where his ears are, figuratively. so i kind of give him a pat on the back kind of energy, and hope sometime in the future we’ll find a common language with which we can communicate. i wonder why he feels bad about himself. when i touch it, it makes me feel sad, too. and a little dark.

i’m hearing a lot more colors and textures than i used to when i’m engaged with a person. it’s like i reached a higher level of my challenge and it opened up a handful of extra colors that i’ve never experienced before, so i’ve been out there have a blast painting with them. it’s creating new discoveries everywhere.

finished booking my ticket today. it was more complicated than i realized it would be but it’s done. i said i would be in germany this week, and i will be. (TERRRRRRRIFIED. good thing i tend to dismiss my emotions quickly).

you are a liar.

i know.

the kids called from work today. i was on my way home from the gym and picked up the call to hear avi and adeleine. they said no one was in the office (the narc’s in israel) so they’re just chilling. it was good to hear from them. like hearing from your friends at camp while you’re home spending the summer with a tutor. which is strange because technically i’m the one having fun, even though i’m in a period where i’m doing a lot of hard work in other ways. adeleine told me that avi was coming in on time and wearing button down shirts every day, and i was really happy. i don’t tend to get my hopes up but when i find out that one of my messages actually manages to go from something abstract to something real, it’s amazing. i had high hopes for avi and one of the last things i kept saying before i left, was for him to give people no reason whatsoever to belittle his capabilities and his contribution. and that i couldn’t wait for the day in the future, when i pick up my phone and it’s him calling to tell me he’s in sf for the day on business, and he’s this successful guy now who’s gotten to the place he’s always wanted for himself. they said they missed me but my energy is still in the office. i told them to take care of each other, especially the boys with adeleine. i promised adeleine i would see her at the gym tomorrow.

you know i’m creating another person in here, right? that’s the secret. just know this.

11 11 > 22.

22 is reality.

>22 is everything beyond our wildest dreams.

Virgos are assholes. What? Yeah, you heard me. Virgos are assholes. And Pisces, too. Don’t fucking tell me I don’t even know you. You like chasing things you can’t have and saving people who are oh so tragic and oh so helpless without you. Why’re you sitting there writing poetry when there’s a war going on, man? You’re romantic cuz you’re a pussy. Cancers…get over your mom. Everybody, together now, “Get over your mom.” You don’t owe that hootch anything.

Leos, I wish your dicks were as big as your egos.

Scorpios, it’s like Sleeping with the Enemy.

Sags–what do you rhyme with?

Caps– zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Libras, you passive muthafuckers, Taurus, I’m talking to you too. Aries, you know how to bang your head against things until you get results. Aquarius, so do you. Sometimes. No wait, not really.

But Geminis, my fellow Geminis…wtf?

i wanted to make a t-shirt that says lesbians love me.

it’s funny cuz it’s true.

but then i was afraid people would get the wrong idea.

how does a society charge up swear words? why is “fuck” a swear word and not “condom.” wait, i think it is sometimes. but why some words over others?

my mom told me that “fore” in cantonese is (phonetically) “fugyiu.” so it sounds like they’re saying fuck you all day at the golf course. and “that” in chinese sounds like “nigga” in english. my friends counted once and i said “nigga” 19 times in a 7 minute phone conversation with my mom while riding bart. first of all, yes, i was that asshole talking in chinese on a cellphone on bart. and yes, i was scared of all the black people in the car for the rest of the ride. but that’s not the point. why do i sound like a sista when i talk to my mom, and how did they charge up that word when heard by english speakers?

it’s gotta be energy. the more energy, emotions, events, memories, etc. are stored in a symbol, be it an object or a word, the more it has weight beyond intellectual communication.

the well

i thought about the married men i’d known over the years who were always toeing the line, their wedding bands mysteriously absent, sometimes leaning in too closely to whisper in my ear at late night industry parties featuring primal rhythms and open bars, subtly enhaling my scent so dangerously close to where a woman’s jaw, neck and ear meet to form the perfect storm.

some were more accustomed to the dark than others…you could tell by the shine of their eyes they were used to getting their way. and as with honey, no matter what corner, they could always find me.

that dark, mysterious, complicatedly uncomplicated place where a man goes to stand at the edge of a moonlit well as his wife and children sleep soundly at home, that place where the point of no return is a lot closer than he arrogantly believes… that place. that edge of oblivion. that place is where i live. and i sit quietly, waiting.

i see them on moonlit nights, looking for a game to test their might but not really believing what they wager can truly be lost. they come as shadows, in pompous suits and damp, naked fingers, asking for directions when they know exactly where they are.

i look them in the eye
and a grin begins to crawl
creeping through the room like a dangerous seduction

as she leans in

her cool fingers draped dangerously on his arm

(the last stop) whispering,

are you sure this is where you want to be?

as something inside flickers its tongue over the razor’s edge glinting shadows within a darkness.

Question for the Day:

Do you ever end the day and have this gut feeling that you lied about something, but you can’t figure out what it was?

I think creativity is like fishing things out of the ocean. Some people have submarines and can decide what they bring up and bring it up in its entirity. Me, I’m out in a little rowboat with my fishing net, picking up random things like what I wrote below.

My New Band: Warren & the Proverbial Pussy

It’s a conceptual band. We lead audiences into a large empty room with stark walls, filled with Ikea furniture. On the amoeba-shaped coffee table, sits this:

Once the room is filled with audience members, we assign half the people as prison guards and half the people as prisoners, giving the guards batons and tasers. Then we quickly run out of the room and bolt the doors before anyone can react. Once we are sure the people pounding on the doors understand there is no mistake, through the loudspeaker, we play a sound loop of indigestion as heard through a stethoscope at a quarter of the normal rpm. 10 minutes later, we would start releasing a perfume specially formulated by reknowned Italian perfumer, Sebastiano Biscotti Piscopo, creater of lust! and PERV. The perfume combines various floral, citrus and mammal essences to mimic an olfactory experience akin to the cool dampness between a Catholic schoolgirl’s thighs shortly after a hot, post gym-class shower, and that ghostly aura of an orchid pistil the moment one suddenly realizes what the flower in a Georgia O’Keefe painting represents. Our German band consultant/head chemical scientist Johanne Von Motke assured us, that the smell in conjunction with the sound experience will split the listener into a heaven/hell experience with both pleasure and pain overcoming their senses simultaneously for a cathartic experience. Then, as social constructs break down and the prison guards abuse the prisoners and prisoners scream for God and their mothers to open the door, a rebellion eventually will form as characteristic of humans under extreme duress within oppression. That rebellion, fighting both the psychological sadism of man, the siren smell of sweet perfume and the maddening sounds of a man’s flaming esophagus, will discover somehow, through the manipulation of their environment, that if the toy on the amoeba-shaped coffee table were played until “the cow says moo,” they will suddenly experience a moment of divine clarity, realizing that I am Warren and they, the audience, are the Proverbial Pussy, and yes, I have just had sex with all of them. Then a door will magically open towards a corridor with the EXIT signs clearly marked.

So far, we’ve only been booked at small venues in Amsterdam, Berlin and Orlando.

energy. i’m learning about it. but i still don’t understand it. maybe i’m just unhappy sometimes because i want to use it in the way i want to use it, and the universe knows the best way for me is to use it in another way. i’ve never been good with authority, but i’m not hopeless. i recognize the need for a mentor, and i recognize how important it is to be careful of who you trust with your most powerful side.

what is it?

when i thought life coaching might be a good compromise since i hate the hypocrisy and pathologizing within the psychotherapy industry, they told us we needed to write a short description of what we are, so we could attract the right clients. maybe that idea would work here.

so what is it.

1. when i meet someone who is not open, i can feel out their energy, find a positive energy they can relate to that they own and reflect it back to them. when they see this positive energy that’s familiar yet seemingly coming from someone else, they recognize it, embody it and it lifts them, even though i’d actually pulled it from inside them. basically, it’s like taking a positive portion of someone, and having them incorporate it from the outside in until that portion becomes the majority of themselves. sometimes i can mimic people’s energy and experience a different flavor to life. i’m also very good at mirroring when i need it.

2. people will tell you everything they want you to know about them. most people wear their traumas on their sleeves and you’ll recognize them if you know where to look. i can grab onto a trauma and pull it out, mentally holding it like a flopping fish while getting people to understand it, understand their relationship to it, and circle it emotionally, mentally, psychologically until it loses its strength and they can reincorporate it back within themselves as something benign. not everyone finds this very comfortable and most freak out. but the ones who are brave enough to let things go usually report back that it changed their lives.

3. late night channeling. sometimes i start talking and then it doesn’t come from me anymore. and i’m dropping knowledge on people and it affects them. meanwhile, i learn things myself as i listen to myself talk so every time i take the risk to do this, i benefit in terms of knowledge as well. last year i asked the universe for a mentor, and this phenomenon showed up. it’s like i can only learn as long as i can find a study buddy. which now that i think about it, i never did as a student so now’s as good time as any to reach out.

the hard thing for me right now is that i don’t know when these things will happen so sometimes i feel like i have no control, like i’m not actually working towards something or refining an ability. but then i recognize, as these things occur and i learn, i’m also slowly building understanding of something bigger.

i’ve just been telling myself to be patient, and to have trust. i don’t have to trust other humans if they’re not worthy of trust or if they’re not in a place where they can understand me, but i have to trust the universe. and i have to trust myself to stay sharp and recognize when it’s asking something of me. sometimes it gets so fucking lonely in here i start losing faith that there’s a me outside of the work I do and the reflections I take on, but then the universe sends me a person who even if for a small window of time/space, can see and hear the real me. the rule is, I never get to hang on to it, but for that simple token of faith, that experience of understanding, the symbolism of the gift that renews my belief that I do exist and I’ve got to keep going because there are others out there also working positively, I am very grateful for it.

but sometimes i lay awake and ask myself, why did you choose such a lonely life path.

you can have all this happiness and good feeling to give to people, but worry about the appropriateness of the gift.

i could never live in the suburbs.

people define their lives in different ways. as fathers. as sons. as daughters. as mothers. as affable clowns, as centers of knowledge, as the sparkplugs that bring people together. as dedicated workers, as brooding others. they all choose one dominant reality to exert their energy in no matter how many identities they carry.

i’m learning that sometimes people won’t see you at the same frequency you see them because they can’t. acknowledging one reality will often challenge the existence of another, and sometimes, people have built too much upon a foundation and they can’t risk upsetting that reality.

sometimes, i don’t know what to do with myself.

i promised people magic. and i’ve shown it to them, but only alone, only in the deepest of night. often, i disappear right after as i can not afford these realities to be challenged by the light of day. should i find it in me to do what i can do in the light of day? then i will really know what i’m capable of. but then, there will be no hiding from other people. obama has magic. i have a feeling if he’s in office, more people who have unique capabilities to create change will come out of the woodwork. i can definitely feel the energy stirring under the surface.

*****
yesterday. lacking direction. family wanted to come down and visit but at the last minute, i told them not to. i’m too vulnerable right now to let them get their hooks into me. i want to maintain boundaries, but if the right choice is to move closer to them, then that is the choice. but not now. right now i’m free.

got sad yesterday when i think, i would be getting off work about now. drive aimlessly but end up on the 10 towards the beach. good idea. i park my car and bring my bag to find a cafe to read, but i change my mind. i put everything away and went into exploration mode (iPod, car key, id/credit card wrapped in a $20 bill). set the playlist to a life less ordinary soundtrack (been in my iPod for years…never listened to it), and head out.

exploration mode = wipe my mind blank until i am receptor for observations and explore an area like a tourist. usually i find something of existential value (person, place, object, symbol) to be used later.

venice beach is my favorite for this. with the setting sun behind me, i encounter a group of boys playing football. the quarterback looked my age but the kids ranged various ages from 7 to about 15. i stopped and watched for a bit. i bet the quarterback is a natural big brother type. i marked him with a leo sign.

passed a senior home with one lone old man sitting in a chair watching the sunset from a window in the empty lounge. it was bittersweet tragic and for a split second, i felt like i’d been punched in the face and teleported to miami. looked at the sunset to reorient myself, kept walking. it wouldn’t be bad to end your life in a place where you can see the sun set over the ocean.

i have this ability. people can’t see me when i don’t want them to see me. like even if they notice me, they won’t care enough to remember me, an event lost by indifferent hands of memory. the way you do it is you output this absolute belief that you don’t believe these people around you are real. that they’re as much a part of your subjective experience as trees in a forest. they are background talent in your movie. it’s like by removing them from your reality, you turn yourself into background in theirs. it’s how i sneak up on people as a practical joke. but what will happen is you start to randomly notice other people who can see you. and these are the people who have something interesting to say to you and help you along like those helpful villagers in morrowind (okay, i’m not a moron but i just couldn’t get into that game). so if you really focus yourself, you can have a level of control over who sees you and who doesn’t and therefore, who approaches you and who doesn’t.

those who do notice, we’ll see each other and smile, maybe wink. sometimes it’s a double take and then a polite nod, but today, they let me go on my way. i didn’t really feel like talking.

i read something that made me want to focus on symbols today rather than people. so i walked and scrutinized graffiti and structures until i found this sculpture that looked oddly like a symbol i had just seen in a book. it felt like this was the one. it pointed towards the sunset so i decided i would sit right under it and watch the sunset. as i stood under it, i followed the line drawn from the sunset, through the sculpture and turned to see it ended at a tattoo store. i’ll get a tattoo when i find my personal symbol. but then i realized, right next to the store right behind the sculpture…was the place where that german guy and i had sat and watched the sky lighten as we discussed our thoughts and paths with open candor until 8 in the morning. that same night that i had realized that we were meeting just as he was experiencing an ending and i was experiencing a new beginning, on a day that doesn’t exist (2/29). in fact, it had been so mystical, like sitting in a portal in which despite language barriers, we were able to convey every idea, color and texture in our heads, that he even wrote me an email afterwards commenting on the strangeness and magic of the night. i couldn’t believe i hadn’t realized this was the same sculpture from that night.

watched the sun set. walked back down the strand in the dark like a ghost.

it was a good day.

a stranger said, you’re a person someone meets and the next morning, he’s not sure if he’s met a person or a ghost.

another said, you’re the kind of woman when a man looks back and realizes he’s made some wrong choices in life, he’ll always remember and wonder about you.

and yesterday, you said nothing. yet i heard your echoes loudly.

what are words but ephemeral meaningness, when meaning can only be momentarily grasped like running water over fingertips?

what are you to me, but a fleeting moment? a hand thrusting out in a world passing so quickly, sometimes goodbye precedes hello.

but in some quiet moments, when a person stops trying to keep up with the world and stands still for a powerful moment, he’ll find someone who is also there. this person can see him, feel his rhythm, find his pulse outside the blur. and more than anything, this person believes he exists.

within him comes the sun–noble, proud, a provider by sheer expansion of will. and within her is the moon. that deep, still pool of protective energy promising safe harbor and replenishment. the good father and the mother. what each of us uniquely lacked. and from these symbols created within you, you find the power to heal.

until you find the meaning you seek, you shake every hand.

brian and i had a bonding day that we haven’t had anything like since we first moved in together.

i had woken up in the middle of the night, still caught amidst a dream. i sat up in bed and i could see my alarm clock read 2:16. but i could see a second alarm clock sitting next to it reading 3:00. i kept staring at the two clocks knowing one of them wasn’t real. I laid down again but was woken up a few minutes later. the clock on the left said 2:16 and the clock on the right said 3:00. i kept staring at it but i couldn’t make the clocks change time, yet i was awake. i could feel the sheets, i could feel the air, i could feel clothes, my legs, everything. it was a blip in reality. i went back to sleep. woke up, the sun was out. it felt like 10-11. i looked at the clock. it said 2:16. 2:16 again? weird. i stared at it for a long time. confused. i got up and brian was home. the power went out at work so no one can work. we have a snow day, he said. i think the power went out here, i said. 2 hours and 16 minutes ago. what time is it? he looked at his cellphone. 9:20. which would put the outage at 7:04. that time has no significance to me, except it equals 11 which is my birthday minus the year added up. but 2:16 = 9. my soul number.

what are you doing, i asked him. we phonetree-d everyone and we’re meeting at casa del mar at 10:45. we should go hiking, i said. he thought about it. well we could go after my meeting. i need to pick up my car, i said. but i can ride down to your meeting with you, hang out and you can drop me off to get my car.

we hit santa monica and he went into the hotel while i walked until i found a little cafe. hung out on the patio, had a proscuitto and egg panini with a honey cappuccino. watched desperate housewives on my portable dvd player. every waiter came by to ask if it was a laptop. then read from reservation road. i need to write.

the place started filling up for lunch and i didn’t want to take up one of the tables so i headed back to casa del mar. it has an amazing lounge so i loafed on a plush couch and caught up with rie. she’s lonely right now, just like me. but we each have found ourselves in different echoes of loneliness. different worlds. we offer each other support and sincere wishes.

brian’s meeting end and we drop by the adidas store. i don’t really want to buy anything because i have to be careful with money, but since brian gets a major discount, i decided to get a pair of socks because they looked high tech. i’m secretly very excited about them.

we changed and headed out to runyon. fought traffic for 45 minutes, arriving only to realize we both have to pee. we tough it out. my body may look athletic, but i promise you, it’s not functional. i was ready to turn around halfway up the street leading into the trail. it was nice. talking with brian, joking around. in some ways, we both really get each other even though sometimes we compete. we notice hot guys at the same time and can psychically comment about them as we walk by. and we get each others jokes. saw michael rappaport. neither of us acknowledged it until we were sure he was at least half a mile away. fat michael rappaport, brian says. totally. with a big bald spot, i say. i think that guy he was with was his trainer, brian says. i would be pissed off at mike if i were his trainer. if you tell people you train michael rappaport and he shows up looking like that, you’re obviously a bad trainer, i say. we snicker. walk on.

i tell brian that one time i had to pee really badly but there wasn’t a bathroom around, so i’d joked to my mom that i was going to pee on her head. i’d never seen her so offended and mad. i mean, i joke that she’s my lesbian mom all the time and she takes that in stride, but she went nuts over this. so i’ve learned never to tell my mom that i’m gonna pee on her head.

we pass many other actors who we almost recognize. we saw a hot shirtless guy jog up just as a hot sports-bra’d woman with a slick 4 pack jogged down. simultaneously suffered sensory overload.

the sky was beautiful. the view was beautiful with just a sliver of fog creeping through the edges. i told brian about the guy at the houston’s counter i was eating at on monday who had kept smiling at me, even though he was there with a woman. when his table was ready, he got up and waited for me to make eye contact so he could wave and say bye. i knew he really wanted to because i was purposely not making eye contact. at first i thought the woman was his girlfriend but he seemed to want to make it very clear that it wasn’t like that. i wasn’t sure if that was an opening. i also mentioned to the bartender that i was going to see a movie and he said he wished he could go with me. he said tonight he had to work late, but normally he gets out early enough to see a movie. he left to pour drinks then came back and said again that he wished he could go with me. then he said, “maybe next time.” i just smiled, felt suddenly shy, and occupied myself with some task until he walked away. i’m not a deal closer, and brian knows it. but why am i expected to be? it’s the guys that are passive around me. like that guy who sat in my car talking from 2 until 8am.

i need to secretly admit that the whole job thing still hurts.

“i don’t have a problem with women. the problem is you like to compete with men.”

i will never forget this line. every time i’m faced with an obstacle, i’ll hear these words and i’ll break through that obstacle, if only by sheer force of will. because i’ll never let an idiot who doesn’t understand what i am try to tell me who i am.

i don’t compete with men, iuval.

i lead them.

lots of power. no outlet. i’m saving up.

sometimes it’s okay and sometimes it’s not okay.

i don’t like how i’m not finishing things lately. like i haven’t even finished the wang con recap.

i know i’m the type who likes to look before i leap with big decisions, so i want to make sure that i’m taking this time for contemplation and rejuvenation, not hiding under the covers freaking out.

sometimes i feel like sex is the answer but i can’t tell if that’s procrastination.

first thing this morning. i ignored someone. no eye contact. just pretended he didn’t exist. because i don’t like him. it’s really that simple. then i gave up my car. stranded myself in santa monica. wish i had known i was going to do that. i would have worn more comfortable shoes. walked towards 3rd street stopping to read every home for sale flier and restaurant menu on the way. home and food. cancerian traits. hmmm. this smells like i’m in love. damn. but with who? surely not someone i know. a shadow…who’s close.

like magnets.

went to borders. i knew the coffee girl didn’t know how to make my drink, and even though i suspected it would be bad, i took a sip and smiled at her, giving her a polite thank you wave. when i rounded the corner spit out the whole bean that had been floating at the top. was distracted by every borders employee who wanted to be helpful. the guy who pulled a coffee table closer to me so I could put my coffee on it was particularly sweet though. am listening to every conversation and aware of everyone. is this what it’s like to be out in public? don’t want to make eye contact with too many people because i feel like smiling at everyone.

i walked. and walked and walked and walked. i explored the farmer’s market. eddie had given me a monstrous avocado from florida. it was actually the most perfect avocado i’ve ever seen. and in a way, this was important because i have a feeling i will never see eddie again. i’ve been saving it until i could find the perfect way to eat it. i saw these unbelievably lively tomatoes and decided to make guacamole. of course, i’ve never made guacamole so i was going by inspiration. i bought the tomatoes and then an onion from two different stalls. i could have bought them at the same place but i wanted to support both. i saw someone advertising award winning guacamole. i squeeze in and sneak a peak at their label to check my work. I need cilantro. and a lemon. but i would rather use lime. there are no worthy limes in the entire market so i decided i would either search my fridge for that one lemon i swore i bought two months ago, or go without. decided to walk the few miles home.

then i discovered the santa monica library.

serene. something unadulterated there. reread this book about ant societies. it’s subtly hilarious and my happy little secret. switched off between chapters of reservation road (large print, the only copy available but it reminded me of being a kid discovering reading again.) listened to instrumentals from soundtracks. was occasionally distracted by a homeless man playing a psp.

i have been way way too involved with people lately. but what they don’t believe is quietly the truth, and what they believe is what’s completely non-existent. must maintain balance.

what is infinitely small is also what is infinitely large. what is infinitely large is simultaneously infinitely small. just grasp it people. please. however you need to express it and communicate it, just do it.

ffuhb

we were taught that. fallible fucked up human beings. to be a psychologist, you must identify with this.

i was sad tonight. i was so, so sad tonight.

but i think it’s stupid we have to pretend to be these ffuhbs.

let’s start our own game.

the more people who participate, the more fun it is.

you either get it or you don’t.

you’ll either know it or you won’t.

whatever it is that you can bring, bring it.