Echo

long weekend movie reviews:

we are marshall – loved it. love sports movie, love inspirational movies, love good writing, love how crazy-ass coach gets it done. best work matthew fox has done, outside of that one episode of snl he hosted last season.

be kind rewind – eh. i only really wanted to like it because mos def is so likable. but having gone through film school and seen my share of really, really, really badly made homages to the greats, it was hard to suspend my disbelief that even well-intentioned crap would really be so captivating to the average movie renter. but again, the mos def factor so i’m reluctant to say anything bad.

definitely, maybe – at the risk of sounding like a total chick here, ryan reynolds………damn. it was like a feature version of how i met your mother without the hijinx, but i give it props for being better and a thimble deeper than i expected, though little miss sunshine abigail breslin will always seem like an alien child to me. michael was very patient with me commenting in awe over how cute ryan reynolds was every few minutes. i was surprised he had that effect on me without jumping in a lake and coming out with water dripping down his sweet, ripped torso (see: the amityville horror. i think i cried from pleasure overload during that scene). actually, now that i’m remembering that scene from amityville, i can’t remember a single other thing about this movie.

walk hard: the dewey cox story – i can’t remember who insisted that i see this and said that it’s surprisingly funny. i worried it would be 90 minutes of “cox” jokes, but it did get a few laughs out of me. you definitely feel like the movie was written for will ferrell and they settled for john c. reilly who did a great job. the film laughs at itself, laughs at the evolution of music, laughs at the everchanging drug scene. it has great cameos in it, particularly one scene where dewey drops acid with the beatles played by paul rudd (john), jack black (paul), jason schwartzmann (ringo) and justin long (george). justin long is consistently adorable. have you seen him as a jilted robin?

in bruges – i saw that roeper and whoever, the guys who replaced siskell & ebert, named this movie as one of the best movies of the year thus far. it stars colin farrell and brendan gleeson as hit men hiding out in belgium until their boss gives them the all clear. the dvd case said this was a comedy, but it’s a comedy in the sense that pulp fiction is a comedy as it’s pretty graphic at times with its violence. there are plenty of midget jokes for those who think a comedy isn’t a comedy unless there are midgets or someone loses an eye. oh, someone loses an eye as well. the best scene is the shoot out between ralph fiennes as the angry boss and colin farrell, where they negotiate the terms of the shoot out so they don’t get a pregnant innkeeper caught in the crossfire. this is a great little british indie that debuted at sundance, written and directed by the guy who won an oscar a few years ago for the short film, six shooter (which incidentally, is on a dvd compilation of oscar-nominated shorts that i watched half of on the trip, but haven’t gotten to that particular film yet). how my dad managed to rent it, i don’t know, but as much as he hated it, i enjoyed it. colin farrell redeems himself as a compelling actor; i haven’t felt so compelled by him since minority report, before he publically came out as a man whore.

beowulf – another one that my dad rented that i watched because it was there. i had to read this book for like 6 different classes as an english major, and if you ask me now, i can’t tell you what it’s about except a dragon who was pissed about all the noise people were making, and his vengeful mother. and this guy who had balls the size of war vessels. but i had just read a review of wanted that mentioned that angelina’s amazing in this, so of course, i watched it for her. the animation is amazing but at some point, it got a little old as the story unfolds so painstakingly. and really, i wanted to indulge my chick-crush on angelina so i fast-forwarded to the part where she seduces our hero (who by the way, had all his old-man fat CGI’d off. i saw sexy beast. i know what ray winstone really looks like. you can’t trick me with those beautiful, beautiful fake abs that even made my dad exclaim, “wow, look at those abs.” by the way, there’s a naked fight scene. i mean, seriously. he couldn’t even be bothered to put on a codpiece). i watched the rest of the movie on fast forward because my dad had grumbled that he didn’t like the movie and had fallen asleep, and i really just wanted to see angelina who apparently gave birth to a humongous dragon who’s beowulf’s child. hmmm. i don’t remember that being in the book i studied in school, but i partook in quite a bit of contraband between then and now so i could very well be wrong. i don’t know. the movie’s visual eye candy, but i found it a little boring.

oh, i had a flash.

hierophant.

someone with taurus like energy.

the letter G.

everything falls under the power of 9.

isis

she is the key

i’ve been running into a lot of random people from the past lately. the thing that’s strange about these encounters is that these people seek me out and remember me, but i don’t remember them.

i usually have a very precise memory, especially when it comes to people. i remember where i met them, what they were wearing, what was said in conversation, and even what i was thinking as bits of conversation were unfolding. i can remember the birthday of almost every person i’ve ever met if they’ve told me their birthday. all this information is stored in a web, so when i think about them or i see them, the entire web unfolds and i see all these facts and images so i can access anything i want in order to have a relationship-appropriate interaction. also, people like it when someone remembers details about them, so if you have a job in, say, sales, it really develops a personal relationship.

but lately, something is very, very wrong. these people are coming up to me and are so enthusiastic that it really surprises me the disparity of the strength of their memory of me against my complete lack of memory of them. it’s like my database program has been deleted.

i’m also noticing that these encounters have happened in a cluster since my birthday which is also worth taking note. first it was a girl on my plane who said we’d hung out together at a going away party last year (i had no recollection of her). turned out we had the same flight to and from san jose, so she sat with me and told me all about her life. granted, i pretended i remembered her even though i didn’t, but i learned a lot about her on the flight. she gave me her number so we could hang out sometime, but i know me…i’ll never call. i usually just allow the universe to bring me into experiences and people when the time’s right. so if i see her again or she finds me again, then that was what was meant to be.

on the car ride up to tahoe, my brother had to go to the bathroom so we took an exit that’s not one of the major stops, and found a single gas station in the middle of nowhere. i was standing by the soda machine, keeping an eye on my brother when a guy came up to me and asked me, “your name is julia, right?” i look over and it’s this asian guy who doesn’t look familiar so i don’t confirm or deny…i just ask him, “why.” he says that he’s a friend of a friend of mine, and that he’s hung out with me at my place in la as well as at my parents house. i must look really confused or suspicious because he fills in the details of my places, and meanwhile, i’m getting a growing feeling of unease, because i don’t let very many people into my home, so if this guy has been to two of my homes, then i must know him. but i don’t. so we talk and again, i find myself pretending that i know who he is (because from the sound of things, i do), but i can’t shake the feeling that i’m going on pure faith that this guy really knows me. sometime in the middle of the conversation, he bursts out, “julia…what the hell are we doing here??? i mean, where are we? we’re in the middle of nowhere. what are you doing here and what am i doing here?” “yeah, this is weird,” i say with a chuckle, feeling his question as both a question of random locational coincidence as well as one of a deeper existential nature. at the end of the conversation, he mentions that he wants to talk to me further about some things. i think to him, this encounter seems too bizarre to be for no reason. but sometimes it’s for reasons that don’t necessarily involve both parties, so i just shrug and say sure, but i don’t offer a way to contact me and he doesn’t ask me for anything so we leave it at that. i figure, if we’re meant to connect again, we’ll connect.

the last thing happened today. getting off my flight today, i pass by an african american gentleman wearing a suit. i know he looks familiar but i don’t make an effort to place him and walk past him. he stops me and says, you play basketball at the gym. i’m surprised. i’ve actually run into people i play basketball with at the gym, but it’s like that phenomenon where people who know me in day to day life sometimes don’t recognize me when my hair is up and i’m wearing glasses even when they’re looking right at me–usually people from the gym don’t tend to recognize me when my hair is down. he says that i know his son, and even though there’s one kid in particular that i pay attention to and i wonder if that’s his son, i’m blanking on both what the kid looks like and what his name is. this guy starts talking to me in a familiar way because obviously i know them, except in this moment, especially since that night i made a commitment to exercise my right brain and develop my left hand, my memory of him and most people is missing, along with my sense of time and dates. it’s really like a certain part of my brain has become disabled (when i say disabled, i don’t mean handicapped, i mean turned off…like a program). this guy is obviously more familiar with me than i am with him, and i can’t find where i stored the files that tell me who he is.

i engage in friendly small talk and tell him to say hello to his son for me and that he’s a good kid, even though i can’t picture him in my mind at this moment but i know i would recognize his energy when i see him. he invites me to go swimming with him sometime, and i tell him that i’ve injured my shoulder even though i was just on the plane saying that i need to start swimming at the gym. again i figure, if we’re meant to meet again, we will. i walk away, and even though i see him looking over at me periodically as i wait for my bag, i stay focused and block out any energetic invitation that would make me approachable. everything is everything until something becomes clear.

i really don’t run into people that often. or perhaps i do, but usually, people don’t recognize me or see me, and i don’t really make an effort to reach out, thinking that if an interaction was meant to be, it would happen.

a part of me worries if there’s something wrong with my brain lately, but i’m substance free (barely even drinking since my birthday is really the one night a year that i let loose and drink), and there are other parts of my mental capacities that have become stronger and more focused than ever, which makes me think that perhaps my brain power is being diverted elsewhere.

memories are things i cherish and i used to have this thing where i remembered everyone, down to people who worked at my high school whom i’d never spoken to, or waitresses at restaurants i’d only ever been to once. maybe i’m just letting go of people. maybe i’m just realizing that you can’t take every single person you ever met with you towards wherever you’re going, so you have to be selective, hanging on only to the strongest connections. and maybe since i don’t willingly let go of people, my mind is doing it for me. maybe the ram that was used to store and organize people and the facts that make them up in my mind is being used for something else now, along with what was used to keep track of time and dates and organize information systems. over the last four years, i had organized my mind to mimic a CRM system that utilized microsoft outlook as a database. now i can barely use outlook or find anything in it.

i guess my question is then, given these new experiences that have been happening and the changes i can see and feel–what is my brain up to, and should i have faith or be alarmed?

i gave it some thought. for now, i’m going to have faith. i don’t exactly know why certain things are happening or what they mean, but i have a feeling that i don’t need to. as long as i stay focused, the truth that i’m seeking will become clear.

back home in la and everything is fine again. it’s strange how attached to home i’ve become lately. i actually feel stronger physically when i’m inside my home and can see my temple; my mind is clearer.

i had an anxiety attack yesterday. strangest thing. it was like blowing a mental fuse where all this energy spewed out, and just as quickly as it was coming out, it was evaporating. it was like splitting up into one very freaked out, terrified, appendage-flailing person, and one caretaker who was trying to move things out of the way before the first person could damage them. i was simultaneously trying to stomp on and trying to pick up and save a box of kleenex. i was freaking out about people trying to tell me what to do with my life out of their own ulterior motives (not necessarily bad intentions but still, a projection of their will onto me) instead of what was good for me, while simultaneously and bewilderedly apologizing for my seeming complete lack of control over my emotions. it was the weirdest feeling of going in two different directions really really fast and very very recklessly, each extreme reaction unable to pull the other into one focused direction so it all balanced out into a frenzied neutrality. when it happened, my mom just stared at me. she opened her mouth to respond, but then she thought better of it and left me alone because she knew it had nothing to do with her. after a few minutes of quiet time by myself, whatever had gotten into my head released its hold and it was over. i remembered there’s nothing you can do about life except take it one step at a time.

michael made a big difference. he wasn’t around when it happened, but as aloof as he often is, for whatever reason, he stuck closely to me the rest of the night, and we had a lovely evening spending time just the two of us. there’s this michael that comes out sometimes whom i’ve never been able to really explain to anyone because this part of him appears only when we’re alone. the closest thing i can imagine it being likened to is the way sapient dolphins can suddenly appear in mysterious waters, leading lost ships to land. it’s like his eyes are clearer, he seems wiser and bigger than you, and there’s an energy that comes out of him that’s the truth, so pure and unwavering that you know there are things in this world beyond what you see at face value, and those powers work in the name of all that is good. there are moments when he’s like this that i’m convinced he’s smarter than me, that he’s perhaps smarter than all of us, and this is simultaneously the most wonderful and the most tragic thing because he’s kind of trapped in a world of beings who have yet to evolve to a place where they can fully grasp the power and nature of truth.

so last night he reminded me. and i remembered that i have to be selective in what i see and believe, tuning out the voices and energies that distract me and pull me in the wrong or unnecessary directions.

i think i’m ready to ground my energy.

won $350 in tahoe and michael won on every slot machine he touched (over $280, i think, on 4 machines). and yet i still can’t feel my legs when i fall asleep.

help.

i’m losing control of the volcano and the energy is turning dark.

i want to get out of the country but i have a feeling even that won’t be far enough away.

yet a secret part of me is afraid i’m going to take myself so far away that i may actually let go forever.

i’ve stopped recognizing myself in the mirror.

all i see is someone who is so, so lost.

and i look at her and out of stubborn pride, i refuse to ask her why.

i almost had it today, i almost had my legs. i was almost ready to become the princess of disks and bury that spear deep into the earth so i could reclaim dominion. i could see everything and my path was solid, not a theoretical vision but a real thing that exists like a place or a person. but then something happened and i crumbled again, lost in amorphic feelings that seem to refuse to convert into fuel.

i’ve lost my handle. and i need to find some way to get it back soon, before this energy dissipates and leaves me stranded.

i could say, i need a 3rd point i can trust so i can triangulate my position, but how can another person help illuminate where i am if i’ve lost where i’m going again.

maybe this is a stage. i hope it’s a stage. but a part of me feels that there’s an urgency to this matter.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25501088

Great! This will bring great pride to our nation once again, pride we haven’t had since WWII and the internment of Japanese Americans.

Thanks, fuckers! Can’t wait.

approaching 3am. it’s like falling down until you fall out of the sky into the other side of the world.

do you ever wish you could reserve the right to a restart at any stage in life? like if you make the choices that lead you down a path that turns stranger than fiction, that you can hit a restart button and start over back in time in case you ever needed it?

i love the idea of going backwards in time to become Past You but taking your advanced knowledge with you. like traveling back in time but only packing your brain.

when i was a kid i was always obsessed with the fantasy of going backwards in time, but having the knowledge and wisdom i had in the future. mostly, i would make a killing on the stock market because i’d been so careful to remember which companies were strong, so in private fervor, i would memorize company information and symbols in case i ever woke up to find myself in the past. i think the obsession with memorizing statistics reached its apex when i started memorizing sports trivia in case i needed to supplement my restart 8 year-old income with sports betting as well. i even had a plan worked out, of how i would impress a close family relative with my seeming psychic knowledge of outcomes, so they would go in on placing bets for me. then if i invested the winnings well, by the time i was 20, i would be…a megamillionaire. i think the expansion and practice of this fantasy went on for years, but after a while, i looked around at my life, my head swimming with numbers, symbols and logos, and i realized i was packing for a trip to a place that…well…doesn’t even exist.

so i gave up my little hobby.

but usually, if no one’s watching, i restart video games if things aren’t boding well. if no one is around to gloat, why lose if you don’t have to. i’m not ashamed.

okay. what a day. i only had two hours of sleep so i felt like i sleepwalked through conversations and the motions today. definitely a day unique in feeling, though somewhat tinged by unexplainabe remorse as i seem convinced that i must have offended someone in my staggerings today. i would just be shocked if i hadn’t.

so today’s topic that’s unavoidable. baron davis. baron.

so to backtrack–right before the draft, i had a strong feeling that baron wouldn’t be back next season. by the end of the draft when i realized he wasn’t being traded, it hit me…baron davis was leaving us. this made me pretty sad.

you have to understand something. that was the season that coincided with my sudden awakening. something crazy and eye-opening was happening, and it was affecting people around me. at the same time, i was suddenly aware of another level of people, this substance that exudes somewhere between soul and kindness. i’ve learned to call this quality good intention in its absolute purest most divine form, but it’s something with a flavor of its own. i started to look for that quality, and people who had it would just look brighter than everyone else. and this is the thing. in normal every day life, strangers can interact without really seeing or acknowledging each other. but in connections with these people who seemed to stand out, the first moment of eye contact is a sudden but blatant recognition, something you’re never really prepared for and which in hindsight, you can never quite explain. you just find yourself staring at each other without knowing exactly why.

anyway, fast forward a year through life, a break up, an awakening and a miraculous basketball season carried on the chariot wings of sheer magic and power of will, i saw things in people that gave me absolute belief in a higher power, and that that higher power resides strongly within individuals who let it in.

i think a lot of people in the bay area got their proof of magic last year, and without necessarily knowing how significant this experience was, it changed them. when i felt the knowledge last week that baron was moving on, it made me anxious and monitor the fan message boards intently, trying to find out what people knew and if they were prepared. it seemed most were optimistic that baron would stay at least one more season while others wanted him traded for a better piece, but as i read, i became more and more sure that baron was already gone. i think collectively on a subconscious level, we all knew. and i guess i’ve been a little sad about it, but at least i can be open now that it’s announced. i take back the shit i was talking about him today. i was just not prepared for the energies of today. he’s a good guy who’s following his other pursuits and who always wanted to go back home, and he took the reins of his life instead of letting oakland sign and potentially trade him somewhere he didn’t want to go. and as long as he stays focused and blocks out the bullshit, he’ll always be a good guy…i give him the greatest respect as a human being.

the only thing that sucks is reading the boards now and seeing all those people who had just gained newfound faith feel so bereft. but the world wasn’t created to be fair, and i hope at the end of the day, once they get their sports loyalty out of their system, the fans can have some perspective on this and see a guy who’s just doing his thing and pursuing his happiness, and will use it as motivation to pursue their own.

i don’t feel bad. hey, the plan was always to live in the same city anyway, right?

i think this warriors fan sums it up best:

http://forums.warriorsworld.net/main/msgs/2038935.phtml

Whatever.

The thing that Warrior fans are upset about isn’t that he’s leaving, but all the BS he fed in soundbytes about wanting to end his career here and about where his heart is. It’s like the wrong way to handle a break-up. If you need to do what’s best for yourself, then do it. But don’t keep saying I love you and I want to be with you forever shortly before you go sprinting out the door. Even if it is for multimillions of dollars. I think I’m just disappointed in him because I do like him as a person.

Personally, outside of the fact he has to stop that mouth of his, I’m both sad and glad that he’s gone. I wish they had gotten something in return, but I really didn’t think they should commit a 5 year guaranteed deal to him, especially since he’s not young, he doesn’t have the best track record in terms of injuries, and he tends to play really well in contract years. The other years are a crapshoot.

i am feeling provocative

3am is my sun and i revolve around it.

if i were filthy rich, i would buy a massive house and customize a windowless room full of beige suede furniture and beige suede walls (there’s nothing more aesthetically irritating than beige suede with its men’s warehouse suit and lack of ambition). and this would be my fuck room. this room would be where i go, at my discretion, to quietly closing the door behind me and tear up the room screaming, “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!” until i feel like i can get a hold of myself again and go out and make more money.

being filthy rich = the luxury of a “fuck” room