Echo

when a person who’s strong at projecting is grieving, the universe heightens around them to let them know they’re part of something greater. the awareness of what i’m about to lose in the future is still a bit of a shock to me, but i’m trying to maintain focus and positivity, and prepare myself to deal with it with grace. without endings there are no beginnings.

brian talks to himself a lot. it’s weird because sometimes i think he’s doing it to get my attention, and sometimes i think he’s just in his own world and it’s a funny thing to be around. i’m sure he has all kinds of crazy stories about me, which is why i try not to piss him off too much.

we have a funny relationship. not married, not partners, not friend-siblings, but more like two particles who go really far out into the world to create new, private experiences, but happen to return to the same place because it’s where they keep their stuff. we’re so love/hate, and most of our tiffs come from petty jealousies.

it’s kind of our big test right now. can the twins come out of their cubbyhole. i never leave far from home, and he’s afraid to live alone, but i think it’s time we did this, kicked each other out of the nest, our comfort zone. he’s been freaking out a little about me leaving, and i really felt it was less out of concern for my romantic matters, but more about his being alone for a few months. but as terrified as i am, we’ve got to at least test it out. maybe we can live without each other. maybe i’m secretly terrified that when i get back, he’ll be gone.

today he found me sitting in my underwear on the balcony. the nights have been so nice lately, with a slight breeze. we watched the people in the building across the street and talked about how summer has an energy that feels communal and brings people together. i went back to my office and as i logged onto my computer, he slyly mentions that he was furious at colin for telling me to go to europe, acting out the phone call but minimizing his role in them in a more diplomatic light. i found that hilarious because colin had already told me exactly what brian had said. he wanted me to know that he told colin that he and hooch are going to have to take turns living with him to keep him company.

a part of me felt a twinge of jealousy. that kind of energy in this place will be one hell of a party. but i’ve gotta leave for it to happen. i told him he should definitely get them in the house. and that they should really set up a webcam.

the idea caught fire, probably because we were both standing around in our underwear, and he got excited about it.

i told him i would set up a webcam if he would set one up, so we could watch each other like we’re goldfish. we discussed the logistics of it, and i was continually surprised by his willingness…brian usually knows better than to get involved in one of my underwear schemes. i told him that as long as he promises he’ll set up his webcam and not turn it off if something juicy’s happening, i would figure out all the technical details. he agreed. i felt like it was my birthday.

i haven’t webcammed since the 90’s, when that whole frontier was a bizarre mosaic of personalities and worlds, yet so intricately beautiful. i learned about the dark side of the world young, through chatrooms and message boards and websites put shoddily together like junior high presentations. i interacted with the more depraved parts of human nature and witnessed the effect of instability in people’s lives. if my parents knew the types of people i was meeting and learning and doing things with, they would have thought i’d fallen into a river and gotten possessed by a demon. or looked at me as an alien child. but the thing was, the bad stuff never got inside me or touched me, but it was the fact i had an intense drive to experience everything, both positive and negative. because i was just experiencing things i should have been too young to experience, and it made me see the world in a different light than other people my age. i found that when people are in new places where they can’t help but reveal the truth of themselves, you’ll see things you never forget, things that are hard to believe. sometimes it’s inspirational, sometimes it’s haunting. i met faceless people whose energies were so dark and evil, i wondered if they were perhaps, not human. sometime around my senior year in high school, i started feeling like i was tempting fate, that if i kept playing with matches, i was gonna start a burning stake, so i detached myself from that world. i got closer to people in real life, became a larger role in their lives, and i started making connections and being consistent with them. i think about some of the dangerous things that i’d found online, and i always give thanks for how lucky i am that trouble never followed me back home. i kept a lot of secrets, and developed a lot of wisdom and somehow, i really want to find a way to honor the safe passage of that experience.

so this journey i’m about to embark on, it’s getting distinct reactions from people around me. i’ve been using the framework of story to separate a person’s message with their projections to help guide myself through this part. but once i get out of the bay…it’s going to be all me.

here’s something else i’ve learned is very important:

never allow trouble to know where you live, but always give the ones you love a way to run into you.

I found another piece of real estate I really want to invest in, but it’s going to be tough with no income. I’m going to need help from the universe on this one.

i’ve had so much to say the last few days, but i feel like i’m just bleeding out of my head because the things i really need to say to the people who need to hear them…it’s not happening.

they say when a gemini is talking a lot it means they’re bored, but what about frustrated?

sometimes, with some people, i feel like i’m running out of time, that i only have so big of a window to connect with them and exchange information, but somewhere, is a conflict of how much i should tell people, and whether or not it’s prudent for me to get involved in other people’s lives.

growing up, i was always the person who went in trying to break up fights who got punched herself, or ended up having a group decide they wanted to go after me instead. or sometimes, you stand up for someone, and in the end, you find out the loyalty’s not mutual as the next moment, they’re feeding you to the wolves because it benefits them. my dad always warned me, don’t get involved in other people’s lives. probably smart advice. but then i live an isolated life, watching people, wanting to tell them what i see, but afraid to get involved in case if the shit hits the fan, i’m the easiest one to blame.

life, like in writing, is about making strong choices. they may not be the right choices, but at least you committed to making a choice and the results will fall into place the way they will by the forces of cause-effect. and then from there, you find out the results and you adjust where needed. so i need to make a choice–my mind is strong these days. people ask me questions, and i have plenty to say, or at least i have plenty to output and that changes as they give me more or different information. but i’m so afraid of being too straightforward with people, or too honest with people, because i still don’t want them to kill the messenger. maybe trust is a two way street. if they trust me to be open, then i learn to trust them to be respectful, and perhaps we can see what really happens when i talk to people without holding back.

or maybe this is a test to see if i’ve learned how to leave people alone, to keep my thoughts and images to myself and let people figure it out on their own.

i think perhaps a good rule of thumb from now on, is to keep my mouth shut, and not be tempted by provocations to get me to speak, and if people really want to hear or see things, they have to be very direct in their request, really give me the assurance that they are open and willing to hear what i have to say.

otherwise, leave it all alone, and watch things unfold as though i’m watching a movie. people always find their way onto their feet, even if they have to go through really hard experiences and journeys to get there. just because you might be able to see where they’re going, doesn’t mean you have a right to tell people.

i got a taste of my own medicine today. i knew it was coming and so i can’t say i didn’t deserve it. good or bad, the world always balances itself out.

my blueberry nights. movie with good intentions and some very sweet moments. love to hate natalie portman but i give her the utmost respect for her acting. it made me a little irritated in a sisterly way why the chinese (not named ang lee) have such an awkwardness when it comes to the subject of sex. i feel like jude law was a little leering and they could have done with a sweet, mysterious unknown in this role. when i sit and imagine what it would be like to be in an empty room with jude law, i’m convinced that if he’s set you in his sights, the seduction would be quite predatorial. it makes me wonder…if in another world, wong kar wai (who claims he doesn’t go by a script) had said to jude, hey jude…let’s improvise on this one. let’s try it where you think about how you, jude law, would carry out the unfolding of a seduction of this heartbroken girl, in this empty dinner in the middle of the night…

i just feel that if wong kar wai had let him do that, we would have gotten a much more interesting film, but one where we’re not sure how comfortable we feel about the things we saw jude law do to a sleeping norah jones.

i really liked the character, but i’m just really not into jude law.

it was a sweet movie. because blueberries are sweet, so we knew from the title that the director wanted everyone to know that everything would always be okay. hey, natalie portman’s dad died and she’s not even crying, so everything is hella okay. and it’s nice that everywhere that norah jones went by bus, she always found idyllic pitstops without meeting any super crazy muthafuckers. just maybe a handful of people who are higher on the passion spectrum. great stories and characters. but in the end, just like we knew she would, when she’s a different person and ready, she comes back to the guy who fell in love with her the moment he saw her.

[sidebar: dude. menfolk. it’s obviously the subject of the week. even the girls are discussing it. in fact, i even had a dream last night where i went to this monastary that was like an all girls school meets day spa, and us women spent all day in the courtyard wearing robes, drinking cucumber ice tea and talking about it. so you guys better start having the courage to look in a mirror and get real with what you see, because those of you keeping up the bullshit, you’re going to be hearing the truth from one of us.]

back to.

my movie thoughts. i’m really glad the director chose to paint a masterpiece about soul reunification, but i wish he took bigger risks with his main characters. they have to fully separate in order to be brought back together on a higher level. they have to have dropped those keys into an ocean, and then somehow, out of sheer will and miracle, find them again. trust me. i’ve been dropping keys in the ocean for years. but that’s when the miracle really happens. when you’re walking along a beach in the most random place, and you find that set of keys that you’d forgotten all about. i think maybe wong kar wai didn’t have the guts, but you have to admire how loving and protective he was to the characters he identified with.

i’m really glad i watched this movie tonight. it was the exact right time. i really love and appreciate my group.