Echo

approaching 3am. it’s like falling down until you fall out of the sky into the other side of the world.

do you ever wish you could reserve the right to a restart at any stage in life? like if you make the choices that lead you down a path that turns stranger than fiction, that you can hit a restart button and start over back in time in case you ever needed it?

i love the idea of going backwards in time to become Past You but taking your advanced knowledge with you. like traveling back in time but only packing your brain.

when i was a kid i was always obsessed with the fantasy of going backwards in time, but having the knowledge and wisdom i had in the future. mostly, i would make a killing on the stock market because i’d been so careful to remember which companies were strong, so in private fervor, i would memorize company information and symbols in case i ever woke up to find myself in the past. i think the obsession with memorizing statistics reached its apex when i started memorizing sports trivia in case i needed to supplement my restart 8 year-old income with sports betting as well. i even had a plan worked out, of how i would impress a close family relative with my seeming psychic knowledge of outcomes, so they would go in on placing bets for me. then if i invested the winnings well, by the time i was 20, i would be…a megamillionaire. i think the expansion and practice of this fantasy went on for years, but after a while, i looked around at my life, my head swimming with numbers, symbols and logos, and i realized i was packing for a trip to a place that…well…doesn’t even exist.

so i gave up my little hobby.

but usually, if no one’s watching, i restart video games if things aren’t boding well. if no one is around to gloat, why lose if you don’t have to. i’m not ashamed.

okay. what a day. i only had two hours of sleep so i felt like i sleepwalked through conversations and the motions today. definitely a day unique in feeling, though somewhat tinged by unexplainabe remorse as i seem convinced that i must have offended someone in my staggerings today. i would just be shocked if i hadn’t.

so today’s topic that’s unavoidable. baron davis. baron.

so to backtrack–right before the draft, i had a strong feeling that baron wouldn’t be back next season. by the end of the draft when i realized he wasn’t being traded, it hit me…baron davis was leaving us. this made me pretty sad.

you have to understand something. that was the season that coincided with my sudden awakening. something crazy and eye-opening was happening, and it was affecting people around me. at the same time, i was suddenly aware of another level of people, this substance that exudes somewhere between soul and kindness. i’ve learned to call this quality good intention in its absolute purest most divine form, but it’s something with a flavor of its own. i started to look for that quality, and people who had it would just look brighter than everyone else. and this is the thing. in normal every day life, strangers can interact without really seeing or acknowledging each other. but in connections with these people who seemed to stand out, the first moment of eye contact is a sudden but blatant recognition, something you’re never really prepared for and which in hindsight, you can never quite explain. you just find yourself staring at each other without knowing exactly why.

anyway, fast forward a year through life, a break up, an awakening and a miraculous basketball season carried on the chariot wings of sheer magic and power of will, i saw things in people that gave me absolute belief in a higher power, and that that higher power resides strongly within individuals who let it in.

i think a lot of people in the bay area got their proof of magic last year, and without necessarily knowing how significant this experience was, it changed them. when i felt the knowledge last week that baron was moving on, it made me anxious and monitor the fan message boards intently, trying to find out what people knew and if they were prepared. it seemed most were optimistic that baron would stay at least one more season while others wanted him traded for a better piece, but as i read, i became more and more sure that baron was already gone. i think collectively on a subconscious level, we all knew. and i guess i’ve been a little sad about it, but at least i can be open now that it’s announced. i take back the shit i was talking about him today. i was just not prepared for the energies of today. he’s a good guy who’s following his other pursuits and who always wanted to go back home, and he took the reins of his life instead of letting oakland sign and potentially trade him somewhere he didn’t want to go. and as long as he stays focused and blocks out the bullshit, he’ll always be a good guy…i give him the greatest respect as a human being.

the only thing that sucks is reading the boards now and seeing all those people who had just gained newfound faith feel so bereft. but the world wasn’t created to be fair, and i hope at the end of the day, once they get their sports loyalty out of their system, the fans can have some perspective on this and see a guy who’s just doing his thing and pursuing his happiness, and will use it as motivation to pursue their own.

i don’t feel bad. hey, the plan was always to live in the same city anyway, right?