won $350 in tahoe and michael won on every slot machine he touched (over $280, i think, on 4 machines). and yet i still can’t feel my legs when i fall asleep.

July 6th, 2008 | Comments Off on

help.

i’m losing control of the volcano and the energy is turning dark.

i want to get out of the country but i have a feeling even that won’t be far enough away.

yet a secret part of me is afraid i’m going to take myself so far away that i may actually let go forever.

i’ve stopped recognizing myself in the mirror.

all i see is someone who is so, so lost.

and i look at her and out of stubborn pride, i refuse to ask her why.

i almost had it today, i almost had my legs. i was almost ready to become the princess of disks and bury that spear deep into the earth so i could reclaim dominion. i could see everything and my path was solid, not a theoretical vision but a real thing that exists like a place or a person. but then something happened and i crumbled again, lost in amorphic feelings that seem to refuse to convert into fuel.

i’ve lost my handle. and i need to find some way to get it back soon, before this energy dissipates and leaves me stranded.

i could say, i need a 3rd point i can trust so i can triangulate my position, but how can another person help illuminate where i am if i’ve lost where i’m going again.

maybe this is a stage. i hope it’s a stage. but a part of me feels that there’s an urgency to this matter.

July 6th, 2008 | Comments Off on