Echo

in setting light
sweet words with tea
comes summer's end
a sunset between friends
a slight brush of skin
the birth...of a feeling

and so, begins the fall.

It's okay to have a crush on me.

Who knows. Maybe I have a crush on you.

But isn't that the thing about crushes?

They only have weight in the realm of imagination.

Because if they were real, they would be relationships.

My God. October comes around and it’s made me soft.

My mom and I were checking out the garden on Sunday morning when she says, “Is that a sunflower?” Sure enough, there was a random sunflower towering over some corn, a happy accident since we didn’t plant sunflowers.

I showed this picture to Jerry and he said it looked like that flower could talk, like it was magic or something.

Maybe it is. So random. So beautiful.

Happy day. New laptop.  Have music again. Fixed my playlists and just need to fill it out. Only thing is no random play but good enough. I can write again.

I made a commitment.

I’m gonna be ready. Will you?

I was talking to my younger cousins about how a girl can allure, but she can’t chase. Because guys don’t appreciate what they didn’t fight for and catch. My male cousin laughed and said it’s true. You can like a girl but as soon as she’s making it easier for you, you wonder, what’s wrong with her? It’s the social paradox. We want what we can’t have. We appreciated what is hard fought. Rare.

If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

If a person is gay but doesn’t know it, is he gay?

If a person is shy but no one believes it, will she ever find someone who can understand her sensitivity?

One thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten more life experience is to try to take a step back and to see where people are coming from. So often we act out of our own subjective defenses and insecurities, we don’t see when people are coming with theirs. One of the biggest positive adjustments I’ve made in the last few years is trying to take a step back and see where someone is coming from and knowing what is about me and the situation at hand and what is not, and try to deal with it from that perspective. It’s a much more grounded perspective and for the most part, creates better results. And connections you may not have otherwise made. I’m definitely not perfect and sometimes I’m having a bad day or am feeling particularly vulnerable or insecure, but overall, it’s about the awareness of what’s at work within personal interactions, and looking for the best (and kindest) outcome.

One thing that I’ve probably struggled with my whole life is how to deal with people who are threatened or intimidated by me. Because self-confidence was such a challenge for me, I don’t always see myself the way others see me; it’s hard for me to imagine people being threatened, because I don’t generally feel threat-worthy.  People probably felt like they were putting me in my place which basically resulted in bullying. But in hindsight, I can see how I intimidated them–I’m a passionate person who when I set my sights on something, I go at it with a life or death intensity. I’ve been blessed with a good position in life (though behind closed doors, as with all lives, there are trade offs). I am so afraid of embarrassing myself in public that I strive to do everything well, but those standards can be intimidating to those around me, especially when they fear my hardline standards for myself may extend to them. But the irony is that as hard as I push myself, I’m so sensitive to other people’s feelings– I always try to see the best in others, I’m very kind, though I do try to push them towards their potential if they aren’t happy. It’s because deep down, I care.

Especially in recent years, I’ve come a long way in terms of integrating myself. I’m more able to feel confident in being myself and more or less accept myself, even though sometimes I still wish I could be invisible. What I’ve learned is that sometimes when people aren’t nice, or say weird things, it’s about them, not me, and sometimes if you recognize that so you can get around that ego tension instead of meeting it head on, you can build something real.

An example is this girl who works at the company we’re close partners with. I’ve met her a few times, and I find her bossy, a bit humorless and self-involved. There was a call where we were talking about plans for the upcoming show, and I suggested something that would provide more integrated marketing and she said something about how if we had all the money in the world we could do anything we wanted but we had to make sure our plans had a point, and I was mad about it for a whole weekend because what I had proposed actually helped us tie the plans together so there was a purpose. And don’t fucking lecture me on what marketing is. The next week, she proposed the thing I had proposed, and I was really irritated. Now it’s a good idea?

A week later, I went down to visit their company. One of the sales guys is in an 80s cover band, so I went to watch and she was there. As she introduced me to her friends, I don’t know if it was the different setting or what, but it occurred to me that maybe she was so pushy and abrasive because I intimidated her. What if she just wanted to feel like she measured up? So when she introduced me to her friends, she told them that I was the one who had given their company a speech a few months ago, and I told them that she was amazing, the way she directed everything and made sure everything was on point. I said it with my usual passion and honesty, because it was true–I was really impressed with her. I saw that she kind of relaxed, like her shoulders dropped a little or something because after that, it was cool between us. I made sure to joke around with her, and laugh at her jokes, and I felt like even though at first I didn’t like her and she probably didn’t like me, because we’d made a connection beyond that ego friction, we were now…cool.

Sometimes I get intimidated, too, but the problem is people don’t realize it. They just think I’m being arrogant, even though to know me, I’m not an arrogant person. Especially when I’m afraid people won’t think I’m smart. Or that I’m useless. To be honest, lately I’ve been having to deal with this. I end up trying to prove that I know what I’m talking about or I feel that people are questioning me and I get irritated. It’s just fear. But I have to be careful how it comes out, because people who aren’t perceptive won’t know it’s just fear, and will find it offensive or think I’m trying to bully them. It runs in the family. We’re passionate people of action. We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. So when we get scared, we get angry, because being scared means we don’t know what to do, and when people count on you, not knowing what to do means you are failing someone, and that makes us angry. At ourselves and the situation. I always appreciate when people who know me well know when I’m scared and know what I’m really looking for is to be told that it’s okay, that it’s not all on me to find a solution, or can help with a solution. That’s probably why I work well with people who are perceptive and calm. That’s probably why I don’t work well with women.

Another thing I’ve learned is called “worst case scenario.” For example, when I was younger, if I liked someone, I would be so afraid of rejection that I would assume the worst case scenario. I would assume he was a player, he was gay, he already liked someone else. And no matter the truth of the situation, I would assume the worst. It was just that I didn’t have confidence in myself, and not that I thought these things of these people, but it was a defense to push them in the opposite end of what I hoped. I’ve noticed that a lot of guys will come and talk shit to me. I remember one guy from work came out with us to the cowboy bar. Later, my brother Jason told me he had talked shit about me all night, and at first Jason felt like, he shouldn’t be saying these things, and then he realized, the guy was talking shit because he liked me. It’s like elementary school. But it’s human nature. If I really were the person that a guy hopes I am–smart, funny, kind, sweet, loyal, passionate in bed who looks at you like you are the man you always knew you could be…what does that mean for you? Sometimes it’s easier to assume the worse and expect the least. Sometimes the thought of getting what you want can be the most terrifying thought of all.