Echo

The last time we had an election during a mercury retrograde was during the gore fiasco. I’m a little nervous.

All afternoon I’ve been wondering who took out my security camera and why.

Digital Reasoning session talking about how to differentiate the leading and lagging numbers.

It makes me wonder, how much of this site is reflection and how much is programming?

They’ll contact me when they have something to say.

I texted him last night and said, something inside me changed this week.

He asked me to let him know when I figured out what.

I think it’s a feeling of getting more at ease with things that are not black and white.

And the sudden return of the hunger.

Maybe these guys are just looking for validation. Someone to see them a certain way, a way they want to see themselves.

Does it freak a guy out when he reads how I can read into another man, know my hold with enough confidence to call him out for thinking about me?

But if you were to ask me if a man I covet thinks about me, is open to me, I would tell you, I don’t know. My desire (vulnerability?) creates a blind spot. I have no confidence in this area. I don’t believe someone I wanted has ever wanted me back because I’ve never experienced it. Maybe because I’ve been blind or maybe because it never happened, I don’t know, but the experience is the same. I have a poor read on things the more I care about them.

Today we talked about the tournament pictures and he said he doesn’t look good in any pictures. And so I sent him some I thought he looked good in. On one hand I wondered if he was fishing for a compliment but on the other it didn’t matter to me because I knew the way I see him and I want him to feel about himself the way I feel about him. Does he know how I see him? Do I matter to him? It doesn’t really matter. But because it doesn’t, that’s exactly why I’m in the situation I’m in.

I told Shello what my phone did and she asked me if that’s why Jerry was laughing at his desk. Yeah, I said. It felt good to know that even when I’m not physically there, I can still make him laugh.

Some things don’t need to be said. There’s only been one man I’ve ever considered having kids with. There could always be another. I don’t think too much about it either way.

Alright, that’s enough embarrassment for one day.

iPhone…you’re such a motherfucker.

Ballapalooza afterglow. Still hungry.

Okay, let’s be honest. If I knew it would never ever ever ever ever become public knowledge, in any given situation, I will push to see how far things go. I am capable of saying anything in the moment to get you in bed. Most times I’ll do it without even touching you. You will be the one who touches first. You will never have wanted something so badly. I’m a tiger. I have hunger. When it comes down to it, one way or another, I get fed. And when I’m done, I can disappear.

But I have a heart. Sometimes I confuse food with love. And that has caused me a certain amount of grief in my life.

I guard my privacy. The fear of exposure keeps me in check. I’m careful getting involved with people. I’m mindful of entrapment. So for the most part, I keep myself in check. But it’s those black alley “have you ever danced with the devil under the pale moonlight” moments, when my panther appears.

Now I’m thinking, Richard Branson fucks whoever he wants. Because he’s fucking Richard Branson and he has a spaceship company. It’s not my problem you’re married. You wanna hang with me you gotta give me a reason. Because I’m doing what I want when others just do what they can.

I mentioned all I’ve been thinking about today to Jerry, who once declared the Ashley Madison site created by the devil. I told him about how single guys won’t approach me bc they feel they have too much to lose. Married guys are more bold because they can hide behind their situation and have nothing to lose. That’s probably why the ones who aren’t skeezy are so honest about it. Maybe this is it in an imperfect world, and in a perfect world, i’m someone’s 2nd marriage, when they go through what they thought they were supposed to do, the natural progression of things, then realize one day, their lives got away from them.

He wrote back, makes sense. Can’t really argue any of it.

He’s condoning my involvement with married men?

Unexpected.