I’ve never told anyone this. Why I seem to have a thing for Germany.
When I was in kindergarten, I could never sleep during nap time. The only way I could pass the time was a fantasy in which I had a machine in which I created perfect blond-haired blue-eyed men who serviced me.
Now I don’t know what “serviced me” meant to a 5 year old but in hindsight, I got the gist.
Maybe that is the secret I brought with me into this world.
Hitler was a bastard. But maybe all he wanted was the dream of having perfect blond-haired blue-eyed men service him. If there’s a lesson to be learned, it’s that repressing homosexuality has tragic consequences. Gotta let your freak flag fly.
Tomorrow will be a full moon on a 29th day. I’ve been hitting on 8’s lately. Let’s see what pops.
Got a massage on Sat from my secret weapon. She said the doctor told her I’m a monster on the court. I laughed. Men have called me that.
My shins were cramping after the first game. He massaged them out (one of the most painful experiences you’ll ever have) and I was able to power through the next game against tall 23 year olds.
He’d always fixed me up but this was the first time he’d seen me play. He said he thought I played bigger but I played small. And quick. Said I’m better than 75% of the guys. Said it in an amazed way in that whatever thoughts he’d had about me, I’d far exceeded them.
75%. A solid C in a man’s world, a solid A++ in being the creature that haunts a man when he’s alone in the dark. Temptation and fear, like bourbon and bitters. The potential loss of self. It’s an intoxicating cocktail. An addiction, some would say.
I can be your addiction. I can keep you fed. You want to build a wolfpack? Start with a woman who hunts.
Basketball is the best kind of war. Walking is the best exercise. I would say sex if it wasn’t so messy.
My approach to sex is like my approach to drugs. I don’t do drugs. People keep telling me I would really like ecstasy but I don’t want to try it for fear I would really like it. Then what happens if I want it all the time, but know I can’t? It’s worse to have tasted and want it but not be able to have it.
I would rather not taste something at all than want something I can’t control or that’s bad for me.
Build trust with me first before you tease me. Even if you’re being playful, chances are I won’t like you.
I told the german guy, I like germans because they’re efficient and methodical. They’re robots. And Asians are the computers, the CPUs. We need your engineering and our minds to take this world to the next level.
He asked, are you telling me you’re a CPU?
I’m an SSD, I told him.
Smell. That’s another way I’m doing it. I can feel when someone’s body temperature spikes around me. But I can also smell when there’s compatibility. They’ll smell familiar, like my own skin.
I am unsure here, because in that one kiss, even though it was a good one, I could tell he was a man about control. Not saying he’s not capable with control, he seemed thoroughly competent judging by his build and hands. But control often comes with a lining of cruelty, and that’s something I know I am to avoid. I can not survive in those ambiguities.
And yet another ambiguity I’m in. I’m learning to breath in a state of ambivalence. I’m learning to deal with the gray. prey
You see a mean dog sleepin’, you go pesterin’?
Mountain View has the highest density of white guy with asian wife with beautiful mixed kids I’ve ever seen.
Engineer #1 I give 1.5 weeks before he responds. He’ll have to. Our conversation’s not over.
Engineer #2 If the number I gave him was correct, if I don’t hear from him by tomorrow I won’t.
I’m always at my most magnetic around the full moon.
I can’t hold it against a guy that he kisses like a douchebag I once knew but it is a red flag because it still is an indicator of nature and personality. Just like a guy with immature hands. Hands say so much about a man. So do his lips.
I think I’m more interested in people than I am in experiences. I’m interested in experiences that let me learn about people.
When I was talking to the German engineer, this other Asian girl (not the original creeper) dressed as a black fairy comes up, puts her hands on my face tenderly, then hugs me like we were separated after the Titanic sunk and she’s finally found me. Then she introduces me to her husband. When she leaves the guy asks me if I know her and I say no. Straight Asian girls just act weird around me sometimes.
9 years ago I told that douchebag Mike, I can get any guy I want. Now it’s happening, where I see a guy I wanna talk to and just by thinking about it without really trying, he’ll approach me. But yesterday was a lesson in, you may not always want what you get when you get what you want. You can’t be married to the results. And I know pretty quickly.
The married engineer told me to try everything. I’ve always been good at intuitively knowing good physical chemistry. But sometimes when I realize I can’t see a guy as my partner, I’ll drop my interest (because I don’t like to waste time) but if there’s chemistry there, I’ll battle with wanting to sleep with them once just to have tasted and my conscience of knowing that’s all I want.
That’s probably why so often I don’t get involved. Getting close to people stirs up very complicated feelings in me.
I was impressed though that I had just written about never liking someone and having him reciprocate, and it happened twice yesterday, of course being dressed as Lara Croft and having guns strapped to my legs helped. But made me wonder again, how much of this site is reflection and how much is programming my reality.
Jeez, life is teaching me lessons, but it’s lessons I need to learn. Found out about a by-invite-only Halloween party in Google territory. Talked my way in. Met a handsome German. I was gunning for him and he reciprocated. Physically, he’s a tease. And that made me realize, I can’t be with someone who holds back. I will walk away before I beg for it. I need security in knowing that stuff’s there when I want it. Don’t ever put me in a position where I feel I need to beg. I’ll walk away.