Echo

something is happening today. the energy is everywhere.

the problem is not that hillary is a woman. the problem is that she’s a scorpio.

i met an artist in london who didn’t understand the power of her own paintings.

some believe in the power of 2.

some believe in the power of 3.

i believe in the power of 9.

so where does that leave us?

some people create their realities. some people scare themselves into creating disappointing realities. some people don’t believe that reality exists. some people can find things but have not learned how to hold on to them. some people can sit in one place and make the mountains move to them. some people should work harder studying the other team before the fourth quarter. some people need to decide if they’re playing to not lose or playing to win.

i am not some people. i am me. but does it really matter who i am, as much as what i am?

last week we were looking at a canary. the gemini said, i just hate it when i see birds in cages.

no one responded. he said again, more quietly to himself, like in pet stores, i hate seeing birds caged up.

i think he figured no one was listening but i was and i understood what he meant. we geminis are birds in cages, always wondering what it would mean to spring free. he looked up and was surprised to meet my eyes and see me smiling. i quickly looked away. i’m careful about not getting involved.

maybe all this is just one big distraction keeping me from having the conversation i really should be having.

everything. is everything

we took an early flight to london, then a four hour drive to mersea, the island town where he’s from. i like that he’s an island boy. we stayed with his mother and her husband. they were a really cute couple, very comfortable life companions. i met his younger brother ian, and had a nice english roast dinner that was pretty fantastic. i was a little shy but families tend to like me so it was okay and i was comfortable. i was ridiculously excited inside when his mom brought out photo albums while we were cleaning up. my god, he was a beautiful child.

we retired to the den where we watched bbc and talked of politics and extreme sports. seriously. his mother insisted i try some ginger ale with my whiskey, but it was warm so…you can imagine. i offered some to david and he feigned enthusiasm and said, mmmmm…that’s lovely. later that night, he asked me if i really enjoyed ginger ale with whiskey and i said, no, his mother had been so excited about it that i wanted to be polite. he said he was glad i told him because it saved me from 30 years of him putting ginger ale in my whiskey.

we left the next day after a huge breakfast of bread, ham, cheeses, and meat pies, the experience probably giving me a lifelong love for milk tea. we headed to the home of one of his best childhood friends and his wife in the town of colchester.

the place felt deep in the country, and we pulled up next to a chicken pen. i kind of really enjoyed that. ben greeted us and noticed we were tan. and you’re really tan!, was the first thing he said me, which i thought funny and bizarre because he said it in a way that sounded like he knew me and was surprised i’d gotten so tan since the last time he saw me. he was the artistic type, the guy who belonged on a beach, whose strength radiates out in a resoundingly masculine way. i could tell he was also a gemini. his wife, kaz, was bright and airy like a butterfly caught in a windstorm, gently infusing her environment with electricity. their house was from the 16th century, held together with rich, fossilizing beams and new discoveries of hung knick knacks scattered around every room. it was like some magical treehouse antique store, where discovered objects allow you to travel to your past. b
ut then at night, they told us the room where we’d be sleeping used to be where they stored the bodies from the bubonic plague. i was kind of amused by that turn of events.

we went out where we introduced everyone to sake bombs. i efficiently got a room full of strangers drunk. and then i watched them and i tried to understand them.

ben is a vegetarian but he eats seafood. david thought kaz was a vegetarian but she had mentioned to me that she eats meat. i’m not sure what all this means. ian is somewhat hardheaded, but he’s soft at heart. i would be surprised if he wasn’t a good person. he brought up his exgirlfriend and everyone kind of groaned. he still holds a candle for her, and it made me really hope she’s a good person so she will be kind to him.

there was more beer at the restaurant, and then on to a drum & bass club that was overrun by teenagers. my favorite was the fat one in glasses with the bouncing tits. he looked like that kid in stand by me, but i was kind of proud of him, for getting on that dance floor and having the courage to follow his friends and try to grind a girl.

then something happened at the club, something small but resounding. i can’t figure out the energy of this town, so i didn’t get involved. there was something else there, the overlap of another reality, and then i saw something that i probably shouldn’t have seen. but i didn’t want to get involved so i detached myself from it. i couldn’t believe when david became sad later. i was determined to hide my hurt, even though a person always knows when there’s a room inside someone else into which they may never enter, often for their own good.

i was kind of relieved to go the next day. not because i didn’t have an amazing time and enjoy the company, but because i didn’t want to think about things anymore.

we drove the hour and a half to london without really speaking. i think i was probably the creator of that, since i was deep in debate with myself and wanted to sort out my head alone.

the next few days were more stable. i met his newlywed older brother and his wife and headed to their adorable home for a bbq. again, efficiently got a room full of strangers blitzed with sake bombs. they were amazing people, very funny and easy-going. i learned that when you toast someone, you look them directly in the eye and do not waver.

everything was going well, when i enountered david’s saturn-conjunct-moon (there are only two people i’ve met who have this and generously, they’ve both taught me a lot about this). i confronted it visualizing the mood-slaying of the princess of swords, the image of myself i decided to go into this trip with. (these were the symbols that helped me visualize what energies were at play, not like i treat my life like dungeons and dragons or some shit). what this means is basically, some men are so afraid of or conflicted by their emotional vulnerability, that they can be very emotionally reactive to defend it. often this comes from a hard, demanding male authoritative figure in childhood who caused a person to repress his emotions, so that the handling of emotions is inconsistent and can often come in an outburst of strong emotional sometimes inappropriate reactions. sometimes if the mother had the dominant role in the household, it would signify the mother as the source. regardless, emotions can be repressed until something triggers a past trauma that causes the person to roar like someone snuck up on their behind with a hot cattle prod.

in this case, i think he was feeling sad about me leaving and about potentially having to miss my birthday because of work, but he got sulky andwhen i tried to open up the subject and he didn’t want to talk about it, i just ended up purposely ignored it. which caused a quiet, restrained argument in our favorite place, the subway. i told him to relax, that i promise we’ll talk but we should do it where we’re free to talk. i laughed and told him everything was okay and he looked relieved because i wouldn’t lie. back at the hotel, i explained to him, just because i’m not highly emotive, doesn’t mean i don’t care. you can’t try to provoke me to check if i get emotional as proof that i care, because it’s just going to make me mad. i told him that it would be easy for me to get emotional and we could go head to head, but the reason i try to stay calm and stay focused that we’re on the same team, is so i don’t get mad and say or do anything that can’t be taken back.

i told him that if he relaxes, we can work things out, but he can’t get emotionally reactive to the point where he’s completely wrapped up in being upset, because his being upset doesn’t change the fact that i’m upset. you can’t bully a person out of being upset, i told him. but we can talk about it and figure out what happened together so that we can get back on the same page.

i think he was embarrassed and i really didn’t want him to be because everything was okay. i know sometimes with emotions, we just freak out.

i ask him, remember at the beginning of the trip, i told you we were going to have a big argument two days before i leave? yes, he says. it’s true. i wasn’t really serious when i said it, just a throwaway comment, but somewhere i had a feeling that two days before would be when the sadness over the separation would hit. and here we were, two days before i was to leave, having the necessary conflict to achieve more understanding.

i think a woman can help heal some aspects of this type of trauma by allowing a man to back his emotions down safely, once he realizes that he feels exposed, so that when he calms down he can hopefully understand what happened happened in a safe, protected place and that no one has judged him. i really think if men had a safe place to feel more comfortable expressing their vulnerability, insecurities and their perceived weaknesses, they would feel so much better about themselves, giving them more inner integrity to become much better leaders.

the rest of the trip was good, even when we said goodbye. but then i could already feel my memory loss creep in once we were separated in the airport, and it only deepened once i was nestled inside the safe confines of my home base. what is anything in this life, but part cold, stone reality and part projected illusion? if you focus hard enough, can you interchange the two?

when i’m alone, the question i really face myself with is…am i 100% willing to commit to a belief that magic exists?

i’ve lost an hour to distraction, staring at a picture of a gay man’s perfect abs and chest on facebook while contemplating brain hemispheres and the perception of time.

is that strange?

I’m back!

A steady diet of processed meat, chips, beer, milk tea and pastries, and I’ve lost weight. Go figure. 3 lbs closer to a 4 pack…

People have been asking if I’ve secretly gotten married.

Wouldn’t that be funny.

Over the years, I’ve come to an understanding that the things that matter most to me, I keep the most private. I’ll even be seemingly dismissive or deflective about something that I care a lot about, because things and people that are special to me are cherished with an almost transcendental quality, and I don’t want other people coming in and destroying the innocence of that, whether intentional or unintentional. If something means a lot to me, I protect it from the prying minds and hands of others. I didn’t understand it until I read about Venus in the 12th house, which really helped me come to peace with it and recognize what things matter to me. Venus in the 12th means secret relationships. I used to be freaked out because I read a lot about this placement that talked about it meaning affairs and a life of tortured unhappiness in romance because of idealism and its ensuing disillusionment. I’ve never cheated and am morally uncomfortable with the idea of carrying on with someone attached, but I think the way I output this energy is I keep my romantic relationships and feelings a heavily protected secret. If I’m idealistic in romance, then let the two worlds be seperate so the light of reality may never shatter it, when dreams can coexist just as well as reality on different planes. I tend to hide my true feelings with how deeply I hide in direct proportion to how strongly I feel. But if someone can find me and give me a safe space to show what secrets I hold, I’ll let them into a private world full of rich, passionate feelings that’s not tainted by anything from the outside.

Last week I wrote that the problem with a person who is deceptively outgoing or aloof as a way to protect their internal shyness is that they won’t be able to draw in other people who are shy like themselves. It really did make me sad because someone who has the ability to see and understand the real, private you will have a hard time realizing you’re there through your smokescreen. But sometimes, a person will just naturally slip through or disable your defenses just because of who they are. It’s my sword in the stone theory. Arthur pulled the sword from the stone because he was the right person. A person will pull the thorn from your heart when he is the right person.

I can wait.

I’m in Amsterdam again and whereas the last time I was here, I was getting hailed on and wearing almost all of the clothes I brought at the same time in layers, the weather here is like LA–my first day it was in the 90’s. It’s been beautiful all week.

I really made the right choice coming. It came down to the 11th hour, but everything fell into place and the right door opened, which was the door I was hoping for, though I don’t think I ever let myself really imagine how good it would be.

I believe there are four ways people can connect — mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. If you find someone you connect seamlessly with on all four, you may have found your other half.

Well, the day started off so fucked and then it ended on a surprising note. Everything ended up working out, including the fact I forgot to pack underwear for my trip. I ran to the mall to get some and then went into the vitamin store because I’m that person who likes to browse nutritional supplements the way some people like to browse porn. Met a couple of cool dudes and hung out talking about training, diet and living in different cities. One of the guys is training for that strong man competition where they’re lugging around trucks and flipping giant tires around. I was telling him how N.O. Xplode is crack, and he hooked me up with a few scoops since I didn’t want to buy a whole tub.

I went to SF with my mom and a real estate agent to look at a place out there, and I hated the sales person’s attitude. I was thinking how, if I were her, how I would treat each customer, how I would read each customer and realized, I would be really good at her job. There are a few things career-wise I know I’m have a lot of interest in and passion for — food, fitness & nutrition, real estate, psychology/human nature. I think writing and directing is my expression of my obsession with human nature and life, but it’s something that’s dependent upon life experience. I’m still early in my journey of exploring people and life, so there’s no rush on that. The work is made public when it’s ready. I’ve got my business plan for the food chain that fills a niche currently not on the market, but this is not the economy for the implementation of that. Which leaves fitness & nutrition and real estate. The fact that I was basically raised in a gym (it was my second home growing up. Before I could drive, I would just be dropped off at the gym after school and have to hang out there until 8 or 10pm when my parents got off work and could pick me up), and sometimes as a default, I just go to the gym because I feel comfortable and safe there. I would love to work in a gym and get into personal training. But that feels more like a hobby. I think in terms of work, in terms of a job that’s competitive but where I enjoy talking about what I’m selling and have the opportunity to meet many different people, working for a development company as a sales associate selling units of new developments would be great. I would be good at it and I would be working for large, professional companies in high risk/high reward situations. The level of investment from the companies would create a great deal of pressure on the sales people, which would give me the level of intensity and self-competition that I need to thrive. And if ultimately, my goal is to make a lot of money and meet a lot of people so that in 5-10 years, I can supply myself with the funds and material to finance my own film projects, I think this would be a great fit.

So I realized this and I was happy.

Then my cousin called, the cousin I’ve had a rivalry with all my life who I never liked or trusted. He wanted to hang out and I’m not that comfortable around him because I think he’s sneaky, but I figured, it’ll either suck or we’ll finally bury the hatchet. And it turned out, we buried the hatchet and it was good. It would be really nice to be friends with him, to be able to be supportive of each other. I recognize one of the reasons I hated him as a kid, was that he had a blessed childhood…he had a functional family where both parents adored him and he got whatever he wanted and yet he seemed to always be scheming. And I think I was just really jealous of that, that if I had parents who paid attention to me, I would just be happy with that. But as an adult, I really see the childishness of those thoughts and that anger, and that in other ways, I was blessed as well. It was a good evening.

I think the turning point of the day was really when things just seemed to be going wrong like a domino effect, and I had just had a fight with my dad over something stupid. I was in my car and thinking how fucked the day was and how everything was going wrong, and I thought, if I keep thinking that, it’s going to perpetuate a bad day. I have to change my attitude. So I started noticing things, like that person on the street looked happy, or that was a beautiful house, and thinking about how grown up Michael has gotten and the things I looked forward to this summer. And I think just energy and focus-wise, it really turned my day around.

I’m furious right now. So angry my chest hurts. And the thing that frustrates me most is I don’t know my next step so I can’t go sprinting off anywhere to fix things and remedy this feeling. I’m trying to cool down, doing every tactic I know, slow breathing, distracting my mind, taking a cold shower, remembering that I’m bigger than this and trying to expand outside of the feeling, but I just want to destroy something. Smash something. Hurt someone. Where is all this anger coming from? I haven’t felt this way, this destructive in years. It’s scaring me because I’m refusing to take this out on anything externally, let this anger touch anyone or anything else so I can already feel myself stalking the other half of myself that’s optimistic and happy all the time. I hear myself threatening it, scaring it, blaming it. Why does anger always want to destroy the things that are beautiful and naive? It’s so fucked up. I’m so fucked up. My mind has got to maintain control here and talk my emotional side down.

today has the potential for miracles. i could sure use some help with clarity right now.

sore knee is keeping me up. it’s been bothering me a lot the last week as i’ve been working on my vertical. i could high five the backboard when i was 15 before i tore the cartilage coming down from a rebound and got scared of jumping too high. wonder if i’ll ever slap that backboard again.

i love rie for many things, including taking this sweet picture of my brother and my mom.

I read once in an astrology analysis that I can come off aloof or unaffectionate because I’m actually shy and sensitive, and that’s how I protect myself until I get to know people to figure out if they’re trustworthy. But it said the problem is, while I’m being that way as protection, it also has the result of keeping away other shy and sensitive people who are the very people who would be able to understand my sensitivity and form rewarding relationships based on mutual understanding with me.

That’s kind of fucked up, isn’t it? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I also read a quote once that said, any decision you make out of fear, will be the wrong decision.

What about decisions made out of obligation?

Why is that the hardest thing for me? I guess I know why. I guess the question is, will I ever let myself be okay with refusing obligation when it’s not fair to me.

Maybe that’s why I’m so intense about my freedom and autonomy. It’s not about being afraid to be vulnerable. I think when people get closer to me and find the sensitive side, the more private side of me, they realize I basically wear my vulnerability on my sleeve, though it would be a mistake to misinterpret vulnerability as weakness. I’m like a little kid who’s willing to share everything and give my loved ones everything. And when others are vulnerable around me, truly vulnerable instead of using affected vulnerability as a way of manipulating compassion and obligation, I’m always very careful and gentle. For someone to be vulnerable around you is the highest gift, the ultimate in trust. There’s a reason why my brother trusts me more than anyone else in this world. Because I know he trusts me unconditionally, I do everything humanly possible, even if it means my complete sacrifice, to protect him, to not fail him or hurt him, and he knows that. One of my duties in life is to protect his innocence, protect his ability to love unconditionally, protect the way he sees the best and the most beautiful out of life and people, because for innocence to exist in this world of corruption and chaos, it’s like a rose garden in full bloom in the middle of a devastated, blackened war zone. You have to protect it, because if innocence in its purest, most exalted form no longer existed, then the world has been overtaken by darkness and we’ve lost hope.

People who can see me and understand me tend to get the most (and the best) from me, though I recognize, not everyone who I want to will really see me because I keep so much hidden, though it’s all hidden in plain sight. I’ll tell you everything you want to know. I rarely outright lie unless I don’t know you and it’s protective. But the more you are willing to show me that you are trustworthy, the more straightforward I’ll be. I think if we lived in an ideal world where there weren’t people out there who take advantage of others capable of high levels of compassion and selflessness, I wouldn’t be this way. The problem is that if people are unscrupulous enough, it’s easy to figure out that I’m defenseless against obligation. That if you make me feel responsible enough, it’s almost impossible for me to allow myself to consciously let someone down, even if I suspect they may just be manipulating me. But if I find enough proof that someone been manipulating me for sure, hell hath no fury…

The shadow side of the healer is the warrior.

I used to describe it as this. Imagine that you live in a house on a prairie. And since people don’t want random riftraft walking up to their front door, they usually build a fence around their property. Some people build their fences further out, so even if people come in, there’s a buffer between the fence and the house. Some people build their fences too close to their front door. Some people don’t build fences at all, but that’s how you get houseguests that eat all your food, sleep with your daughter and never leave, so you really are better off at least building a friendly, unassuming fence. My point is, after a childhood of getting bullied and taken advantage of, I finally wisened up and built a fence. But I kind of built it too close to my house, so I go around acting like it’s electrified and only telling people who look trustworthy where the gate is because I know, once they get past the fence and walk up to my front door, I don’t have the guts not to invite them in. And I’m so sick of bad people eating my food, sleeping with my daughter and refusing to leave. Cool people, no problem. Eat my food. Sleep with my daughter. Hang out and smoke weed. But the problem is really when bad people get in because sometimes my being polite makes it hard for me to ask people to leave.

I know I’m getting kind of bent out of shape about this whole thing, so I can’t stop talking about it. I think it’s because I’m frustrated but I don’t feel I’m articulating. I know I have a light and shadow side and I am quite capable of being less than noble, but I own all of it. But the one thing I never do, is force my will on people if it’s for my own benefit without their benefit as well. If I’m being an asshole or if I’m one way and people don’t like it, if people make it clear to me I’ll own it because it’s a part of me and a person has to own the entirity of themselves. And if it makes more sense and I can understand how, I’ll often change an aspect of me that is not contributing to my being the kind of person I want to be. But it scares me and frustrates me when people misunderstand me but decide that’s just what I am without really understanding or by just summing it up in a label. I hate labels. Labels destroy the essence that makes things alive.

This isn’t exactly the same thing, but it reminds me of when I started the first grade, I started later then everyone else so I was the new kid, and I was too shy to really talk to anyone and make friends. This older girl saw this cool watch I had on and wanted it, so she told the teacher I’d stolen it from her. So I got in trouble and the teacher took the watch away and gave it to her, and for the rest of the day, everyone called me a thief. I kind of knew they didn’t know me and they didn’t know better, but I had no way of changing their idea of me, no concrete proof or way of articulating reason, and I didn’t know what to do because the girl was wrong, the teacher was wrong, everyone was fucking wrong, but no one would listen to me. And the fact I couldn’t get it sorted out myself, that I needed my dad to come to school with the receipt for the watch to sort it out for me, that I couldn’t even fight my own battle because I couldn’t make people listen and understand…that just made me feel powerless. And it made me lose a lot of faith in people. I know it’s an old issue and I’m over it mentally, but I think sometimes when you have a bad experience that makes you feel powerless, emotionally, it’s all still there…the “what if” of it happening all over again. Thinking about that day still makes me feel that metallic whine of panic inside my chest even though the experience can’t touch me anymore. Maybe in a way, this issue is about power, but not in the way people think or in the normal sense of the word.

A person’s personal strength comes from their ability to feel strong, to feel expansive, to feel confident in themselves and their ability to exercise dominion over their path and their reality. Power for me means wholeness, completion, an integration of the complete self so that your highest potential of energy flows clearly and strongly throughout you. In this way, my own personal power is important to me because to feel it means that I feel confident and complete. I could care less about power over another person, over external elements as a way to exercise my ego. But if I lose my ability to articulate, if external forces have assigned an untruth to me, a label that diminishes me and my expression of myself holistically, then yes, I think it fractures me and makes me feel weak, as though I have no power over myself and my path.< br />
Ultimately, I strive to be a good person because I want people to have faith that good does exist. It doesn’t have to be in me, but in something, because I’ve known what it was like to lose faith, to have people disappoint me or be outright vicious, cruel or deceptive. To have people who have decided on the intention of destroying the security, hopes and dreams of others who perhaps naively in their eyes, still believe that life means possibilities and goodness, not negativity and dog-eat-dog darkness, maybe because somewhere along the way, some evil person took it away from them. To have people take things away from you just because they could, because in that moment, at that point in your life, you weren’t strong enough to stand up for yourself, that shouldn’t extinguish a person’s fire. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to lose their faith permanently, to lose their hope that there’s a positive force in life, that that force lives within so many things in this universe and so many people who try to do the right thing and protect the positive things in life that are worth fighting for, that in the end, truth prevails. Because I truly believe that life is worth living and there are positive forces out there that stand strong against the negative forces every day.

I think maybe all this spinning today is just bad feeling that will blow over tomorrow. I’m probably just having one of those days where I’m not feeling good, where it feels like my heart is slowly breaking.

On a different topic, I’m starting to think now.

Is the challenge to go or to not go?

To go would be the potential to bring something new into my life. A new experience, uncharted territory.

But is it really uncharted territory? Sometimes the names and places may change, but the lesson remains the same. I recognize certain things.

Is this the same pattern that has gotten me in trouble in the past and now, amidst my saturn return, I have the opportunity to show the universe that I learned my lesson that almost destroyed me years ago and can move on to a higher level without repeating this lesson? I will have really let myself down if I get into that situation again.

I heard myself say it today a few times and I think I was telling myself more than other people. I have a bad habit of getting into situations that are not great for me because I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. I have a tendency to be willing to make the first compromise, and while I know it has to do with my upbringing and having a sibling with a disability who had more needs than I did (and while I know all that therapy talk of blah blah blah don’t discredit my own needs, etc. and I’m just as worthy which believe me, I know), I just don’t like to let people down or disappoint them even if it means giving up something or not feeling comfortable. I’ve spent a lifetime compromising and I recognize, if you’re practiced at it, sometimes it’s easier for you and i don’t mind doing it as long as I’m not the only one doing it all the time. But there are certain things you can’t compromise. Watching Sportscenter when you really want to watch Ugly Betty is an okay compromise because sometimes he’s gonna have to watch the romantic comedy you wanna see when really he wants to watch the Bruckheimer film. But when you’re walking into a situation that you don’t feel comfortable with because you’re afraid to say, this situation doesn’t feel right to me…then the problem is not the other person or the situation. The problem is YOU.

All signs point to me riding the brakes. I’m exhibiting more and more negative symptoms of being unhappy and anxious which means something’s wrong. And what I’ve been learning is that it’s safe to trust my intuition. And he’s not helping me by pulling this insecure crap that makes me feel like I’m being emotionally manipulated. So then…

It’s your call, Julia. I think this is like last May, when you had to decide what you were willing to do to support yourself. Is it a way of not being influenced by the past? Or is it a way of not repeating the past?

The thing I want to talk about most, I can’t.

I’m sure some people are quite aware but it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t. Some things, you just can’t put on the table out of respect and that’s always something I try to be…respectful. And plus, there’s no point in things being awkward or people getting hurt. I guess I really mean me. My getting hurt because there is no other potential outcome. I really don’t like getting hurt because secretly, everything I present to people is a real part of me, whether I make it seem as such or not, and more gets to me than my pride lets me let on. And plus, I don’t want to be an asshole.

So I keep it to myself. And I try not to think about it. And I try to not let it get to me or influence my moods.

But if people only understood how hard having Venus in the 12th house was, they would understand a little more about me and about who I am instead of how I seem to be. I’ve always said astrology is a means of understanding elements, so I don’t know if it’s possible to break things or change things…I just notice when things seem to support those presented elements, though I’ll always be optimistic, because how else would life be worth going forward with if there was not hope? But it often seems that it’s hard for there to be a balance for me, to be able to have what I want, what I truly value, what feels good without there being some kind of catch. Or it seems I’ll be able to have something, but it can never be acknowledged for what it is, it can never be seen without conflicting some other structure, and it’s always on someone else’s terms. That’s why I think it’s so funny for people to think I need control…so often things are on another person’s terms but I’m willing to make the compromise because to find someone that means a lot to me and feels safe for me is rare. I just go with it and appreciate things for what they are. It’s kind of like always being hungry though, but I guess there are benefits of that. You’re more appreciative of what you get.

Is that true? Or what I tell myself because I always seem to have the consolation prize? It doesn’t matter though. Life is what it is. And you deal with it or you don’t.

The one thing that I feel people misunderstand though, until they really get to know me is that I’m not a difficult person and I don’t have a driving need for control , though I’m very protective of my autonomy until I’ve gotten to know a person well. I do understand I am hard to get close to until I trust a person, which I’m capable of. I think it’s more of a method to filter out people who should and shouldn’t be too close to me rather than a way of fucking with people or keeping ALL people out. For those who are trustworthy and that I establish good rapport with, it’s very easy for them to naturally disable or slip through these defenses and get close to me, and I’m real with them because if they find me, they’re the right people to have in my life and we add to each other’s lives rather than detract. For everyone else, I’m still real and nice to those who are good people, but they just won’t get to know me as intimately as others, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. It’s still an honest human relationship. I also think, at the end of the day, there are reasons why people don’t get close to each other even if they could. I think sometimes people connect on one level, but they still have to maintain social boundaries on another, so it is what it is…life. As we taught my brother so he could recognize people and how to interact appropriately, there are circles–you have inner circles, people you trust, your friends and family. You have an outer circle, your acquaintances, your coworkers, etc. People you are friendly but people you don’t hug and say I love you to (we actually had to do this to get my brother to understand this specifically!). And then there’s everyone else. And sometimes people move between circles, but basically, I think that’s how all humans are. You can’t have the entire world in your inner circle or standing outside of all the circles.

Whatever. Life is life. You deal with it or you don’t. You find people who you pass the time with, interact with, learn things from, and if you’re lucky, you meet random special people who you forge deep connections with based on true understanding and unconditional positive regard. These are people you can talk about anything with, and they will listen and take you seriously because they value you and all of you. Sometimes these connections last a life time and if so, you’re very, very lucky. Sometimes they’re fleeting, ephemeral. And if so, you’re still lucky because at least you had it. And that’s something you can’t take for granted.

I just have to remember, life isn’t always fair, but in the end, it’s fair.

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while.

I have at least two great mental connections with men who are in relationships. These connections are non-romantic, non-sexual, and we’ve never made advances towards each other in any way that is disrespectful of their relationships. The connection is mental and to some degree, spiritual. Talking with them feels like being on the verge of a great idea, the exchange of ideas kinetic and an entire universe seems to lay just beyond our grasp but attainable, if we share our thoughts and ideas. I feel stronger around them, more stable, more able to comprehend dimensions of understanding beyond that which I currently have. And so much more feels possible. Everything feels electric.

But the one thing I am and have always been is honorable. I have never presented myself in the realm of the romantic, nor allowed myself thoughts as such. In fact, I feel slightly uncomfortable being alone with both, self-conscious that any of the energy or my attention be construed as romantic or inappropriate. I am careful to tread carefully out of respect to them and their relationships, and out of self-preservation for myself. The mental connection is too important for me to jeopardize by any misunderstanding or perceived romantic advance. I am so committed to not crossing the line intentionally or accidentally, that I don’t even acknowledge that they are a man and I am a woman and they in any way could possibly find me attractive. Because like I said, I can’t risk it. And I don’t want to start anything in motion that can’t be undone.

But as I get older, as my male friends engage in serious relationships that lead towards marriage, I realize that these friends, these mental connections, they can’t continue forever.

For them to get too close to me could potentially present a conflict within their romantic partnership, possibly causing tension when it’s unnecessary. I think if I were cool and he was cool and she was cool, everything is fine and everyone is friends. But when the guy’s partner doesn’t understand the things we talk about or connect about, sometimes the woman can get threatened, even though there is absolutely no threat, at least from my motivations, of boundaries being disrespected.

I have a good friend who has been in a relationship for a long time and he’s getting married next year. I’m happy for him and always hoped he and his girlfriend would stay together, but I also know, that this may be the end of the type of connection we have. I think it’d been bothering me for a while, so I brought it up with my mom last weekend, as she knows all of us. She said the thing was that my friend and I are both very philosophical, creative types and we share a special connection there, something that he doesn’t share with his girlfriend even though he loves her very much. But that we know we have to be careful so that we can be completely respectful of his girlfriend. My mom also told me that for sure his girlfriend knows that my friend is “attracted” to me because of that mental connection even if we won’t let anything romantic ever happen even if there were any impulses, but that his girlfriend also puts a lot of trust in me for being honorable and not breaking her trust.

I understand all that and it made me a bit melancholy to hear it. Physically, I’ve never thought of him that way or wanted him in that way. But one of the things I really need in life is for someone who can answer my questions, because I have so many. And when I meet a fellow seeker who has seen things and understands things and thinks about things, I want to connect and exchange ideas, throw things around and perhaps combine ourselves to create new ideas. But that kind of connection sometimes conflicts with structures on a day to day reality, since at the end of the day, I am still a woman and the other person is still a man. So I know to be careful with the way you present yourself, the way you talk, the way you interact with them as a couple. You show his partner the upmost in respect and you never seem dominating or threatening. You call at appropriate hours, you respect their boundaries, and deep down, you forget that this friend is male even though all the tiptoeing just draws your attention to it, however annoying that is. I would rather not have to worry about it because I’ll never do anything anyway. Whatever happens in life happens and if people are meant to be together they’ll be together but no one can force anything and they shouldn’t. But if people I care about are happy, that’s all that matters. That and being able to talk to them.

I feel like if I were a man, it would be no problem and I could keep these friends that I have amazing mental connections in my life forever, and we would be able to leave the lines open. I know when I’m in a relationship, I feel guilty or am extremely careful when connecting with other men. But sometimes I wish life weren’t so complicated, that it would just be what it is. People connect with other people, whether male or female, old or young, conventional or bizarre. Most of these are mutually exclusive but enrich your life in different yet necessary ways, and as long as you are truthful about them, you can handle several rewarding ongoing connections in your life without challenging your loyalties to another. I think if an ideal were possible, I would hope for this one.

I guess in all that, I’m just trying to say, I miss you guys. I really, really miss you guys and our discussions. I know it’s life and life is about compromise and choosing a path and committing to it. To protecting your loyalties and not betraying the trust of those who have given you their trust and love. But sometimes I wish things were different, that there wasn’t an inner conflict, that people felt expansive enough to be able to have different connections in their lives and be able to put away the sexual/romantic feelings that interfere with a male/female connection when the connection has the potential to be rewarding in a totally different way.

I have so many questions, and I just wish someone could talk.