fyi
if you guys buy stuff online, talk to your credit card company about getting a virtual number. these numbers look like credit card numbers and are tied to the online merchant but aren’t the actual number on your card, so people picking up card numbers from online purchases can’t put fraudulent activity on it.
someone pulled my cc info last week and over the last few days, has charged over $7,000 worth of charges to africa, europe, south america. fuckers.
angry.
you can go ahead and think i’m an asshole or i’m abusive or i’m mean to people who are vulnerable, but until you understand what it’s like inside a particular dynamic, until you see what kinds of storms repressed issues stir up when a person opens another person’s inner world, you can’t really judge.
sometimes people use others to create situations they don’t want, acting out old patterns dictated by automatic programming from deepseated issues. sometimes those situations require someone who cares about their welfare to be the bad guy by not playing along, or by playing along with such exaggerated force that the detriment of these patterns becomes too obvious to ignore. sometimes you turn the situation back as a mirror so they can see they’re better and stronger people than these negative cycles, that they don’t need them…but as tough as you are with the healing process, you’re always careful not to hurt them in ways that are permanent, only enough to make them understand they can’t keep hurting themselves the way they do, a way for them to break free of the patterns to experience a freer, more fulfilling life. ultimately, you want them to be happy, even if you have to make them confront misery to do it.
you don’t think it hurts me when people i care about are hurting? you don’t think it makes me miserable? the night is darkest just before dawn. and sometimes, people just want someone trustworthy to go through it with them.
but then people on the outside still call you the bad guy when you never ever had a bad intention towards anyone who has ever asked for help.
fine. i’m a bad guy. i’m an asshole. i’m cruel to people and my intentions are wicked. you don’t like it? go fuck yourself. go have fun acting out your envy because i don’t pay enough attention to you. the people close to me know me and know what i’m about. everyone else who has an opinion without knowing me, have fun thinking you know the number of someone who doesn’t exist.
no rest for the wicked
gemini. when you are going around confessing your sins, finding them spilling out of you like a shot in the gut too massive and complicated to be contained with two bare hands, it means you’re bleeding.
when you make others bleed so you can have a mirror to see your own wounds, you need to understand that it hurts, but they do it for you because they love you.
whether or not you asked for this, if they’re giving this to you, then you better do the honorable thing which is to understand as much as you can from these reflections so you can start healing.
fell asleep watching amores perros on the couch and it was needed.
i dreamt i was a massive black dog filled with angst that tore up windows of reality like they were bloodied flaps of burlap. while the pages bled together, i broke out of prison and visited people. i visited a married man who couldn’t come out to play, but was surprised by the visit (i was a little embarrassed). i felt david but i firmly made it clear i wasn’t ready to visit him. i visited a factory in the sky, which was the most efficient thing ever made, and i hung out on the banks of its moat thinking in awe, i own this whole thing. then i was waiting for a ride, waiting for a phone call.
left my dreamworld for a dreamlike day. overall, the day was unpredictable and bizarre, though i interacted with more strangers than usual (mostly african american women who were very very nice, and i also went out of my way to be very polite). got a lot of stares from both women and men but i kept to myself.
later at night as i was cleaning the kitchen, i realized that something had unfolded in real life the way it had in my dream the night before.
we’d found ourselves in the middle of a parade or crowd and somehow in the confusion, we escaped to an egyptian museum whose feel and echoes and smells felt comfortably familiar. we were shy at first, talking but afraid to look at each other, until we saw the exhibit with the image of the queen. then suddenly, it was this moment of relief and recognition, as if it were her image that had brought us together, meaning everything was as it should be.
later, you showed me my new house. the walls were lavendar. that’s the color of one of the rooms in my place now, i said. i know, you said.
when i can feel the pulse of a man’s heartbeat somewhere behind the steadiness of his gaze, when i know exactly where to push to spill him into my world, i have to repeat quietly to myself, be good, julia. please, be good.
but is what happens really so bad?
i always give something to balance what gets left. i try to only cut in places that make a person stronger.
but it’s the taste of blood that always hooks me, that sweet cool current that allows me to breathe underwater.
so really.
my friend
has it been so bad for either of us?
realtor was asking me again today why i’m going to europe. i had mentioned it was for a business project yesterday. is it for just…work, he asked me.
hmmm.
yeah, just work, i said. then i distracted him with descriptions of the project, so that i didn’t have to reveal the real story.
half truth or half lie, it depends on how you look at it.
with me, it’s about secrets.
the guy on the right – his real name’s smiley. i shit you not. it’s on his birth certificate. who does that?
the secret to having any guy you want
is wanting the guys who want you.
you’d think it’s so simple, but it’s amazing how hard it is to see people from the lens of that understanding, both for men and women. it’s worth it though. it’s like having a switch flipped in your head.
I’m really having a standoff right now as an artist. I feel like if I write too honestly, people will start wanting to pin me down and I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of exposure. Have you ever felt like that? Or, have you ever worried about getting lost in the worlds you create?
Sometimes I want to go into the woods and think about this stuff, rent a cabin and think about all these questions until I can be at peace with the answers. The only thing that stops me from doing this is my fear of how potentially crazy I might sound to others when I decide to start talking. But I just can’t stop the need to find an answer.
I saw you again last night. I know what image you are. I’ve finally figured it out, by the warm, fuzzy, protected feeling I get when I see it. But I haven’t recognized you in a person yet. Not exactly. So many of these men really try, and they are beautiful in their own ways, but I always know somehow.
Opposites in such exact opposition as to be the same thing. But I’m learning now that perhaps it’s by always keeping ourselves apart that we are generating the most dynamic energy.
Some people are more aware of the changes than others, but I see so many positive changes.
I know we do what’s best. But I’ve always wondered what it would be like to meet you.
sometimes if you tell someone about something that makes you vulnerable–ie a fear, insecurity or something in the past that hurts you, if they use that information or recreate that situation against you, it means they’re manipulative and can’t be trusted.
sometimes i say things and remember them, so if a person comes back to use what i’d “revealed” to him against me or if he tries to lie, i know he can’t be trusted. once i told a guy that when people start yelling, i can get freaked out and can’t remembered what had been said for the argument to have gotten to an escalated place. my point was that i prefer that things be resolved calmly and in the spirit of people working towards a common goal. a few weeks later, he picked an argument with me and then claimed that he was right because i’d forgotten what we’d said that led to that argument, and lied with a line that i had supposedly said. unfortunately for him, i don’t forget dialogue and conversation flow even though i’d implied that i do, and knew he’d just lied during a moment of perceived weakness on my part to dominate me. he’d stepped on a wire that set off a trap, blowing his chances of my ability to trust him. he showed his true colors after i protected myself and guarded myself from him, and now i’m sure he’s off harassing other girls until they see the proof of his manipulative streak and his lies.
especially in this city which is dominated by an industry whose lifeblood is about being able to disguise oneself or be something that you’re not, it’s really important to be open to trusting good people, but not taking everyone at face value.
i don’t believe in consciously booby trapping the inner workings of close relationships because people trip and make mistakes on the way to building partnerships and getting to know people, and this is a necessary part of the process. but i do try to have ways in which i can figure out sooner rather than later if a person is dishonest, manipulative or has negative ulterior motives. it’s better to keep untrustworthy people outside of the gates, than kick them out once they’re inside them.
my pronouns have been a mess lately. i think i’m trying to include too many people into the conversation and it’s been messing with my psychic antennae.
so i met with the realtor today and the offer is getting sent over tomorrow.
they say the saddest thing is to not be prepared when opportunity knocks, or to lose it with hesitation. i can say that this time last week, i had no idea i would be attempting to pick up another property this week, but then, i know that’s not true. i’m always looking at listings, keeping my ear to the ground, but it’s really been about when the right property jumps at you, the way your eye catches and fixates on a stranger across the room. there’s a reason. i think people connect to objects and places the same way they connect to people–they’re all manifestations of the path. you remember them from your future. and when you stumble upon them, you act so that you never wonder, what if.
i like the realtor a lot. i tested him a bit the way i usually do with people so i can figure out who they are, and he struck me as smart, honest and having integrity, so i respect him. he’s young and married so i’m very aware of being respectful of things outside of a professional relationship, but i can’t help but laugh at how nervous and awkward we both get when we’re in an elevator alone together, not knowing where to put our eyes. i think it’s just one of those things about men and women. even if there aren’t intentions or desires, you’re always just aware that you’re a man (or woman), and the other person is a woman (or man). it’s just that primal tension. i think my reaction to that perceived tension with my guy friends is that i’m compelled to make sure they don’t really know where i come from about sex or how i see men/relationships. i hit both ends of the spectrum with effective results, from brian confiding to colin that he wonders if i’m a virgin to people really thinking i rack up multiple one night stands a week and am on the constant hunt to instigate public orgies. but i think whichever way i go is compulsive to the exact moment of conversation, and even though i say things so definitively and know they have definitive results, they’re not necessarily true reflections. these statements or outlooks deflect perception of my real position, and perhaps it’s like setting off flares to serve as decoys for heat-seeking missiles. if i say certain things and later, people reflect these ideas back to me to show me this is what they’ve accepted and believe, it means they don’t really know me. by having this confirmed, i then determine if it’s because of me keeping them at a distance, or because they just don’t really get me, in which case, i have to be careful around them. i’m sure there are better ways of feeling people out to see if they’re trustworthy of the inner chambers of your being, but for now, that’s my best system of evaluation.
in regards to men being friends with women, this is one of the greatest modern debates, having reached a fevered pitch with when harry met sally. i think there’s room for a lot of different types of relationships in life, different types of output, different types of compartmentalization, but at the end of the day, i just hate tension in any way, shape or form. being friends with people from the opposite sex can be a difficult balancing act at times, has to be constantly reevaluated at others, and at the end of the day, there are so many ways to complicate things, and so many ways not to complicate things. if you just chill out and let things be, it can actually be quite pure and pleasant. i’ve had guys tell me before that no guy is friends with a girl without having at least considered what it would be like to have sex with her, and i think no girl is friends with a guy unless having at least wondered if this person could be a suitable partner for her.
at the end of the day, i always defer to the context of reality. where are two people in terms of who they are, where their lives are and what they’ve built upon the foundations of their lives, and just be respectful of that. if there’s more, you deal with it and maybe you can’t be friends. if there’s not, then…to be honest, i think it’s of immense benefit for a person to have friends of both the same and opposite sex. if life is really about a person’s journey to balancing their insides, their anima and their animus, then it requires the reflection of both masculine and feminine energy in order to define, expand and balance these inner energies. therefore, it’s really hard to reach inner balance if you don’t have outer balance with representation of the different energy types. i think our primal side does complicate things, but if you acknowledge (at least within yourself) when sexual tension is there and do your best to get the most out of human connection despite that, i think things are so much easier to handle than if you ignore or deny things. just because you refuse to admit something, doesn’t make it go away if it exists. the only control we have in life is how we conduct ourselves and how we choose to deal with things.
when a person who’s strong at projecting is grieving, the universe heightens around them to let them know they’re part of something greater. the awareness of what i’m about to lose in the future is still a bit of a shock to me, but i’m trying to maintain focus and positivity, and prepare myself to deal with it with grace. without endings there are no beginnings.
brian talks to himself a lot. it’s weird because sometimes i think he’s doing it to get my attention, and sometimes i think he’s just in his own world and it’s a funny thing to be around. i’m sure he has all kinds of crazy stories about me, which is why i try not to piss him off too much.
we have a funny relationship. not married, not partners, not friend-siblings, but more like two particles who go really far out into the world to create new, private experiences, but happen to return to the same place because it’s where they keep their stuff. we’re so love/hate, and most of our tiffs come from petty jealousies.
it’s kind of our big test right now. can the twins come out of their cubbyhole. i never leave far from home, and he’s afraid to live alone, but i think it’s time we did this, kicked each other out of the nest, our comfort zone. he’s been freaking out a little about me leaving, and i really felt it was less out of concern for my romantic matters, but more about his being alone for a few months. but as terrified as i am, we’ve got to at least test it out. maybe we can live without each other. maybe i’m secretly terrified that when i get back, he’ll be gone.
today he found me sitting in my underwear on the balcony. the nights have been so nice lately, with a slight breeze. we watched the people in the building across the street and talked about how summer has an energy that feels communal and brings people together. i went back to my office and as i logged onto my computer, he slyly mentions that he was furious at colin for telling me to go to europe, acting out the phone call but minimizing his role in them in a more diplomatic light. i found that hilarious because colin had already told me exactly what brian had said. he wanted me to know that he told colin that he and hooch are going to have to take turns living with him to keep him company.
a part of me felt a twinge of jealousy. that kind of energy in this place will be one hell of a party. but i’ve gotta leave for it to happen. i told him he should definitely get them in the house. and that they should really set up a webcam.
the idea caught fire, probably because we were both standing around in our underwear, and he got excited about it.
i told him i would set up a webcam if he would set one up, so we could watch each other like we’re goldfish. we discussed the logistics of it, and i was continually surprised by his willingness…brian usually knows better than to get involved in one of my underwear schemes. i told him that as long as he promises he’ll set up his webcam and not turn it off if something juicy’s happening, i would figure out all the technical details. he agreed. i felt like it was my birthday.
i haven’t webcammed since the 90’s, when that whole frontier was a bizarre mosaic of personalities and worlds, yet so intricately beautiful. i learned about the dark side of the world young, through chatrooms and message boards and websites put shoddily together like junior high presentations. i interacted with the more depraved parts of human nature and witnessed the effect of instability in people’s lives. if my parents knew the types of people i was meeting and learning and doing things with, they would have thought i’d fallen into a river and gotten possessed by a demon. or looked at me as an alien child. but the thing was, the bad stuff never got inside me or touched me, but it was the fact i had an intense drive to experience everything, both positive and negative. because i was just experiencing things i should have been too young to experience, and it made me see the world in a different light than other people my age. i found that when people are in new places where they can’t help but reveal the truth of themselves, you’ll see things you never forget, things that are hard to believe. sometimes it’s inspirational, sometimes it’s haunting. i met faceless people whose energies were so dark and evil, i wondered if they were perhaps, not human. sometime around my senior year in high school, i started feeling like i was tempting fate, that if i kept playing with matches, i was gonna start a burning stake, so i detached myself from that world. i got closer to people in real life, became a larger role in their lives, and i started making connections and being consistent with them. i think about some of the dangerous things that i’d found online, and i always give thanks for how lucky i am that trouble never followed me back home. i kept a lot of secrets, and developed a lot of wisdom and somehow, i really want to find a way to honor the safe passage of that experience.
so this journey i’m about to embark on, it’s getting distinct reactions from people around me. i’ve been using the framework of story to separate a person’s message with their projections to help guide myself through this part. but once i get out of the bay…it’s going to be all me.
here’s something else i’ve learned is very important:
never allow trouble to know where you live, but always give the ones you love a way to run into you.