Echo

oh dear. do i wanna get back on THAT train again…

i remember i talked to a woman who was a therapist once who told me it’s usually the parent that people don’t talk about that is the problem. i always found that interesting, that she would sit in a session with people talking about how their parent did this, or they tormented them with that, but she’s quietly watching them, waiting for the right moment to unravel the real pain that is hidden with the figure in the shadows.

i can see that. we keep the most personal things closest to ourselves. most people will have no problem bitching about the weather, the traffic, their job. but when it comes to the pain that is closest to them, the stream suddenly dries up. they’re just words hanging in the air with no voice. some people even keep their happiest joys silent. maybe because of a fear that these joys can turn into great pain if they were somehow diminished or taken away from them once they’ve been spoken.

you can always hear a hint of what’s hidden in the shadow of a person’s words, in the shadow of their expressions. sometimes, what’s hidden is nothing. sometimes…it’s everything.

ghosts resurfacing. got a message from someone who was a real dick to me when we were kids. haven’t talked to him in over ten years. another yesterday from someone i haven’t spoken to in almost ten. i’ve long since forgiven him and let him go but it’s nice to complete that circle. both these contacts were completely out of the blue and very surprising. back to back, seems more than random. this time period has definitely been about letting go. there’s definitely something about this november full moon. magical. dark. but potentially transformational. don’t be afraid of it. accept what needs to be accepted, let go of what no longer serves you. like i said, this november, travel light, travel true. give future you a shot at the most you can be, the most you can have. set the table right.

be a leader, julia. you can do it.

some people, if you look into their eyes, you can see the haunting. but it’s them who haunt themselves, cast over by the shadow of whatever loss they perceive, unable to look away, just waiting for the rest of the world to realize they’re dead.

i am afraid of these people.

i can live with the shadow.

i can’t live with a ghost.

snoopy come home

one of my most vivid childhood memories, turns out to be one of my parents most vivid memories of me.

when i was three, i watched snoopy come home and it absolutely destroyed me. i was so sad about snoopy running away that i cried and cried, not like little kid crying but weeping inconsolably as my parents say. i couldn’t sleep. they stayed up with me, offered me my toys, food, anything, to try to get me to sleep but i couldn’t. i was in complete despair. i remember it being really late at night and my parents were exhausted, having to work the next day, but i wouldn’t go back to bed. i was playing listlessly with this red barn i had with doors that opened and closed as my parents sat next to me, asking me what was wrong but i didn’t have the words to explain it. i just kept saying snoopy ran away, which would bring a fresh wave of tears. but my heart was broken. i had never experienced anything like it. that sadness, at such an early age, felt like the end of the world–a pain that could potentially never end, losing someone i would never see again.

i’ve always thought that these 5 year old kids who can play musical instruments like the reincarnation of masters are proof of past lives. that they brought that knowledge in from another lifetime. i wonder if i lost someone in a past life and that’s been my driving current. maybe i let someone down. maybe i didn’t fulfill a promise. maybe i feel like i can’t rest until i bring this person i lost home, even though i don’t know if i can right this wrong in this lifetime, in this world, or even if it matters. but it’s so persistent. as persistent and powerful as time.

today i watched the last episode of last season’s grey’s anatomy. people know how i feel about tr knight, and everything that happened with that set. i also thought giving him the storyline of cheating on his wife with his best friend was contrived and not consistent with the moral fiber of his character. i feel the creator of the show really let him down, both within the world of her creation, and professionally. i do think he grew a lot as an actor on that show, playing george o’malley, and that character became so rich and powerful. it points to a simultaneous development of the actor. he had so much soul. he stood for something powerful and good. he was a great model of integrity to have in a medium that reaches such a wide mass. but there have been issues on that set and understandably, tr decided to opt out of his contract and left the show at the end of last season. i have so much respect for him as a person for doing it. but the sad thing was that meant the end of the character.

the whole season he’d been mostly in the background with no storylines, which had been irritating. i watch the show for his character’s development. but in the end, he decides to join the army to become a doctor in iraq, but before he goes, he gets hit by a bus after saving a woman. he’s so mangled no one in the er recognizes him, until he’s able to write 007, his nickname, in meredith’s palm (sounds kind of contrived when i’m paraphrasing, i know, but it’s actually well done). i really appreciate how they let the character depart with dignity–it was consistent with his character. so much heart. but i’m really sad. it’s just like snoopy come home. i’m heartbroken. i can’t sleep because i’m really sad that this beautiful character will no longer evolve and shine in the world, showing such a remarkable example of a beautiful, noble human being.

maybe you have to be a writer to understand how painful the end of a beautiful character is. or maybe you just have to be someone who’s touched by any example of a person with strong integrity of character.

i hope tr does amazing things in this world. i have a feeling, whether publically or privately, he strives to be his best and affects those around him. he has a high level of personal integrity. he’s one of the people i believe in. i always say of all the “celebrities” i’ve met, he’s far and away my favorite. but it goes beyond that. of all the “people” i’ve met, he’s someone i really care about and respect. i have a feeling the meeting would have had the same impact on me even if we had met randomly, as two ordinary strangers knowing nothing of each other. i would have actually preferred that. i would have liked to have talked more about life.

he’s one of the good ones. and so was his character, george. they did an amazing job together. broke my heart, but i give him the deepest respect.

You said I laid down easy
Trusted what you said
Lead you right into me
Knew that I was ready
Begin at the beginning
Before you broke my heart
I can’t believe we finished
Something that we didn’t start

-bent

I joined a women’s basketball league that starts tomorrow. In the intro packet, was this tip:

No one likes their team the first or second week. Keep with it! Don’t quit!

*sigh*

Why can’t girls just get along.

I’m about to give up my LA home. It’s the only place that’s ever felt like home to me. That’s probably why I feel a little stranded tonight.

I came here to bring you home.

I don’t know what this means, now.

the moon seemed so far away tonight.