what happened in amsterdam
this is probably the darkest but most personal thing i’ve ever written. it’s the one post i read and reread the most, because i’m still trying to understand my feelings about all that happened and why, and it’s hard for me to understand it because outside of the close friends who got me through it, i don’t talk about it. but i have no idea how it reads to people who don’t know what happened.
but then, today i reread this post. god, that scene in closer where he’s asking her for all the details so it would kill the idealistic part of him that loved her…it’s tragic that as i was writing all that, i had no idea i would live out that scene in my own life a few weeks later. and as painful as it is to read all that knowing shortly what i would be walking into, to read all the guilt i felt about my rejection of david when in hindsight with more facts, i can see why i was acting that way, i have to own it because it’s a very detailed snapshot of where i was at the time.
it wasn’t the fact that david had slept with a prostitute that destroyed me (i think i would have been freaked out, only in terms of what that meant for his current character, but if it was more a past experience and nothing that pointed to other sketchy things, i would have accepted it). it was the fact that from the very beginning since we met, he’d gone out of his way to convince me he’s this innocent, boy next door guy who’s the nicest guy in the world. and while my intuition kept telling me that something was off, his story was too clean, and any questions i asked about him received answers that were vague and carefully measured, i overrode it, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. that’s one thing that drives me crazy about myself–i either don’t trust anyone, or after i decide i trust them, i trust them almost blindly. i have to learn a middle ground.
the problem was the fact he lied about it. several times. it started with offering up himelf that he wasn’t into that kind of thing when we first met. months later, when we were walking through the red light district, the way he talked about it set of sirens in my head. oh, 99% of guys don’t even go in, he said. they just come down here with their friends for the buzz, to show off.
have you ever gone in?, I asked.
he got angry. why would you ask me that?
sirens in my head. lots of them. i didn’t respond. i was listening.
you’ve met my family. i’m just a small town boy from a small island. i’m a nice guy, haha. you KNOW me.
hearing his words made me realize, i don’t know this person at all.
everything inside me was screaming bullshit. blood was roaring in my ears. i didn’t say anything for the rest of the night. and you know what he did? he got more excited about being there. he just kept taking me through the alleyways, pointing out the girls, laughing, asking me if i wanted more, even though i had not said a word for the last hour. maybe a part of me wanted to see how far he would take it. in hindsight, from what i’ve learned of his character, he felt i deserved it. this is what i got for asking questions. it would become quite the theme.
the next day, i left. i had my own apartment and went there. he tried to get a hold of me all day, but i didn’t respond. all i knew…was what i didn’t know. i knew what i was being sold. i had no idea who this person was who was selling it to me. finally, he came over, figuring where i was. i asked him pointblank, and he denied it, but feeling caught, admitted it. i was so angry he had lied to me. i was so angry he tried to avoid being honest by telling me that he was a small town island boy and that i’d met his family (great people) like that’s all i needed to determine his character when he was using it to cover a lie, which basically bastardized the entire PERSON i had believed him to be. and then he told me it was my fault that he had to lie to me. i blew up. took my phone and left, running, so far, i ended up in a part of town i didn’t even recognize. called rie. thank god for rie.
the problem with me, is that i try to be open-minded but sometimes it gives me large blindspots. i try really hard not to be judgmental. and through this relationship, i learned that there’s a line–between being non-judgmental, and being blind to the truth. so of course, i came back, asked him a lot of questions and told him i could live with it since he’d been tested (something i’d first asked him to do before i moved to amsterdam) and it was a one time thing a long time ago (as he claimed).
but that’s the problem, once the trust between two people has been broken. as freud said, “i’m not mad that you lied to me. i’m mad that from now on, i can’t believe you.” that time after a betrayal, is a fragile time. but any questions i asked, he would clam up. so i would listen even more carefully to the way he answered things, and more red flags surfaced. i remember one night, for no reason, i turned to him and asked him if he had ever lied to my face about something. i don’t know why i asked that…we’d had a particularly harmonious evening. i was immediately irritated with myself, wondering why i would sabotage the evening, then he freaked out…in the exact way a liar does. he didn’t answer the question but instead said he couldn’t think of anything off the top of his head, but if i was so determined to drum up shit, he could make up something if that would make me happy. and immediately i knew the answer.
YES.
more lies surfaced. more and more lies surfaced. one this week, two the next…that was how it went. they were mostly related to his past, but just the fact that he was hiding so much stuff was what was the most disturbing.
i’m of the school of thought that everything that happened to a person in their life made them who they are today, so if you love who this person is today, then you accept the good with the bad in how they got here. but this is based on an assumption that the person you love is actually a person you know. i’ve gone through some bright times, and i’ve gone through some painful times, but i recognize that i wouldn’t have the wisdom and heart i have today if i hadn’t met some demons along the way. but it has strengthened my character, and anyone who judges me for my past will never appreciate who i am anyway. but this wasn’t about his past. he was lying about his past, but the lies were happening in the present. and even worse, every lie i caught, he would blame me for why he lied. or he would just curl up in a corner and go silent. which was ridiculous. he couldn’t even take responsibility for his own actions and character. and trying to believe in him, to believe in innocence and that perseverance of the human spirit was killing me–emotionally, spiritually and almost literally.
you can’t fight quicksand. you can’t fight an impossible truth. you are one hand clapping into a fist.
i left to save myself, and that has been the best thing i could have ever done. i honestly think, in hindsight, that relationship needed to happen because i needed to 1. realize i’m not a ghost by meeting a real ghost (that’s the strangest thing…he’s erased his past); 2. show myself that i can trust myself to take care of myself, first and foremost; and 3. i’m not a martyr. no relationship should be destructive. any signs pointing that way these days, i don’t even step into the puddle, or i’
m out as soon as my intuition picks up signs. there’s a difference between destructive and human-relationships-take-work. know the difference.
i hung in there for months because i didn’t want to abandon someone who had been abandoned by several key figures of his childhood. but then i realized, was i really willing to give up my life just to bear active witness to someone destroying his own?
so this is the first time i’ve openly written about it. i’ve talked around it, but i want to get it out, let it go. i’m not going to punish myself because i want a spiritual union and i believe it can exist. i’m not going to take it out on myself if people take advantage of that–it’s wrong of them, and that’s the truth. i’m not going to carry this shit that doesn’t belong to me. what i did wrong is between me and myself–my intuition, from the first day, was that this wasn’t it…but i overrode that. i wanted to “see” where the path would lead and it led to a very painful lesson, but probably one i needed. this was the strongest example to date of how i need to trust my intuition and beware of red flags. it also put me a major step towards staying away from things that hurt me, and recognizing things that are good for me.
i know i’ve got a masochistic streak in me that comes from longstanding guilt revolving around my brother, and also what my parents passed down to me from their own issues. but i’m working really hard to recognize it and not let it run my life, not let it put me into bad situations, or around bad people. what happened happened, and i learned. the greatest tragedy would be if i didn’t learn anything (which would mean i’m doomed to repeat the lesson), or even worse, if i had stayed. it would have destroyed me.
sometimes the darkness is the light. every light has a shadow, every person has a shadow, and if they hide it, suppress it, it takes over. you acknowledge it, you hold it up to the light, you don’t be afraid of it, and it has no power. the best it does is contrast things, inform things, and help you find the light by recognizing it against darkness. i learned, watching david, that what you hide destroys anything good that comes into your life. that if you feel the need to hide something, if you feel shame or any negative emotions, it means it has power over you…it has some control over your life. everything about you, you have to own for you to have a shot at your highest potential–even if it’s shit you wish never happened, stuff that’s a part of you, stuff that’s a part of your history. it’s all a part of you. and the people who are good for you, the people who are the right people to have in your life anyway, are those people who will accept you for everything that’s you, and everything that’s not.
it all works out in the end as long as you’re getting the lessons out of every life experience. today, you are the wonderful person you are because of the bitter and the sweet that got you here.