Echo

2009 retrospective

a transformational year–bigger, faster, stronger, wiser. the year i started glowing. celibacy and being devoutly single. personal power. the most magnetic year yet. stretching out my wings. getting serious. getting strong. bringing it up to the light then leaving the past behind. reaching out and touching people. my will becomes my way. training like a professional athlete. mornings in santa monica training with tyson chandler and kevin love. urth cafe and honey vanilla lattes. sunsets and strangers at the other room. abbott kinney and venice beach. medical marijuana. the brownie shaman giving out positive experiences. ballin’ like a fiend. not good for a girl, but a good ball player. coach mike. ignoring the siren call and six packs of big, black bruthas. living in orlando. the aftermath of a break-up, like detoxing from a hard addiction. nightly dream invasions and finally…silence…the peace of a bond broken. sarah, jef, truth and killer, drumming in rock band. writing and gyming. girl bonding. 3rd party marriage therapy. please don’t set me up on a date. dinner with adonal foyle who kept talking about sex. health scare with dad and an emergency plane ride home. father-daughter bonding. strawberries and dvds every night. childhood home packed in boxes and torn apart. dead mice and insects inside the walls carted off in the hundreds. finally, a home cleansed. 2 escapes to seattle for solitude. was good both trips. easy summertime in the city. sunsets, strangers, healing and magic. the missed connections guy. louca. the 47 year-old who wouldn’t leave me alone. reconnecting with josh–7 Grand, a group of 1940’s re-enactors, a couple of brownies and the awkward fear of looking each other too deeply in the eyes…a beautiful night, complications averted and the depths of a lifetime friendship take root. small birthday at home, opening up the back balcony–as cindy said, “most peaceful place in la.” jason won’t go home, staying until the sun rises but too passive to make a move. brian passed out in a little ball on the couch. good birthday. daisy’s bachelorette. i prove i can get along with other girls and they can fall in love with me. some really, really want to kiss me. reggie bush, corey maggette and the kardashians at pure. who the fuck are the kardashians. red dress and dancing. a display of power over big, black men, who follow me through crowds because i told them to. i could have ’em if i wanted ’em, but in 2009, the year i realized i only want what’s mine. this is a truth that holds power. stupid rob from santa barbara trying to cheat on his girlfriend. called out. the power of full moons…june, july, then august and ever after. the cruise to alaska. the beauty of meeting christian. time. magic. the dash. a newfound fountain of poetry and synchronicity bubbling up from a deep well through the surface of a cracked earth. the meanings of hello’s and goodbyes. bonding with edison and jonathan. seattle opens up a portion of map now suddenly available. magic magic magic. 09-09-09 and i’m there. a wonderful journey with michael. amber and jason–a symbol of positive partnership. seattle in the light, seattle in the gray, seattle laying naked and bare in a deep blue night mindscape. music everywhere. the triple door–giant aquarium, green dragon, my fish friend. the men of seattle like moths to a flame…can’t stay away from me but don’t know what to make of me. lots of truth and connections. lots of truth in connections. but i won’t give out my number because i’m committed to only wanting what’s mine. the birth of elixr. running along the water. a different sunset every night. watching the boats come in. a surprise visitor. a journey of words without meaning. a journey of meaning without words. a silence that reaches out and touches itself at the other end of the ocean. next level achieved. solitude and a plunge into fall. red, gold, orange littering the sidewalks with gray skies and rain, singing, i’m kickin’ through the autumn leaves and wondering where it is you might be going to. a torrential rainstorm, a problematic lavender dress and a beautiful wedding. basketball with steve and a near dislocated jaw. joining a women’s team and regressing back to high school. my first screenwriting contest in years. a determination to succeed. halloween in my pajamas. bonding with ching-wen. she’s the closest thing i have to a sister by blood. sweet sebastian. bad shoulder needs surgery. i put it off. thanksgiving turkey. rie, eric and seigo move to berkeley and closer than ever now. a realization that i want to be in san francisco soon. josh’s fiance is uber-threatened by me, but i am determined to be above it and make it work–his friendship means too much. pretending to not notice the digs and being nice, and one day, she lays down the sword and makes a genuine effort to bridge. joining his lunchtime basketball game. meeting shane. my need to hunt overwhelming now. eyeing him like a big cat eyeing a gazelle, while simultaneously being eyed by a prowling panther with dragon tattoos. no good, no good. it’s the jungle now. warriors games and mikki moore. a new t-shirt slogan. december comes on like a sleet storm, thundering train. the end of team bj, the formidable duo of brian and julia. the end of an era. giving up los angeles. a sad, sad goodbye to bring on a sooner hello. december ends politely with a neatly-made bed and a thank you note.

2009–a big year.
the dream of a butterfly that could possibly be real.
transformational, meditative, a patient year with glimpses of magic

i am thankful for 2009, the people, places and experiences that taught me, tested me, nurtured me, enriched me and brought me closer to myself and where i’m going. an 11 year ending with a full moon on a 9 day. beautiful and poetic. i’m sad to see it go, and i look forward to the new challenges and experiences of 2010.

and to the familiar faces within strangers i am soon to meet, i look forward to those days when we meet again.

happy new year, everyone. have a blessed 2010.

Just got back from Reno, on vacation with my family. Everyone got along beautifully and we had a great time. It was snowing and there were lots of people swimming in the outdoor pool, which was steaming from cold air contrasting with the heated water. I wish I’d brought my swimming suit. Won $450 playing $10 blackjack with my mom. Had a 5-minute snowball fight with mom and brother on the way home. Dad was in a good mood. Nothing else to report. Reno is Reno. Oh, mom got pulled over on a suspected DUI. She was just lost. A nice little brush with what Reno’s best known for, Reno911.

only a fool doesn’t change.

haha, my mom just came up to me and said, “I think your dad has been a better person because of what you gave him on Christmas eve. How many days can it last?” I told her it can last a lifetime if you gained wisdom and perspective, and believe in them. He just needed to learn how to relax without escaping, to back out of the corner that no one put him in but himself, to be present within a moment enough to see the world from a more positive, open perspective. His brother asked me for the tea and later said he went to play badminton and won two games. He was so excited. “I never win!” he said, “And I won twice in a row!” I gave it to him again on Christmas eve and checked on him later, asking him how he felt. He gave me this smile that lit up the room and said, “Happy!” My cousin said he was super nice the day he tried the tea, even taking the time to teach a kid how to shoot a basketball. I told him it often brings out the best in people, because you see the world in such an interconnected way, and you really want to be good and do good. You can’t look at it like the herb changes you, but that the herb allows you to recognize yourself, and bring out the best (truest) form of yourself. It’s not the herb, it’s you.

For me, it’s not about medicating people for short-term effects. I won’t give it to people to numb themselves (except people who have cancer to help with pain). I don’t agree with using this as a drug for escapism. This is about empowerment, not crutches. It’s about showing them a different perspective, seeing themselves as more holistic and powerful, seeing how they can reach their potential. It’s not about a short-term chemical effect. It’s about creating space to recognize yourself and your potential, to go after openings that will help you be the person you’ve always wanted to be, go after the life you’ve wanted. Stop using so much energy to fight or feed fear and anxiety…open up yourself to efficiently use your efforts towards positive changes and attainment.

My mom said to me the other day that when they legalize it across the boards, she sees me as becoming some kind of healer and spiritual leader. I smiled inside. That’s exactly one of my long-term goals.

yin and yang. everyone is both feminine and masculine, both dominant and submissive. it’s in the balance of true opposition, the real symbols, bringing them within complementation that springs forth power. if you are conscious of the whole of your being, all that is light and darkness, all that is within and without, you have the potential to tap into all that you are.

well, it’s done. my mom and i flew down to LA Christmas morning, packed up my place, and now my life is stuffed in a 10×15 ft. storage box. it was pretty unbelievable that the two of us packed up everything in a day and a half, and when the movers came and took everything away, it was sad to see it so empty. that place is the only place i’ve ever considered home. but it’s better this way. i’ve gotta do what i have to do so the sooner i get to where i’m going, the sooner i can come back. plus, renting it out will mean i can pay off the mortgage sooner. i would like it to be fully paid in 7 years.

i also think it’s necessary to have done this because when i get married, if we decide to live there, we can make it our place, instead of it being mine. we’ll have a fresh canvas to work with. i look forward to getting married, and telling my future husband who already thinks he’s won the lottery by landing me (because why marry someone unless you each think you’re the luckiest people in the world for having found each other?)…

“Oh, by the way, I have a penthouse in the heart of LA we can live in if we want.”

haha, that will be awesome. that place is the best place on earth. the energy is just unbelievable. even the movers were commenting how amazing it is.

well, end of an era. but without endings, there are no beginnings. so the sooner i leave on my journey, the sooner i can get back.

love you, ph400. see you soon, old friend.

this mercury retrograde is starting out gnarly.

first, we arranged with the movers to come at 8:30am on the 26th, so my mom and i booked last minute tickets to fly to la on christmas morning and start packing. she wanted to get everything done so we could make a late afternoon flight home and catch the warriors game that night. so i booked the tickets and the car rental online, but somehow, i got the dates wrong and booked the return on the 27th instead of the 26th. human error…totally my fault.

so my brother had to call the airline and change the tickets and at first they said all flights were full for the 26th, but he got us on a flight. when we got to la, turns out that i did the same with the car. since i went through hotwire, they said the extra day was non-refundable.

but i asked to speak to a supervisor, and i explained that i understood that this was their policy and i totally knew it was my fault for mixing up the dates, but it was christmas and this was my first time using hotwire. that especially in a bad economy, it’s easier to retain a customer than gain new ones, and i would really like to have a positive experience with hotwire. i told her that if she charged us, it was cool, but asked if there was anything she could do, any other options. she ended up refunding us for that extra day, which was incredibly nice of her.

we got to my place and we only had a limited number of boxes that we brought down last time, so we filled them up and went to bed early to prepare for the big day.

the arrangement with the movers was that it was all-inclusive, so they were supposed to bring boxes and supplies and help us with everything. but when 9am rolled around and they still hadn’t shown up, we called them and they said they were on another job and would show up around 1pm. we called their boss and she said not only did they not have supplies on the truck, but that they were stuck in a city 3 hours out of la and would make it when they could. we freaked out because we had a 4pm flight. she said just to buy the supplies and she would reimburse us. so we went out and got everything and started packing up.

the movers didn’t show up until 3pm. we didn’t get everything out until 8pm. i had to run out and get food, and a lot of places nearby were closed, so i went to this really good lebanese restaurant around the corner. they’d just expanded so the guy taking take-out orders was new. first, he helped this woman behind me first, which was irritating because i was in a hurry. then he lost my order, so it took 40 minutes (i asked him to check on it and he said, “i told you already it would be at least a 15 minute wait.” i told him that people who came in after me already had their order and he just says, “oh really? i’ll check on it as soon as i’m done putting in this order.” he was such a douche.) then when i finally got the order, it was wrong. i almost felt like he was messing with me because he could. so when i got back, the movers were just sitting there waiting, and they took their food and left.

michael had told us that the last flight out was 9:30, so we called the airline on our way to the airport. we were told that the remaining flights had been cancelled. while my mom was calling airlines, i called the rental company to see how much it would cost to change the return location and just drive it up to san jose. it’s a 5-6 hour drive. it was $155, but i told my mom (who had to make it back for a wedding the next day), the unused tickets would be credited, so we would actually be saving money by driving. so we decided to drive. which was ironic, because i’d sweet-talked hotwire into cancelling that last day, but we ended up using it anyway.

the movers forgot to take this antique chinese lantern with all 4 seasons depicted on glass panels that has been hanging in my office for good luck since i moved in, so i was psyched that i would be able to take it home. but it hangs from the ceiling, and while trying to get it off the hook, two of the glass panels fell out and shattered. i was really sad, but my mom said that sometimes broken glass is exchanged for safety from major catastrophe. the chinese always say that…sometimes minor losses (like losing money, etc) prevent you from having something really bad happen (like a car accident), so it’s like paying off the universe. so we left la by car around 8:30, figuring we would get home around 2am.

the drive was good bonding time with my mom. she and i are like sisters, so because we’re so close, we have an intense, close relationship, but it’s overall a wonderful relationship. we’re very lucky to have each other. i’ve always told her she should write a business book for (minority) women, because she naturally approaches everything like a war general. that if she read sun tzu’s art of war and saw how similar their thinking is, i could help her write a business book based on her personal philosophy and it would be really successful. you just send free copies to asian-american business associations around the us to create buzz, and also have it translated to chinese for distribution in chinese- speaking countries. she’s kind of low key though, so she always says, maybe. i wish she would do it. i would love collaborating with her. i’ve always wanted to write some kind of self-help, empowerment book, and especially something to do with art of war, because when i read art of war and machiavelli’s prince, i felt like i knew all this stuff already from living under the wisdom and outlook of my mother.

she fell asleep around 1am, and we were about 100 miles away from fremont. it was raining and i started getting really tired. i’m a very responsible driver but it was a struggle. i was especially dejected when i thought we were closer to home than we were, and i realized we were still somewhat far out. so i must have gone faster than i realized because i just wanted to go home, when i looked and saw flashing red lights behind me. i usually get a bolt of adrenaline when i get pulled over…i had a really, really bad experience with a racist police officer once…but i was so tired, i didn’t even react, just woke up my mom and told her i was being pulled over.

the police officers were really nice, saying that they clocked me at 90 in a 70, which is possible because i’d been bouncing between 75 and 85. we told them that we’d missed our flight and were just trying to get home, and they were actually really nice about it, but they still gave me a ticket. i haven’t had one in a while though, so i can just do online traffic school, and it won’t go on my record.

afterwards, my mom kept saying how courteous and handsome those two officers were…they were smiling and chatting with us, and overall really pleasant. she asked me if i would ever consider dating a police officer and i told her, never. if i knew a guy is a police officer, i probably wouldn’t even want to really get close to him, afraid i would have feelings. i already get stressed when i know a loved one is taking a plane somewhere. i wouldn’t be able to deal with wondering, every night that my boyfriend or husband is working, whether or not he’ll come home. if he’s safe. nothing against police officers, but i want someone who works a low life-risk occupation. i want to spend a long time with the one i love.

we finally got home around 2:30am, exhausted. my dad had waited up for us and had hot soup waiting. he was in a particularly sweet mood. i think it’s because of the weed i gave him on christmas eve that helped him open up his thinking about things. the family got split up on christmas eve because i was going to cook and everyone on both sides of the family was looking forward to it, but my dad didn’t want my mom inviting her family over to the house so forbade the party. he wanted to go out to dinner. but my aunt said she would host, so i ended up cooking at her house and my mom’s side of the family came over, and my dad took his side of the family out. it really sucked, and made
me sad as well as my relatives on my dad’s side who were looking forward to my cooking, but as everyone said, “what can you do?” a lot of people know about the rivalry between my dad and my mom’s brother. but i think my dad was upset about it, feeling kind of betrayed. he barely talked to me most of last week, and he and i (and he and my mom) had a few bitter exchanges. but when i got home from my aunt’s party, my cousins and uncles on my dad’s side were there, and they were asking about this special tea i made with my tincture, so i gave it to them, while my dad wanted to try smoking it. he said he’d tried it 30 years ago while in the military and nothing happened. it was a good experience…i’m a very good guide, making sure positive energy flows, and overall, it was a beautiful night. lots of happiness, lots of love. i think whatever happened, my dad’s attitude has been much calmer and happier since that night. i hope he gained some perspective on life and the bigger picture. i wrote about it, but i saved it in drafts so maybe i’ll post it later.

overall, the whole expedition had lots of kinks that i attribute to mercury retrograde, but what’s most important is we got home safely, and everyone is happy. this is only the beginning though, as the retrograde officially started yesterday and ends on the 16th (giving it an extra week if you’re a gemini or virgo). so everyone, be aware. back up that data, double-check all paperwork and plans, watch out for miscommunications, beware of delays and try not to sign contracts.

outside of that, happy holidays.

last night’s menu:

bacon-wrapped dates stuffed with herb chevre and almonds
crab cakes with roasted red pepper & garlic aoili
spinach-artichoke dip
caprese salad with champagne dressing

prime rib with au jus
pesto mashed potatoes
broiled asparagus
corn sauteed in butter & thyme
4-cheese mushroom mac & cheese with truffle oil

strawberry cheesecake

i am some things to some people
everything to no one

you’ll find more the farther you look.

merry christmas, everyone.

as if i could will a pair of wings to grow.

surgery is scheduled for jan 29th in los angeles.

my epitaph should read:

a little nuts, but not crazy.

what is a writer,
but a liar hiding in plain sight?
baring everything, in search of wings
to bring herself into the light

i was very unfocused today. but must learn to want something, and using will, make it approach.

you have to. you have to. you must tell yourself this. make yourself try.

another achievement…speed. i might not be able to outrun a guy outright, but if he’s dribbling the ball and sprinting, i can keep up with most of them or overtake them (except the 20 year-old black kid who plays competitively). josh and i ran a little track race today. we were neck to neck but he got me with the angle. i’m amazed that in my 30’s, i appear to be running faster.

strong body, strong mind.

i notice i’m a very physical player. the first guy who guarded me was a really big, muscular guy. the first play of the game i drove in and scored against him. then he started getting really rough with me. i told him he’s fouling me every play and his response was, “you’re really strong and hard to defend against.” on one of the plays, i spun around to go baseline and he closelined me hard in the throat. a few plays later, i broke away into the wing and he tripped me.

i don’t think he was playing dirty. i just think he was trying to contain me because he didn’t want his teammates giving him a hard time and he was doing what he needed to do. but the thing is, i don’t want to play too physically either, because it’s a recreational game. but i just like physical contact when i play. i like the freedom of running and matching speeds, and the physical aspects of the game as much as the strategy and skill aspects. i’m not a dirty player though. if i knock into you i’ll usually apologize or grab you quickly so you don’t fall. but i do have my tactics and today, people really caught on to them. i have to take that as flattery though. they’re playing against me and challenging me like a good player, not a good female player.

this guy freddie was assigned to guard me after the first team lost. he’s this soft guy who likes to shoot on the outside. please don’t post me up, he said. i laughed. i can’t dunk on anyone to demoralize them, but using my ass to back them down does the same job. either way, once it’s been done, it’s like i’ve had my way with you. secretly, most of those guys usually like it.

living with someone’s greedy illness. makes them hungrier and hungrier. it doesn’t matter how much they love you. that need is stronger, and they’ll hurt you if they have to.

these people are like swinging vines, swinging me from one place to another so i never have to land. i better start creating some things of substance with it, otherwise, i’ll be someone who’s up in the air because she can’t land.