Echo

living with someone’s greedy illness. makes them hungrier and hungrier. it doesn’t matter how much they love you. that need is stronger, and they’ll hurt you if they have to.

these people are like swinging vines, swinging me from one place to another so i never have to land. i better start creating some things of substance with it, otherwise, i’ll be someone who’s up in the air because she can’t land.

for however long, you just have to believe it’s real.

i’m probably just feeling lonelier than usual because i’m at my parents house so i’m not in my own domain, it’s the holidays, and all these people who are interested in me that i’m meeting are interesting, but they just don’t feel like anything i feel strongly about as being what i’m meant to be pursuing. like distractions, you know? i feel like i could chase them, but really, i should know better. so that just makes me more restless and aware that i’m still waiting.

i’m so aware that i’m either incredibly faithful to some unknown that i haven’t seen but completely believe, or incredibly stupid for wasting my life away. only time will tell.

the guy who likes me is this massive, muscle-bound el-salvadorian guy (i’d thought he was cuban) with dragons tattoed on his arms who i’m always overhearing on the sidelines talking about how tough and strong i am with this gleam in his eye. the whole gym knows he’s a fan of mine. i sense he suspects i’m a monster in bed. he told me today that he likes me because i’m beautiful, strong, funny, play sports and like to cook, but the fact that i can come out and play with guys and not be intimidated is amazing. he asked me what kind of guy i like.

i looked over at the guy i’ve been trying to work up the nerve to ask if he’s single, and i know this guy who epitomizes raw physical masculinity will laugh at me if i tell him, “that guy” because he imagines that a girl like me will want a virile tank of man, an emblem of male sexuality. like him. the guy i like is pretty average–a software guy, but i love how much heart he has, how he doesn’t give up on plays. he’s gotta be in his mid-30’s, somewhere between skinny and wiry, low-key, intelligent eyes, warm smile. just an average, nice guy. not someone who walks into a crowd and commands attention, but that’s my type–i don’t care for trophies. i don’t like flair; i like substance, like quiet evenings where it’s about safety, comfort and compatibility rather than public flaunting.

i like guys who are smart, nice and stable. because i’m not consistent, i need someone who is. someone able to verbally bounce with me and enjoy it. accountants or engineers or worker bees by day, partners and family guys by night. privately romantic, creative, amazing, like me. guys with easy laughs who adore me, and i in turn adore them because i can feel comfortable around them. someone who supports my imagination’s adventures without actually expecting me to leave home and climb mountains (i don’t do that). i have a strong masculine side but i need a guy who’s comfortable with his feminine side to let me back down and be feminine, just like i will let him step up and be masculine. i don’t need a man’s man who thinks of me as something wild to be conquered and owned, because there’s a side of me that’s docile, sweet and maternal, and i need someone who can appreciate and honor that side as well. i need someone sweet and warm to be by my side and share secret jokes and pleasures with. someone who will be my home when i come home.

i made up my mind last night that i was going to ask this guy if he’s married after wanting to know for weeks now. but i showed up today and just didn’t have the guts to ask. this other guy asked me if i was married though. i know he’s interested, because he’s attentive and always talking to the other guys about me. a part of me thinks, if a guy is really interested and up for the challenge, he’ll approach me, the way this guy has. a woman should never have to chase or fight for that opening. you should be open but you shouldn’t have to help a man approach you. because men don’t appreciate things unless they earn them in the first place, so it’s important to let a man be a man, if he is indeed a man. it’s the only way to tell, it’s the only way to get what you want. you go out of your way to make it easy for a guy at the beginning, you will be helping him, and holding his hand and accommodating his fragile ego for the rest of the relationship, if it ever goes anywhere. so i have to keep reminding myself that if that guy hasn’t approached, he probably isn’t interested or available. so then the best i can do, is steer my insides away from him even if they get fixated on him whenever i see him.

there are billions of men in this world. i can’t act like there’s only one who’s ever going to love me. especially when he’s made no advances.

i was weak in the past. my mom wasn’t all wrong. but i’ve gotten a lot stronger, more stable. i make my life less about making excuses now and more about getting craftier and more resolute in looking for openings.

buckle down. here comes mercury in retrograde. watch what the tide bring in since this one’s crossing years. the past becomes present. voices and people from the past. memories. the present becomes fragmented. careful with your electronics and communications. take what you can learn and whatever you’re asked to look at, see if there areas you can build a better foundation. be strong moving forward into 2010.

my heart was a rock i sunk long ago in an ocean, but kept attached with a rope to my wrist.

first give me a reason to pull it up. then help me figure out how. if we can set it free, it’s yours.

by way of vertical horizon

california.

it is everything you want
it is everything you need
it is everything inside of you that
you wish you could be.
it is all the right things at exactly the right time
but it means nothing to you and you don’t know why.

i am everything you want
i am everything you need
i am everything inside of you that
you wish you could be.
i say all the right things at exactly the right time
but i mean nothing to you and you don’t know why.

lots of staring from both men and women. so it’s not just seattle, it’s definitely something about me that’s new. it’s not just normal looking, but they’re looking in a way that seems like they’re completely not aware of themselves. sometimes they’re walking by and they actually swerve or angle towards me. and the particular thing about it is how much i don’t think they’re aware, which would help me understand why it’s happening.

then i got two fake recognitions today. i walked into a restaurant to pick up a salad while michael and my mom were getting christmas lights next door. a woman got up from her table and rushed over, then stopped and apologized, saying she thought i was someone else. i told her even if i’m not her friend, we can say hi to each other anyway. then the owner asked if i was mr. ni’s wife. i said, no, but my uncle’s last name is ni. after some back and forth, we realized she thought i was my uncle’s wife. i’m flattered because my aunt is a very beautiful woman, but we have a 25 year age difference. but most interesting of all, was to be mistaken for someone i actually knew.

only 2 other minor anomalies.

1. friday night, my brother invited his 27 year-old trainer to the warriors game with us. he’s worked at the gym that raised me since he was a teenager, so i’ve seen him around for a long time, though i don’t know him at all. just that he was very kind once when michael got mad at me for increasing his treadmill speed and threw a tantrum. he’d taken over training michael after andrew (the 22 year-old who had the crush on me last year) left for berkeley. i’d never had a conversation with him, thinking he was one of the stuck-up types that work there (like my lust-hate relationship with the sales guy), so one day when he came up and had a 15 minute conversation with me about michael, i was really weirded out and kept shifting around nervously. since then, i’ve accepted that i’d judged him without knowing him, and he’s a nice person. so he met up at our house and we all rode together. at the game, usually i sit in the other section with my dad, but he was mad at me, so my mom sat with him and i sat with michael and his trainer. he and i ended up talking the whole game. he’s a serious guy, but since i know nothing about him, we had plenty to talk about. i learned he’s finishing his certification as an emt and wants to become a firefighter. that he has two half-sisters and is the oldest. that his dad lives with his youngest sister in reno, and he lives with his stepfather. he spent months in ireland, finding work in a bar for cash under the table, then in belgium doing the same. he ran track in oregon, then went to northridge on an athletic scholarship. we went to the same high school and know some of the same people, the same teachers. he’s a libra. and we’ve co-existed for a long time.

he went home after the game, and i had wanted to go to the cowboy bar with my mom and michael, but it didn’t feel right so we just stayed home and watched dvd’s. later, my mom asked me why i don’t date someone younger than me. it made me wonder if the night had been a set-up, either on his part, her part, or neither, consciously. i can’t think about things like that though. the secret is that i’m too scared to acknowledge his potential interest to take him seriously. my first contact and humiliation with a boy was with someone who wore the same uniform as him, in this city. i realized a ghost i’m being given the opportunity to put away.

so today, i went to the toy store to pick up presents for edison and jonathan (robots that require assembly, of course. they will be trained as i was trained). i was checking out with a gift certificate, but for some reason, their computer kept crashing and they couldn’t process it. so i’d already been waiting for 20 minutes and was just watching the mayhem of the store against the rainstorm outside, when i saw the trainer walk by. in his uniform. i called his name and he came over. he was buying a present for his niece, a spiderman toy. he said he wants to reinforce the tomgirl in her. i laughed and said that i loved spiderman as a kid. my very first halloween costume was spiderman.

i started getting nervous and shy talking to him, but he kept the conversation going. he was asking if we’d ended up going to the cowboy bar, and about nightlife around the area. he told me that michael had told him i was still in bed when they saw each other the morning after the game, so he thought i’d stayed out. i don’t really know what we were talking about. i was mostly trying to act normal and not give up that i was very uncomfortable. much of my stress also involved whether i’m expected to shake his hand, give him a gym slap, or give him a hug at the end of this conversation. we do kind of a gym slap hand shake, and his hand is hot and damp. mine is cool. most of my blood had been in my head, trying to keep myself from ejecting from the situation.

2. was going to message andrew so he was on my mind, and lo and behold, i run into him tonight. it’s been half a year. he was excited to see me, and i hugged his lower back/abdomen, which is my favorite part of him to hug (his favorite to show off). you should have seen how quickly he ushered me away when his girlfriend showed up. haha! someone was feeling guilty.