Echo

i played out of my head at the gym today. like i was going pro. shoulder felt 100%. even showed off my dribbling by bringing the ball up the court, between the legs and behind-the-back crossovers to evade defenders. so weird. i knew i was going to be ridiculous when i missed every single shot warming up. strange, strange, strange. triumphant. a breakout.

when my parents used to fight when i was a kid, i would always want to lock my bedroom door, but was afraid to because i wasn’t allowed to. so i would just not be able to sleep, waiting for the sound of their voices to end. sometimes i would think about those stories where husbands have had it with their families so they murder them in their sleep. that used to keep me up a lot, too. now grown up, i know my dad wouldn’t have the guts to do anything like that. but it still makes me think, about the nature of fear. when you’re a kid, you don’t know the difference. only when you don’t feel safe.

like eric bana in a red shirt and cowboy hat
who played the husband in the time traveler’s wife
i wondered what it would be like if i fell for a cowboy
he’d been leaning in the corner watching me without watching me
and in that moment, did a little spin with a hat tip that was meant for me
but still without the courage to meet my eyes.

he was dancing for me
i liked that he could be in sync with the whole or
in a rhythm of his own
but i pretended not to notice
mostly out of not knowing what to do
with a beautiful man in unexpected form
thick black hair and neat beard
proclaiming a polite wildness inside him
that he might let you touch if you’re patient enough.
a cowboy.
behold, the unexpected,
i’m being wooed by a cowboy.

he came over and leaned on the rail next to me,
so close i could watch his irises dance with the music
almost feel the heat from the sweat that made his
earlobe glisten
i pretended to watch the band as he
reached into his left front pocket
first taking out his driver’s license
then miscellaneous cards and change
putting them in his pants pocket
like removing armor in preparation for
laying his heart bare
he took off his hat and ran his hand through his hair
stealing a glance back to catch me watching
but still, i pretended to only be here for the band
feeling the band
unaware

we stayed like that for 3 songs
three feet from each other
electricity raising the hair on our arms
but not saying a word.

i can already hear my friends screaming at me for ignoring him

finally, as the band started in on “friends in low places,”
he politely said goodnight to the group on the other side of me
and left without a single look back.

i shivered, feeling a piece of me peel away,
some space inside me he was
occupying without my awareness suddenly empty
like having a tooth pulled
i immediately missed the beauty that had so presently
been so near me
immediately wondered if i would ever see him again
thinking that if he had said hi
i would have been touching the dreams of a cowboy tonight
wrapping him in the safe coccoon of my world where
all secrets fall away under the still blue eye of the moon

i didn’t worry about it though.
beauty comes and beauty goes
the only eternal beauty is the one that matches mine
i think with all the worlds we will conquer
when i meet the one who could really be my partner
the least he’ll be courageous enough to do is say hello

there is no reason why my brother should be on 9 medications.

but first, earlier tonight.

my mom wanted to introduce my dad to the mentalist, but he didn’t want to watch it. even though she’d already sat through a movie he wanted to watch. so i yelled from the other room, “i vote for the mentalist. two to one, majority rules.”

i come into the room a few minutes later and see my dad flipping through the movie channels. i look at my mom. “your dad didn’t want to watch it.”

i look at him. “you can watch one episode. and if you don’t like it, we’ll watch something else.”

“no,” he said, flipping through the channels.

i take the dvd out, open up the player and pop it in.

“don’t you dare,” he said.

i close the dvd player, and search for the remote to change the input on the tv.

“i said i didn’t want to,” my dad said.

“too bad,” i said. “this is where you learn about compromise in order to get along with people.”

i say it lightheartedly, almost jokingly, but it’s tough love. a part of me is beating icy branches of fear through my veins because i worry he might hit me, even though i’m pretty sure he’s too afraid of me walking out of his life for good to do that anymore. it hasn’t happened since i went off to college.

he gets up, throws down the remote. “you guys show me no respect,” and stormed out.

“we tried to share something we enjoy with you and you weren’t interested. your own loss,” i said.

later, i talk to my mom about my brother. she said that he’s on a new medication that makes him hyper. i tell her that i don’t think michael’s sleeping. i’m up pretty late at night and i hear him tossing and turning until all hours. he’s probably been cranky lately because there’s something disrupting his sleep cycles, and it’s tilting his moods. it’s the medication.

she showed me the list of meds to see if i recognized any uppers. i had gone in to see his doctor once for myself, and he’d offered me adderol (speed). i’m always telling my parents that he’s a drug dealer, and there’s something wrong with how they keep adding drugs to my brother’s cocktail.

i just can’t believe the list. this poor kid.

i told my mom what she needs to do is hire someone to research these meds. find out treatments and compare them. find expert opinion who can evaluate my brother’s meds and design a plan to take them off of them so we can see who he is, baseline. got in an argument with my mom, being negative about every suggestion i made, about why we would need a lawyer if we weren’t going to sue his doctor (because lawyers are experts at research. and even if they couldn’t take this on, they would know people or companies who do, because their business is built on research). but still, she was so negative, saying she didn’t have time to do all this, and asked me to do it. i told her that i’m tired of her manipulating me to do the things she didn’t want to do.

she told me that i should want to be helpful.

“so i should be helpful and always do the things you don’t want to do.”

“yes.”

“because you don’t want to do them.”

“what’s the problem?”

“i am not your secretary. you get to work with me or not at all.”

i just got tired of hearing excuses. i could do the research, but i want to see her dedicate herself to him for once, really see him and figure out how we can help him. she loves him and she’s always there in body, but he’s resorting to manipulating her with fear to get her attention.

he needs her right now and she’s trying to negotiate this.

i was disappointed, but just left the room on a sarcastic note. you can’t get mad at people. you just have to be adamant that they can be bigger people than they’re currently being.

*****
update: dad is throwing a tantrum. walked out of his room and back in, slammed door. minutes later, walked out of his room, then back in, slamming door. repeated one more time. sounds of minor banging. one loud, “FUUUUUUUCK.” then silence.

childish.

we, of course, are ignoring him. i’m blogging and my mom has finally seen the light and is researching my brother’s medications.

“it’s like a storm,” i had told her in regards to the members of our family’s tantrums. “you can get irritated with getting wet from the rain, but you can’t get mad at a storm while it’s happening. you just have to accept that it’s storming right now, and find ways to go about your life until it passes and you can come out again.”

i just act like it has nothing to do with me. and when they’re ready to have me back in their lives again, all they have to do is talk to me nicely.