What It Do!
Are you guys following the epidemic sweeping the world…the Salmon Dance?
Chemical Brothers Video (song featuring Fatlip):
and then they had a dance contest for the Salmon Dance:
and then existentially, the song seems to explain it’s own phenomenon:
I seemed resistant to it at first, but then I realized I kinda liked that one. He reverses his image to play the other guy and made me feel like I really understood the characters…
mythology. vampires. the more i read about religion and the way different groups used power and propaganda to squash people who were truly spiritual, i wonder if the types 0f people symbolized by vampires started as a group that had a greater connection to the universe and understood things.
because i know i don’t go anywhere unless i was invited. for these demons, it sounds like an awfully polite thing to do.
i read recently that the concept of the devil wasn’t even a notion when the majority of major beliefs took hold.
i believe that there are people who fell off into space so they’re no longer really a part of the collective anymore. and they don’t like people who are still a part of it. but i think overall, people are born good. they just have to believe in it to make it a reality.
Juniper, don’t be afraid of what you don’t understand:
http://asia.cnet.com/crave/2008/06/06/a-robot-that-heals-itself/
These are two of the funniest guys I know. One is Batman and the other has a heart of gold.
I’m pretty sure he says “the Hispanic guy from the Oriface.”
trust.
how can you ever completely trust anyone when no person completely knows another, especially considering a person’s own inner universe is so expansive that they can never even completely know themselves outside of an overwhelming hunch?
trust is really faith.
but how to know which people really deserve faith?
or is faith the necessity because there’s really no alternative…
do you take a person’s word for it, their life story and its sum, even though you know that their word is not necessarily a reflection of their personal truth?
i don’t believe in saints on earth. just flawed human beings doing their best to make sense of their worlds, some who try harder than others to set good examples.
i’m thankful for rie.
my mom used to always comment that in life, to even have one close friend whom you could tell anything to and trust with anything, is a great blessing. she’s always believed that rie is this for me, and i’ve always been grateful for having her in my life.
i got off the plane and decided to call her. she’d been in japan and i couldn’t remember exactly when she’d be back, but she was home, so i drove the couple of hours to lodi to spend time with her and eric.
it’s good to be around people who are familiar, and to be able to say things that you otherwise wouldn’t say. and as i heard myself say things, a great sadness came over me.
i don’t like to cry in front of people outside of watching movies, but in my own private space, i try to never repress emotion. i think it’s healthy to let them flow through you, since they are as much a part of you as everything else. and so the 2am drive home featured some intense emotions and thoughts.
there are so many things that people can say, “that’s just life.” but at the end of the day, you have to try to make your life your life. and if i know what i want, a life dedicated to discovering and uncovering knowledge, then i think that while my life may not be conventional, i can’t give up that passion even if others try to pin their own expectations or hopes and dreams onto me.
my rule of anything in my life has always been…does something bring me more clarity, or more complication?
The taxi is coming to get me in less than an hour. I’m so relieved to be going home. I won’t completely relax until I’m in my house, in my bed. And then outside of the handful of people I’m willing to talk to right now…blissful meditative solitude.
I want to let you know that I really could use someone to talk to right now. I feel like there’s something that’s in my head that’s really gotten loud, but there’s no one I can talk to about it. I’m not letting it affect me in that the thoughts and emotions come and go and I let it flow through me like water in a creek, while I’m the surrounding mountain that remains steadfast and peaceful, but I wonder if I would gain more clarity if I had someone outside of myself to bounce this off of so it’s not completely self-contained.
It’s a tricky subject though, and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it to even my closest friends. I need someone objective, non-judgmental and with no ulterior motive. It almost makes me want to see a therapist just to talk about this specific thing, but I’ve always found therapists to be either not effective or having their own egos or motives speaking too loudly in a session. The last time I even tried, it was that guy who was trying to present himself as some sort of mystical guru, and then when I pulled things out of his head, he wanted me to tell him about him. I opened his head to prove that he wasn’t being truthful and it wasn’t fooling me, and then he turned it into a psychic session for him which just really proved he was wildly unprofessional. He didn’t have the guts to bill me, because if he had, I would have been very honest about who and what he is.
Not all therapists are true healers or sages, which is sad because a lot of people put their vulnerability and trust in their hands. Certain abilities are blessings, and with power come responsibilities. You don’t abuse a blessing no matter how intoxicating the temptation is.
I guess it’ll work itself out. I’ll either find someone I can talk to, or I’ll figure it out. Or the situation will work itself out. I just keep taking the steps I need to take as they become clear, and hope for the best, but I definitely would be really grateful if you did decide to send me someone to talk to.
I think I was kind of a jackass growing up, in that I didn’t “get it.” I was super naive to the eggshell dance that is the law of social graces, this fearful way of living that creates a list of how people behave and present themselves towards one another, so everyone is in agreement of what can be expected of each other.
I didn’t understand exactly how to fit in, that it was polite to coast under the radar of society and appear “normal,” or how to be appropriate and acceptable, certain to offend no one. My mom told me yesterday that when I younger, I used to win at everything, and it would embarrass her because it would upset the other kids and piss their parents off which to her chagrin, I didn’t seem to notice. So she would yell at me and tell me to let other kids win, sometimes not letting me participate unless we’d agreed upon what I was going to do and at what level. I vaguely remember an Easter egg hunt when I was 5 when I was proud for getting the most candy because I was quick and I was fast, but my mom was mad and made me give it all away except for one piece. I didnt understand why at the time, only that I must have broken some kind of rule but no one ever explained the rule. I think on top of immigrant issues or whatever, my mom just didn’t want to piss other parents off. It’s such an Asian thing, to be ashamed of being too good. That was probably one of my earliest lessons in the human ego, how you have to be careful of it as offending an ego in the wrong way creates resentment at best and throughout history, has started wars at worst. I view ego is one of humanities greatest (and most dangerous) challenges, and am personally, always trying to be careful if something within me is motivated by ego. Confidence is good. Ego is the need for domination out of insecurity or a feeling of lack.
I think the most honest life is one that emanates somewhere within the internal balance of positive intentions, an awareness of the collective which you are a part of and interconnected with, and a commitment to live a life based on the expression of the unique truth of who you are.
I think that when you find that your life and interactions are actually the results of “reactions,” either reacting to what someone has done or said or what you perceive, of feelings of insecurity or negativity, or of an ego desire or injury, there’s an underlying sense of imbalance and anxiety.
The strongest and calmest position in life I’ve found is to reach a place of true inner integrity and balance, with a trust in yourself that from this position, you will be able to positively handle the challenges that come to you externally.
As I hang in the balance between all that has collectively brought me to where I am, and the new era which lays before me, I want to share two pieces of knowledge that I came into this world with which I have known deep throughout the core of my being, knowledge that has been with me since even my earliest conscious memories. I think the two are left brain/right brain, logical/intuitive expressions of the same concept, a definition of the universe.
1. What is infinity small is the same as what as infinitely large. Micro or macro, whichever way we choose to search, we will eventually find the same thing. Everything is circular and what is in exact absolute opposition resides in the same place. There is a place where everything that exists expands so completely, that it all exists in one tiny dot of being.
2. My first visual memory is of a faucet. From this faucet comes one tiny, perfect drop of water which is so small, yet as I look into it, it inverts and it encompasses everything, including the faucet, me and everything in the universe beyond, yet without ceasing to be a single drop of water. I used to see this image before I fell asleep as a kid, and it would drive me crazy because it didn’t make logical sense that this drop of water was both a small object in the world, yet it was itself, everything around it and also the entire world..everything. It would twist my brian, but intuitively, I knew what I was seeing was true and explained everything. I tried to explain this vision once to a classmate when I was 9, and she gave me such a look of disdain and called me “weird” with such disgust and venom, that I never told anyone about it again. I knew it was important knowledge, that it was real. But I didn’t know why no one else seemed to know it, too.
And then recently, I read a quote from the Indian poet, Kabir:
All know that the drop merges into to the ocean, but few know that the ocean merges into the drop.
That just confirmed it for me, that in an ancient time, someone who had knowledge had also understood the same thing that I’ve spent my adult life trying to find a million languages to communicate so people will understand themselves. It’s the truth. I think deep down, no matter how we visualize it or express it or even how we come to it, we know it because it’s where we come from and what we are.
We can be as bad as we want, or as good as we want. It doesn’t change the fact that we’re still connected.
I just explained to David what the term “blue balls” means while sitting next to some monks at Starbuck’s.
Okay, so I’m going home early, taking a flight on Wed instead of Sunday. I can feel it in every part of me…the physical stiffness and awkwardness in my body, the whine of anxiety in my chest, the confusion and irritation in my mind, the tension nightmares. This is not where I’m supposed to be right now.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate an opportunity to travel and that I’m not grateful for my opportunities. It’s just that this isn’t the right time for this trip, and I’m really here as a favor to my family but truthfully, this is not where I’m supposed to be right now. I should be in my home base, resting and preparing. All I’m doing is eating and sleeping through the days and nights, trying to stay centered and generate the energy needed to communicate with who and what I’m supposed to be communicating but it’s difficult because I’m not where I’m supposed to be so it’s like trying to do your work remotely on a faulty wifi connection. Everything around me and inside of me is screaming that I’m out of sync and need to get back. So I called the airline figuring if it’s too much trouble, I would stay, but in a 5 minute phone call and without having to pay extra, I was able to change my ticket. I knew it was the right decision when relief instantly washed over me. And now I’m just biding my time until Wednesday.
Taiwan is a great place otherwise, though I just feel completely out of sync right now. It’s like watching a movie and all of a sudden, the main characters disappear and all it is is thousands and thousands of extras and you realize, something’s not right…what happened to the movie?
I’m falling asleep at random times, but it’s not so much sleep in terms of resting or escaping, but almost deep trance-like states. I’m dreaming almost immediately, even though a part of me is aware of what’s going on around me…I can hear the conversations of people in the room, I can hear TV’s, I’m aware of what’s going on. Yet, I’m also in this dream world.
In these “dreams,” I’m exploring places and looking for people. I’m waking them up and telling them, it’s almost time. I see people who are sad or are filled with doubt, and I am touching them gently on the shoulder and telling them to stand up. Sometimes, I show them projections…they’re almost intellectual projections that show them religion through time, how man’s strive for spirituality has been manipulated and distorted through organized religion by handfuls of unscrupulous men who were desperate for power, when God belongs to each and every one of us because God is everywhere and God is everything and God is every one of us. There is no seperation between what is God, or the Universe, or whatever name you want to call him/her/It/That, and the energy that surrounds us and animates us. God is love. Positive energy. The transcendental lifeforce that with our lives and our good intentions, we honor, and with malicious intent, we destroy. People have wasted thousands of years and thousands of lives fighting over what to name this force, but it’s the most ridiculous of disagreements that only sidetracks our collective focus. Everything that a person seeks, we already have access to if we let go of fear or doubt and rise up to accept it and us. These projections that I show people in my dreams are images, almost like mirages, yet within them are all these ideas that don’t need to be spoken, so that it’s almost a whole conversation conjured up in a vision. And in the dreams, people understand. Because we are all connected, and deep down, Truth is something we all know. It’s time we let go of the lie that destiny is in the hands of others or at the whim of uncontrollable forces, and realize that with acceptance of who and what we are, come unity and strength and an ability to recognize truth and love and a person’s righteous path, and in accepting our connection to each other and the greater entity to which we all belong, we’ll find that really, so much of this struggle of life is really an illusion and beyond that, are the things that really matter.
For me, there is no greater power than love, and for me, there is no separation between God and love and the energy that is the lifeforce of every being, and that’s what I’m always trying to explain so that people understand. It’s knowledge they have within themselves; there’s nothing extraordinary about me. We all come from the same place so we all have the potential for awareness. I do realistically know that not all human beings are sapient or aware, and this can make them dangerous, which is why those who are enlightened have a certain responsibility. We are only as strong as our most ignorant point of consciousness.
I don’t claim to connect closely with everyone outside of a fundamental respect for people and an understanding that we are part of the same collective being, but for those who are closer to me, those in my “group soul,” or in my psychic phone tree so to speak, I think we’re getting to the point where it’s very important that we start waking each other up, especially those of us who are powerful reality projectors, because there’s something happening, and it’s important for people to remember who we are and what we’re really about, and sort themselves out so that they are powerfully projecting life energies filled with positivity, love and strength.
I really feel it’s important right now, and we could really make some wide-reaching positive changes if we can stand up and work together now. There is a door opening.