i fucking hate this. i suspect i’m depressed but i can never tell.

and now on top of my glut of unlabeled inner happenings, i’m worrying that i’m being stalked.

i got a creepy message on friday that i dismissed, but when i went to check messages last night, i accidentally played it and a thought suddenly hit me…is that a woman screaming in pain in the background? the content of the message itself is already very creepy and strange (i could transcribe it but you really have to hear it), but then with what sounds like screaming in the background it just makes it creepier. i played the message a couple of times for brian. is this guy threatening me while raping/torturing some woman in the background? he agreed it’s creepy but wouldn’t say that it wasn’t screaming. he thought maybe it was a tv in the background. another thought occurred to me. is he watching some violent film where some woman’s getting tortured and that spawned thoughts of me? brian told me to see if my carrier can pull the message and keep it on file but unless he starts showing up, there’s nothing i can do at this point. i listen to it again. he makes a reference to wendy’s. maybe he’s just at wendy’s and he thought of me and those are kids in the background. then i realize how creepy it is that i’m listening to a creepy message and trying to decipher if his background noise is life-threatening.

hmmm.

maybe this is another sign that it’s time i leave town. if the next stage involves my left brain capacities being disabled to allow right brain channeling (left-brain organizational constructs of time and dates are starting to melt), i have to make sure i can keep my physical body safe while my mind is doing its thing. i can’t tell if i’m creating these experiences or attracting these experiences. but i’ve gotta be ready for them.

June 30th, 2008 | Comments Off on

I’m still going through all the pictures from my birthday. It’s taken a while as much out of the sheer quantity of photographic evidence, as me being scared of what I’ll find. I’m still getting positive reviews from people mostly along the lines of, “Oh my God, I was sooooooooo drunk that night” and of the stiffness of the drinks that David had tried to report to me in the middle of the night when he grabbed me by the shoulders and with the horrified panic of a man telling me that they were drugging us and shoving us one by one into the pizza oven, he declared that the bartender was pouring an irresponsible amount of alcohol into the drinks and I had to be very, very careful as he attempted not to shake me in hysterics. Perhaps he knew it was in his best interest to cut me off, as the reports of who I did and did not make out with are also still coming in.

And then there’s this:

Goodbye 20’s. I’ll miss the inappropriate behavior.
June 30th, 2008 | Comments Off on

spent the night everywhere tonight. even engaged in a ninja assault.

men can’t defend against a woman trained in the secrets of the ninja. it’s just fact.

on a different topic: it is my nature to be a puzzle. an entity can only be as true as its nature. do you really want me to pull it together and be something that doesn’t represent me?

why i’ve been quiet lately.

when something is not in accord in my world, i disappear into my cave to make things very quiet, so i can discern the voices i should be listening to and the paths i should be taking. when i am gone, it is easier to see which are those who are consciously seeking me out, as those are the ones who may be significant.

does that make sense?

June 30th, 2008 | Comments Off on