i’m so irritable today. had a doctors appointment and even called to confirm it on monday morning. she said it was at 3:45pm on the 25th. that’s wednesday?, i’d asked her. yes, she said. so wednesday the 25th at 3:45, i said. you got it, she said.
so why did i show up today to be told that my appointment is tomorrow? i just took a deep breath and took this to be another test.
this mercury retrograde was a bitch.
rie is back in town. she’s my voice of sanity. explained to her that i seem to be suffering from a bout of crazy bitch syndrome. my strain is where i guilt myself into oblivion for being a raging asshole, but guys seem to feel it makes them better people and it actually compels them to want to take things to the next level. i think most of it is in my head. i have issues and a feeling of disconnect with my inner and outer world. my internal feelings don’t seem to match up with their external affect.
i don’t know what i’m so upset about. maybe the lack of work, the lack of writing or the lack of physical equilibrium (suffering from a sinus infection because i tempted my dependency on health products by stopping my daily dose of green powder for a month). just…antsy.
i was in starbuck’s reading when this really old toothless guy wearing a frayed but neatly worn suit , dark, leathery skin and body curved with age, shuffled up to me. he definitely didn’t look homeless, but he moved slowly and carefully, his eyes like murky wells. he stood in front of me for a while before i finally couldn’t ignore him anymore and acknowledged him. what’s your name, he asked me. i repeated it a few times, whispering, but it was hard for him to catch. i didn’t want other people who were listening to catch my name and try starting a conversation later. julie, he asked. this is close enough so i said yes. you’re a lovely girl, he said then hesitated before adding, i can tell. you’re very special.
he never smiled the whole time, just looked at me tentatively, like he half expected me to recognize him. he paused and looked unsure of himself. i could feel great need emanating from him, an amorphic loneliness like a tide pool not necessarily devoid of life. he hesitated a bit and finally asked me, slowly and painstakingly, if i would accompany him to see a movie at the theater up the street.
and you know what? i said no. i politely lied and said i had to study but i said no. it was then that i realized he must have pondered the invitation with more than a casual thought. he kind of leaned back, and got that look in his eyes that men get when they’ve opened themselves up to vulnerability but instead of acceptance, they get a rejection that stabs them in their softest core…the look that surprises you with the level of hurt you’ve created, because you never thought you could hurt a man in that way, surprising you so much that you want to put your arms around him and take back everything that has ever hurt him.
it didn’t make me feel like a good person. he sadly thanked me for this meeting and my time and shuffled off. i could feel the guy at the next table staring at me, but i didn’t want to say anything to him. i just felt bad. the guy seemed genuinely lonely. but for me, especially in la, anyone could have a dangerous ulterior motive and it seems you have to be guarded most of the time.
aubrey tells me that there are great treasures to be gained when you share time with old people. but i live in la where so many strangers have freaked me out before. david says that this fear of strangers and serial killers is a strictly american thing. maybe this was a sign that it’s time for me to leave, especially coming off a day that was devoted to discussions of this very topic.
i told my dad that i won’t write here anymore. and i didn’t realize it as i was saying it, but as i heard myself say it, i realized it was true. just like the way i felt in taiwan that this wasn’t where i was supposed to be and i had somehow gotten off course, ever since my birthday i’ve felt that i’m in the wrong place now. maybe my birthday was my going away party.