Echo

why does love make people put up with bullshit? i feel like balance has a hard time existing between people when emotions get involved. you’re either on one side or the other, abusive or being abused. dominating or being dominated. i don’t like being on either side. i dream of balance where two people in a love partnership just get along the way you do with your best friend. no one hurts anyone deeply and unintentionally. i suspect the pains have to do a lot with growth and motivating each other…sometimes that motivation to evolve comes out of conflict. but i don’t like it. i definitely don’t like being in a dominant role where i end up making people feel bad. i feel that if you don’t get too intensely involved with people, you’re more likely to live and let live and things don’t get intense. but life doesn’t really give you that choice, does it?

i just got back from the bay area. my mom kept bugging me, asking me if i was sad. why would i be sad, i would respond in the same exact way every time she asked. because your boyfriend left. do i seem sad? i asked her. no, she said. but then she adds, you always seem to know there are so many people out there and are always looking. i think you must be sad, but you’re just hiding your emotions from yourself.

but she kept bugging me the entire weekend, asking me if i was sad. she was getting so repetitive like when michael calls me multiple times a day and asks me for my flight information just because he wants to feel secure that i’m really coming. i finally asked her what her problem was. nothing, she said. i bet you’re sad.

i wanted to either shake her or give in.

i cried for a whole day, okay? is that what you want to hear?, i ask her in frustration.

the truth was, i didn’t cry for a whole day. i just kept tearing up a bit uncontrollably the morning of, feeling like i was teetering on the edge of a cliff, while secretly, i couldn’t wait for him to leave so i could be alone.

i bet you cried, she said with a smile of victory.

thanks, mom.

she was also driving me crazy by analyzing my party. she had looked at everyone at the party and decided which couples looked like they belonged together and would stay together and which ones she thought were mismatched. she brought it up again that if one of my friends wasn’t with his girlfriend, he would surely be with me because his girlfriend loves him more than he loves her while she thinks a part of him has always loved me, but his girlfriend is good for him because she’ll give him the stability he needs. i kind of hate it when she brings up that whole situation because while a part of me doesn’t believe her, a part of me doesn’t even want it spoken of because i don’t want to get in any trouble even though i’ve never done anything wrong. it’s just one of those things that should never ever be put on the table because it’s not right.

she noticed which guys had been following me around a bit and told me which ones i should be careful of. i told her i had no intentions of getting involved with any one of them.

but the thing was, she’d intuitively noticed and commented about most of the men who were characters in my life, but the one that needed the most commenting. all she would mention of the subject was focused on getting me to admit i was sad.

she’s mindfucking me.

wtf?

you can’t suddenly start poking a guy in the ear with a bully stick while things are good until he gets upset, then call with the intention to apologize only to stomp on his feelings until he cries, then let him stew in anxiety for a night before finally apologizing over a text in the middle of the night and while he’s relieved that you’re not walking out on him, make secret plans to find a job halfway across the globe to live closer to him which you are likely to freak out at if you actually get.

get a hold of yourself, gemini. what the hell is wrong with you? what the hell is making you so goddam mean? this isn’t like you at all. this really isn’t like you at all.

just watched lars and the real girl.

my mom kept coming in and out of the room commenting that he was sick. i finally had to ask her to either stop judging the character and pay attention, or leave. she left.

but my dad, who hadn’t been paying attention to it at first (reading the newspaper), stayed up past his bedtime to finish the whole movie.

weird movie, he said near the end as the fake girl was dying and the town rallied behind lars.

it’s a sweet movie, i said.

everyone in it is so nice and kind. even the guys who show up in the bowling alley who you think are going to do something destructive are kind and accepting. it really says a lot that we, as the viewer, are surprised when people are given the opportunities to be cruel, but they’re not. at least for me, it made me realize how little kindness we expect from our fellow man when it comes to acceptance of things that are out of the ordinary or vulnerable. it’s a movie that has a lot of heart. i really appreciate it for that.

i liked this film a lot. my dad grumbled at the end about it being weird again, but i could tell he was touched. it has such a positive message, about psychological pain and the process of healing…how someone who has a lot of love (even if wounded) will attract others capable of love and in turn, they heal each other. i think it’s important to see this cycle in action.

i think while the primary objective of film or any mass media can be for entertainment or education, if a message is skillfully conveyed, it’s capable of healing on a very subtle but dynamic level. i’m thankful tonight that the filmmakers were able to get this movie made, and that i watched it with my dad at a time in which we were both open and in need of this message.