Echo

last night’s drunkenness was, in colin’s words, next level shit.

even poor aubrey, the perennial designated driver, was drunker than i’ve ever seen him in my life, and i’ve known him since we were 9.

i told everyone, when we show up, if my dad’s wearing a pink shirt, it’s going to be a great night. and there he was, in a plum shirt that was quite complementary to my dress which was a pleasant surprise.

the tie thing is because i’ve got a fetish for guys in shirts and ties, so i’d requested that david be in a shirt and tie, citing that aubrey probably would be. i forgot to ask aubrey if he’d be wearing a tie until they’d arrived in LA, and he said he hadn’t planned on it and didn’t want to. but i went out to run some last minute errands and when i got back, the boys were all in shirts and ties. even brian. david can be subtly persuasive.

we were late for the party because of a last minute wardrobe malfunction. the strap of my dress broke and out popped my left boob. rie was like my maid of honor. brian hurried her in and she sewed up the strap and reinforced the other one. it also took 3 people to put tape on me to make sure i didn’t find other ways to flash my goods.

the place was nice. it was crazy because i’d hired an event planner so i hadn’t seen the place, tasted the food or heard any of the DJ’s work. all i’d visualized going in was that the party was going to be downtown, and when she told me about it, everything sounded the way it was supposed to be so i trusted her and let her take care of everything. she did a great job. the food was great and i was amazed at the chocolate fountain. my mom was like a deer, quietly drinking from the stream…i kept catching her at the chocolate fountain and when other people would show up, she would scurry away, only to approach again when the coast was clear. it was cute. she had a really great time and the one thing i always like is when my parents dance because it makes them happy.

i’m really happy with the party and it seemed like people were having a great time. i didn’t really drink until close to midnight because i wanted to pace myself, but the downward slide into drunken oblivion has a steep slope, with sake bombs serving as deadly lubrication.

ah…sake bombs. my favorite weapon of choice.

for only 3 easy payments of $29.95, you too, can learn how to suppress your gag reflex.

drinking and smoking bring out two different people in me.

smoking makes me contemplative, like giving me more RAM so i can articulate greater wisdom.
sometimes, i’m more me because more of me is able to come through and speak.

drinking takes away the self control i use to meter my energy output, and love and happiness gush out of me. i want to touch everyone and have good feelings emanate from everyone. this night wasn’t too complex for me, which was good because i didn’t have enough time to get too deep into too many people. i didn’t see visions of people’s secret pain, i didn’t feel individual messages that needed to be delivered. i basically got the night off to just have fun. mostly, i just wished that people go home and have the greatest sex of their lives.

i hesitate to call any of my behavior “bad” behavior to impose any kind of judgment on myself. i’d had a long talk with david a couple nights before because i have been worried about how he would handle my birthday party, since we’ve never been through this before, and it can be a lot for a guy to handle. i think my birthday parties are where you can really see that i’m in love with everyone and a lot of people love me back. it’s basically a ceremony of love and joy. but for a lot of guys in the past, it can be a lot to handle if a guy isn’t secure. i think i brought it up because i was worried about it. he’s a serious guy when he talks about commitment, but what i really want to know is…how much freedom will he give me for life. i suspect that i would have no qualms about commitment if i knew that a partner truly gave me freedom on pure faith of knowing where my heart is, but i also am trying to understand if this is an arrangement that can exist. i may be asking for something that isn’t fair or possible for another person to the degree i need it to promise my faithfulness, and if so, then commitment is not for me and i have to accept that, just as some people accept that they may never have children. i’m trying to be zen about it and take my life as it was meant to be.

he was at first anxious about why we were talking about it, and i told him i just wanted to explain what my parties are like, that it’s freaked out guys in the past if the party comes too early in a relationship, and that he has to know that whatever it may seem like, i’m not disrespecting him. he said, well, you’re not planning to make out with another guy are you? then you have nothing to worry about.

and i think that comment created the problem. because i would never make out with someone else and i laughed because that seemed so out of behavior for me that it wasn’t a possibility. but then how to explain the impulse that i kissed everyone, both men and women. none of it was sexual though…i think it was because i could and i wanted to. i like showing that boundaries are really imaginary. often they are necessary, but they’re not these rigid, concrete things that people give them credit for. the berlin wall lined with soldiers with guns with an order to shoot…that was a fucking real boundary. a psychological feeling that we have to repress emotion to be proper in society, even in times when it’s safe to express them…that’s all in your head. so i’m always touching people anyway because it makes me happy, that tangible connection of you’re here, i’m here and it feels good to have a solid connection with you on a physical level. like hugs. that’s what hugs are really about–a physical expression of a psychic/emotional connection which in a way, verifies the presence and nature of the intangible feeling of connection. but the kissing…that’s next level shit. that falls in the realm of things you can’t do with other people if you’re committed to someone, even if when you’re doing it, everyone is in this place of utter surrender to the energy of the night, and whatever transpires is pure and beautiful and good because that was my energy projected into the night and i spent a year making sure the energy to be projected that night would be positive and pure. so it just became a natural expression that meant nothing beyond the joy of connection it was expressing. i think that if society weren’t full of so many perceived boundaries and ego, i could show people this without us being drunk, because substances are just screens we hide behind so we can’t judge ourselves when we reveal ourselves. really all it would take is for people to let go of certain more critical sides of themselves and just accept the truth of who they are and the truth of what transpires between people.

so what is my point? i think it’s coming to me. it’s compounded by so many different things. was i an instigator, impishly causing problems because drunk guys are helpless when they think a drunk girl is helpless? (don’t forget, sometimes the predator pursues by becoming the prey…). am i someone who can’t bear being told what she can’t do, despite never having crossed any physical lines before? or am i just someone who sees and feels things on a deeper level than a lot of people allow themselves, who’s sick of all the bullshit and just wants to break down barriers and connect? was it an act of freedom or rebellion?

the only thing i know is that i need my freedom to find my answers and find my questions and to better understand people and the world, because it’s only through experience and understanding that i’m able to bring things back to people through communication, and giving the wisdom of my discoveries to others and seeing their lives change is what brings me the greatest joy in my life. in my guestbook wh
en asked where on the outline of a person i’ve touched him, aubrey drew aura waves around the body and a big orb above his head and wrote “here.” that made me smile so wide i was glowing, because aubrey has always been one person who can actually see me. and quietly, he’s always given me his support and my freedom.

that’s really the secret to the sword in the stone.

you go through the obstacles and the trials to finally find the treasure, but the only way you can keep it, is if you can truly let it go.

so many people try to get close to me. very few people find me. even fewer can truly see me. but once you have found the real me and connected on that level, the only way you can keep me is if you can truly let go of me.

if you can achieve this, it will unlock me to reveal the universe.

the sword in the stone. so simple, yet no one at the partnership level has been able to do it yet.