Echo

well, let me start by saying:

brian stranded me at the gay bar last night with just a text message saying: get home, hooker

given that it was a good night, i did get home, and it was his birthday, i’m not mad about it. i find it funny more than anything that this morning, the first thing he did was stumble into my office, flop onto the couch face first and tell me he has no memory of how we got home from the bar last night.

we?

YOU left me at the bar.

that about summed it up.

he didn’t believe me so he checked his phone and there it was: get home, hooker

the cab driver who took me home last night was really chatty though. i asked him if it was a crazy day because it was pride weekend. he said earlier, he drove this really drunk woman home from the abbey and she asked him for sex. he said she was really unattractive, but she was so drunk and started taking off her clothes and pawing at him through the window that he stopped and let her kinda go down on him, but it was bad. i asked if she paid the fare and he said no, she didn’t have any money.

i don’t know if i believe him, but he sure was happy telling that story.

I have work to do.

fuck. mercury retrograde is messing with me. making it really hard to communicate.

there’s progress. but then weird stuff i can’t explain. um…don’t get mad at me. left-brain mildly disabled as right goes majestic. it’s never flexed so hard. i’m doing the best to navigate but just smile, laugh at it all and we’ll get through this okay??? good god, help us…

no, i’m kidding. we’ll be okay. we’ll be better than okay, better than we imagined. just stay relaxed, everyone focus.

e-x-p-a-n-s-i-o-n

you’ll see.

AND THE JOKE’S ON EVERYONE! okay, i’m not going to spoil it for you but you have to make sure you really enjoy it because it’s going to be subtle okay? it’ll be easy to overlook and it will be fine if you do, but you don’t want to miss out if you don’t have to. your only mission is to make it 100% possible for you to have fun on this night.

got it?

then do it.

the guestbook. i’m kind of embarrassed by it but kind of tickled by it. oh my goodness, it’s a little deliciously obscene.

so tonight, let me tell you what went on.

brian’s birthday party at here, gay bar in west hollywood. gay men love me.

but first, david suggested i spend more time with brian so i asked brian if he would come shopping with me to pick out my new sheets, even though i’d bought them already but he was excited about picking them out with me so i said i would return the ones i’d gotten. i want a new color scheme this year. we headed to bloomingdales, and we picked out the sheets and bought them from the saleslady he knew. i took the duvet he suggested though i was firm about the sheets i wanted, and he actually ended up saving me a shitload of money. that’s how he proves he cares about people sometimes, being really helpful that way and it’s sweet. so he tried to help me return the ones i’d gotten but i managed to confuse where i’d actually bought them from, taking him to the wrong department store. he called me a crack head. i’m just not really here right now where time, space, location is kind of a smaller picture illusion to me. i told him his cologne smelled really really fucking good. he forgave me because he knew i meant it and i told him i would return the sheets later that day, myself.

we went home and i snuck into the elevator to head out. he caught me and asked me where i was going. i told him to the drugstore. he asked me what for, and i evaded the question. haha, it’s a game. i leave. he’s sweet, he’s so caring. i’m so evasive sometimes, but sometimes, i just like to be because i just enjoy my time alone. and go about my secret day. i met people. i saw people. sometimes people outright stare. i love people. i hate people. all this in single glances, entire dramas taken in in fleeting, intangible moments.

love. hate. lifetimes. all passed where only the aware remember.

i remember getting a large sum refund which the saleswoman had to go to another floor to retrieve.

that was a minor victory.

and all the unhappy or angry people i passed who felt like they were being constantly ignored by life. their reality. this world that they had created.

and the ones who hated me. and the ones who hated themselves.

and the ones who were free.

everything was so apparent.

i went to an art store and asked about a product and the clerk had no idea. so i bought it and knew i would make it work. and then i went home and with brian’s encouragement (i know you’re funnier than this), it’s a little obscene. and personally, i do find it funny in a bigger picture kind of way of who cares, but how many people are actually big enough to perceive things that way?

it’s all relative to people’s individual perception and i hope no one gets offended because these kinds of things are small things, to me. my birthdays are never appropriate events, just events for people to let go and have fun.

i’m twisted up today because i’m in a different place, but i’m strong.

look, i made a grown man cry today. i made him understand what it meant for his soul to be free and he wept in joy and i kissed him and hugged him like we were old dear friends. i told him, you know the truth, so you pursue all that makes you happy because that’s all that matters. and as tears fell around his brilliant smile, i wiped them away and tasted them on my lips and said, be happy. all that you were meant was to be happy. and i felt dizzy with that knowledge, dizzy with that absolute love that i felt for him in that very moment. and he said to me, i love you, julia. i only met you tonight, and i love you.and i knew that i loved him too. because he was me, and he was him and he was all of us, just like my single drop of water from the faucet, and he was everyone in this world that had hope for something better, something positive, something happier than anything we had ever dreamed, because in that moment, he was aware of himself. and i hugged him and said, i love you, too. i don’t really know you, but i know you. and i love you. and i kissed him where his tears flowed and held him until they stopped.

he is a good person.

this is how things happen. you have to find me at the right moments where it’s safe. you have to ask me the right questions, and i’ll show you something, something that’s really in you. but you have to know the right paths to find me, otherwise i’ll be me, but not the me you seek. but for all honest seekers who were meant to find me, i have always shown the truth.