Saturday Night Ramblings
An artist without inspiration, may as well be dead.
I’m so damn cranky tonight. My back flared up today and that can always trigger me to be extremely irritable because I’m scared the rest of my life will be like this, dealing with this pain (its this intense pain that shoots from my glute to my ankle and I can’t bend over without it being excruciating). You really don’t think about how physical discomfort can affect your general mood and happiness level, but I think it really does, especially if it becomes a life constant. A coworker made a comment earlier this week that really bugged me…he said that when he first met me last year, I was really focused on things. Life. Very driven. And now, it seems like I just don’t really care about anything anymore. I’ve checked out. And I just sighed, agreed and said, I’ve lost my will to live. I think I surprised both of us with that statement. I hadn’t realized it. But hearing myself say it, I realized it was true. Now before you guys start calling up hotlines to report me, I’ll say very honestly–I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. It’s just a feeling of not really looking forward to things anymore, because I know that tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up and that pain will be there, as it was yesterday and the day before. There hasn’t been a single moment in over a year when I was painfree, and I realized last week, that I can’t even remember what it felt like to not be in some level of pain. And God, that’s really depressing. Sometimes I think about the limits of the human body, and I get angry. I think that’s why I fetishize robots. I wish there were robot parts that could replace my malfunctioning ones and fix me. Regardless of all the things I fear though, I still hold out hope that this will get better. I’m too young and strong to be stuck like this.
In other news, my senseless cousin is dating a complete loser. In his 20’s (she was 17 when they met). No job, doesn’t go to school, deals cards at his aunt’s illegal gambling house or something and posts crass comments about my cousin on his website. She sees it and somehow, thinks it’s cute. Yeah, she’ll grow out of it, the relationship will inevitably come to an end, but it still sucks. My cousin Bohr and I were waiting for her to show up to this dinner party thing tonight because we wanted to have a talk with her, but she didn’t show up. We’ve already had a “talk” with the boyfriend on the phone, inviting him out for “ice cream” so we could all get to know each other. Obviously, he was too chicken to come. Perhaps the jokes of breaking his legs didn’t help? (I’m just kidding. But seriously, if he messes with my cousin, we do have baseball bats). Bohr was saying that things like this make him hope he doesn’t have daughters. I’ve always secretly hoped that I never have daughters. So much to worry about.
(ps–my mom is now singing Cher on karaoke right now. “Do you believe in life after love?”)
On the way home from the dinner party tonight, I was thinking about how a friend used to tell me that if she could get God to send me a soulmate, she would do anything for him to send me a guy who would make me happy. I thought about how, every time she said that, I would appreciate the intentions but I would get really sad because it made me feel like she didn’t have any idea who I was. That having a lover, such a superficial thing, would fulfill me. Because I don’t search the world for a lover. I search the world for a mentor–someone who can help enlighten me and teach me, who can lead me. So that I can shake this feeling of always being lost.
Sometimes when people want you in their life, the love they give you is conditional. They want you there in a certain way, on certain terms, and sometimes, those are terms that you just aren’t capable of. And that’s the worst thing. When they don’t realize their feelings are conditional.
My brother has been tense all week because our dad is in China playing basketball, and Michael has been down about his being away and not calling. I think my dad needed a break from certain stressors in his life. But it sucks when my brother doesn’t understand that when my dad turns his back on him, it’s not because of him. Hell, I understand but it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of emotional sense to me either.
(My mom is now singing that Barbie song by Aqua, I think. “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.” Deep breath, Julia. It’s gonna be okay.)