The Grandaddy of All Inappropriate Office Conversations
Eddie: Hey Julia, come here.
Julia: What’s up?
Eddie: Avi and I were just talking and we have a question for you.
Julia: Hit it from the front to the back. If she’ll like it like that?
Eddie: Avi thinks that girls would be more into gay porn than lesbian porn because you have two guys going at it. But I think he’s wrong.
Julia: Oh, you’re asking the wrong person. I personally think gay porn is awesome and I can’t stand two girls going at it because it bores me to death and I just don’t like it. I don’t even like seeing two girls and a guy, but two guys and a girl is awesome. But don’t measure by me because most girls actually enjoy watching girl on girl. I don’t think very many are into gay porn.
Avi: See I thought they would like gay porn because there’s more dick.
Eddie: You’d think that but they just aren’t into it but I don’t know why.
Avi: Maybe it’s cuz they can’t imagine themselves in that situation.
Julia: I think it’s because gay porn caters to men so it’s all about fucking. And girls want more sensuality. I think that’s why some girls I know say they actually like watching girl on girl.
Eddie: And it’s probably weird for a woman to see a guy acting like a female. I don’t mean as far as sexual positions, but the way they act.
Julia: Have you ever SEEN a gay porn?
[Eddie pauses for a really long time]
Eddie: No.
Julia: You have two ripped masculine guys going at it. I think it’s solely about fucking. I mean, obviously, a woman would prefer to watch a straight couple, followed by two women, but most women aren’t going to be into two guys. I think I’m an anomaly though because if I had to choose between two guys and two girls, I would prefer two guys because I just don’t like watching two girls. It weirds me out. And plus, I think I was a straight gay guy in a past life who fell in love with straight-seeming guys who were in the closet because women and straight guys and most gay guys are all too much drama for me.
Avi: Does this mean you love anal?
[long pause]
Julia: That’s a totally inappropriate question. And only with strangers.
Love…What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing.
(No wait. That’s WAR.)
Okay, I’m not going to rant anymore about this election.
Random notes from today:
-I was at physical therapy, waiting in the room for my therapist. I laid down on the table and suddenly, just started thinking about Elton Brand (of the LA Clippers). His face just popped into my head and I couldn’t stop thinking about him, so I thought, Elton Brand must have been in this room before. At the end of the session, my PT was packing ice on my back and we started talking about basketball. He tells me that he played fantasy and started naming players on his team. He says, “And I had Elton Brand who was great for blocks. In fact, Elton’s been on this very table. I was working on him and he was giving me fantasy tips.” WHOA. What a trip. I believe in residue energy. We leave residue energy the way some people leave scents in a room. Always try to be a good person. Because good residue energy feels nice, and bad energy is about as uncomfortable as a mysterious, lingering stench.
-Took my mom to Cafe Des Artistes for dinner. Saw Chris Evans from Not Another Teen Movie. All I kept thinking about was that one scene where he walks in naked except for the strategically placed whipped cream. Beautiful shoulders.
-My mom and I were talking about the war and my mom says, “I hope we’re sending prostitutes over there.” I’m like, “What?” She says, “The government has to do that. Provide that service. Like when your dad was in the military, they had hookers on the base. Because men are different, you know?” Ohmygodohmygod. Too much information.
-I told my mom my theory that homosexuality is actually more natural than people think, because back when men were more primitive and went on hunting expeditions that lasted for days/weeks, what do you think they were doing while they were huddled together in the woods? With a physical, imperative need for “release?” Yeah. Think about it. It’s physically required for men to have that release to function well. And back in the day, they would fuck anything. (Back in the day??? Who am I kidding! They still will) They’re instinctively driven to it, almost survivalistically, and this taboo on it is a relatively recent social development started by a religious minority. I think more happens in the military during stressful times (ie war) than people want to admit.
Today’s Mood: Love to love you, baby.
Every month, I make a playlist on my iPod that portrays an emotional theme/journey:
My October Mix Songlist:
Heart Shaped Box (Nirvana)
Live Forever (Oasis)
Lay Lady Lay (Magnet)
Sparks (Coldplay)
Run (Snow Patrol)
Life For Rent (Dido)
Wonderwall (Ryan Adams)
The Sounds of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel)
Cannonball (Damien Rice)
Superstar (Sonic Youth)
Someday We’ll Know (New Radicals)
Come Around (Rhett Miller)
Perfect Day (Collective Soul)
Wichita Lineman (Jimmy Webb)
November Playlist (In Reverence to that Scorpio Influence…if you know what it is, then you’ll understand some of these choices):
Apocalypse Please (Muse)
Paint It Black (Rolling Stones)
Devil Inside (INXS)
Ridiculous Thoughts (Cranberries)
Love to Love You Baby (Donna Summers)
Human Nature (Madonna)
Queer (Garbage)
Wrong (Everything But the Girl)
Sweet Surrender (Sarah MacLachlan)
What New York Couples Fight About (Morcheeba)
[I Can’t Get No] Satisfaction (Cat Power)
Paranoid Android (Radiohead)
Sadness (Enigma/NIN Remix)
How Can You Mend a Broken Heart (Al Green)
Something’s Always Wrong (Toad the Wet Sprocket)
Goodnight Moon (Shivaree)
Beautiful Girl (INXS)
Here’s Where the Story Ends (The Sundays)
Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon (Neil Diamond)