Echo

Speaking of Confessions…Pt II

1. I listen to cheesy love songs from the 70s 80s and 90s
2. I wrote secret admirer letters to one of my instructors in college out of sheer boredom and the fact that he was extremely unattractive, so I thought it would brighten up his day.
3. I have only 2 more signs to make out with before I’ve made out with at least 1 person of every sign.
4. I used to dial up random numbers on weekend nights because I have a theory that people are so lonely, they’ll talk to anyone.
5. I have videos that would ruin any political career that I could possibly aspire to.
6. I’m a complete asshole and don’t treat anyone well.
7. I once beat up a boy because I liked him and didn’t know what to do with those feelings.
8. I was sexually assaulted by someone I was dating.
9. Sometimes when I lie awake at night, I wonder, if I knew that I could get away with it in the eyes of God and the law, if there is someone I would happily kill.
10. I slept with a guy who looked like my ex-boyfriend just to prove that I wasn’t afraid of my ex-boyfriend anymore.
11. I once told someone I loved him just to get him to sleep with me.
12. I am terrified of cops.
13. I am homophobic towards lesbians.
14. I wake up every morning wondering if someone I love will die today.
15. I am distrusting of people with blue eyes.
16. I can not be in an enclosed space alone with anyone, male or female, without being scared of being raped.
17. I have the magical power of turning guys gay.
18. I have never kissed another girl.
19. I watched an older relative of mine cheat on her husband as I silently raged.
20. If there were no such things as STDs, I would devote my life to having sex all of the time.
21. I have talked to a ghost.
22. Getting people to reveal their inner most thoughts is like sex for me.
23. I have a doctor fetish because I have a thing for people who smell and look “clean.”
24. I wish I could know what sex is like for a man.
25. I’m terrified that people secretly think I’m dumb.
26. I won’t date Asians because statistically, they have the smallest penises.
27. I’d like to start a cult.
28. I think Jesus just had a good publicist.
29. I think women need to stop thinking with their hearts, and start thinking with their penises.
30. I am drunk as I write this.

But not all of these are true.

11/30 Recap

Oh hell yeah! 11/30. The last day of November. It’s beautiful, isn’t? Let’s get rid of these dark thoughts and move on to sunnier days. It’s been a hell of a month, hasn’t it? We had to look at the underbelly of things. Of our lives. Our relationships. Who are we? What is love? What the hell are we doing in this place, granted with the sudden, unexpected responsibility of life?

God, I had to face some ghosts. Didn’t you? But you know what? At the end of the day, there’s always something to live for. Wanting to know the next page of this book.To be surprised by the possibility of love around the corner. Of the good in people. Of a day when you can feel that what you do and who you are really matters in this world. And we all got through it. And that’s seriously something awesome.

So I’m sitting here, doing some writing, listening to my Ambulance LTD CD. It’s so, so good. It’s what Keane is to Brian. Something about it, I just emotionally gravitate towards it. And I was just thinking that…life is good. I love the little roller coasters that life brings. Each month with its flavors, its sweet highs and richer lows.

I’ve been reading a wide variety of books lately and I love how all these people, these writers , have such different voices. Personalities. You end up trying to imagine what kind of person the writer is. It’s kind of why I like blogs. You see the inner workings of so many different types of people. It’s a way of psychically traveling, experiencing far away things, mystical things. It’s hypnotic, the way looking in a kaleidoscope was mesmerizing for us when we were kids.

I feel terrible about my work situation. Everything in life is just a relationship, you know? All relationships are degreed mirrors of each other. The dynamic between my company and I are like, they want me to care more and invest more of my attention on them, but I just won’t. I can’t find it in me because I just don’t love them and even when I try, my heart is not in it. And so they’re offering me gifts to get me to commit to them, but I just can’t. And it’s not fair to string them along. But I don’t know how to say to them that I’m so, so sorry, but I just don’t care enough about the company. They’re so afraid I’ll leave. But I’m just not into it and I think it’s dragging them down. Fuckwittage. Like Helen Fielding would say. I feel guilty because I feel like I’m fucking with them, that sensitive bunch. Nice, nice people though.

Ah, I’m going to try harder. Because I want to be fair to them.

Thought of the day:

It’s the people who possess the most fear who also possess the most sorcerous and instinctual ability to scare. For me, this was kind of a scary thought to mull over.

Speaking of Confessions…

So I was on www.grouphug.us looking at confessions and I found this one:

There’s these two guys in my office, both in wheel chairs. By accident I shouted “here comes the ‘other one’ “

…and I giggled myself silly because it’s totally something I would do. So I was telling Bohr about this one time, when we were filming Cojones, I needed a midget. So I approached this really short guy who I knew through the comedy troupe (and incidentally, who was dating a friend of mine), and I went to lengths to convince him to come play “the devil” for me. So we’re on set and he’s in a little red pajama one-piece jumpsuit with feet and he thinks he’s playing the devil. But I’m really focused at the task at hand and end up blurting out, “Okay, I need the midget.” And from the other side of the room, I hear, “Oh is THAT what I am?!?!?”

I felt TERRIBLE.

Okay, so I just talked to the car dealer and worked it all out. Apparently the $1,000 that was paypalled from my mom’s credit card was a deposit for a $40,000 car. Nice… Michael is lucky he’s autistic. Otherwise, he’d be getting a beating when my dad gets home. But I talked to the guy and he said he’d refund the deposit if I just left him some positive feedback, which I just did. While I was on my brother’s account, I noticed that he had bids out on 4 other cars. And a $9,000 CD changer.

Goodness.

These are the dangers of teaching kids about finances using monopoly money. They have no concept of the true value of money.

Brian is out of town tonight but no anonymous sex for me. I’m on hour 11am-12pm of 24 (Season 1). I’ve been watching those dvds for DAYS and I’m not even halfway through.

I’m reading Bridget Jones’s Diary. It’s really funny. I was actually reading it at Starbuck’s last night, but was so tired, I kept falling asleep. But then whenever a customer would laugh or say something loudly at the counter, I would suddenly looking up at them, really alertly and wide-eyed like I was intrigued by their conversation, trying to pretend I wasn’t asleep. The same way you do at school (or, um…work) when you’re trying to look up enough or shift around enough to look like you’re awake and reading so you don’t get into trouble. But every time I did that, I would remember that no one gives a fuck if I’m asleep because I’m not in school (or, um…work). But the funny thing was that the guy sitting next to me must have thought I was awake because every time I looked up, he would try to engage me in conversation. And I would just stare at him blankly because my brain was still asleep. This little program was just what my body has been trained to do, since I’m a pro at falling asleep in places without getting caught.

In other news, my brother has apparently bought a car on Ebay. My mom noticed a paypal charge of $1000 on her credit card last week and mentioned it to me when she picked me up from the airport. I told her that paypal is like a wire transfer and we figured out that it must have been Michael. We questioned him and he said he bought a Mercedes on Ebay. We were like, “A toy or a real car?” A real car, he says. Holy fuck.

I told my mom to prosecute my brother for fraud. Just to scare him. Because he’s got all of our credit card numbers memorized and he’s always using them to buy random things on the internet.