I’m so glad to be home. Not that I wasn’t glad to be with my family up north. But there’s something to be said about being back in your own place. Emphasis on the “own.”
I know it wasn’t as bad as I feel it was, but I feel really crappy for some of the things I was saying over the weekend. I guess I’ve been very frustrated with the way my body feels, and I’ve been saying things that make my family worry. Especially my mom, when she is already feeling very lonely these days. She said to me today, “You always say how scared you are of losing me someday, but don’t you ever think that I’m also scared of losing you?” And I know I worry my brother when I get really moody and dark. Pain makes you frustrated which makes you desperate which makes you unable to be present for the people who care about you most. And I think I’m frustrated because writing/creativity has always been my outlet but for some reason, that part of me is broken right now and it’s driving me crazy. So I don’t know what to do and I’m starting to feel desperate. Worried that things won’t get better. I’m just trying to relax and breathe and ride this out. But sometimes I wish I could be more emotionally available to the people who love me the most when I get like this. I get so distant. It makes me feel like a monster when I breakdown and can’t control myself. The way I disappear. The way my heart goes numb when my edges get sharp. Edward Scissorhands. You cut the very ones you want to love the most. Just by being you. So you make them stay away for their own good. But that hurts them anyway.
You just can’t win.
Right now is not a good time to get too close to me. Not until I figure all this out. There’s got to be a way out of this corner. Just give me some time and space…I’m trying to figure this out so we can all get out of this alive. But that’s the funny thing about life, isn’t it? No one gets out alive.
I picked up an album by Ambulance LTD. You guys should check them out. Kind of retro pop/rock. Very indie fun. Like something from a Wes Anderson film soundtrack. I love the 3rd song, Anecdote. Very, very cool. #7 (Sugar Pill) is how I feel.
I also finished Survivor, and it talks a lot about the things I’ve been thinking about lately. Synchronicity. I have a knack for picking up a book and it turns out to deal with exactly the themes I’m currently thinking about. I also read Naked Pictures of Famous People, which is a collection of essays by Jon Stewart. It was okay. I didn’t really think it was that funny.
Maybe all this is just projection. Maybe I’m really mad at myself right now. Maybe that’s why I’ve suddenly gone cold and am pushing people away. Punishing the people who try to get too close as a way of punishing myself? But why would I be so angry with myself right now?