I’m thinking about the scenes in Ben Button when he meets up late night with that older woman for tea. That movie was just incredibly well written, very different from the F. Scott Fitzgerald short. I was mistaken though, it was written by Eric Roth who wrote Ali and Munich, not David Benioff, who wrote Kite Runner and 11th Hour, and whom I’m not a big fan of.
Link to Ben Button script.
use triangles. they help you gain perspective on things.
i understand now why the number 3 is seattle’s number. the people here are very obsessed with location–pinpointing a person on whatever grid they deem important. that’s why people want to know where you’re from, what you do and where you live. they are triangulating your position on an internal map. i think that’s why i’ve been scrambling them a little. they don’t know where to put me so i’m an anomaly. i also keep moving my points.
did you know my address is made up of a triad of 3’s to make a balanced 9? symbolically, imagine 3 pool balls making a triangle. the most powerful thing i’ve got is a 12th house venus in cancer, which is the source of my karmic tie to the depth. it has always been a great source of pain but strength. a 12th house venus means that love comes to you in karmic ties, and many times, you’re working something from the past out. love is spiritual. it is the placement of secret relationships and affairs. in cancer, it brings about deep emotional cycles and a driving maternal need to take care of and sacrifice for loved ones. one manifestation, you carry on in a secret affair where you never win with someone already attached. another, you love silently from a distance because for whatever reason, you can never get close. it’s a tough placement. i’ve manifested it by letting it make my spirit stronger while not manifesting it in any way that compromises my spirit. by being philosophical about it, i gain wisdom. in seattle, a city that uses 12 to represent its 3-ness, i wonder if i am here to finally face the 12th house.
i am prepared to live a solitary, contemplative life without a partner, rather than compromise in a relationship with someone i couldn’t be with in every way. i am willing to do karmic work if that’s what the 12th house wants to send me, disguised as love. i am content to sit in the 12th house, and be one with its storms. but i will not stop believing that these are just the obstacles that are necessary on my way to finding something greater.
don’t lose track of linear time but break away from it. translate time into distance, space, depth. and then you can see that while objects are connected by time, sometimes you can reach for them through space, which is just another dimension of time. if you are trying to observe the impact of the illusion of time, then you have to reach and find reflective objects outside of the linear projection. i was always good at memory match games–find the two objects that match by flipping over cards. so i found that if i was good about remembering things, i would recognize synchronicities. once you have a synchronicity, then you already have two points with which to triangulate a perception outside of the linear timeline.
i have always said the one thing humans did that released themselves was break the time-space dependency with transportation. i always use ants. an ant can walk in a straight line at its top speed for the entire length of its life, but it can only go so far before it dies. a human is the same. but once the species discovered transportation, we broke our maximum distance-time correlation. we are slowly understanding how we can change our relationship with time. time is a force. but so are we. we are learning how to work with it. the human world is about to get bigger.
one thing you should know about me.
i come from a line of powerful women generationally becoming conscious of itself.
be bold, be bold, but humble.
the balance of seasons.
earth and air
fire within water.
power comes from knowing water.
always let the moon lead.
when it is time to move forward, move forward.
when it is time to be still, be still.
when it is time to confront, let everything that is not real fall away, and reach only for the heart.
eternally
white becomes black, black becomes white.
until it doesn’t.
what matters is intention.
actions will always scatter where they fall.
on sunday i kept running into these two guys while walking around a nearby town. we started talking and they asked me what i was working on.
i said a dating field book for women based on the art of war.
the more serious one laughed and said he would be interested in reading that.
i told him i didn’t know…”do you have a magical vagina?”
“um, sadly i do not,” he said. “but i’m interested in learning more about it.”
I can see the light come peering through the sky in my mind
Closing people come in but also lying on the floor
I would hold you in my arms until we both are home
I would hold you in my arms until we both are all alone
– Moby
The reason October has been difficult is because there are no 29 or 22 days. November should be quite the month. I’ll take 11/9, 11/11, 11/18, 11/27, 11/29.
Dessert
(cuz Tomorrow Never Dies was so influential. I wanted the Beamer. I wanted to be Michelle Yeoh)
such a good video.
Confession
I have been struggling through Tolle’s New Earth, but it’s driving me crazy that he’s villainizing the word, ego. I understand it’s because people need to understand themselves as greater consciousness before they can reflect on their human existence from this perspective. He wants to make sure they get the first step…I assume that’s why the writing’s circular and repetitive. But on a realistic level, you can’t just get rid of the ego because it’s doorway that keeps us connected to this world and this level of life, at least this collective projection of it. It’s kind of a silly notion, like saying you’re going to not have a nose anymore. The problem is when the ego is hampering instead of expanding, when the mirror’s reflection believes it’s the person, or never knew it was a reflection in the first place. As long as we know which is which, and the greater self lives by the greater rules of consciousness, everything’s balanced. But to say the problem of consciousness is the need to beware the ego is not precise. Just like guns don’t kill people, egos alone aren’t destroying the world. It’s how beings are using their egos, or how dysfunctional egos have taken over beings. It’s in that relationship, and then the relationship with the world around them. The ego’s a powerful energy source. It defines how we project into this world. Balanced, it can be the source of great power. Misguided, it falls into the dynamics of the primitive illusions of this world. This book has been hard for me to read because I believe this is a positive book that gives people an opening, but it’s doing a huge disservice by creating a stigma on the word “ego.”
So here’s the thing.
You see the future event. You know that if you walk there, it’s as good as real. But when you ask yourself, if I can just step into that future snapshot as though through a mirror and be at this event having traversed time, would I give up the experience of all that time just to arrive quickly at a happy landmark, you would be a fool to say yes. Even if it meant putting that snapshot in danger of you not getting there, or not getting there in time.
Every moment can count if you make it.
The engineer from North Carolina was laughing, but not in a mean way. Amused and caught off guard.
“So what you just said is that you used to be afraid of serial killers, but now you hope if you meet one, he’d find you too interesting to kill.”
I guess it does sound funny, but I meant it. It was the only way I could make peace with this fear.
“Yeah, I used to be so concerned with them. Just having the wrong person fixate on you and for no reason, want to hurt you. But now I just think there are so many people in this world, each really only doing things for their own reasons, so I hope that even if I met someone who had a lot of dark thoughts, they would find me intriguing enough to leave me alone because they’d be curious in what I end up doing with my life.”
“I would be interested in knowing what you do with your life.”
“So would I.”
Dear Louc,
The legacy of the 11’s continues. That 11 and 9. How connected they are. How much they need each other. That night, by the candles, it began with you. True, I was wary of you, the way I am wary of everyone. I still am. My definition of stranger feels endless. But what you showed me in the reflection of those dark pools lit by flame, has been the star I have followed.
You know that I could never give you that spot next to me, but instead of being angry at me for it, you still sat by me for a little while. You gave me something without demanding something back. You know that if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same for you and never hoped for anything outside of kindness. And I am still unraveling the distances you’ve helped me travel. Thank you for being my friend.
Last night I dreamed that my cousin gave me his car to drive. It’s a very nice car, a heavy car, and I was very anxious in it because I wanted to be careful. He called me from my car. I apologized and told him my car’s technology sucked but its acceleration was good. He told me the thing to know about his car, was that the number on the screen reflects exactly who the caller is.
Inside my dream, I wondered why he was telling me, assuming that the numbers on Caller ID would always correspond correctly. Then I remembered when I first got my car, it was never correct. It would flash one random name but be someone else.
I woke up before sunrise. This was the first time I’ve woken up so early since that first time the boat docked here. It had been an electrical night. The dream had consumed me.
The message followed me around all day like a shadow.
the numbers will reflect correctly the people.
Demetri Martin’s one of my favorite comics, not only for his first-rate Gemini mind, his sparkling Gemini eyes and wit, and his incisive take on perspective and irony, but because he’s got mad ambidextrous artistic and musical skills. He and I could never date. But we’d be great homies. We would make more than the average number of grown men cry. 73% chance we make each other cry.
Check out this clip from his show, Important Things:
| Important Things with Demetri Martin | ||||
| Games – Passive Aggressive Race | ||||
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like a bolt of lightning, out of the blue…
I spent a couple of hours on the phone tonight telling Rie about the psychology of the people of Seattle. This is my city, but these aren’t my people. I was thinking today how much longer I can take it here before it starts to wear on me. I can see why I needed to be strong in so many ways before I took on Seattle.
In a nutshell, it’s like this. People are very clique-y. There is some self-perpetuating wound that’s deep-rooted in the collective social psyche here and I can’t see the cause exactly (I think it has to do with many factors…the climate, the founding industries, a diverse city that doesn’t “mix,” etc that has compounded into an urban social climate), but I deal with the bottom line. The bottom line is that in a way, people are so afraid of being judged for not being “normal” and doing the right things, that they themselves become very defensive and judgmental. So, because they are so afraid of being judged, they project their fears and negative emotions judgmentally. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had where people act like I’ve rejected them when I’ve been perfectly open and nice. And then because they’re acting like the conversation has gone sour, it effectively ends a conversation that didn’t have to end. And then when I point it out, they seemed confused, as though waking from a dream whose memory holds some slight that never occurred in actual reality.
I was telling Rie that I know I came here to self-induce a bit of a depression through isolation, a way of getting my deeper juices flowing but without sacrificing perspective. I know that the negative ways people have treated me have nothing to do with me and the person I am–it’s their projections speaking. I try to not even hold these things personally against people (I think of it as a product of their fear and/or unconsciousness, not necessarily who they are as a person). I do tell her that it’s frustrating that this city is so unconscious and mean. The fact that I was told yesterday that people honk at me in traffic because I have a nice car with California plates and “people in Washington hate Californians,” is just…disappointing.
But then randomly, I get a message from this guy, Chilly. We’d worked together at the comedy club in Amsterdam…I’d only met him a couple of times before he moved back to Brazil…we’d only small-talked, he was very nice and always helpful, but we’d never really gotten to know each other. We’re linked on Facebook though, and every once in a while, he’ll comment on my updates. I remember being surprised because he’d never mentioned a girlfriend or anything, but shortly after he left Amsterdam, he got married. I knew another guy like that. It’s like you know them in a work context, and you forget that there’s an entire private world behind them.
So I was feeling kind of irritated with the people here, why they are missing the bigger picture, when Chilly writes:
you know… this isn’t meant to be a compliment…nor is it meant to flatter you in any way…. I believe people who are kick ass ought to be told so… so this is more of a testimonial.. hah.. well ….. you really make me smile… you make …me happy, just by being yourself… note that we don’t really talk much… But I’m glad we’ve met and that i know someone so kick ass… it makes me happy to know that somewhere in the world a person like you exists… you’re the type of person who renews my faith in humanity…
You’re…
Independent, fun, funny, and a whole list of (positive) adjectives…
Keep up the good work on being yourself and having everyone around you happy and smiling like the way you make me feel… =]
*****
Wow! Unexpected, so sweet and such good timing. We really don’t know each other that well and we really don’t talk. It was a really nice thing to put into my world. I wrote back that his message made my day and I would definitely pay the good will and positivity forward. These kinds of things are blessings. It’s all a circle. Faith. Inspiration. Positivity. Good will. Good things go back and forth, building greater things. Bad things go back and forth until people get so punch drunk that they start wanting good things. I like circulating good things. When bad things come, you just have to do your best to be conscious and let them pass through you and out into space. Let it go. You can’t take it on. Otherwise, it goes back into the circle and becomes everyone’s problem.
