Echo

how the hell did i manage to get out of amsterdam without ever getting hit by a bike, and then i get hit by one in seattle?

getting hit by a bike feels like getting hit by a car, but is better than getting hit by a bus.

why don’t i talk more to women in my daily searches? i actually talk to many, but deeply connect with few. men are more open to truthful deep connections with me, maybe because i’m a woman, maybe because less dysfunctional ego comes into play or they’re more open to being disarmed. sometimes women don’t connect truthfully or are unwilling to let down the barrier–i attribute this issue to the fight me, fuck me, be me issue. through centuries of being assigned (inaccurate) roles as second class citizens in patriarchal societies, there’s a very subconscious wounded ego issue with women that translates an underlying insecurity to the evolution of women. once upon a time, we were recognized for our true essence, our connectivity to life force; but the wrong script has distracted us from our true essence and made us forget. we bought a bad piece of propaganda as our reality, so to speak. women who are more open tend to be either more conscious of this ghost of ego pain and so they know it is not a true part of their core identity and can disentangle it, or they are so naive, they step above it without realizing it hinders many women, because they don’t relate to it (“woman” = negative connotations). i know it took me years to separate the role from who i was as a person and understand that it’s not mine. a woman who can harness her connection to mystical rhythms and their emotional depths can harness the mystery behind weather and storms. just as with the cycle of life, we can create life and sentience out of non-life. spiritually, we can influence outcomes beyond the mundane world.

i do talk to women. i’m always relieved to meet a “sister.” real women. strong, open, beautiful women who speak truthfully, expansively, rather than through their human wounds, wounds that often aren’t even theirs personally, but a traditional psychosomatic cultural/social scar created by infant cultures driven by fear. it’s not about the sex or gender, but about the soul of a person, and the level of self-awareness they’re on. someone who understands their true identity and the nature of this world we’re opening, won’t have time for the petty shit. they will know a projection from a truth. and even though we are all part human and emerged from the reins of these illusions, our beings are the truth, and even when we fall, we quickly rise back towards our recognition of truth. that said, I don’t have time anymore to battle swords with illusions. i need to get as far as i can without wasting time or getting distracted.

i don’t care whether the people i connect with deeply and truthfully are men or women. i am only in it to create an opening of greater awareness, which creates a greater opening of my own awareness, which i in turn bring into future reactions. it’s a cycle that’s building something. it’s not just about me, because it goes beyond me, though because we are all connected, i and all future manifestations of i (and you) will benefit.

in terms of life partnerships, sexual explorations, i’m pretty fixed. surprisingly because gemini’s are known for being sexually fluid (it’s a dimension of our androgyny), my fluidity seems to run the spectrum of feminine/masculine energy balance within men, but my interest is limited to men. i’ve felt great love towards women, but no sexual curiosity. i feel it has less to do with my being closed to a woman, but because deep down, i was born into this world knowing who i’m looking for and his currently physical manifestation, even if unconsciously at this stage, i haven’t been able to raise a full picture of him in my head yet. it’s the same way i’ve never felt anything for blue eyes or blond hair. inherently, i know these physical attributes are not him. now whether he’s dark-haired white, black, asian, hispanic, whether he has green, hazel, brown eyes…i haven’t been able to narrow it down. i suspect he’s not asian because asian men do not approach me. it’s quite the phenomenon. unless that is the surprise, if he’s the one asian who will. my guess is he’s white with dark hair and there’s something about his eyes.

but i’m not fixed on the form. all that matters is that it’s him. i will know him by his being.

a writer i met in amsterdam told me that when he gets out of the navy, he wants to take a road trip across the us and visit hometowns of famous american writers, drinking what they drank when they wrote (careful of the bukowski black hole). every writer has a vice. some say it’s what gives them the juice to write. as a fellow writer, i say, it’s whatever they need to contain the voices in their head long enough to release them in an orderly fashion. i often wonder, are writers those who bring life to voices? or those trying to silence the voices which haunt them? are we bringing spirits to life or are we releasing ghosts?

if ryan wants to go to fremont and drink what i drink when i write, he’ll be drinking gatorade. even in creative endeavors, i’m still an athlete at heart.

by the way, i made a graph:

standing up………………..sitting down…………….laying down

julia’s power graph

Yes, it is a parabola. I find that my power is at its peak when I am standing up or laying down, but not so much while sitting. Infer what you will. This is science.

Episode 9 of Season 4 of Bones is outstanding. They’ve definitely gotten fresh blood with the writing because the characters have really great depth and their relationships are endearing. I went to school with one of the writers. I had certain reactions to him, but it’s hard for me to understand if it was a negative reaction towards the way he used his power or childish envy. But it was a strong reaction.

The first few seasons of Bones I watched out of mild entertainment and obligation (I like to keep abreast with media to know what’s interesting the collective masses). There was one season that had a god-awful twist. And then recently, it changed. Whereas before, the show seemed run by adolescent boys (want to know the work of an adolescent writer? Remember how boys talk about sex when they pretend they have but really haven’t? That’s the mark of adolescence in writing. Every writer will experience it when they’re challenged out of their comfort zone, but Bones wasn’t great for a while because of it). Now there’s such a beautiful God running that world. An understanding of the best parts of each character, their heart and soul, and bringing them to the surface like a sun magnet. I can always see in a man’s eyes when he has a good woman in his life. The same, I can always tell characters who have a writer who loves them and understands their evolution, wanting to challenge them while bringing out the best of their nature.

Great job, Bones. Whoever brought about this change in you, is a keen and powerful writer.

You’re a Taurus, aren’t you?