Echo

today i am humbled. i am alive and well. my heart is overflowing with love for the universe and everyone in it. a big smile and a beam of light into the sky.

We’re just a million little gods causing rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust.
(So let’s just stop it)

Why has everything gone back to Arcade Fire since the Alaska Cruise?

I finished writing the last post about what happened yesterday, and this song came on the radio. I wanted to look up the lyrics because it fit well with what I was writing, but I didn’t know what it was. It sounded like Arcade Fire, so I looked it up, and indeed, it was. A song called Wake Up, which played on the radio as I wrote about awakening. It’s on an album I’ve had for years, but I don’t know the song. The lyrics fit eerily with the things I was telling the guy yesterday.

We walked by this old stone arch with no gate. People were standing around it in raincoats, waiting for the bus. We had been talking about how people are closed, they stick to their projections and sometimes never get down to speaking eye to eye with truth to another human being. I said, “Look at that arch. It just stands there. Even if you put a gate with a giant lock on it, what would be the use? It’s an arch with no walls. You put a bolted gate on it, I can still just walk around it. It’s the same thing with people. They put up these walls, they’re so closed. But we share the same world. We share the same being. So these walls people put up are like the arch with a bolted gate. Anyone can still get in because we’re all connected. So why bother putting so much investment and fear into pointless locks and walls and gates and the illusion of them, when every one of us is wide open? Fear is only as great as fear itself. Truth is complex, both beautiful and tragic, bitter and sweet, but at least with truth, you are never alone because in truth, we are all connected.”

I also realized, I’ve gotten really into Arcade Fire since this new chapter started. Never really paid attention to them. The song that fit everything together when I got off the cruise was Cold Wind. Last time, it was only the lyrics to Black Mirror that could soothe me. Perhaps there’s a creative alignment here. It’s inspiring. Comforting.

Somethin’ filled up
my heart with nothin’,
someone told me not to cry.

But now that I’m older,
my heart’s colder,
and I can see that it’s a lie.

Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little gods causin rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’ to be
when the reaper he reaches and touches my hand.

With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am goin’
With my lighnin’ bolts a glowin’
I can see where I am go-goin’

You better look out below!

-Arcade Fire, Wake Up

things strangers share

“i saw you watching that kid at the bus stop. i was trying to catch you to see if you wanted to get a coffee with me,” he said, an edge of panic to his voice. “then you turned left so fast into the street and that bike hit you. Was it because of me?”

i had suddenly turned left to cross the street, because i had noticed him following me and this was my evasive measure (sudden change in direction, duck into a public place).

“if you were trying to catch me to get coffee, then getting hit by a bike is kind of embarrassing,” i laugh.

he can’t believe i’m not hurt. the rider was catapulted off his bike a bit of a distance and had been pretty shaken up. i’d felt really bad about the accident and apologized profusely. the rider kept asking if i was okay and i said i was fine, so he took off. i think he realized he was more shaken up than i seemed, but i’m just stoic about pain…my left leg was throbbing in the places where the bike had struck me, and i suspected that i was bleeding under my knee. he’s probably cussing me out tonight.

“you made a perfect landing,” the guy following me said. “i can’t believe you’re not hurt. he was flying down the street. you couldn’t have landed any better than that.”

he was looking at me like he was afraid any moment, when the shock wore off, i might collapse.

“i have cat-like reflexes,” i said. but i know, deep down, i’m very lucky.

“i was just trying to ask you if you wanted to grab coffee or lunch,” he said.

we suddenly burst out laughing about the situation, until we both had tears in our eyes.

“that was crazy, what just happened,” i said almost to myself. ” this is the shit that happens to me all the time.”

“accidents?” he asked.

“no, that was the first time i’ve been hit by a bike. but just, really random unbelievable things. welcome to my world,” i said.

“your world is incredible,” he said. “i can’t believe you’re not hurt.”

*****

he came with me all the way to the waterfall garden, which had been where i was headed. he told me about how he has always had a way of thinking he should be in a place, and somehow, life just brings him there. he believes i’m magic because he’s glimpsed my world and his belief slipped him into it. he’s also looking at me like he’s afraid the moment he loses sight of me, this world will disappear. i believe he’s magic (either he’s awakening, or he’s already aware), because he can see me…not just julia or another faceless human like a movie extra in the background of a scene, but me. i tell him this world, is so real…real life is stranger and more synchronized than fiction. that most people live in projections, like actors playing out various scenes, so they don’t see everything that is actually around them until they stop buying into illusions. we spend a couple of hours together and i never answered his question, about getting a cup of coffee together. he stays as long as i don’t tell him to go. i’m wary of him because i don’t know him, but i welcome the company because we ask each other a lot of questions. i ask him what time it is. i tell him i’m 10 minutes late…i have to go say goodbye to an old friend. he comes with me, street after street, the heavy clouds overhead, wet, people like the whispering trees of a forest. we get there in time to see the boat making its way towards the horizon. i sit on a stone ledge and watch that familiar giant body move through the gray water, parting the fog. my heart is flooding.

“were you saying goodbye to an actual person?,” he asked.

“the boat,” i said. “it symbolizes something positive and meaningful to me. the end and beginning of a new chapter of my awakening.”

he watches me watch the boat with a respectful silence. the breeze whips the air around us.

“is this something you do a lot? come out here and watch this boat go?”

i laugh. i can just see this image he has in his head of me, this melancholy solitary figure in black faithfully bidding farewell to a ghost ship. like a heartbroken widow or something.

“this is the last time it’ll be here. it’s not always here, it’s just been docking here the last few weeks, but this is the last time. it just felt really fitting that a day like this should end with me saying goodbye to this boat.”

we watch the horizon.

“where’s it going?”

the wind swirls loose paper in circles on the sidewalk.

“no idea.”

*****
he promised that my accident wouldn’t be in vain, that it had inspired him to buy a notebook and write about his life. he said meeting me made him realize that the magic in life is real and that without realizing it, he’s been on a quest of some sort, even if he’s not sure what it is exactly he’s seeking. and he thinks it’s time he starts writing it down, and feeling okay in believing that there’s a deeper meaning in life. so many people will say this–it’s a product of the jolt that opens their eyes, even if briefly–but as soon as the initial surprise and inspiration wear off, they sometimes go back to a state of routine numbness and role-playing. but some do follow through, using this opening to raise their awareness to new levels, finding new doorways of their potential, becoming aware of a wider range of beauty and magic in the world. it really becomes an awakening. i hope steve follows through. especially since i realized that because i’d already noted him following me, there was no way he could have talked to me without me thinking he was a creep. i wouldn’t have been open to it. getting hit by a bike and him coming to help me, was probably the only way the universe could open a window that would allow me to feel safe enough to talk to him. it made me wonder if this connection, on some cosmic level, was non-negotiable in the eyes of the universe.

*****

we parted on a handshake.

“until fate crosses us again.”

i don’t know if we’ll see each other again. my gut feeling is that the most important component had already been put into motion so we were done…if we were to see each other again, it will be far down the road as an epilogue to compare results of the meeting.

i walked home. i did take a roundabout way despite my knee hurting and kept checking through store windows, etc. to make sure i wasn’t being followed. i collapsed as soon as i close my front door, all public eyes finally off me. now i can feel everything. my body, that old stoic, faithful horse, feels broken. i finally check my leg and it’s swollen and cut below the knee (bled through my pants) and on my upper thigh, but nothing too serious. nothing broken (got bones of steel). i’m proud of how tough my body was today.

i spent the rest of the night happily on the couch.