Echo

One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away
Both under influence
We had divine sense
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

-jose gonzalez

whoa. the storming wind just died down like someone turned down the power to a giant fan. that was weird.

the lone operator
the ultimate team player
but totally self-sufficient

in fight club, he was tired all the time because during the times he thought he was sleeping, he was awake as tyler durden.

i am tired all the time because when i’m sleeping, i’m having these dreams where i’m having interactions with people that demand attention. maybe fight club was about a manifestation of an other on the same plane. maybe we manifest just as substantial others on different ones. all i know is, i seem to find the people i meet later on, in those dreams.

have you ever slept with a ghost?

that’s what brought us together.

like moonlit sex in a deserted industrial landscape.

with a ghost.

sing along if you know the words…

I just made you up…to hurt myself.
I just made you up…to hurt myself.
I just made you up…to hurt myself.
I just made you up…to hurt myself.
I just made you up…to hurt myself.

I’m becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I’m losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn’t really matter anymore
(no it doesn’t really matter anymore)
No it doesn’t really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it’s because
Because you were never really real…to begin with.

I just made you up…to hurt myself
I just made you up…to hurt myself
I just made you up…to hurt myself
I just made you up…to hurt myself
I just made you up…to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only…
Only…
Only…
Only…

-the question is, does this song come at the beginning or the end? maybe the climax…

letting go:

a confession

the dumbest guy i ever dated was the one who thought he was the smartest.

cheers, moron.

even you get a kind thought, tonight.

so i felt today would be a letting go day. yesterday was the first time i openly talked about what happened with my friend. it has always pissed me off that i was willing to give him such a genuine friendship and he talked so much shit about me. i know it reflected more how he felt about himself than me, but the fact that he did all that because i wouldn’t let him use me as an instrument of implosion was just very disappointing. in deep, quiet places, it did make me sad.

talking about it is probably me letting it go. i can’t let these things diminish my faith that people are inherently kind. that even though our human side does bad things out of fear or not seeing things clearly, i can ultimately trust myself to take care of myself when things don’t seem right. i try to remember that i have a close circle who know me and let me be me, that when people use me for their dramas or bully me into their games, i understand the situation and i deal with it accordingly. i have to remember that it’s not about which people aren’t ready yet, but about those who are.

does your last name add up to 9?

Man, every time I hear that Star Trek theme, I know I used to love this show and watch it a lot. But I can’t for the life of me remember anything about it except for random snaps.

Memory, has always been the most fascinating thing for me. I guess I am at heart a scientist of memory. Maybe a little mad scientist at times. But I just really want to know...

what is my question.

I ask all these questions because I’m trying to figure out my original question. And then the rest of my life is built upon that, in this grand play that is human existence.

My car had a flipout today. Just shorted out, deciding to engage a program that puts it in lock down mode as if someone’s trying to steal it. It locked down outside my gym, with my gym stuff in the trunk. It wouldn’t even allow me to open the trunk manually with a key.

You know what it reminds me of? When my brother flips out. It’s like his brain just short circuits and he needs to close down completely and reboot. And you have to give him the time and space to do that. The less space you have, the more time he needs. The less time we have to keep people away, the more space we need between him and other people. I guess that sheds light on the way I see time and space.

The tow company had to come out and jump me. It was a woman who looked and sounded like a man, but I liked her. She had an honest heart. I told her all the problems I’ve had with it, how it’s possessed like Christine, and then I get worried that she gets mad because she knows how much shit I talk about her. The woman was empathetic though. These cars are like that sometimes, she said. I could tell she was a woman who has seen her share of unbelievable things. Maybe that’s why I liked her.

I missed my building’s movie night. There was gonna be pizza. I actually got home in time to go, but just enjoyed spending time unwinding alone.

I don’t understand exactly what I am, but I give it to you straight. If anything, I’m honest. I do my best with people but people have to be a little forgiving too, because I am a shy person. I believe that the people who claim most aggressively that they don’t know me, are usually the ones who have never really asked me questions to get to know me. But they don’t see that. I am unknowable because I don’t yet know myself, but I am knowable, because my being is honest. And these two sides have waged a life-long colossal battle to touch each other, like two repelling magnets convinced that with enough effort they can touch. I refuse to buy that they can’t. That’s why I said, there’s no greater distance than between two halves of the same whole. They may be the closest to each other, but they are also the furthest away.

We are just projections of opposing polarities. Tension creates energy. Life. Anima. Animus. But each polarity is just as you as the other. You look for each other as hard on the outside as you do on the inside. Some are just more aware of it than others.