Settling down has always felt like settling. The problem is that I don’t think it, I feel it which makes it harder to untangle. It’s tied to my system which ensures my physical, psychological and emotional survival. What if there was a way to create an unorthodox kind of stability in a way that didn’t trigger these feelings? The next two years I’m supposed to be working on undoing instinctual patterns of survival from birth or before that no longer serve me. Which explains why all roads have led back to Fremont, the source of my deepest conflicts.
There tend to be 3 arenas where I feel stress–home, work, relationship. If I don’t stay vigilant in my consciousness of the exact sources of my stress, I tend to want to disentangle myself from everything to ensure I unshackle myself from what’s drowning me. That means when life stress becomes amorphous and overwhelming enough, I tend to look suspiciously at all 3 arenas and have trouble distinguishing them from each other. Sometimes I break from the wrong one, or 2 or all, whether or not there was something wrong with the others.
This next stage is daunting. It’s hard enough to start a new job, move to a new city, start a new relationship. If I start all 3 simultaneously, it will either be my greatest challenge that will make me grow beyond my imagination, or this is an inner world self destruct. Am I being realistic here about what I can handle and still be able to look at myself and my life and like what I see? Is this a manifestation of a subconscious desire to self-destruct?
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