Echo

You know why I like Friday Night Lights so much? It’s a show about men. Becoming men, being men. And there’s no shortage of heart candy.

Kyle Chandler as Coach Taylor, to use an expression, fucks my shit up. I would go to battle for him.

Sooner or later, I need to hire a bodyguard.

There’s a part of me deep inside that wants what I want, when I want it, and will stop at no lengths to have it, should desire supersede restraint. It has taken me a long time to master restraint. It is not, nor will it ever be, one of my strengths. The best I can do is prevent the cultivation of desire, or to focus it in productive avenues. To be provoked feels exhilarating, terrifying and incredibly dangerous. I’m not sure I believe it’s a good thing. Sometimes in life, there are forces bigger than what people realize they can handle. Great power can both transform or destroy, sometimes simultaneously doing both. What’s light is not necessarily good, what’s dark is not necessarily bad. Does your curiosity supersede your judgment? Will my desire exceed my control?

Keep reaching for the goal, until you surprise yourself.

“We love…melancholy snipers.”

-Air
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Because I was hungry and you gave me a boost, I will find you the biggest apple in the tree.
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My capacity to listen to the same song for hours on end always astounds me.
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Ignore everything but the sound of my voice, it said, and trusting it, I handed over the reins to my hands.
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There is a place I have been, somewhere between waking and dream, where I feel closer to people than physically being with them.
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Yes, I am prepared that my partner and my domestic partner may be two different people. I am learning to come to terms with that if that is the case.
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The prophecy:

He must become him.

I will find him.

He will unlock me.

I will open him.

We will combine for next level perspective.

It was a matter left to good timing. Can two I’s who have not met on this side find the right time and place to meet, have the exact right tools to form the circle?
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The truth is, I’ve asked many people in my life who they can see being my partner, big enough and a fit enough to stand next to me that they say, “Yes, now the picture is complete.” And they’ll hem and they’ll haw and at the end, it’s obvious they can’t see someone either, can’t imagine him yet as a concrete person, even in abstract terms. Only that they’ll recognize him when they see us together. That means to me either I’m not there yet, or he isn’t that person yet.
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Young spirit, old soul. Keep your eyes on it.
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One is Saturn and the other Neptune.
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Barring a collapse, I’m going to run 10 miles today. My lungs are feeling a little weak from that cold I had, and I still have a mild lingering cough. I want it forced out.
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An eye that can see the entire universe has a right to be called the I of the Universe.
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I don’t want to be idealized. I want to be loved.
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When you know your heart is light,
Electric is the love.

I wouldn’t give him my number or take his number.

“It must be hard for you to find your one, huh?”

I laughed. I see his point. How do you find the one if you’re locked up in your castle. But it has to be this way. I have to know. Because I’m terrified that I won’t be able to be faithful to anyone but him. I fear that unless I find him, whoever I’m with, I’ll still look for him. And I can’t allow myself to care about someone and hurt him that way. I would most like to be with someone I am so wholely committed to and devoted to, that I know my search has ended. But if that’s not possible, I would rather be alone, than ever hurt a person who loves me.

I’ve always admired people who can express their creativity, their inner selves with spontaneity. It’s watching them, that I can really feel my Saturn block. Trying to work around it though. I just have to remember, the universe has a different purpose for me.