Echo

small towns have small town drama and small town problems.

My other friend Ryan posted this picture and I had to pass it on.

Peeps–the Delightfully Naughty Easter Candy

Terri sent me a thank you card with a haiku:

Julia is neat
A Badass in Seattle
I’m glad I know you.

Cute!

Maybe this synchronicity thing has been my complex but innovative resolution to address my loneliness issue. Everyone, including myself, often wonders who I’m writing to. It’s kind of like when I was a kid and I would talk to the night sky. I’m just sending these messages off into space. But then sometime in the future, I get redirected back to old posts through these synchronicities, or things that happen in the future are more interesting because I’d already written about them presciently. And it gets me all excited thinking, there’s something else in the world, there’s something out there, but it’s really just the echoes of me having a time-bending conversation with myself to keep myself from feeling alone. Well, they always say humans are great at finding ways to cope.

Why I like big cities and to travel, arriving as a stranger? Because it hides the fact I don’t really fit in anywhere. You live in a big city, or if you’re just traveling through, people assume that even if you don’t exactly fit in here, there’s an understandable reason. You’re not from here. That explains why you seem different. But if you’re living some place, and people see you day to day and start to realize, hey, she’s different…it’s a lot harder to hide.

My own family thinks I’m an alien. Maybe that’s a strong word, but they always say, “Where did you come from?” Which says a lot when I have Michael next to me, easily taking so much of the attention off me.

When I was young, I had a power. Over boys. They did what I told them. I seemed to always get what I want. It made my parents uncomfortable, and made the mothers of the boys extremely uncomfortable. But the thing was, those boys never did anything they didn’t want to do.

First you have to understand. My dad is a lone alpha and my mother’s an alpha. What else could I have been but an alpha? I was born into my type. Put me in any group of boys my age or younger, and I would emerge with the reins. They looked at me as a leader. And because I was also born with a sunny, magnanimous personality,  I wasn’t abusive with it.  It was persuasion, like hypnosis. You can’t make anyone do anything they’re morally or instinctively opposed to, and I never asked that of them. The worst of it was, if they got a new toy, I said, let me see it, and it was in my hands stat. The best of it was one hell of a fucking adventure (my mom said that every party used to end up with all the boys running around the house screaming like a pack of rabid wolves with me at the front, and it didn’t stop until someone had an asthma attack or someone got so overworked their nose bled. This really embarrassed my parents, how feral I could be).  I was driven by an insatiable curiosity, and they either believed in that cause or believed/trusted that following me would be to their best interest. And even if the result was we all got in trouble, they sometimes pointed a finger at me, but they never blamed me, at least not enough to not follow me again.

Well, as they say, there’s no such thing as an endless party. And that kind of power in a 5 year-old girl is probably scary, so my parents had Michael, who doesn’t do what ANYONE says. And they said, here you go, good luck.

Well, that’s not exactly how it happened but on some levels, it did. Whereas I never conceived of a force I couldn’t handle or tame, life suddenly tamed me, from every direction. And I lost my powers for a long time. I didn’t believe in myself anymore.

I’ve had some major unhappiness in my life, a lot of things that have made me look back at my childhood as being under an overcast sky. But I think about all the things that happened, and I realize that I wouldn’t be who I am today if those things hadn’t shaped me. Sometimes it’s our worst, most painful experiences that teach us the most, build the most out of us. I often think that these things do happen for a reason…maybe if my power had gone unchecked, by 3rd grade I would have been a queen bee BITCH. When you have power but lack maturity, it’s so easy to misuse power. But I didn’t have the opportunity. I learned the value of kindness, that it is the most precious thing on earth.  I learned the value of compassion for the same reason. I learned about fairness, acceptance, and standing up when you get knocked down because there’s no other option. I learned sometimes it’s about giving second chances as much as it’s about getting.

3 years ago, the power started coming back. I started believing in myself again. I think it’s different now. Whereas, when I was younger, there was nothing to restrain me, the world taught me values and responsibility first, what it’s like to have no power, and be bullied for it. I was angry for a long time, I was filled with hate and vengeance, but when I understood that these things weren’t real, the past didn’t change me, didn’t brand me and I could be whoever I wanted to be, I let all those things go. It’s more important for me to feel positive, to be light. And through that transformation, I started to be able to see my potential. 3 years ago, I started to get my power back.

I would like for this not to be a trick.  I’ve risen up before, only to be knocked down by people smaller than me who feared me. If the world will let me unleash, I am willing to show that I will use my power responsibly and reasonably humbly, that what I dedicate myself to is transformation in the name of healing. That has always been my chosen path. To comfort and heal. I promise I will not start a religion, though I may pass on “teachings,” but I will do my best to leave a positive and progressive legacy.

29 because I think that’s how old he’ll be.

what it’s like to experience words spatially.

it’s like the word literal. i know what the word literal means.

but within a word are so many abstract dimensions and meanings that are just as true as their surface ones, sometimes abstract can be literal, too. then if that’s the case, then what does the word “literal” really mean?

it’s like standing in a spot and drawing a circle with chalk. and all of a sudden, whoosh! that circle you drew is not just a circle on the ground anymore, but a circle on the ground AND a multi-dimensional sphere around you.

what’s black is black but also white as well, when it’s not black or when it’s black as well. <–if you can picture that statement, see that it’s not redundant, contradictory without being contradictory and actually defines a multi-dimensional “it,” spherical, magnetically polarized by forces of opposition and entirely cohesive, then you can see how words are perceived by me. Words look this way, but string them together into sentences and it looks like a dimensional triangle of spherical entities. They echo, all around their two dimensional form. That’s why I prefer white words and a dark background. It’s easier to actually see the echo, than the other way around, which flattens the words.

my friend ryan whose birthday it is today, was the one who thought i had synesthesia, but i think it’s something else. it’s not just perceiving the world through multiple simultaneous senses. it’s like an entire, collective perception of a deeper dimension all around than is perceived by the normal human senses, and i’m using one heightened sense to perceive that level.

where words are windows and people are doors, in theory, i should never be lonely because everywhere i am, i have a place to go.

except i am, when i have no one i can talk to.

i’m good at connecting things. ideas, memories, people, words. that’s often how i’m able to feel out lies. sometimes things don’t connect. sometimes they connect in places that aren’t the person’s intent. then you’re very aware, hey, there’s a discrepancy.

This song has been with me many a 3am.

Life’s a gun that’s always pointing…
Life’s a gun that’s pointing in my face…

someone’s found a way…to break into my mind…

I must have pheromones going today. I just left the coffeehouse and there was a pair of pink panties on the sidewalk.

I thought that was funny so I took a picture of it, but was embarrassed when a guy walking by caught me. Someone lost their underwear, he said and I laughed. I was walking in his direction and we crossed the street when he suddenly turned around and said, hi. I said hi. He asked where in this area would be a good place for a single guy to grab a drink. I don’t know this area well so I said I didn’t know. Just then a girl walking by bailed me out by asking if he needed directions. He asked her where a single guy with NO ATTACHMENTS could go to get a drink and as she pointed out a place, I took the opportunity to say have fun and slip away.
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Tomorrow never comes until it’s gone.
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He was wearing a Boise State jacket. I was staring trying to remember some game of theirs I’d watched years ago. He saw and said wow, which made me smile. Came over, said he had to come over because of my smile and asked if I was single. I said kind of because yes always gets me in trouble. He asked for my phone number. I gave some convoluted story about being out here to isolate myself for writing and one of the stipulations was I don’t give out my number, realizing how douchey it all sounds. He asked if I’ve read the Sacred Writer and I wrote it down then he left without saying goodbye. The end.
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Heads up everyone, particularly Gemini and Virgo. Mercury retrograde coming up so careful from April 5th until May 15th. Back up your computer, don’t sign contracts, don’t make any major decisions, be careful of miscommunications. Watch the past rise up into the present. Good luck.
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Sometimes personality is a force, like a massive bunch of balloons filled with helium on a stormy day, that’s just too much for one person to hold on to.
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he asks me to write him a poem and then he falls asleep!

For those who asked, this site has the best monthly forecast. I don’t deal much with predictive astrology because of its stigma, though it’s not so much the planets determining things, which is silly, but more so patterns using the planets in motion as point of reference symbols. I believe astrology has got a handle on patterns. And I also think there’s a lot of stuff out there that’s just too loose, general or straight up wrong. But this forecast is always interesting and worth the read at the beginning of each month.

Also interesting, someone told me that they took class at their college teaching them how to create and read astrological natal charts to assess personality. That’s incredible. Psychology benefits so much from studying astrological natal charts. Even Carl Jung did extensive work studying the astrological archetypes in connection with the psyche. The same as how Western medicine benefits from integrating the concepts and homeopathic treatments of Eastern medicine.

Here’s some insight into my process. I think of this world as being full of information. I can’t possibly take in all of the information, so I have to pick and choose what information to take in, and from that information, what information has meaning to me. I find that sometimes when I’m taking in information, it’s like being a caterpillar. I take in all this information from wherever I can, reading books and watching TV and movies nearly every waking hour. Some of it has no meaning, some of it has meaning that I understand later in hindsight, some of it sparks right away. What often happens is what random information I take in, has value later on in the future. The example I usually give of this phenomenon, is like one day, I’ll be sitting in a waiting room and randomly pick up a magazine and read an article about polar bears. Whatever. Two days later, I’m in a conversation, and someone mentions polar bears which I happen to know a lot about because I just read an article. I have good short term memory but this stuff that’s not important to me doesn’t stick, so if that conversation had happened say, a year from reading that article, I would know nothing about polar bears. As in general, I know nothing. But because I happened to read that article, I happened to have the exact tool I needed to look brilliant at that exact moment. I know the jig is now up. You are all realizing that this previously brilliant Asian girl you’ve adored is actually an idiot, but happens to have a really quirky sense of timing.

Okay, all that said, I want to review the place I’m at now, this juncture I seem to enjoy calling March/April. My first blog reference seems to be in November.

But I felt like I had pinpointed March/April even earlier than November. It had to have been September, because it was after the Mercury made its surprise visit, and then me looking out to see what was next, and feeling that I wouldn’t have a partner until at least August, and March/April being lit up (though I could never derive any clues as to why). Then I remember when Christian had given me the book, he had first inscribed the date as April, and quickly crossed it out saying, “I don’t know why I wrote April.” I remember it having quite a bit of meaning for me, but only commenting that April is supposed to be interesting, because his writing April had sparked my own recent mysterious fascination with March/April (will have to check my free-write notebook for that time period to see what else I was tossing around). It made me think that his writing April was a sign I shouldn’t read the book until at least March for the March/April period, which is why I waited the way I did. And the truth was, I wouldn’t have gotten as much out of it if I had read it then. And I was tempted to, but I never even opened it outside of reading the inscription. In December, I was again tempted but didn’t, and in January, I’d wanted to bring it with me to read while I recovered from surgery, and I still wanted to wait. At earliest, it really did have to be March for me to get as much out of it as I am.

So seeing that I was tuned into March/April in November enough to post about it, I went through the posts the day before and after (thank you, webmaster).

From the day of. Interesting song lyrics. Sounds like I was lonely that night.

From the day before. Two things that seem interesting to me. 1. The lone wolf post. 2. The song lyrics. Motifs that were touched upon this month.

Yet, I was pretty sure in September I would have no partner until at least through this August. I still feel that could be the case, but there’s something brewing in April.

For example, Who am I expecting to cross paths with again in April? I’m in Seattle all April, unless I can find a way to visit a missile silo. Which I still need to read about. But I seem to think it’s someone I know. Unless I’m talking to the mystic You, then who knows. It could be someone new who feels really familiar, the way these connections all start.

Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe I just go through the same themes and thoughts and songs and then every time they come around again, it reminds me of something when really, I’m just going in the same circles. I don’t know. But for some reason, everything that happened last fall (probably from the cruise, through moving to Seattle, through my progression through fall) was tied to this time period for some inexplicable (as of now) reason. Because I remembered when I looked out through time in September, I saw a challenging, gray period stretching until August (which is always red and therefore lit up), and March/April which showed up electric but without any other clues.

What does any of this mean?

I just remembered this story tonight. Years ago, my mom was giving me a hard time about when I could bring home a “nice boy” and I apologized to her that I would most likely never bring home a “boy” to meet them. I told her that whoever I end up with will be a man. And he’d be older. Not necessarily older than me, but if he’s younger, I won’t meet him until he’s old enough and a man enough to meet me.

Sometimes I wonder if saying that made her cry in private that night.

Yeah, that thought makes me feel bad, but there’s nothing I can do. I didn’t even date boys when I was a young girl. It would hardly be appropriate for me to start now.

I thought it was funny that, given my analogy of the creative process being like giving birth, that the only DVD I had on this trip was from Season 2 of the Sarah Silverman Show. The show is okay…crazy irreverent, but there’s always one or two episodes that just blows your mind. That episode this season just happened to be the one where Sarah’s friends force her to realize the fact that she’s 9 months pregnant. And what she gives birth to is shocking.

I highly recommend this episode be watched. Because of this recommendation, I won’t give away what happens, but here’s her recap at the end of the show:

Sarah is sitting in bed, giving her dog, Doug, a massage.

“A lot happened these past few days, Doug. I mean, I had a baby, I won a go-kart race, I peed on a stick. You would have liked that. I guess I’m happy being a mother. I mean, my child is disgusting and I hope I never see him again, but still…they say that when parents feel that way it builds a child’s character so…maybe he’ll grow up to be some bigshot CEO or a revered trumpetist.”

And then since she doesn’t know who the father is:

“Sorry for the bulk email. I know it’s lame but I just found out I’m 9 months pregnant. Frowny face? Could you shoot me back if this might be yours? If you forward this email to 10 people, it will bring you good luck! JK! From, Sarah Silverman. Send.”

Can you imagine if I sent out a mass email like that?

“I’ve just given birth to a 281 page baby, in the genre of fantastical modern romance, and I was wondering if it might be yours? If so, I was wondering if you would like to have copious amounts of sex with me, so I can deal with the postpartem depression of having to send the writing out into the world.”

Love it. First, 256 pages to go.