Echo

I’m the kind of person who likes being in a partnership. In fact, that’s the state that brings out the best in me. I need a certain amount of space to myself, but l like doing things together, Both big and small. I like having someone to share life experiences and moments with. I like pal-ing around. But I don’t need a partnership to function if a good one doesn’t exist. I know I thrive in a partnership but I can survive on my own. I know I’m not afraid to be alone because I like myself, learned to like and accept myself. Just would prefer to have a good partner if one is available. I don’t really trust people who cant be alone. I’m not saying people who can’t be alone are bad people. Just makes you wonder why they can’t be alone.

My great aunt told me at lunch all men are unfaithful and women just have to deal with it. You’re too strong for them, she said. Only the weak ones, I said. And they’re not worth my time anyway.
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To balance out the dark energy I have reached out to Parkson positively and bridged the past. I can’t even remember anymore why I got mad at him in the first place. Perhaps it is a sacrifice.
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Just caught one. Looked like a few of the boys I’ve recently met in one. I looked surprised. It made him double take. Caught him looking at me as I tried to look at him. Buzzed head. Bull shoulders. Looked away. But noted. This is a long flight.

Michael can’t find his passport. Gets anxious. I go out to help him. I’d made sure to watch where he’d put it. Check your backpack, I say. He opens a zipper. Could it be here?, he said, and found it. His relief is almost comical. He threw his hands in the air. “My passport was hiding from me!”
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First thing I’m gonna do is get a camera in taipei. My first Asian. Then I’m gonna break him in.
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All’s good in the hood.

I’m in the Evergreen Lounge at San Francisco Airport. My brother and I on the loose. He’s already asked an attendant to make him some soup. Michael has an incredible way of getting what he wants.

I’ve discovered there is something definitely over Fremont. A general unconsciousness. The sky gets a little too close sometimes.

The minute I got safely out, I relaxed. Can look at it with objectivity. The question now is not IF there is something there. It’s a strong force. It’s if I can withstand it and do what I need to do. Or is it to not go back at all? Is this my 2nd chance to apply to the University of Hawaii?

Taiwan is tropical storms. The most powerful moments come in my life while standing under the rain, asking giant questions. There are things I need to know.

I’m using several anchors now. Thank you very much, Cecilia and Sebastian from Mexico. You give me faith in kindness, and it’s what I need.

Do not be surprised at how quickly I disappear.
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If you ask me, the bridge was 2 degrees short, but I still believed it could be bridged and was looking for a way. But at the end of the day it didn’t matter because it was booby-trapped with explosives even before I got there. That might have been worth mentioning if he wasn’t so busy thinking about wanting to do the right thing instead of actually doing it. It’s almost like he needed me to be on the bridge in order to detonate. He used me. Even if he didn’t do it consciously. But he let himself do it. Same thing.

If you admit to a guy that you’ve cried over the relationship and his first thought is he’s flattered because you care, throw down a red flag. He doesn’t even have to say anything–watch his face; it’ll tell you everything. You are basically admitting pain and rather than be concerned for your welfare, his instinct is what it means for him. This is a man who will forever put himself before other people. It’s almost more respectable when a man is selfish and can consciously admit it. It’s exponentially worse when a man goes out of his way to see himself as self-sacrificing to a fault, when really it’s all about him and his internal drama. I never trust people who go too far out of their way acting like they do everything for other people. This means this person either has no healthy boundaries, or he’s lying to cover up that everything he does is really motivated by his own feelings and needs.

I can not believe this is what you decided to do with me.

I don’t, in a million years, believe that you’re naive.

And then I smiled up to the sky, looked at the stars and said, let’s touch the -ian’s!

One of the things that makes me furious is how someone can think “wanting” to be honest is the same as being honest. If the words didn’t come out of your mouth willingly, if you didn’t make a CHOICE to put your honesty into words and action, then trying to pass off wanting to do the right thing for doing the right thing and expecting credit is just plain cowardly. And to keep hiding behind the excuse that you wanted to to be honest and “planned” for it and therefore I have no right to be angry for having gotten hurt is manipulative. You’re taking advantage of my trust.
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Maybe you weren’t “fucking” her anymore, but you were still dating her. So shut the fuck up.
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It happened just like with David. I suddenly realized I was asking him if he keeps secrets, and he said, everyone keeps secrets. I remember finding it strange my mouth asked that. Then it came up again and he held his fingers a small space apart and said, “Little things.” Either he was severely fooling himself, which makes his decision-making ability questionable, or he was deceiving me, which means he is willing to sacrifice our trust to protect his secrets.

Either way, this is not merely an issue of poor communication. It was a matter of, even last month when I was in town, I should have never been in that position. Neither woman should have ever been in that position. To be mad just because it blew up this weekend is to be mad at the ash that rains down after you set a volcano to explode.

I’m not competing with a man’s issues. It’s rude to even put me in that position. It should have never even come as far as this weekend. He should never have pulled me in.

Rie said what’s most infuriating was that he innocently told me they were going to hang out and took advantage of my good faith by claiming she was just a friend. She would have cut off his balls at that point. It’s complete emotional deception. She said I’m too kind. I am too kind. The kindest thing I can do is walk away. Keep poking me in the back and things get far less kind.

Your body may be gone, I’m gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both live again.
Well I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. Don’t think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I’ll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn’t you waste the afterlife?

This is what people who compartmentalize look like on the inside.

Stop drinking and deal.
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I’m so sick of secrets.
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Some people are open-minded, but fixed in their open-mindedness.
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If I were as honest as I was on my blog, I would mention when he threw her kitten on the ground because he wanted to destroy something she loved.

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