Echo

Michael shares my ability to listen to the same songs over and over again. Except he’s merciless. I hear his songs in my dreams.

One day all measurements of worth could be thrown up in the air and you are going to have to quickly decide what has value to you.

Be good, children.
Be big and good.

My favorite Chinese word is bearcat.

People are a lot more alike as children. And then as their personal worlds assume them, they start coming from different places. 2012 is possibility of end of world “as we know it.” I’ve been noticing my metaphors. And the synchs around me.

I’m thankful that I chose a challenging beginning that taught me character and perspective before I realized my power.

Hey Jake!
I let the day lead me and I think I figured it out. It’s about big picture and little picture and not being able to save everybody. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve been able to separate being helpful as a living from my focused personal path where I aimed my hopes and dreams. I’m always searching for truth in really big philosophical ways and many of the things I find tell me that it’s really important to be a kind person to the best of my ability in every moment and every interaction. Sometimes people want to be attached and I’m only willing to if it positively serves both people mutually. Close relationships need to allow both people to be the people they are as they become the people they are trying to be. But my family background and role give me a real vulnerability to obligation. Is it the cuckoo or the dodo who would sneak their eggs into the eagle’s nest and the eagle would end up feeding their young as their own, sometimes inadvertently starving their own? I often feel that relationships have a right time, place and distance that can be perceived as an organic thing, like the energy between two dancers that moves them as much as they create it. Most of the time we’re trying to fit ourselves into It, or our idea of what it should be, instead of letting every relationship be what it naturally seems and evolve the way it naturally evolves, and allow them to fill the spaces or roles you need. It seems like the clearest way for each person to want what they get when they get what they want,because there will be a natural fit, and all you have to do is recognize it and try to be true to it.

I do like being helpful but I’m never going to let anyone pull me off my path because I often feel what I’m working on, what my life’s purpose has single-mindedly directed me towards, is bigger than me and I owe it to a lot of people to believe in myself enough to make it happen. And so I can’t let people attach to me in any way that would pull me off my path. The people in my life who care about me and whom I care about allow me that freedom and trust to define the relationships openly. And I do my best to honor them. But I also know that any relationship be it friendship or romantic that is being forced out of what it naturally should be will not be good for anyone involved.

Sometimes I wish people would trust me more, even though I’m the first to admit I don’t have all the answers or know what It is yet. But my instincts are good when I trust them. Sometimes the optimal connection where you really get the best out of someone isn’t ideally where you would like it, but you have to appreciate it for what it is. If there is a role you want filled, let it come to you and give it space to land, and it will be exactly what you want because it’s exactly where it fits. This is how I’ve been living my life the past few years and it has been amazingly positive, relieving and fulfilling. But then someone makes me feel guilty because they want to be in a role that I would be more than happy to give them if they were right, but there has to be a natural fit. And when they start forcing it and it becomes unnatural, I know it’s not right. Maybe it’s not the person but the timing, and if that’s the case, no one has to worry–if you’re meant to be you’ll be there when it’s the right time, if it’s not, you’ll each find someone who is, so it’s win-win. There’s no point in burning a bridge. Trust the system. But when people run a positive connection into the ground, it makes me feel like they never believed in the possibility in the first place. I am just as guilty of this. But it doesn’t stop me from being sad. Why don’t we believe in ourselves as so much bigger?

Thanks, Jake, for being my partner in this existential understanding. I think the reason I was fixated on this question of what happened was because I’m trying to understand something on a bigger level, and I felt there was some kind of important reflection in there. Even metaphorically. Travel is great for taking you out of perspective because you mess up linear perception–out of time, out of space. And suddenly you’re putting things together differently. Or at least you have the opportunity to. I was thinking about you and how far we’ve come, from when you were Chill and I was clueless, to our lives in the present moment. Where we are, what we’ve experienced, all the big and small moments of life, the people, the story lines, the millions of different evolving threads that led us away from ourselves and back. How much motion is happening in the world around us on infinite levels from the molecular to the majestic, how much we are constantly moving and changing on infinite levels inside us, and yet, throughout all that sheer space and ordered chaos, there are those connections that remain familiar and safe. That’s such an amazing thing.

I hope you have an amazing life.