Echo

Just gave my two movie passes to my mom to see Iron Man 2. And going down to LA on Sunday for the Miike Snow show. Amazing how suddenly plans can fall apart. Always be humble. Life changes without notice.
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My cousin Edison asked me how old I am.

How old do you think I am?

25. Or 26, he said.

Everyone thinks I’m 25 or 26.
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Guitar solos. At the right time of night. Are cool.
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Full moon. Maxwell. Dancing in the car where everyone could see me but no one’s here.
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So the guy told me he was careful about people he didn’t know. We happened to leave right after him. Followed him out of the parking lot in an SUV. I managed to turn the lights OFF, a rare mistake only because I was driving my dad’s car. Followed him into a uturn, onto the freeway. Off the same exit. Hey, didn’t he say he lived by the lake? Realized lights in parked mode. Shit, how’d I manage to turn the lights from auto? Saw him make a u-turn to get back on the freeway. The guy grew up in the war. Did I somehow create this weird paranoid experience of following him with my lights off? If that’s the case, I hope he thinks I’m an alien agent versus a con artist or something. What a crazy scheme, he’ll tell his girlfriend tonight. She gets into my head with all these deep thoughts, and she’s got this huge dude sitting next to her, pretending to be autistic. They followed me but I lost em getting back on the freeway. Definite jackers. Who knows what they wanted. We should write an email warning our friends about them.
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Some people decide how they feel about people by watching them walk away. The one who breaks his heart is the one he wants. Behind him always lurks the ghost of the first girl he lost. And what if you tend to look good walking away? Find the guy whose heart breaks a hundred brilliant times a day in the happiest of ways every time he sees you coming.
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Sometimes people like us change size in our sleep. Remember what I said about my hands from my dream? I can do that with my hands. I’ve only been able to do it at night, alone. But on Monday night, I did it awake, with my mom sleeping next to me. My hands grew and touched the air and the world was as much between my hands as outside in the space I was sleeping in. And the more I could hold all of what was out there in my hands, the more the bigger me that I am only a part of woke up, realizing that the me in bed, was just the dream of a bigger me, as I was waking up. I even knew the room in which I was in, it has stairs going to an upstairs loft. I could almost pull myself into that world through giving it consciousness, but I wasn’t sure if I would have to let go of this world to commit to that world, or if it would mean me dying. I don’t want to lose this world yet. But being in that place reminded me that I’ve climbed to that level of awakedness before. That there are other levels around us that are just as real as this one that we like to return to.

Two things. My hands, on their own, were doing something above my body, manipulating energy. Also, my mind flooded with a chant- onya tancosah, tonsila tonsila. Even when I say those words today, they don’t have the magic. At that time, it was like a magnetic resonance within them, opening walls around me. I saw colors. And every time I made my hands bigger and I grasped the world around me with them, every time I felt myself rise higher as my body grew, my mom would gasp in her sleep. I saw my hands as big enough to hold the world as a ball. And my eyes were awake. I was both in this room, and beyond this world, huge. The next morning, Michael came out of his room with his necklace. “I don’t know what happened,” he said. “I woke up and the string got really long.”

He held it up-the string was frayed and stretched to the point it hadn’t broken, but it now hung down to his knees. Like he had grown huge briefly in his sleep.

Just yesterday I was wondering why I’ve been holding my one phrase of Bosnian. Probably because the Bosnian’s from Reno and he was so sneaky. Today Michael and I sat next to a man who started talking to me. He told me he’s Bosnian. I laughed. Told him my one Bosnian phrase (which means, how do I say this in Bosnian). He laughed and said that’s what people are always asking him.

So of course the conversation was special. At the end, he wished we would run into each other again in the future. But I am moving in as he is moving out. I wished him that this conversation put him in a better place.
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I’m sitting here, watching the moon from the center of my home, the one place I used to go in the middle of the night when I needed to be out of the house. It’s just hours after being told I don’t have cancer. I’ve only let myself cry once in the last couple of days, haven’t wanted to scare my mom, but it was just a few tears, emotions flooding to the surface. On my way to the bank this morning, listening to the radio and under the milky way followed yellow, followed by that song by my chemical romance about the dying boy with cancer. The last couple of days I could feel my emotions underneath, but more than anything it made me feel I needed to get ready, that now’s the time to show how much I believe in what’s bigger than me. The thought of losing my mother hurts me more than the thought of my own leaving. That’s how strongly I believe in my purpose.

When my home became violently unlivable, I would come here. I would be safe at Clubsport. Even if it was closed, I would sit and listen to music in the parking lot. I would sleep parked behind a nearby motel, going to the club to shower before school early in the mornings. God, there were times I was filled with such bad feeling. But at least there was a place I could safely be alone.

This place can hurt me plenty, but it has always been there for me.

Despite predictions of rain, the sky is only poetically cloudy. The brightest full moon you could ever imagine. Listening to 90’s on radio. Glad to have found out 104.9 is still around, just switched to 92.3. Thanks god for that. So crafty, considering it’s the same number, just a more private frequency.

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