My old car was a reliable horse. It never quit on me until it got to a safe place to quit. It never stranded me in a place where I could be scared.
My body is usually the same, though I’m realizing not to push it so hard. Yesterday, my knee suddenly started feeling weird, just a lot of clicking. I’d stopped playing on it because it definitely didn’t feel normal, but I didn’t want to have to make a big deal out of leaving the game, so I just played it out but being more social than competitive. Steve asked me after the game if I was okay and if I had hurt my shoulder on one of the plays. I told him my knee just started to really bother me. Curtis.2 thought it was the IT band and showed me some stretches. Then he did the crash and burn I’d written about, but the thing was, the entire time, I wanted to leave. My knee really wasn’t feeling good and I didn’t want to get in any awkward moments with this guy, but he was talking, and I didn’t find a comfortable time to extract myself. The thing was, the whole time he was doing it, he would say something really out there and then he would self-critique, saying, “You must think I’m a moron” or “You must think I’m a creep.” It was like he couldn’t stop himself from saying the exact wrong thing, and had the torture of being completely aware of it. I was trying to be kind about it, listening to him closely to try to understand him, what he wanted, and why he was going about things the way he was, even though at times, it was really hard to respond kindly when I didn’t know what to say.
I can imagine he’s a pretty lonely guy. And he’s not a bad guy, but he seemed to be sabotaging himself and unable to stop himself. Did he want me to think he was a moron? Did he want me to think he’s a creep? I can’t imagine that. But maybe there was a part of him that was being a moron and a creep, to himself, getting in his own way. Most girls would have thought the conversation outrageous. And if this is his pattern, then he probably gets girls blowing him off, which makes him feel bad, but then it ends up about how he justifies it to himself. But it seemed like a wicked thing to be doing to himself. Regardless, I think sometimes when you talk to people, it’s about acceptance. Even if it’s out of kindness and courtesy. That in this moment, as long as you’re not threatening me, I’ll try to see you for who you are at the core, instead of judging you by my subjective standards, or judging your actions and output to be definitive of who you are.
We ended up talking for over an hour, and I decided there was no way I could do any cardio. I went downstairs, did some of my shoulder exercises, then headed out. I’ve been wanting to go to Costco to pick up some fruit and turkey. I looked at the clock and realized they were closing in 45 minutes. Thought about waiting until the next morning. Told myself not to be lazy and headed to Costco. Took my time. Got more than I would normally get. Using my gym bag and creative balancing, got almost everything upstairs in one trip. I had to have been carrying over 50 lbs. Soon as I got home, knee peaces out. Could barely walk or stand on it. When straightened, can’t bend. When bended, can’t straighten. Severe pain at diagonal locations.
Even today, I can barely bear weight, but I have to wait out the weekend, stay home and take it easy, then call the doctor’s office on Monday morning when they’re open. I find it interesting that I was able to stick around, be nice to that guy, go shopping, carry a donkey load of groceries upstairs, before crashing to a stocked fridge. Part of me thinks the universe is giving me a time-out and telling me to write. If that’s the case, would be psyched if Monday morning, I’m flush with pages and my knee miraculously rebounds like nothing was wrong.