Echo

Opinions are like assholes. Even assholes have one.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Bohr today said the oddest relationship I was ever in in his mind was with Jake. I was surprised he even remembered it…it was so long ago and it was so brief. He said the reason is because Jake and I were very similar in background, mind and spirit, but something about the pairing surprised him. He said that I tend to date people who are interesting, who are very different from me. Sometimes they are interesting because they are so different.

Maybe I need to find someone who is similar to me, so we come from similar places and can more easily understand each other, yet we’re interesting enough to each other that the relationship is always coming up with new and rewarding dynamics.

My friend Jake and I are kindred spirits. We are both deeply kind, thoughtful and considerate people, and we both have interest and ability in analyzing and understanding human nature. And despite the reality of all we’ve seen, all we know, despite all of human and humanity’s flaws, we are still optimistic, kind and care deeply about people and mankind.

We can drift for years but any time one of us needs the other, usually for moral support, often in matters of the heart, we are there for each other. To provide perspective, to provide support. He is the model of male integrity for me, yet he and I have no romantic destiny. He waited a long time for me, but when we tried, a relationship that only lasted weeks, he was this smart, sensitive guy who suddenly made a lot of bad decisions. It was like he couldn’t handle it. But because we handled it honestly and maturely, we protected our respect for each other and it strengthened our bond.

Jake wrote me recently. We were talking about matters of the heart, how realistically, no one is perfect but it’s about how we fit each other. He talked about how he has a wall around him. “For instance, I know that my weakness is that I have a wall around me. Its something I built up in order to survive. I realize this and slowly trying to tear it down. I would want someone who will understand this and is patient with me. At the same time its my responsibility to let the person know of this part of me and that I am willing to work on it.” He has a wall and I have a maze. But we are both amazing people. Sometimes I think these defense mechanisms that help you survive, you do your best to be conscious and realize the areas where they no longer serve you, where they no longer benefit your life, if not clearly hindering it. You tear down what you don’t need, but sometimes the protection is there for a reason. Because I know I’m very careful about trust, sometimes I make myself tear down the wall to the point that I’m actually leaving myself too vulnerable and trusting with people who don’t know how to treat me and they intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. I think with the right people though, it’s something that happens naturally.

I know Jake trusts me. I’ve never had a problem with his wall, as I can see clearly who he is inside it, how valuable his heart and soul are, and so I never ask him to tear it down. He lets me in. And he’s always good about finding me in my maze. It’s almost like because his intentions ring true, he doesn’t even see the maze because to those who are trustworthy, the maze is only an illusion that traps people who don’t know how to understand me and take care of the valuable parts of me. I think we went through our short relationship trial just to clear the way for a friendship. Any woman would be lucky to have Jake as a partner–he puts his all into partnerships and treats people very well. But I hope he finds the woman who is the best thing to ever happen to him, because that’s what he deserves and can have. I’m very lucky to have him as a friend. I really believe there is an optimal place for each relationship, and our friendship, because we always respected our connection and each other to let it evolve to it’s natural place, is in a place where it’s a comfortable, safe and supportive thing that adds to both of our lives.

Looking through Facebook, I notice so many people use pictures I took of them as their profile pics. I think people like the way I capture them, the way I see them through my eyes. Which I think they should. I see people very positively, very kindly. I can always find something beautiful about a person.

When someone is my #1, they are my #1 out of 1. I am committed to other people in my life–friends, family, etc. deeply, but when it comes to partnership, there is only one spot next to me, and I take care of that spot because I respect myself and the sanctity of relationships. That’s how I honor someone I love. It’s not a matter of what I deserve. I know what I deserve. It’s a matter of who deserves me and has the means to treat me well. Too many guys make excuses when the issue is they don’t know how to treat an amazing woman right when they actually meet one. Maybe they never believed an amazing woman could be real. Every cynic is a disappointed romantic, and I’ve found disappointed romantics to be some of the cruelest of our species. Often their fear of losing her or their feelings of not really deserving her create the exact outcome they feared. They care so much that their fear takes over and they lead themselves and the woman down into a spiraling, self-destructive path. Sometimes I wonder if they wanted it that way, that it’s an actual relief. A guy once told me that being with an amazing woman who makes him want to be a better man is hard. On one hand, he can’t believe he has a chance, on the other, he knows he’ll fuck it up. He would rather be with someone who he knows he can fuck it up with and she’ll still take him back because she’s got nothing better. I don’t know. I can understand it, but it’s also sad. These kinds of guys, something’s always gotta be broken so they always have an excuse, or something to fix. They’re so afraid to fail that they would rather start with something broken. The worst is people who equate love with pain. That is never-ending. Even if you get things good, they can only feel comfortable with a level of pain or struggle, and they find ways to inject it, upset what could be a peaceful affirming balance. It’s like the only way they trust things. Leave those guys for the types of women who are also a little broken inside and can’t deal with things that are good. Life is already difficult enough. Life is already unfair enough. Only have room in your life for people who can add to it, who can make it better, who can treat you well and accept when you treat them well. Otherwise, what’s the point. Life is so short. Why make it more painful than it needs to be? Everyone needs someone they can count on. I know I really do. Sometimes I think, even if it’s not meant to be in this lifetime, I’ve been really lucky. I have an amazing family and I have amazing friends who always believed in me. Even strangers have often been there for me at some of my darkest moments. Maybe even if I don’t find my #1 of 1, I know that I was lucky, because I knew what it was like to be truly loved and appreciated by people who wanted only the best for me, and I for them. But I don’t lose hope. Not going to pay my disappointments forward. Heartbreaks are heartbreaks. You find the one who believes in himself and cares about you enough to take care of it, then none of the heartbreaks in the past even matter.

But I can’t settle for less than what is good for me.

I’m someone who mates for life. Possibly life as defined beyond just this lifetime, which I see as only chapters of consciousness. I’m not willing to give up my life tied to someone who causes me pain because he doesn’t know how or want to take care of me. Life is too valuable for that. I want someone who adds to my life, that we become bigger than the sum of our individual selves because it strengthens who we are which in turn strengthens us together. I’m not willing to give up my life by accepting something that takes away from me, making me less than who I am capable of being. I would never let someone use me to make life so small and debilitating either.