Echo

Meet me on the other side, it’s a brand new start to a brand new life, I’m open…
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A couple of the biggest things I miss about LA are KCRW and the Hollywood Bowl. Going through KCRW’s archives. So many gems including a live show by Morcheeba. I went to their show at the Fonda but didn’t catch their live set on KCRW. It was one of the best concerts I’d ever been to. Check out this show for a taste:

yesterday’s free-write:

Oh, my moon-eyed muppet. You have no idea I, or we, collectively, have a pet name for you. You and your big brown eyes with huge pupils overtaking, smooth olive skin and those eyebrows like god painted them in. Elf ears. Where did you come from and where are you taking me? I’ve got nothing to do but keep my hands in my pocket and let you lead the way. If I were trapped in a missile silo, I would first check exits, then check for communication, then supplies. There I find full supplies, food water, etc., but none of the communication equipment works. All I know is that I woke up from a dream, in which I was so close to someone from the past that I could feel him. But this time, instead of the nameless/faceless man I’ve been seeing my entire childhood, it is someone I knew once, a long time ago. And in fact, it was here, that I knew him. So the computers are up but I can’t seem to send any outgoing messages. There are status reports from other stations. Equipment destroyed, offline. Hello? There doesn’t seem to be anybody out there. I’m stuck in here. And I think the world above me is destroyed, gone, and I may be the last person. But the strange thing is, I don’t know how I got down here. This program has been shut down for years. Last night, I went to bed in my own bed. Or did I? Did something traumatic happen that put me in the hospital? What was it that I was trying to do? Why did I happen to think about him that night? He must have been the sum of my answers. Somewhere in waking life, I was awake, and suddenly plunged into sleep. When I wake, you will not remember me. This is from his dream. He has dreamed of her, seen her, felt her so close that he could almost smell her skin. He wants her. He has always wanted her, but he gave up on her because he could never have her. And then she shows up and haunts his dreams. When I wake, you will not remember me. When he wakes? Why when she wakes? Because it is her dreams that control his reality. He has always been tied to her, known it on a conscious level, but the only way she was ever going to believe that he’s real is if she finds the man from her dreams in real life. And even when she had originally met him, he wasn’t him yet. So she didn’t recognize him. Ah, sweet sweet love. You only show yourself at the right time and place. I used to wonder if the feeling of love was a trick, something to lure me in and motivate me to work out all my karmic debt. My karma comes out of the 12th house, through the past, through my romantic relationships, my ideals. I need a spiritual union that somehow heals the past to allow for a future, however abstract and mystical. Someday, I want to have a life of my own, a love of my own, something that I can look at and feel its what I’ve been looking for my entire life. One day, I want to look into your eyes and know that I have finally found you. Why have I been dreaming for so long, dreams that feel more real than life? There was that one night that scared me. I woke up to a light in my room coming from the outside, my body unable to move, and garbled noises, like chanting in another language on the radio, a language almost like static…but with more heart. Was it then that they found me? Was it then that they whispered the secrets of my past to me? Was it then that I ceased to sleep, but only to dream. I am wayward in my ways. I am lost in my own devices. My darkness is my light because I feel the world of darkness. Sometimes, the night echoes back to me and I feel the familiar hand of time upon my shoulder. I am only here until I am not here. And something about that tells me that I am so small, that there is nothing to do but make a difference. I want to find you, hold your hand, look you in the eye and tell you how long it has been since I first found you, in a different world, in my dream.

A funny thing has been happening the last month. Every time I go to type in Curtis’s name to get to his facebook page, Reggie shows up right underneath him, even though we’re not Facebook friends. It was always a matter of time before we could be friends again. I figured when we are both married with kids. We always were friends, we probably always will be friends. He just wasn’t my dude, and I wasn’t his girl. Sometimes, that’s life, and it doesn’t do anyone any good to ignore the truth or drag things out if you already know. We did the right thing that respected both people and our friendship.

Even after we went our separate ways, my Michigan friends in LA would bump into him a lot. I would get news about him from them, and heard two years ago from Jessie that he had asked about me (at the time I was living with someone overseas), so she didn’t know what to say. But then he said, “It’s not like that. I’m seeing someone.” I was happy to hear that. He treats women very well.

Today, the same thing happened–his profile came up so I clicked on his page and saw I could see his photos. I looked through them and the first thing that was great was that he looks really happy. The 2nd, was there was a picture of him with a woman, and the caption said that they were together again after 19 years apart. !!! His college sweetheart! I’d heard about her. Though I can’t remember much. That’s incredible.

I know at some point I’ll get in touch with him or he’ll get in touch with me. I definitely want to hear this story of how they were reunited. Of all the relationships I had, Reg is the only one I can ever see myself being friends with because that was always our bond. He also paved the way for the me today, helping me see that there are nice guys out there, and while they’re not perfect, they can have good intentions and want the best for me. The time spent with him was a time of growth and healing. We’re not friends right now, but we’re not not friends. We’ll be friends again when the timing is right. In the meantime, I’m happy for him. I hope he gets his fairytale ending.

More music for your Sunday. I love Ludovico Einaudi. I write to his music on loop a lot:

I love KCRW + David Gray:

Really great live session with Sia at KCRW in LA.

little black sandals…saved my life today…

and it’s something quite peculiar…

something that’s shimmering and white

leads you here, despite your destination…

under the milky way tonight.

The song, “Happy Together” by the Turtles popped into my head, but I was thinking of a woman singing it soulfully. I thought how great it would be if Cat Power has done a cover of it. I thought, surely, there would be plenty of covers. But there weren’t many. Maybe in the future. I did find a cover by Filter, of “Hey Man Nice Shot” fame (I still remember one night when I was 18 or 19, driving home on the Lawrence Expressway with the sun roof open and it was the middle of the night–“Hey Man Nice Shot” blasting through my entire being and I felt alone but on top of the world).

The line is “You and me. Me and you.” But it sounds like, “You will make…me, you.” And I thought that was a nice counter-psyche addition to add more drama to the song.