Echo

los angeles returned to gray skies today. fall is calling me. fall is the season where i’m the most creative, most poetic, my soul driven by the thunderstorms and the rain. i’m feeling this fall is going to be one filled with electricity, rain and words.

everything is still echoing towards seattle. september in seattle. live there for a couple of months. get a whatever job, menial if it has to be, that puts me in contact with the public while i write. got to get it all out. feeling the inner storm.

i need the rain. i’m going to need the rain for this.

brian is going to freak when i leave again. he hates living alone. but this is something i have to do. i need to establish seattle as my secondary location, the place where i go when i disappear. my writing cave. my privacy.

brian asked me to write out a plan the way i would write a blog entry that details what kinds of things i would be good at, what kind of corporate structure i would fit, etc.

i told him, i want to get paid doing exactly what i’m doing now…talking to strangers, writing. i don’t want to fit in the corporate world again if i can help it. but i recognize i need/want a job because i need a place and people who see me consistently, so i can anchor my life while i push my mind deep. and my book takes place in the pacific northwest, for god’s sake. i need to get to know it.

so per brian’s demand, here is my job projection:

a job that allows me to be helpful and talk to strangers, related to hospitality, travel, restaurant, fitness, art/entertainment, learning/empowerment or customer service/relations. a job that challenges me creatively, and puts me in direct contact with people open to a positive experience. a job that opens my mind and gives me inspiration, as well as gives me “details” that help me flesh out my book. i would like the job to either have fixed hours limited to the daytime (no weekends), or a flexible schedule where i don’t feel time-oppressed. i would like to work for an established, thriving organization, or a small company with strong ideas, leadership and direction.

i am not above temping, since my character starts at a temp agency. but i will only do this if my financial situation supports it. if not, i will get two part-time jobs if i get to a point where i feel it is pertinent for me to have this life experience.

i am willing to range from working as a barista at a coffee shop, to doing inside sales, business development, marketing, corporate communications/pr. i would probably be happiest in an office job that uses me to create written content and communications.

but again, i want to have direct contact with customers and clients.

my plan:

1. in mind, set sights on september in seattle.
2. scouting trip, early sept. find furnished apt with short term month-to-month lease.
3. research job market, send out resumes, test the waters. if i know where i’m going to be living, i’ll be able to provide proof of intent of relocating to seattle as a resident.
4. rejoice
5. freak out
6. accept my calling
7. get ready to live life and write.

the experience was so shallow, i still haven’t decided yet if i’ve drowned.

8/10/09 – The Incident with the Dog

i’ve been muy lazy about writing up this unusual thing that happened last monday, so before i get into the bahamas cruise update, i want to get this down.

on monday, i had a really chill day. was in a very, very happy mood. did some writing, headed up to borders to pick up the little prince. i’ve been meaning to read it for some time. i’ve had several people recommend it over the years, and recently, on my last trip up to fremont in june, i noticed my brother had a copy of it on his desk.

are you reading this, i asked him.

i don’t know whose that is, he said.

i remember wanting to take it to read, but wasn’t sure if it belonged to someone else who had just left it at my parents’ house, so i left it alone, making a mental note to check it out.

while on the cruise to alaska, i was getting breakfast one morning and i noticed a guy in the beverage line had it in hand, and it reminded me all over that i wanted to read it. finally, the last night, our last meeting, christian and i talked books and he said the little prince was his number one recommendation to me. i figured i was clearly being urged that now was the right time to read it.

i have a bit of a magical relationship with books. i’m always buying or picking up books…both my parents’ house and my place in la are filled with them. there are books i buy for whatever random impulsive reason, but they’ll sit on my shelf, forgotten for years sometimes, before i pick them up one day by whim. sometimes i read them, sometimes i flip through, but usually what happens is whatever i read turns out to be exactly what i needed to read at the exactly right time.

for example, i read a review of this psychology book about how divorce affects children, particularly in their adult life. i bought the book in 2000, really excited about it because it was right around the time i was focused on getting ready to apply to grad schools for clinical psychology. but then it sat on my shelf for years, until 2007, when i decided to pick a book at random from my shelf to read. it turned out to be a fascinating book, discussing studies indicating that divorce strongly affects the future adult outlooks of children and how they approach their own relationships, and begged the question if divorce is better or worse than when parents are unhappy and stay together. so as i was reading the book, i randomly ran into a chiropractor i’d gone to the previous year after a minor car accident. we went out a few times, and i remember there were some heavy moments when he would mention his parents’ divorce when he was a child, and how he didn’t want to get married then divorced. i sensed he had some deep-seated issues, issues that meant that whatever was happening between us probably wouldn’t go anywhere, but a lot of times, i would find myself thinking about the book or telling him things from the book that seemed to open him up a little more. in a way, that book that i had bought 7 years before and randomly decided to read at that particular time, became an aid of sorts for understanding this man and his perspective of life, connecting in a way that was supportive to him.

other examples are sometimes, i’ll pick up a book or magazine, and read about something random, like polar bears, and then the next night, i might be out and about and someone will mention polar bears and i’ll regurgitate some nugget of info that i just happened to randomly read, and then people say, wow, that’s really interesting, like i’m really smart and know so much random information. but really, i’m just lucky that way. usually this information gets forgotten soon after it’s “used,” so if you asked me about polar bears a month later, i would probably be as clueless as the next person.

so on monday, i went to pick up the little prince to bring to the bahamas with me. i went to borders and happened to have a gift card i had bought for myself last month to get the parking validated. so basically, it was like this book was a present to me, from me. it took me a while to find that book (they’re so incredibly disorganized), though i did find it in spanish. i like reading books in spanish, though my spanish has gotten so rusty that i can only read and slightly understand spoken Spanish if it’s articulated slowly, but can’t “create” with it (speak or write). i felt a twinge in my head, that maybe it’s time to pick up spanish again.

i finally caved and asked a sales rep for help, and the only other copy was a limited edition hardback copy, a really beautiful copy. i figured i would probably really like the book so i may as well get it. was really happy about it.

it was a gorgeous day, blue skies with expressive cloud formations, so i headed to venice to sit outside and watch the sun set while i read the little prince. it seemed like a fitting setting to finally read the book. my usual place wasn’t opened yet for the evening, so i went to a little cafe across the street, and got a coffee. the waitress was really nice.

as i was getting the book out, this shaggy dog on a leash came up, crawled under my chair and between my legs, curling at my feet like she was my dog. her owner was this dignified-looking white guy in his 40’s.

um…okay, he said. this is unusual.

he stood there holding the leash while his dog chilled, pressed up against my legs.

what’s her name, i asked.

lucky, he said.

of course it is, i thought with a smile. like the radiohead song i was just thinking about.

so i was petting her, and he said, she must really like you.

he pulled the leash and asked her if she still wanted to go to the park, but she just looked at me, then put her head back down and chilled. he kept cajoling her, trying to get her to go, but she was determined not to go anywhere, pressing harder into my leg. so he was just standing there, holding the leash, not knowing what to do.

did…you want to sit down?, i asked, gesturing to the open seat across from me.

i guess i have to, he said. lucky doesn’t seem to want to go anywhere.

we talked about the area, but to be honest, we had no connection. it was really tedious small talk. i seemed to also be making him nervous, or more accurately, he was making himself very nervous. he kept taking off his sunglasses, putting them back on, taking them off again, and talking really fast, then drifting off in mid-sentence. so i just tried to be friendly and pass the time, and we waited for his dog to be ready to leave.

i asked him about 1311 abbott kinney which was half a block up from where we were sitting, that commercial building that’s for sale. he didn’t know what it was, but said a lot of buildings were vacant now because there wasn’t enough money coming in to support the leases. the street has a lot of art galleries and boutique retail establishments, but i feel this building isn’t for retail…but something else. i would have to keep an eye on it and think about it some more, but i want access to that rooftop patio.

i told him i was a writer and he told me to write children’s books. actually someone else had suggested that to me before, but as something i would be good at once i had my own kids. we had a long silence while we each stared off into the distance, and then he broke it by saying, i don’t know anything about what you write, but whatever you do, you should tie it in with music, make it a multimedia experience.

that’s funny you say that, i said. my creativity is closely tied to music. i’m always linking music to the things i blog about. music and words, to me, feed and inspire each other. i can’t have one without the other.

he stood up and asked his dog if she was ready to go. he tugged on her leash and she got up, but did a fake out, walking in a tight circle then sitting back down on her haunches, staring at me.

now i d
on’t have as much experience with dogs as many of my friends do–my parents had a sweet dog when i went off to college, and he was great, but i’ve never had my own who was my sole responsibility. i know they do tend to like me, and as long as they aren’t neurotically insane, i usually like them. but this experience with this dog was getting unusual.

the guy kept tugging the leash and telling her to go, but she just sat there looking at me, then jumped into my lap with her paws on my waist, putting her head on the table. it looked like a very wistful hug.

well, that looks very comfortable, i said.

the guy was perplexed. lucky, you act like you don’t get any love at home, he said, almost hurt.

she laid there like that and he patted her but she wouldn’t move. he offered her a treat but she just lifted her head, looked at me, licked my hand, then put her head down again. he tugged at her leash and she would land on the ground, but just jump into my lap again and stare into my eyes.

this is very unusual, he said. she really likes you.

i took my phone and snapped a picture of her.

there, i said. now i promise that i will never forget you.

but she stayed in that position, paws on my lap, staring into my eyes. her owner kept calling her name and she would glance over but go back to staring into my eyes. it was then that i noticed she had hazel eyes that were incredibly…human. i stared back into them and felt myself starting to open, starting to sink, the way it happens when i look into the eyes of someone with whom i’m capable of connecting with on a deeper level.

maybe she has something she’s trying to tell me, i say, almost a whisper. lucky, are you trying to tell me something? do you know what it is i’m supposed to be doing?

she licks her lips, almost a smile, then jumps off, walking away with a happy trot, now more than willing to lead the way towards the park.

her owner looks at me and shrugs, dumbfounded.

i’ll…i’ll see you again, he said, almost dazed. i’ll probably see you again.

he walked away, dog leading the man, and i thought, i’ll see you again. not see you later. not, take it easy. but i’ll see you again. like he didn’t understand what had just happened, but expected when we meet up in the future, we might have a better idea then.

what a strange encounter.

i saw that my place was now open for business and figured i would read there and watch the sunset through the palm trees from my favorite spot by the open window. i went to pay for the coffee but the waitress smiled and told me not to worry about it. that was very nice. so i left her some money on the table, more than the cost of the coffee.

started reading the little prince. it took me a long time because i was savoring every word, every feeling, every sweetness, every image. it made me so happy sometimes, i thought i would cry. got to the part about the baobabs and watching the sunset. loved that i was watching the sunset at the same time.

“you know, when you’re feeling very sad, sunsets are wonderful…”

“on the day of the forty-four times, were you feeling very sad?”

but the little prince didn’t answer.

holy crap. tears welled up in my eyes. i put the book away, to savor for later.

i didn’t end up taking it with me to the bahamas. the copy i have is just too nice. i think i’ll read it over the next couple of days when i go to my spot in venice to watch the sunset.

so far, it has brought a lot of happiness into my spirit.

today’s mood: laconic melancholy

brian told me once that i’m someone who needs a certain amount of time to myself to be melancholy. that it’s just a part of who i am, something that i need. nothing for people to be alarmed by. i guess there’s an emotional richness to being melancholy. it’s probably necessary to give me moments of reflection. regardless, i’m having a melancholy day.

on the taxi ride home i got a very nice, friendly taxi driver. but after this weekend, i didn’t feel like small-talking. i wanted to be left alone to the echoes of my mind. he tried to start a conversation about my vacation, but i gave him very short answers, polite still, but reserved. i realized that i do this. there’s a population in this world of people who think of me as a very quiet, serious, shy person. and that’s because on the days they’ve met me, or whatever side of me i consistently show them, they’ve encountered a very quiet, reserved person. like this taxi driver, these people have never seen me at a party lighting it up, have never seen me in a dark corner having a soul-searching heart-to-heart, have never seen me in work mode getting it done, have never seen me when i’m in warm, bubbly miss helpy-helpy mode. if they saw these other sides of me, they would probably feel like they’re experiencing a different person. but it’s all me, just different sides, different elements becoming dominant.

in regards to this driver, his entire experience of me builds the idea of a quiet, private person.

a polite person. but a blank.

one that may or may not exist.

i like that though. sometimes, i don’t want to be remembered.

sometimes, i wish i could forget.

a couple of nights ago, i had a dream.

i walked into a moonlit afterworld of deep blues and shadows. the world was rich and beautiful, but everything was in disorder, in need of being put back together like pieces of a puzzle that have been jumbled and left in neglect. nothing was functional. the city was lifeless. abstract. lacking meaning and soul.

the school in particular was in shambles. the children had nowhere to go. i sat down and was overwhelmed with sadness, but i wouldn’t let myself collapse. i had to be strong, there was so much work to do. it was all so much to put back together, even before we could start creating what’s new and start moving forward. i stood up, gathering inner strength for the task, feeling overwhelmed but preparing to face what needed to be done when two men approached, surveying the scene.

we have to get this place running again, i said to them.

the cold wind whispered and the moon hung low. it was late. the man on the left put his things down and led me towards a sheltered spot. i followed reluctantly, untrustingly. we laid down, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me as he gently stroked my hair. he kissed the top of my head tenderly, and i let go, closing my eyes, pulled under by a deep wave of exhaustion. i suddenly had an incredible feeling of safety. of all that is familiar. of being home.

it’s him, i realize. the one who echoes of a memory before time. the one i’ve been meeting in various recurring dreams my entire life, even in childhood, his ghost appearing then disappearing to the sound of distant train whistles cutting through midnight fog.

don’t worry, he whispered into my ear as his silent, shadowed friend stood guard. just rest for now. we’ll put everything back the way it should be.

between the slow, deep rhythm of his heart, and his tender stroking of my hair, i felt myself melt, letting go of worry and drifting away…back to a place where i am safe.

*****
when i woke up in the morning, i got progressively more melancholy. there were traces of him everywhere, more real than the strangers i was surrounded with. who is this man who haunts my dreams? this man more familiar to me than time? why does he give me so much solace in the shadows when i need it most, yet become an endless illusion in waking life? i strive so hard with so much faith to reach for him in this world, so that i can bring him out of the dream world into reality. but is it possible?

then i remember something. how, when i learned how to breathe underwater, it changed my life. my entire approach and perspective of the possibilities of life. maybe if i can take something i recognize in a dream and find it in the real world, i can basically show myself how to cross tangible things over from dreams to reality. i’ll create a new level of freedom. of reality. of destiny.

i need you so much closer…

the dream has been in the background of my mind all weekend. as i was riding the taxi home in my laconic mood, i remembered there’s a david gray song from one of his older albums i used to love but which i haven’t listened to in a while. found it on my ipod, album – lost songs. david’s a fellow old soul gemini. love the expression of his universe. realized how beautiful and fitting the song is for exactly what i’m feeling and experiencing lately, everything my book is about, especially how the symbology of a deep blue flame burning through shadows is one i always see in myself when i close my eyes.

perhaps this day is about how i lost this song, so that i could find it again when i needed it most.

this song is dedicated to you:

I went looking for someone I left behind
Yeah, but no one, just a stranger did I find
I never noticed, hadn’t seen it as it grew
The void between us where the flame turns blue

Through the lemon trees the diamonds of light
Break in splinters on the pages where I write
That if I lost you, I dont know what I’d do
Burn forever where the flame turns blue
Yeah if I lost you, I don’t know what I’d do
Burn forever where the flame turns blue

-david gray, flame turns blue

i’m back! happy to be home. updates later. must eat.

who is he, she asked the shadow.

why, you don’t know? he’s the man who will give you away.

calm before the storm

tomorrow morning, i fly into miami to begin BOOZE CROOZE…a cruise trip to the bahamas that my college friends have been planning for a year. it will be interesting…we always have a good time but sometimes the group dynamic gets a little shallow for me, so i end up feeling like i’m 37% present at any given time. unless something funny happens. but sarita always says i’m the best person to go to vegas with, because really unique and memorable things tend to occur. and i’ve learned last week how much energy i can pull on a cruise ship to make things out of the ordinary happen. i’m really hoping for a very interesting trip. at least one that will be a great story.

i can’t promise salt shakers moving across the table by themselves, but i would be game for a little positive weaving.

my life, is like having the ability to get to know each individual drop of the ocean, while simultaneously being able to understand its grand meaning.

sometimes, when i touch someone’s skin, i can feel if they have been sad for a while.

nice note from colin:

Thank you for such a wonderful evening! Even the floor was comfortable!! You are such an amazing person and I’m glad we got to reconnect…you’ve done some amazing work since we last connected.

i’m always so appreciative of kind words.

so i haven’t given out brian’s assessment of my cruise trip. this monologue happened my first night back in la. if you should feel at all offended in anyway, please remember that: 1. it’s brian; 2. so you know he was probably drunk; 3. he’s from texas. he can’t help himself.

[brian, glass of white wine in hand, after hearing a short synopsis of the story]:

the first thing i want to say is that you and “crazy shit” need to be on a break, like ross & rachel style. you’re ross and “crazy shit” is rachel, and you guys are on a break.

what the hell are you doing meeting people on a cruise? of course you guys connected. that’s all they do. guys who work on cruises only have to pay attention to one bitch for a week at a time. how convenient is that? so any dude who works on a cruise is basically like, i’m gonna work the high-seas pussy [he circles his hand like he’s buffing a car]…while i’m killin’ the land-based pussy[lifts a shotgun and fires]… i’m watching the real world right now, and those kids are working at a resort in cancun. you get a bunch of young, hot dudes working at a resort…they’re basically mailing that pussy in for them to hit. you know what those guys are? they’re swimming in pussy. up to their fucking ears in pussy. they’re getting it mailed in, and they fuck it and return to sender.

and this is the last thing i’m gonna say before i pass the fuck out.

1. italian. really? they’re womanizers. it’s like in their blood.
2. cruise dude. you met on a cruise. that is not okay.
3. he works on the cruise. you know how i feel about dating the help. i will make a rare exception for an exceptionally hot bartender, but julia…no.

[he points a finger and wags it at me, then staggers away]

*this performance brought to you by the state of texas.

today my coach gave me a drill–running straight towards the basket, catch and bank. it’s about angles, and delicacy. he said this was the hardest drill, and he guaranteed me that i would miss more than i make.

so of course, i make the first three, lose a little focus because i’m feeling the urge to gloat, and ended up 5-8. hardest drill, huh…is all i say.

well, it’s hard for me, he mumbles.

he spent about half an hour sitting on a bench with me after the session, telling me theoretically, how he would treat me if we were dating. to be honest, at least he’s a sweet guy. still not my dude, but he’s trying to meet me on my level, and i can appreciate that.

does that old guy still bother you?, he asked.

i took out my phone and looked. i don’t know, it was just a feeling. to my surprise/non-surprise (they were both intense feelings), there’s an email from him. yes, i said. i’ve only met him twice, and have been ignoring him for a month, and he’s writing to tell me i’m the only woman for him and i’ll never meet anyone better than him. in fact, i get something from him every day. do i need to explain further why this guy being on my radar is worrying me? the devil often plays a desperate man. i had a sudden wish that my coach could be my big brother. it’s times like these i need a big brother.

(*epiphany. i know it’s childish, but this stalker is a fucking child. if the harassment persists, i bet my coach would be willing to call the guy and tell him to stay away from me. in america, where often, karma is a bitch, big black guys always trump little white guys. and i need this little white guy to stop even thinking in my direction)

jason met up and brought some friends. we haven’t played in 2 years, and only once. we played 4-on-4 half court which is probably my worst game. my best is 3-on-3. i really sucked the first play, and i wanted to blame it on being tired (i’ve already been running hard drills for an hour and a half), but that’s a crappy excuse so i sucked it up and kept going. took me a while to get into a rhythm and the guy i was guarding was fast and strong. the guy was built like a 5’6 tank with quick reflexes and great body control. but i stuck with him, even though he did score a lot on me off screens. i hit most of my mid-range shots, and we won the first game. lost the second. played a tie-breaker and jason twisted his ankle on a drive to the basket.

boy, i’ll tell you something about jason. the guy graduated from ucla, is smart as hell, but he’s like a rabbit who won’t get out of his cage. and he’s in his late 20’s. but you watch this guy attack the basket, and he’s like a one-man fighter-jet brigade. it’s like watching a robot against humans. strong, precise, flawless. i couldn’t believe this guy. i told him afterwards, how we once discussed a common perspective regarding how people play basketball says a lot about them as a person. i told him how he attacks the basket, he needs to go at life in the same way. he hasn’t even started his journey yet! i’m halfway through and he hasn’t even left the starting gate. so i told him he has to harness that power and do what he does on the court, the way he charges in, trusting himself that he’ll know what to do when he gets there. and he usually makes the right decisions. he agreed he needed to do that.

so anyway, tiebreaker game, jason twists his ankle but keeps playing. i tell him that he needs to carry us, and he stays in it, playing his heart out. but then i’m asking for the ball when it feels like the momentum is in favor of the other team, and i ended up scoring 8 out of our 15 points, putting us well ahead. i hit some long range shots, but to be honest, they were all really hard shots. i had this guy who was like a ninja tank going after every shot, and i had to do a lot of crossovers to create any kind of space. but i started posting up on him a couple of times under the basket, and got some turnarounds in. one drive into traffic with shot blockers jumping around me. i’m going to say that was the most ridiculous one.we ended up winning. thanks for carrying the team, jason said when we shook hands.

afterwards, jason sat down next to me on the bench as i was packing up my stuff.

i can’t believe what you did over there, he said.

what do you mean, i asked.

i didn’t know you could play like that. i had no idea you could do that.

i laugh, and make a self-deprecating comment.

i’m just not used to seeing girls play like that. you don’t play like a girl. you play like a really good basketball player.

i’m amazed. what a nice comment. right up there with that night we watched the dawn break and he called me a child of atlantis. i really am playing out of my mind, and it does surprise me. i mean, i hit 44 out of 47 free throws today in a drill.

this level of mental focus is absolutely unprecedented. and the amazing thing is, it’s coming so naturally. it’s just a matter of paying attention. maybe that’s all it is, being really conscious by focusing your entire self into a moment. when i look into people’s eyes, i’m completely focused on them, opening my inner door so i can take in as much of everything about them as i can. last month, an argentinian playboy told me i had dangerous eyes.

perhaps it’s whatever you want to make it. or perhaps, it’s not my eyes people find dangerous, but what they’re afraid i might see.

Places I’ve never been that I want to visit when the time is right:

1. Greece
2. Croatia
3. Cinque Terre
4. Portland, OR
5. Cambodia/Vietnam
6. Egypt
7. Australia/New Zealand
8. Fiji
9. Maldives
10. Buenos Aires
11. Montreal

22 Day Wishlist

I’m taking advantage of this 22 day to make a of list of goals.

1. Income. Lots of it. So I can buy more homes, increase personal freedom.

2. New career challenges and achievements. To land in a work community where I meet new people, have new challenges and can discover new facets of my abilities. A new runway for achievement. Give me the right goals and situation, then tie your company’s success to my own, and I will get us there. Just put me in the best situation to succeed, then trust me…I’ll do the rest.

3. 1311 Abbott Kinney. I want it. Someday, it will be mine.

4. For this stalker to leave me alone. He is performing the most egregious disregard of my boundaries and personal wishes in recent history. I am trying to not give it any attention, but this guy is definitely a soulsucker, an annoying distraction, and it’s getting harder and harder to not want to go kick his ass. But the right thing to do is to continue ignoring. I wish for the universe to send him something else shiny to chase, so that he will forget me.

5. Words. Please give me the organization and concentration to turn my words into something that can be unified and published.

6. Book tour. I want to go on a book tour in the next 2 years so I have a reason to travel the world and connect to a broader base of strangers who are open to connecting. And find my dude. I’ve always known the book comes before the dude. Or the book leads me to the dude.

7. Teach. I want to teach. I don’t care if it’s a Learning Annex seminar on self-empowerment, or a writing class, I would like to teach. Or give motivational speeches. They’re kind of similar outputs in my mind.

8. Collaboration — I want to find a business partner whose strengths complement my strengths, and our respective weaknesses are compensated by the other’s strengths. I want to find someone I can really work with, start building tangible things.

9. Roots. Once creative flow is established and income lines opened, I want to stabilize, focus on security and find someone to share my life with.

To Do Today:

1. Write my bio for basketball blog.
2. Put up my resume online
3. Watch the sunset and write
4. Pack

had an intimate night with colin. he brought wine and i cooked. he wanted to try the salmon i caught, so i made a salmon dip with flaxseed water crackers, broiled salmon rubbed with garlic and olive oil, a seared asparagus salad with goddess dressing. a simple meal. colin thanked the fish for nourishing us. we spent time on the balcony and he commented how this was the best place on earth. we haven’t sat alone on this balcony since before i jumped into the well and took off for europe. it was a beautiful night. we shared many beautiful insights.

one thing i wanted to remember. i asked him what i was like before i changed. he said i was very fragmented, like it was frustrating because you would get glimpses of someone really cool, but it was hard to get close to me. he said it was easy for me to live that way because it was safe, but now, it’s completely different. just my eyes, the way i look at people, i’m completely connected. it feels like i’m building a safe area for people to be comfortable, instead of people having to build a safe area for me. he says i’ve come a long way.

i believe the same for him. that we have both kept our eyes focused on something in the distance which we’ve put our faith in, and through that trust, we’ve managed to navigate life and reach new levels of awareness. we talked about how we work for the light, and while light will never defeat darkness, what is most important is that we balance it. about how, with so much insight and power, it is so easy to take over someone else, will them to give you what you want, but it takes so much restraint and honor to stay on your side, and not exert your will. we talked about sex (he’s one of the few people i talk honestly with about this topic). i asked him if he thought celibacy gives you power and he said, absolutely. i told him i was concerned how i was going to come down off this platform…that because sex is such a great force on me that it completely pulls my focus, i can’t do anything if the availability of sex is there. colin says he understands abstinence because he went 5 years once, then most recently, 2. we are similar in this way. we are also people who are aware that we are very motivated by sex. so perhaps we perform these acts of discipline in order for our minds to stay focused on what we need to be doing in the bigger picture.

colin notes the fact i can be so distracted by sex as one of the ways i think like a man. i tell him that lately, i’ve noticed that gay guys try to get with me, and straight girls keep trying to kiss me. so i’m turning gay men straight, and straight girls gay. i ask him what’s up with that, and he says it’s because i’m basically masculine energy inside a beautiful woman. and people sense that. he said i probably intimidate a lot of guys, because they get close to me and realize i’m a better man than they, but it’s good for them because it makes them better themselves. he said that he has feminine energy, so that’s why people are so attracted to him. basically, we have achieved a balance of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, in a self-contained, personal fashion. i believe it. i feel if the night is deep enough and i’m feeling generous, i can turn into anything a person wants me to be. and it’s still me, just another side of me. but i feel i’m able to achieve that, because i always know where my roots are, the core around which i’ve achieved balance.

he wanted me to read cards for him. so i did 3 passes, his current state, how he is at age 40, and what’s going to happen to his house. everything i saw was very positive, open and stable. very nice.

we laid on the floor by candlelight, talking about life, love and dreams. he fell asleep. i covered him with a blanket and left a pillow by his head, then went out to look at the sky. foggy today, but my little gold man is above the clouds, still pointing off into the distance.

i thought of how big the world is. so big, i can fit it into the palm of my hand. but then i think, why not let it unfold when it’s ready. so i put it down, bury it in the earth, and sit under the shade of a tree, waiting to see what it becomes.

i’ve been pondering the question of…

1. when you find the right person, you’ll find the place where you belong.

or,

2. when you find the right place, you’ll find the person with whom you belong.

i think it depends on the person. for me personally, i see the entire world as my canvas, and while i need a home base, i hope someday to have homes in various parts of the world. but people…if i don’t have people whom i feel safe with, i feel adrift. so ultimately, while i’ve spent the last few years running around traveling, thinking how la’s not the place for me, i think it’s because i’ve felt lonely and am looking for a person. probably when i find my person, i will be happy in almost any place.

but people who are more terrestrial, who derive more of their emotional security and satisfaction from locations, will probably want to find the right location, and are more adaptable when it comes to the people. they are able to feel safe as long as they are in a place that feels comfortable, and will try to make it work with someone who adds to their environment and security. so these people, will probably be more intent on finding a place they can call home, and the person will be a person that complements this place.

had basketball training today. put a basketball in my hand and i am poetry in motion.

i wish i played like this when i was 21. i would have been a college athlete and maybe gone professional by now. my knees…how they failed me. perhaps that was the universe’s way of telling me athletics weren’t my path. but whenever i’m playing and people comment about how hard i work, how good i am, how they can’t believe i’m in my 30’s, i always laugh inside at anyone who truly believes i have no discipline. i tend to joke and defer attention away from how serious and intense i am, making self-deprecating comments about how i have no discipline or self-control, but seriously, look at my life. look at my body, my mind, my outlook. how much discipline it has taken to be who i am today, where i am today. it makes me feel really good when people recognize and respect that.

and patience. when it comes to waiting for the right moment, the amount of patience i can dedicate to infatuation or goals is astounding. for 2 years, i’ve been busting my ass to cross paths with baron davis, for reasons i don’t know myself, but i’ve never forced it. i know it will happen when i’m in the right position. for 3 years of college (my entire college career), i didn’t date anyone because i was in love with a boy whom i could never express myself to. i have that discipline. and i have that patience when it comes to things i believe in, waiting for the right moment to grasp, even if that moment extends through my lifetime and never comes. but i can have that patience for the right moment.

i can get in quick, or i have the patience for a slow seduction…

i think seduction is about opening doors. making a connection. getting someone to put their trust in you, let you in. sometimes it’s mutual. those are the best seductions. but it’s got a stigma because people often use powers of seduction to win someone over, get something from someone else, whether or not their intentions are good or self-motivated. people don’t like to feel that someone has power over them. i’m quite adept at seduction…because my inner truth and capacity for faith is seductive. but i’m careful about not wanting people to feel i have ulterior motives, or power over them. this is why i have no second step. be it timidity, or an ethical constraint where i refuse in any way to have my presence construed as self-motivated or manipulative, i don’t do anything or take anything without someone consciously and clearly offering it to me. i don’t want anything from anyone unless they are sure they want to give it. i refuse to be an instrument of their own remorse or masochistic cycles (you’ll meet some people in life who have a bad habit of giving away things, and then feeling resentful like victims. don’t let them use you to complete this negative cycle). i just like to get in, understand people, help if i can, take only what people truly want to exchange. but usually, i leave everything the way i find it. it’s like the vampire code. i only go where i’m invited. people have to want me, for me to want anything from them. otherwise, i’m pretty self-contained trying to make the connections that get me where i’m going, looking for the people who i feel at home with and who call me home, and just feeling happy being helpful where i can be.

my coach today was at it again. i’m shooting free throws and he says, tell me, ms. confidence, i wanna ask you a question.

sure, i say.

why do you think you can have me? why do you have so much confidence that you can get into my head?

i laugh. i was expecting something along these lines, but not this angle specifically.

i don’t think i can have you, i said. but i know that guys tend to be fixated on me, and whether or not they understand why, i suspect it’s because they can’t understand why a girl would have what i have, and yet, not give it up. why i would willingly not want to sleep with anyone, even though there’s no reason for me not to. so guys are always poking at me, trying to find out why i don’t want them, why i’m not turned on by them, why i don’t let them in. but that’s not the issue. the thing is, i only want what’s mine–no more, no less. i can walk into this gym, see a bunch of fine brothers with their shirts off and think, wow…that’s nice. but that’s as far as it goes. i don’t want to touch. i don’t want to get involved. i want to focus on what i’m doing to improve myself, and work on my life, so that i can put myself in the best position to have what i want, and the person i want to share it with. so no, i don’t think i can have you, but i think you’ve projected that as what i’m up to because you’re the one who can’t get your mind off of it. You’re basically creating my power over you in your own head.

i don’t think about it at all, he says, defensively.

really, i say. then why do you bring up the same conversation every session?

no i don’t, he says.

it’s okay, i say. i am the complete package. i’m someone who’s smart, dynamic, funny, caring, capable and decent looking, but on top of that, i’m a really nice and genuine person. so i’m accessible, i’m attainable. the problem is, i only want one guy, but i don’t know who he is yet, so that’s why people are always poking at me. they don’t understand what i’m waiting for, when i do. i know he’s out there, i just don’t have the specifics yet.

you’re a trip, he said. you are definitely very, very interesting. i have a feeling we’re going to go beyond our professional relationship, because i’m gonna have to be pals with you.

i only have one thing to say about that, i say. don’t. fall in love.

i ain’t gonna fall in love, he says, laughing but almost offended.

but i’m not saying this to be an asshole or out of arrogance. the dude is fixated. he’s turning this into a personal quest, but the problem is, he’s not my dude.

i do love our sessions though. today he would tell me how many shots i had to hit to complete a drill or redo the whole drill, and i was feeling playful so i kept telling him i would give him exactly what he wanted, so i would always make exactly however many shots he said i needed to make. then i asked him if he could let me do a long-range 3-point drill, just give me 5 shots at 5 positions outside the arc, and if i hit 12, i would give him a high five.

a high five, he asked. that’s all i get?

i’m doing all the work, i said. yet i’m willing to split the reward 50/50 with you. so you should be happy with that.

i ended up hitting 14 of 25. it was kind of crap because i can hit 21 of 25 on a good day. he was impressed. some pros can’t even do that, he said.

i’m fairly focused today, i said.

saw the trainer who wants to train me. (happened to run into eytan as well. he and i are always randomly crossing paths). she said to me, i would love to kick your ass!

i started laughing so hard. told her i haven’t had anyone say that to me since the 4th grade.

she said that it’s because i’m in such good shape, it would be interesting to her to challenge me.

i don’t know. i tend to put myself through so much self-discipline. i’m not as motivated when someone else gives me directives. i always follow directions and do what is asked, but i tend to feel i’m doing it out of obligation, and it doesn’t keep me focused for very long. still, it’s funny to hear someone say that they want to kick your ass.

i talked with a woman who is always good at guiding me and keeping me focused. a few things she said that i want to write down so i don’t forget:

1. Do not go where you’ve gone before. Do not get held by illusions. So many people get chained to life and things that they’re settling for because they get chained to illusions or fear. You have broken free. Don’t willingly chain yourself again.

2. She compared me to a Lamborghini. Said I’ve amassed the speed, the power, the looks. Now the world is asking, what am I going to do with it. My next move will be very important. Focus on my expression. I’ve collected enough stuff to start showing the world what I’ve been working on. It’s time to prepare for that and not get distracted. She told me in particular to not let my emotions drag me away from this moment. My emotions have helped me collect my material and inspiration. Now is the time for the mind to take over and structure launch. Also, do not let others drag me away from what I’m working on. Right now is a time when people start challenging me and my focus, because it’s the most important time to test my commitment to myself. I have to stay very focused. I know that I’ve been really clear about telling myself that what is lost was once found and what is found was once lost, so nothing of value is ever lost forever.

Last month, I wrote to my friend, Nick:

Maybe to gain more of what you want in life, you have to be willing to give up more. But maybe if you take that leap of faith and trust that whatever you get back will make up for what you gave up, what happens is you get back the very thing you gave up. That’s kind of my secret theory.

It’s kind of like how Brian, notorious for his lack of purchasing restraint, made himself choose only one candle out of two. But he ended up with both. Now is the time for me to trust my theory, and let go of anything that will prevent me from moving forward. If anything I let go of is valuable, it will still be there, or be in an even better position, on the other side.

3. She told me to be careful that I don’t play for something someone doesn’t have, so I end up losing. This reminded me of how I wrote a couple of days ago that to start off with a compromised goal is unforgivable. I would never play in a game if I was told that for whatever reason, I would not be eligible for the top prize. Because then what’s the point of playing? Do I not deserve a chance at the top prize? Her telling me this reminded me that I want a fair playing field with fair goals, that if I work really hard, there’s no outside force that will unfairly tell me that I can’t have what I deserve. So if a game is set up to not be satisfactory, then I am free to choose a new game. And I only want one that challenges me to reach for the top.

4. She made a funny comment about my sexual magnetism right now. About how much power I’ve stored up, I’m like both the light and the dark side of the moon simultaneously and it must be making men go haywire. I laughed. No comment.

a lot of people say i live an interesting life, or that i seem to be really “lucky.”

if they really got to know me and thought about it, they would see how i’m not lucky, as much as i’ve earned everything that i have and that has come into my life, because i’ve faced life lessons, taken risks, built myself and my abilities, and i’ve learned what it means to intuitively have good timing. when to accept and when to yield to the will of the universe or others. how to communicate with it. recognize open doors. recognize my soulmates.

most importantly, how to ask for what i want, by focusing on what i really want, and being careful of the words and images i put out there.

the universe is usually happy to give you anything, as long as it gets you where you’re supposed to be going and you’re learning what you need to learn. beware, it has a wicked sense of irony and is not above teaching you a necessary lesson. but the most important rule to think about is,

“will i want what i get, when i get what i want?”

that really helps Future You not be resentful of Past You, and not hold grudges.

most of the random, lucky things that happen, if you look back, you’ll see that i was reaching for them in the past, that i was working hard building my understanding of what i want, then looking for it, chipping away at it, like a sculptor in search of the angel within the stone, not realizing the angel is derived from something deep within him.

runners focus a certain number of feet ahead of them. if you look at the edge of your periphery in your mind, the farthest point illuminated when you think of your path, you should be able to see things. maybe they’re murky shapes. maybe they’re a mix of the concrete and the abstract. maybe you have trouble distinguishing what’s real from what’s imagination, what is hope, dream, wish, fear. regardless, take the time to focus on this spot. work to get to a place where you can distinguish real shapes that you believe to be true, even if you’re not sure what they are. learn to read shapes and signs. and carve at it until the closer you get, the more clear and solid they become. beware of injecting your fears. these project into the future. beware of allowing your humility to compromise all that could be waiting for you. the problem is often not that people ask for too much, but that they don’t ask for what is fully possible to them. they sell themselves short. be honest about who you are and what you want in your life to be happy. then ask for the most possible within that truthful framework.

i remember last year, i called rie from amsterdam and told her my boyfriend had proposed to me. i was a little apprehensive because he did this after an argument, and my gut feeling was that there was something very wrong with this…that this occurrence signaled something deeper and more problematic than i had the perspective to understand at the time, so i wanted to know her perspective.

she told me, marriage is not something that just happens. it’s not a proposition that just sneaks up on you, and then you have this tiny window to say yes, or no, and suddenly, your entire life swings by this moment’s decision, leaving you at life’s whim. she said it’s something that two people unfold, a decision, a belief, that this is the next stage in the path, that through consideration and understanding of themselves and their hopes and dreams, the idea to get married itself is not a random act of chance, but a solid, adult and collaborative decision in the face of life’s randomness and chance.

in a way, i think life in general is like that. so many people perceive it as so big, so random, so in control, that they believe the only power they have are the decisions they make in the moment when they’re suddenly faced with a decision. but the truth is, most of the time, you build your future.

i always wonder, when i see things in the future that later on end up happening, if i saw it because it was there, sitting in the future, or was it because I saw it, it became the future. am i an observer, or am i a reality projector?

to be honest, we are both. there are things we can not change because of the way we’ve built up our lives, like the waves of the ocean hitting the beach that are coming because of all that has already been put into motion. but unless you’ve completely walked your life into a corner, there’s so much room for creation. so much room to decide who you want to be, and what you want in your life, so that you can set yourself a direction and put yourself in the best position to get there.

people with good timing are not psychic. or magicians. nor are they purely lucky. they are people who, within some place inside themselves, understand that there is a balanced relationship between their personal universe inside them and the workings of the world outside. they understand that by always understanding where they are now, and being able to look at the farthest point of their forward periphery, they can find and project what is there, because these are things that they had previously believed and asked for.

i knew in march that i was aiming for august, that i will meet someone very extraordinary. i have put myself in the exact position to do that, and met an extraordinary person. through this experience, i now know what i’m looking for within someone’s eyes, within someone’s mind, heart and soul. i’ve been refocused.

now, when i look forward in my periphery, i see hard work and words. lots and lots of words. i see collaboration, i see a need to focus with september through october being dedicated to laying down roots, settling down and making money, building my reputation, finally showing people what i’ve been working on. i see beneficial collaboration with exciting, talented people. and i see a very interesting man with bright eyes who will understand me.

if i should get there, it will be exactly where i was meant to be. and when i achieve what i saw and happiness radiates out of me, people will again say, what a magical life you live. how lucky you are.

but i’ll remember, that i built it. i saw it, i felt it was best for me so i believed in it, walking towards it through the tunnel of time, taking what i needed and building my life, myself, my connections and my experiences in necessary ways to get to that place.

i believe this is the strongest way to live. if you ever ask me what is the secret to a magical life, it is this. know what you want. look into your future, see it there, believe in it, then bust your ass to put yourself in the best position to be in that time and place.