Echo

some people are good at losing things.
some people are good at finding things.

if you are really good at finding,
you don’t have to be afraid of losing.

i’m going to write the final chapter of the cruise story when i get back to la. seems fitting.

in the meantime, here’s a stream for you, on my personal dime. this is me at play.

when you can’t sleep, your mind processes reawakening in a very fragmented way. you suddenly find yourself in a moment of the space between, when you don’t know who you are, where you are, how you got here. and suddenly, there’s an idea, something familiar, that roots you back into reality.

so my question. synchronicity or coincidence:

in my downward sleep cycle when i thought my mind had completely taken over, i was awakened twice in a row by an unexpected kiss.

once on the plane home off of 2 hours of sleep, i was in a fragmented dream world when i suddenly became aware that i was being wetly kissed on the chin, suddenly finding myself back on the plane with my 4 year-old cousin on my lap. it was sweet and unexpected, putting me momentarily between worlds. it made me believe in a sweet, innocent world.

the next, i’d arrived home and michael and my dad were so happy to see us. they had such good energy, they must have had a really bonding father-son weekend together. my dad asked my mom how the cruise was. i popped in my earphones and listened to paranoid android. letting her tell her story.

we were on the bridge by the time i took my earphones out. i’d been watching the water fly by through the window, alternating streaks of grays and blues. everyone sooner or later became aware i was back in the room.

mom: julia was very popular.
dad: yeah?
mom: we were having drinks and the chef sent us drinks, then a bottle of wine at dinner.
dad: really.
julia: he’s a jamaican guy in his 40’s. i think he just really liked the song i chose.
mom: but he’s part chinese.

we got home and i’m like staggering. if people really knew how tired i was, they would be amazed that i’m not in a coma. but this kind of strength is easy for me, when i feel what i’m doing means something.

i wanted to keep writing, get it all down before it faded, but it’s really hard for me to write in the day and trust i won’t take the soul out of writing. but i wanted to try. michael offered to buy me coffee and have his ride bring it back for me. it was amazingly conscious and sweet. i wrote down what i wanted, and sure enough, jan walks in with my coffee. but iced, not hot like i ordered. michael’s personal touch. once i saw it, i realized i actually preferred it iced.

started writing, wondered if i would be more efficient if i tried to get a little bit of sleep. i really prefer nighttime. went to bed, and forced myself to drift off into a meditational state, that dropped off into sleep. woke up not knowing who the hell just kissed me on my cheek. looked around the room for other people, because i just came from a world where a lot of kids were running around. realized, who else would it be but michael.

i’m going to get my new iphone, he said. he was giddy with happiness. pure love.

i’m assuming this is where the idea of kisses from princes waking up princesses became so magical. it pulls them out of a completely disordered or blank world.

went to the gym today. andrew seemed almost afraid to hug me. or too distracted. had no energy at all because i completely had no desire to eat yesterday. i’m telling everyone i forgot but i didn’t. my mind is so magnetized it’s completely running the ship here.

i’m itching to talk about all the synchronicities i experienced this week. there were so many, their occurrences started becoming a bit of a caricature of themselves. and all the while, i feel like because i can see them and they’re tickling me silly, i must be the sanest person in this place because i’m watching the magic as it happens. unless other people saw them, too. then it means there really are others like me.

Update: Part II of Cruise report up. Was trying to add more pictures and the formatting messed up so had to go into the code. Posted it under Part I so it can be read linearly. Part III pending. I’ll write it when the sun goes down.

Control yourself. Take only what you need from it…

–mgmt

guess i did make it to 3am. this is problematic. i can’t sleep. echoes are roaring in my head. difficult because i was sleeping pretty well on the ship. hopefully, i get back to a better sleep schedule when i get back to la.

there were two dreams that i remember from the first then second night at sea. i was astounded by how vivid they were.

in the first, i was living in an urban city with high rises, like new york. we were all in this tall building when someone saw a triangular object coming down from the sky, moving in an odd way like nothing i’ve ever seen, like it was descending at an angle too fast, too smoothly to be anything i was familiar with. suddenly, it began methodically shooting blasts at the city, and wherever these blasts were directed, the entire area was engulfed in an explosion. the triangle thing was very methodical, working in a grid. as soon as it was happening, we all started screaming. i was with a guy played by Alex O’Loughlin (the shield), who frankly, is pretty hot. he and i were in a building together when we saw the attack begin, and he grabbed my hand and dragged me downstairs into the streets. the explosions were getting closer and we found this busted old station wagon on the street. he broke the window then unlocked the door, hotwiring the car. we speed out of the city and managed to get on a road that led into the country before our area of the grid got hit, but behind us, the entire city was burning.

we went to this cottage in the country where this woman alex knew lived. she was played by halle berry (i know, it was weird how i was aware that actors were playing the people in my dream, yet the dream felt completely real. like simultaneously knowing something is not real and real, and both are distinctly correct). she was an artist of some sort, and i think they used to be in a relationship but were friends now, but it was something i didn’t worry about. (i also remember thinking that once halle berry meets alex in real life, she’ll leave gabriel aubry for him, even though he’s the father of her baby).

at the cottage, we tried every radio station and there was nothing but static. when i woke up, we were still in the cottage figuring out what to do.

in the dream the next night, i was dating this guy i dated a long time ago when i was young, this guy who did something really fucked up that wounded my ability to trust men for a little while. he looked different though, more athletic, happier, so i didn’t seem to remember that this was not someone i wanted in my life. like somehow, i knew who he was, but i didn’t recognize him as that bad guy, so i was happy being with him. i was at one of the studio lots when i ran into my friend tina, who by now was doing really well with acting, having gotten a major role in a tv show. she looked great and i was really happy for her. i introduced her to my boyfriend and we were catching up, and then at some point i realized that i had talked to her about this guy when we had been dating back then, that she’d heard of him, so i said, oh tina, this is so and so. (like you know, that guy). i remember her eyes getting really wide and she pulled me aside and asked what i was doing with him. she reminded me that this guy’s kind of a bad guy. then all the memories flooded back, and i didn’t understand how i could have forgotten. i got really angry that he’d tricked his way into my life again. i started going off on him about how much he’d affected my life for so long, how hard it was to let anyone in after that, how he affected every single relationship i’d had since. i was really upset and letting all these pent up feelings out. he left, and tina told me, don’t worry about it; you’re walking your path, and he’s walking his own. don’t worry about his, just your own.

i took it as a really positive dream. i never got to say all the things i needed to say to him in real life, have thankfully never run into him, but in a way, i think that was my mind letting something go. i woke up feeling lighter. and tina looked great, radiant. i hope it means that she’s got a big break coming up.

part II of cruise report under part I so it can be read linearly. will have to finish tomorrow. have to go pass out. not going to make it to 3am tonight. hope everyone had a good 22 day.