Echo

i am starting to realize how serious of a person i am. i’m a very light, happy person, but these facets are not contradictory. a person can be a serious person and still have a light personality. no wonder i didn’t want to be anywhere except the dark comedy niche. i love making people laugh. but i want to make people think. i just don’t make anything for pure entertainment’s sake. i want to always leave people with something to think about, a question to take away that works away at the corners of their mind. or just a belief. in something new. in something different. doesn’t matter. just a belief.

i believe this contributes to why my friends call me private, caring and shy, and people in the world who meet me do not.

i think it’s good though. my seriousness makes me think a lot, consider ideas, their evolution and potential benefits and consequences, so that i can navigate this world and take care of myself and the ones i love. but my detached, light approach to dealing with life and its changes allows me to touch another level of living, where there is hope, innocence, magic and possibilities. i think it’s kind of like one side of me is very well aware of the present as things are now. the other, is very well aware of what’s possible, the highest potential of any given reality. and i’m really good at seeing things as they are and as they could be, and because i’ve imagined it as a linear map, i usually have a good idea of where a person or situation is on this map; i don’t often confuse the two by expecting more than is possible. this also gives me a good sense of direction.

so much is about learning to accept and not resist, even if you feel a drive to. if you can trust yourself to stand your own ground, you will be able to discern where your journey takes you and roll with what you meet. i always find that things should naturally come, if they are meant to come. everything else– just details in the spaces in between.

i think the problem is, heaven and hell in one drop tastes so good that it becomes a high. something difficult to attain but highly rewarding. the ends of the universe. two polarities occupying the exact same spot.

but if you asked me what is the one dimension of life i would take with me if i was stranded on a deserted island and had to make my days, i would say– simple, stable and self-contained with infinite room for small pleasures.

work is done! now we play!

i know these guys. i love how gay they’re playing.

first of all (yes, here i go with my love of listing)

i hate having to capitalize letters. it’s like making me put pants on after a summer of running around in shorts and skirts.

second of all

this freakin’ cruise story’s like the longest story i’ve concentrated on in my life, i think. this is completely unprecedented. well, maybe except in the 4th grade, when i wrote this like 25 page poem about this bus driver i hated. oooooh, so passive-aggressive, that one there sitting in the back of the bus writing……….

lastly,

today, was ridiculously beautiful in la. i mean, sunshine coming out of my pores, beautiful. i walked into the gym and everyone turned and stared. these are some big black guys. who are college and professional athletes. with their shirts off. and i don’t think they can collectively believe that i’m a woman walking in here, and i’m just so happy being myself that i haven’t noticed them, outside of their being an interesting part of the background in this current “scene” of my life.

these guys wanted to play 3’s again. they had a new guy and they were telling them how i killed them a few weeks ago. the guy was like, really?, like he was open to it, so i scored the first two baskets (though I was 2-5 so i did miss some shots), but to be honest, the game has become much easier for me. things don’t move as quickly anymore, so it’s like, instead of having to work harder to speed up, i get myself to perceive the game as being slowed down.

that has always been a theory of mine, that great athletes actually perceive time as being slower, which is why we perceive them as being faster.

i also suspect, it’s my perception of time that makes it so sometimes people say i disappear and reappear so suddenly, and why sometimes i can be in a room with someone and they don’t notice me. it’s all about perception. between another person and yours.

drills were hard at first, but then when i asked for a challenging shooting drill, my coach didn’t think i could make it through it. so then i really wanted to, and ended up doing really well. the funny thing was, the whole time i was wondering what i was going to write today, so i wasn’t really paying attention. maybe that helped. the last shot was so smooth i already had my arms up in victory before it went in.

my coach came up and said i was done for the day. and that some men get paid a lot of money professionally, and they can’t finish the drill.

i know for a fact, i am the coolest girl he’s ever met.

went to urth cafe. got the usual. good god that coffee is an addiction. this is usually where i go in after training to read and write, but i had work to do on the computer at home. i hate putting coffee in a paper cup. if beer in a bottle is like beer in a coffin, then coffee in a paper cup is like coffee thrown into a sack like a stray cat and thrown into a river.

coffee should be slowly enjoyed on a cool, clear day with amazing company.

not this bullshit.

but at least urth does serve in ceramic cups if you stay, so that’s why they’ve got my loyalty.

i was very friendly. all of my toes cramped up at the same time. that was very unusual. i had to stretch in line.

took the best open car drive home. singing. dancing. i got nuthin’ to worry about. got home. procrastinated. blogging about everything that was not supposed to be what i was blogging about. then finally finished the thing i’d been working on. at least, just the part i’ve been working on.

watched the sunset. for a brief few minutes, the sky goes lavender and i have to say that’s my current favorite shade of color. oh, i love anything lavender. i still have dreams about that honey lavender ice cream in seattle.

i’m thinking about seattle again. the future location of the julia writing cave. where i go when i’ve disappeared. but first, i have to establish something there. i have to find a way to monetize the location and plan to secondarily establish. i feel like i can do step one, the rest will fall into place. i guess the first step is often a leap of faith.

a new thought today…

how to globalize my reality.

i have been fixed for a very long time, though i would travel, but only for short blips. then last year, i went to amsterdam and now i had a separate reality. but it was polarized between old and current, not an extension of my home.

if i could find a place in my life where it’s easy for me to get around most of the globe, have a reason and means to do this travel and extend my life into various locations, i would have ultimate freedom. i would have a purpose on a larger scale, establish wider branching roots covering various locations, communities and people, and ultimately, open my search and ability to be with the one i want to be with.

i’ve realized i’ve got to think bigger, to not underestimate my ability of projection and attraction, to think of a new way to grow my life path and awareness.

the first though, is to always know what you want. maybe not the exact thing, but a general idea and direction that you faithfully believe in. then you always have one thing that you have absolute conviction is real, something that always gives you direction when you are amidst the challenges of your journey.

good god. finally finished and added missing pieces to part III of the cruise report. still more to come.

had basketball training. glad i was hungry yesterday, finally, so had more strength today. my coach wanted to know why i had texted him about not wanting a heavy workout, and i told him because i hadn’t gotten very much sleep or really eaten because i’m in writing mode. it’s a fever. i remembered that he’s a virgo, so i told him that i fell flat on my face for a virgo. he said, of course you did, we’re the best. he said that i’m a beautiful girl, stuck on a boat, no ring on my finger, all the guys were probably trying to hit it and knew that they could get in with persistence. i told him, i think it takes a little more than persistence to get me.

he said, that’s all it takes to get a girl. guys know how to work a girl. girls always say they want more, but we don’t care what’s in your mind. we just want to get in, and get what we want, and deep down, that’s what girls want as well. he said that if we didn’t have a professional relationship, he could get me through my mind, because he knows exactly how to work me.

i must have raised my eyebrow and given him quite the skeptical look, because he says, don’t you raise your eyebrow at me! i could totally get you. what you see here, is just a taste.

he was kind of crowding me, putting his body about six inches away from me, his big frame towering. it felt like a game, to see if he could get me to break down, like the proximity of his male heat was going to intimidate me. i didn’t want to be rude and laugh. i realized this wasn’t about anything except his wanting to feel good enough for me, that he really could get me, bed me, win me.

i thought about it.

it takes more, i said. i’m not an ordinary person. it takes much more to get me. and the surprising thing is, it takes soooo much more to trip up the defenses of my heart and make me fall, it turned out the thing that did it was just the very simplest thing.

what’s that, he asked.

just a truly nice, intelligent, decent human being who made me feel understood.

he shook his head. i could see my words going right over him.

just get over there and shoot free throws, he said, and bounced me the ball.

if you’re such a poet, use your tongue and show it…

hahaha

this is my theme song today:

they say that talk is cheap and time is too expensive
so in these hard times i form lines to gain entrance
some say it loud but stay at a safe distance
some get close enough to whisper it
(same difference)
plain as the day is long
same song
with new moves…
trippin’ in the 0-9 crew
thinkin’ i won’t fly it
i’ll pilot the globe
because where we’re going we don’t need no roads
(i’m takin’ off….)

i got nuthin’ to worry about

–Nothing to Worry About, Peter, Bjorn & John (Troublemaker Remix)

I dedicate this song to all my bruthas and sistas out there. May you feel the breeze through your fingers, and remember what it was like to run free.

looked over the schedule again. 9/16/2009…phoenix at the greek. phoenix at the greek.

the last few weeks, i’ve been really fixated on the phoenix symbol, getting the closest i’ve ever been to getting a tattoo. i wanted the symbol to have exactly 36 parts representing 9, the goddess in numerical form, and it had to look like two mirrored birds come together to form the wings of the larger phoenix. something like this:

julia once fell in love with a boy who always went with his second choice.

now she finds that she wants to be with a boy who will be happy with his first.

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things – we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn’t keep me warm
Im learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought Id figured out
I have to learn again

-don henley, heart of the matter

i had no idea where i was when i woke up this morning.
the last 7 placed i’ve woken up in the last 5 days:

ship cabin
bed in vancouver
floor in vancouver
plane*
guest room in fremont*
guest room in fremont
own bed in la

(*woken up with a kiss from someone pure of heart. jonathan then my brother, respectively. a very sweet way to be pulled back into this world)

combined with how far i’m going in my conscious mindscape, and how far i’m feeling and traveling in my dreamscape, today took a very, very long time to adjust and figure out where i was and what kind of world i was in.

i’m assuming this means my old perspective has been fragmented. am itching to hit the usual spots to see if i see the same old things in new light.

the full moon drew people out of the wood work. last month someone was pushing at my boundaries and i had to energetically roar a little to get him to back off. i didn’t have room for him in my life in the place he wanted to be, and i told him i didn’t want to hear from him for a while. that he should be working on his art, because i’m busy working on mine.

he’s been off the radar and i finally got some peace, but as soon as i turned on my phone after landing in vancouver, the whole cruise experience swirling in my mindspace, finally, after so long, an overwhelming need from the words themselves to output, he texts. i mean, like 5 seconds after my phone got service again. he always does creepy things like that. how does he just know. i lied and said i wasn’t coming back to la for a while because i’m going through some major life changes. he wants to talk about what he’s been working on, says there’s been some exciting new developments, and wants to catch up. last i talked to him, he said i inspired some orchestral pieces from him.

i don’t know. i’m curious about the art, scared of the man with the net.

truthfully, if you ask me, i lost 6 lbs of words.

brian and julia are the big brother and big sister of the world. brian specializes in career and business pursuits, while julia hones people’s souls to prepare for a humane new millenium.