how much of reality do you believe? how do you interpret positive from negative? what is okay, and what is not okay?
my life…whenever i’m given a choice, i always choose the one that will lead to something new. something interesting. sometimes it’s conscious, sometimes i only understand my motivations in hindsight (perhaps for some of them, i will never fully understand). but there’s always a moment of hesitation when i make a choice…
do i commit to experiencing this new potential that is in the present, or do i maintain my stance, and not get caught up?
is it okay, how i am living my life?
i’m not very motivated to write about the cruise, but i will. eventually. probably not linearly. but i feel the most important thing to know is that my shadow side, my mischievous side, was coming on so strong, i could feel it in my teeth. it became so urgent, as we headed out after dinner the first night, i had to pull cody aside and tell her, i feel a sin coming on… but yet, i was very, very good. outputted it all carefully. positively. did not physically seduce anyone for sport. accepted that the weekend would not feature any deep connections, yet did not create superficial connections out of boredom or frustration. i felt my soul being asphyxiated, but i bore it with discipline and a sense of humor. there were times i fell into my shadow…i was a silent panther prowling the jungle, but not for hunt, but to be myself, my silent powerful self, and explore my domain. i can cite 3 incidences where i somehow became invisible. or was perceived that way.
1. first dinner. was wearing black. sat down and waitress gave everyone a menu but skipped me. not sure how she did that. she took their order. left. i had to ask her for a menu. later, she came back, picked it up and left. came back. said she realized i didn’t order.
2. second night. a couple dressed as pirates and a photographer came by, taking pictures with people dining, one by one (yeah, i know. pirates. i was expecting cowboys and indians next, or maybe richard simmons. this cruise line knew how to work the photo ops). i was in the 2nd row, end of the table. they took pictures with everyone at the table next to us, then moved to us. crap, i thought. i don’t want my picture taken. i’m feeling camera shy this trip. shadowy. they came to our table and took pictures with everyone at our table across from us. then they came to our side, and went straight to karen sitting next to me but completely skipped me like they didn’t even see me. the pirates took pictures with everyone down our row, then moved to the table behind us. the photographer followed, and i grinned. i’m invisible!, i thought. i accidentally caught his eye. he saw me with that big i-got-away-with-something grin. wait, he said. you didn’t take a picture! (damn)
3. third night. sarita convinced me to play craps. so i played the usual–6, 8, 9. except whenever i would win, they would give my money to sarita. i thought maybe i was mistaken, but it happened quite a few times. i didn’t get anything for my bets and they kept paying to sarita next to me. at one point she even said, why am i getting money? i have no bets down. i said, i think they’re paying you for my bets. next time, 8 hit (i had money on it) and they paid out. i took the money and the dealer said, no, that’s hers, pointing to sarita. you placed the bets for me, i said. she doesn’t even have bets down! he looked at me like he didn’t know who the fuck i was, like i’d suddenly appeared (we were the only two people on that side of the table). he looked at the pit boss who shrugged. this is weird, sarita said. let’s go.
it’s like i was hidden by shadows.
*****
my body and mind were able to run separately. i felt that dance floor like liquid sex. but in the meantime, i was watching everyone. and watching no one. i was alone in me.
people respected my being. i was unbridled light as my inner world plunged into darkness. i was completely balanced and peaceful. i could be in a dance club, feeling the night like it was coming out of my soul, and be aware of people trying to connect on the periphery, but if i didn’t acknowledge their presence, they wouldn’t come near me. i was in complete control of my experience. every once in a while, some guys, young spirits, would try to get my attention. nothing would change inside me, except in my mind, through my eyes, i would think…if a guy truly thinks he’s strong enough to play with me and respect me for me, then let’s see what you’ve got.
to be honest, they all kind of ran away. i don’t think anything of it. just that you have to believe you’re good enough to approach someone, in order to be good enough. same for me–there are some people who can still make me chicken out. but if i do, it’s because deep down, i probably didn’t feel i was good enough to connect with them, and therefore, i made it so. reality and perception are just so truthful like that. and the guys would watch from the shadows, but left me alone without any games.
i started pulling inward by the 2nd day, reaching a quiet sense of integrity and peace. didn’t have much to say outside of funny moments and jokes when the moment begged for them. the energy was too shallow. it wasn’t engaging me. so like a computer hibernating, the deeper part of me went to sleep, saving up for later.
the last night, i was sleeping when a good friend of mine, AD walks into our room with my roommate. i’d disappeared that night (left to wander, then write). they’re happy to have found me. i have a conversation with him in the dark, and he wants to know about my “game,” why it’s so easy for me to attract men and know how to talk to them, so i’m explaining it to him–if you just don’t overextend and let the dance of chemistry/energy move you, you know when, what and how to get into anyone, because everything you need to know about someone, they’ll tell you or show you. you recognize whose door is open to you, and whose isn’t, so you never try beyond your means. you just have to recognize the opportunities if their door is open to you, and if so, how to approach in a way that is comfortable.
but AD, of all people, knows i’m catch and release. i don’t mess around with people. i would never consciously take advantage of a soul. he’s known me for 10 years, and i’ve been there for him whenever he’s needed a friend, a caring shoulder, healing wisdom, a woman’s perspective. he knows my heart. he knows i’m a good person.
so then, why did the conversation take such a bizarre turn? he suddenly asks if my vagina is magical. what makes these guys act the way they do around you?, he asks. are you basically saying your vagina’s magic?
what?, i say. whether or not it’s magical, i’ve never said that.
then he gets upset that i’m so “mysterious” and passionately laments that he’s known me for a decade and he still doesn’t know anything about me. he says i don’t let him get to know me.
i’m dumbfounded.
i say that i’m one of the most open people he’s ever met. i try to always answer every question. and i’ve always been truthful with him.
he said that i don’t answer any questions. that every time he tries to get close to me, i start talking about things he doesn’t understand, and…”what the fuck are you talking about, julia?”
i tell him everything i say is truthful. that maybe, because truth is so big, so dimensional, that sometimes i feel it’s hard to capture, but i always try to communicate it comprehensively. and if someone doesn’t understand, i always work hard trying to say things in different ways for them to understand. for example, imagine a glass of water sitting on a chair. you can describe it as “a glass of water sitting on a chair.” you can describe it from a molecular level. you can describe the shadows and light from a poetic metaphorical level. they’re all true. sometimes it’s just a matter of describing what
‘s true from different levels until you hit the level that the person you’re talking to understands. but i always, always try. i’m known for it.
maybe i don’t ask the right questions, but you go out of your way not to give answers.
i answer everything, AD. when have i not answered a question you had about me?
right now. you haven’t answered my question.
what’s your question?
have you ever considered the possibility that you could be wrong?
about what?
just wrong. that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
yes.
you have?
yes. of course. no one’s right all the time. we all just build our understandings based on theories, and evidence to support theories. you have to be willing to question and adjust your theories, in order to evolve. it’s by challenging yourself and your beliefs that you learn what’s real.
but that’s not what i asked.
what did you ask?
if you ever admit you’re wrong about something.
that’s not what you originally asked, but again, yes. i always do. especially if i’m faced with strong evidence. then i would readjust what i think and believe to fit the evidence.
what the hell does that mean? you still haven’t answered my question.
(now i’m kinda irritated, and getting more fiery, but i’m still calm)
AD, i answered your question 3 times unequivocally with “yes,” but started qualifying them because you weren’t accepting my basic answer. karen, didn’t i answer him directly 3 times?
karen, whose bed AD’s sitting on, says, yes.
but AD bulldozes on.
but you haven’t been straightforward. see, i just can’t believe in why you can say the things you say so confidently, when i don’t know where it comes from. you need to show me where it comes from.
(what, you want me to show you my magical vagina? what the fuck is he talking about?)
i’ve always been open with you, i say. and i’m more than happy explaining what i see and believe. but you have to be willing to listen. you have to meet me halfway and be willing to understand, and be willing to see things through my perspective without feeling the need to immediately judge it.
i’m not being judgmental. you’re being judgmental.
wha…what the fuck, AD? that doesn’t even make sense.
i’m just saying, i’m willing to admit when i’m ignorant. but you need to admit that you can’t communicate and you need to work harder if i can’t understand you. it’s like if a student isn’t learning, it’s the teacher’s fault.
yeah, but the student has to be open to learning from that teacher. he can’t get scared every time he hears something he doesn’t understand and get defensive.
whoa whoa whoa, who’s talking about being scared? i would say that’s a strong word and you’re trying to place a feeling into me when i’m trying to rationally build an argument here. i would say that i’m being very logical in pointing out the irrationality of what you’re saying, and you can’t handle it. because i’m not the one being emotional, you are. i’m being perfectly logical. and you’re the one being defensive.
(okay, i know i’m being heated, but i’ve been laying in bed the whole time with my hands under my head, and my pulse hasn’t gone up. my ex used to make me damn near nuts with his argumentative circles and mindfucks, and i didn’t like how angry that would make me. since then, i’ve been very careful about not getting fired up in these situations. he’s overheating my head, but i’m keeping my emotions under tight control).
i’m not being emotional, AD. i’m frustrated with this discussion, but my pulse hasn’t even gone up.
see, another one of your statements. how can you say that without having an ekg machine here? you don’t know that. your statement is unverifiable.
you’re telling me that i don’t know my own feelings or inner state? that i can’t own my own statements about myself? now you’re being straight up disrespectful, i say.
suddenly, i remember this other “friend” i have (a cappy mountain goat like AD), who drives me crazy in this exact way. we worked together in promoting in amsterdam, and even though he knew i was living with a boyfriend, he would always tell me how much he wanted to fuck me, and was always suggesting that we should have sex. he did it in a funny, desperate enough way that it was easy to brush off, easy to not take seriously, and outside of that, we had a good working relationship. so when i came back to the states, we kept in touch over facebook, but he would always say shit that would piss me off, along the lines of his wanting to have sex with me, but i would always sidestep it. so when i went to florida for a few months, he kept messaging me to come visit him in louisiana. i said, no. he asked me, why not. i said, because you’re going to try to have sex with me.
you should have seen this guy blow his top. how dare you assume that, he stewed. you’re so fucking arrogant. i think you’re a beautiful, amazing creature, but i’m insulted you would think i would try to sleep with you when i’ve invited you out here as a friend. i didn’t think you were so low-minded, but you’re just one of those girls who can’t be friends with guys because you assume they all want to sleep with you. and that’s ignorant.
wtf. i pointed out hard evidence of things he said in the past, and he stuck by his original argument…that i’m arrogant for “assuming” he wants to sleep with me.
it’s a very specific type of mindfuck. it always makes me stumble and i really hate people who try that on me.
so back to the room. AD has just told me i can’t verify that my pulse hasn’t increased without an ekg machine, so therefore, i can’t know my inner state and have to accept his evaluation that i’m being emotional.
i’ve had enough for the night.
get out of our room, AD. we’ve gotta sleep. get the fuck out of our room.
no, wait! give me 5 more minutes, he says. all i’m saying, julia, is that we’ve known each other for 10 years. i don’t know why i don’t know you, i don’t know why you keep yourself so mysterious, but i’m saying, we should be a lot closer. we have moments where we’re connected and i feel like i know you, but then sometimes you’re talking, and i don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. maybe i’m fucking ignorant, but you need to try harder.
he gets up and gives me a big, drunken hug, kissing me on top of my head.
but i love you anyway, julia.
leaves.
he does not acknowledge this conversation whatsoever the next day, though everyone else is talking about it.
i’ve been very quiet, since then. silent. don’t want to talk to anyone, don’t want to look anyone in the eye. outside of transactions (ie saying thank you to the cashier when i buy coffee), i’ve wanted to be left alone, to be completely still and silent. don’t want anyone near me or inside me.
is this what’s real? this life? how shallow and superficial it is? how a friend can turn around and disrespect your being because they don’t understand why you are the way you are?
it’s important to me to accept people for who they are. doesn’t mean i have to be really close to them, but it’s not for me to judge, or fit them into a cage. it means a lot to me to have the same respect for my being extended.
it’s one thing if people don’t get you. it’s another thing, when they try to tear down who you are because they don’t. i’ll let it go quickly. i always do. but i will say that the experience did hurt a deep part of me, did sadden me, especially coming off such a validating experience from the previous cruise.