Echo

the sunflower

when jason and amber arrived on friday, i had decided to christen this red current candle that i had bought in venice the second weekend of july. this candle has a lot of symbolic meaning, but something about that night made me feel like it was time to share it. i lit it without mentioning it, burning it in my office, and after a while, they were all asking what that smell was. they said it smelled amazing. i showed them the candle and brian whispered that wherever i got this candle, we need to buy 20 of them. what he doesn’t understand, is what gives this candle the power. here’s the story.

one sunday morning, i got up and walked out of my room just as brian was coming home. he’d gotten up early to run errands. he was putting his things away and i saw he’d bought an arugula-scented candle. i smelled it.

this smells really good, i said.

yeah, doesn’t it? i was choosing between this one and this red current one, but i ended up going with this one, he said.

i smelled it again. i love candles but i’ve been very disciplined about not buying more before i’ve used the ones i have. but i decided, it’s been a while. i would be open to buying a candle today, too.

so i set out on my new favorite routine. sundays around noon, take a really nice shower, pick a scent for the day. casual me clothes. go to my favorite cafe and have coffee/lunch, read, write and listen to music. enjoy the vibes, enjoy the people, enjoy the freedom. then take a walk around venice, maybe walk along the beach, catch sunset at my favorite dusk location.

so today i get the coffee, have a pretty carefree inspirational day. reading adventures of sherlock holmes. really astounded by the size of this guy’s peni–i mean, ego…laugh at the random things you pick up about the inner world of authors when you read their work. i take a walk down main street, passing this store that always has candles out on display off the sidewalk. i come to this area a lot so i’m always walking past this display, and every time, i’m always aware of having the discipline not to go over and smell the candles. i don’t know why it’s been important, but i’ve suppressed the urge every time i walk past the display, and i’m in the area quite a bit.

but today, i’ve already decided it’s okay to browse candles. i pick up the first one, smell it and check the name. red current.

hmmm, i think. that’s unusual. that’s exactly the other candle brian was choosing between. considering we live together and share the air, if i buy this candle, it will be like he made himself choose only one, and by fate, i’ve brought him the one he forced himself to give up. poetic, right?

but i really don’t think about things that deeply in the moment. but i did note it was a cool coincidence.

i went into the store and it had a lot of asian-themed knick-knacks. the owner of the store was a girl about my age, and i asked her how business was doing in this economy. she talked to me about some changes she was making to the store, but business was good. but she kept mentioning that anything i wanted in the store, she’d give me a great deal, which made me feel that business was actually tough. i spent some time talking to her, but still decided to just get the candle. she tells me that the cool thing about this candle, is that it’s made out of coconut oil, so it’s a massage candle…when it melts, you can rub the hot oil on your skin like lotion and it makes your skin smell really good.

i’m sorry, what?

good god. the sheer idea of this tickled every pleasure center in my head, i think i blew a tiny fuse. now i’m really excited about this candle.

she wanted to give me a gift, so she went to the back and came back with a cute little bag.

as she’s handing me the bag, she asks, do you like sunflowers?

i don’t have any feelings about sunflowers, but i know brian likes flowers so i say that i do.

she goes to the back and brings me the biggest, freshest sunflower i have ever held in my life. i mean, holding that cool, vibrant stalk felt like I was holding a living, breathing entity in my hand. like a plant mogwai. i thanked her for it, a little stunned but appreciative.

i’m walking down the street holding this sunflower like a staff. i mean, this thing is big. i realize this was kind of the beginning of my day and i had wanted to walk around, but if i put the flower in my car it’ll die from the heat. but if i walk around with it, well…i’m holding a giant sunflower.

so i’m thinking i’m just going to suck it up and drive home, hoping brian will appreciate it, but feeling he’ll probably be indifferent. i’m crossing the street at a stoplight when i look over and it’s this sistah in a green honda civic with a couple of big dudes in the car next to her. she’s leaning her head into her hand, a little out the window, eyes faraway. maybe it’s a trick of light but i thought i saw her eyes flicker in recognition at the sunflower.

i’ve already taken two steps out of the crosswalk towards her car when i realize i’ve broken script and i’m approaching the car.

do you…want this?, i asked her, holding the flower out, as inside my head, i’m screaming, what the hell are you doing?!?

she gives me this look i can’t read and i panic…

honestly, who approaches cars in an intersection except 1. homeless people; or 2. crazy people. i just walked up to her car at an intersection with a giant flower. she probably thinks i’m batshit crazy.

but i remain calm and ask her, do you want this flower? you look like you could use a little happiness.

you want to give me this flower, she asks, incredulously.

i can’t believe how gay i am.

yes, you can have it, i smile. you could use some happiness.

she takes the flower and is kind of squealing and clapping her hands, and the guys are crowding close to her to look at it. the scene makes me really happy. more than anything, i’m relieved, that these people accepted my gift.

i’m feeling so truly happy i’m radiating, and i tell them to have a great day, continuing through the crosswalk.

from behind, i hear someone yell, hey!, and i turn to see the guy in the passenger seat rolling down his window furiously.

thank you, he says, so seriously. so sincerely.

i felt light bursting out of me.

i hope you all have a really great day, i said, meaning it with everything i’ve got.

further down the street, this tall guy catches up with me.

that was a really nice thing you did back there, he said as he walked past.

more than anything, i think this story is about timing. and good will.

perhaps that flower was always meant to belong to her.

and perhaps some day, when i have paid off all my debt to you, you will let someone be close to me, too.

my god, life really is a cycle. i just read what i streamed about this being like august 2007, and i thought, what was going on in august 2007? so i took a look and i realize now in hindsight, august 07 was pivotal. it was the true start of the rest of my life. i did exactly what i said i was going to do. i jumped into a well. that speech i gave was the first time i ever ripped off my mask in public and people saw my passion, intensity and depth. my power. i remember how carefully i’d chosen that date.

But these are my hopes, and I hope that even if I’m not physically around or if I seem to be a mess, that all those people that I’ve had deep connections with and have helped change in some way, whether friends, family or strangers, will also be there for me in spirit when I dive, and that their good will and positive energy will help me find my way home.

i’ve gone deep and i’ve gotten pretty strong. are these signs then, that it’s time for me to find my way home, or that this is the last homestand and i’m about to seriously plunge?

oh boy…i sense it’s the latter.

this guy won’t leave me alone, and the only reason i can’t even be friendly with him is because i don’t trust him to respect my boundaries. it’s like a vicious cycle. just give it up. you don’t respect me, and i don’t trust you. so back the fuck up.

i have a lead but i need $2.8 million dollars.
if the stage i’m repeating right now is anything like august 2007
then i will get the connection with baron.
i think it’s time.
if not, new plan and i’ll keep chipping away for an angle.

i worry though. the initial message i’m sending into the pipeline is “i saw him in his daisy dukes and he’s got a booty like a puerto rican.” risky, but friendly fire. but i am clearly betting everything on the assessment that our connection is most likely a kindred sibling one. but the messenger is unreliable so i’m not worried. if the door opens, i will present a bigger self.

let’s see how it unfolds.

amazing day. absolutely exquisite.

the problem in reading so much and so quickly is i can never remember where i can find things i’m looking for. i’m trying to remember a passage from Ovid that feels important right now, but i can’t remember where it is. so until it surfaces when it feels like surfacing, here are two other quotes from Ovid in the meantime:

At times it is folly to hasten at other times, to delay. The wise do everything in its proper time.

and

Enhance and intensify one’s vision of that synthesis of truth and beauty which is the highest and deepest reality.

if your dreams don’t fit in this world, then change your world.

i’m on it.

today is a 29 day! look out for sign-posts and clues. evidence of magic. discoveries. 29 days are magnetic. plant the seeds for your hopes and dreams.

Fasten on my mask
I’m bending to the task
I know this work is never finished
But if I close my eyes
I can still see you dancing
Laughing loud and undiminished

-David Gray, Freedom

my friend, jason and are going to be co-writing a blog about the phoenix suns. we’re meeting in a few hours and i was supposed to come up with some name possibilities but i haven’t. brian, mr. advertising, was too indifferent to help last night. bastard. on my way to the gym now in hopes that getting my heart rate up will get some names to surface.

i hate naming things. i hate labeling things. like morcheeba says, once a label is on something, it becomes an It. like it’s no longer alive. it’s like a loss of vision, or some dark impression, or a black spot on your eye.

i promise jason i will write my heart out on it, but i hope he can come up with the name, because i really lack motivation and desire.

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

You may feel alone when you’re falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

-death cab for cutie, someday you will be loved

(great writing)