Echo

of course.

arrival

09/09/09

saturday night – the other room

spent the earlier part of the evening hanging out with missed connections guy, and a couple of girls he introduced as his “friends,” though he’s clearly sleeping with one of them. i know this because her energy spiked when i showed up, she made a big show of touching his leg whenever she laughed, she kept lighting matches to get attention, and she bumped me as she walked past me. and he seemed a little bit whipped in her presence. she reminded me of this girl . i disarmed the situation in a similar way. just refused to acknowledge any tension, and was very careful about sending any energy towards the guy that would be construed as intent. she left for the night to try to get her roommate to come out, and things were more relaxed after that. i gave him and his friend one of my specialty brownies to split. i’m like the robin hood of brownies. i usually give them to people with spiritual questions–i’ll tell them to find a 5 hour window in a comfortable place, eat the brownie, listen to music they like, and think about questions they have. write stuff down.

or if possible, i like to spend that time with them, talk to them. a couple of hours with me is sometimes better than years of therapy. it’s tough when you look for all the things that are wrong with you and your life. let’s talk about where you’re going and what you want, then figure out what it is you’re holding on to that’s preventing that.

so an hour later, they’re both very happy. missed connections guy (aka beau) had been having trouble looking me in the eye (but he would watch me when i’m not looking, so to make him more comfortable, i would talk more to the other girl). but now he was more comfortable and i was able to talk to him.

his friend told me what she was experiencing was incredible. she felt very happy and positive. peaceful. she said i’m very talented.

i thank her with my entire heart. it means a lot to me when i can give people this kind of experience. to tell me that what i gave them made them feel happy and gave them positive eyes to see and feel the world…that is the highest compliment.

it renewed my desire to become a shaman. the laws would have to change, but regardless, i’m telling you i could help a lot of people. that’s really what i want to do most. give people positive experiences, so no matter where their life goes, they’ve had it. they know it. they’ve felt it. so they’ll be able to recognize or create these experiences or feelings in the future, or in other areas of their lives. once you’ve experienced peace, then you’ll know where to aim.

they were happy as they were leaving, great hugs all around. his friend leaned over and whispered that she was there the night he and i met and talked. she told me beau had been really happy about meeting me.

that was nice to hear. some kind of consolation.

i guess his function had been to help commit an important night to memory, lead me somewhere else. now having spent more time getting to know him, while he’s very funny and very pleasant to look at, his glow feels artificial. fluorescent. lacking heat.

i was happy. the music was good, and i met some brazilian girls and helped them take a picture. they hung out with me for the rest of the night. i started texting rie. ever since she had seigo, she doesn’t really go out anymore, but i sometimes like to text her when i’m out and about people watching, because it makes me feel like she’s there in spirit. and for her to feel a part of the scene.

rie:
we may be moving early as nov.

me:
holy shit! to where?

rie:
berkeley or albany. he’ll probaby get offers in concord, san pablo, vallejo & walnet creek

me:
oh sweet. i so welcome you closer to the bay area where you can be creative. i’m making my way there. just have to accomplish some things first

[years ago when she was living in new york and i was in los angeles, i realized that in my lifetime, i might only see her 5-6 more times. that made me so incredibly sad. i dreamed of a world where she lived in california. i could see her being really happy in the bay area.]

rie:
who would have thought we’d both end up in northern california?

me:
i did! i willed you there!

rie:
it worked!

me:
i know! i just couldn’t imagine growing old without you.

*****
so i’m texting with rie, and i’m laughing and smiling at my phone because i’m so happy. i love this girl. she’s the sister i never had.

this guy who’d been standing by me in a blazer and a shoulder-length triangle of hair (it looked like he’d had it permed), asks me why i’m in a bar, texting.

i tell him that i’m texting my best friend who can’t come out because she has a baby.

“you’re a really nice friend,” he said.

“she’s like a sister,” i said.

i go back to looking at my phone and he taps me on the shoulder.

“so tell me what you think of this,” he said. “i just tried to talk to this girl, and she told me she was married. basically, i saw this girl and it’s like…have you ever met someone and you just knew…something about them, you just had to talk to them?”

“uh…yes. i believe i’m familiar with that kind of experience.”

“well, i go up to her, like…my god, she blew my mind. and i’m trying to talk to her, but she tells me she’s married.”

“hmmm…,” i said. “maybe it just means you’re looking for a girl like her, but she just wasn’t the one.”

“but she wasn’t married! she lied just because she was blowing me off.”

“well, fuck her, then. she’s dishonest. why are you still talking about her? go find someone better.”

“what?”

“why are you still wasting time and your thoughts talking about her when there are lots of other available women in this room you could be talking to?”

“what?”

“find someone who is available instead of dwelling on someone who’s not.”

“my point is, why can’t i talk to you without you being like her?”

“what? how am i like her? i’m giving you good advice here.”

“i know a lot about psychology.”

“i know psychology.”

“do you have a doctorate in it?”

“undergrad work but i know psychology.”

“well i have a doctorate.”

“big fucking deal.”

[he either didn’t hear that or chose to ignore it]

“i have a doctorate in psychology, so i know people, and i’m saying women don’t make any sense. like right now. i’m trying to have a civil conversation, but one of us is being shitty.”

[what??]

“are you saying i’m being shitty? i’m sitting here, taking the time to give you good advice, with more honesty than you’ll get from anyone else in this fucking room, and you can’t even value it. fuck off,” i say, casually dismissive.

i turn around and go back to my conversation with rie. he taps me on my shoulder trying to get my attention, but i ignore it.

he leans almost over me.

“okay, i’m sorry. we’re both just here to have a good time, and i don’t want to be remembered as part of a bad experience.”

“it’s fine,” i say, indifferent and distracted, because rie is telling me about the gumbo she’s making.

“no really, i don’t want you to be mad at me.”

[good god, ignorant men can be such babies. what makes him think i care enough to put energy into being mad?]

i turn around and grab his hand and give him that black guy shake + one-arm hug.

“i’m a nice person and don’t hold grudges,” i say. “so we’re cool. but i don’t have time for bullshit.”

go back to msging rie and ignoring him.

less than a mi
nute later, he and his friend move to the other side of the room.

got a free beer from the bartender.

much love.

so you’re leaving just to come home, he said.

something like that, i said.

every beginning is born of an ending. every homecoming requires departure.

find what was lost, even if you don’t understand what it is yet.

you have no idea the depth of this thing.

you don’t either, julia.