Echo

spilling the cup

i had actually written a post this week about something I had written a while back, but had saved it as a draft. but i got an email today that reminded me to post it again.

so last year was a pivotal year for me because i got out of the longest and most successful job i’d ever held. it was probably the most rewarding job in terms of giving me confidence and showing me that i can be successful in a business world, make a lot of money and be financially independent, but it was also like being in a bad marriage with a husband who lies all the time, takes you for granted and never respects you. the universe made it very hard for me, because suddenly, i was being offered more money than i ever thought i would make in my life, yet to take it, would tell my boss and the world that i can be compromised. that with enough money, i will sell my self-respect. so i walked away and never looked back.

it was probably the hardest, scariest decision i’ve had to make as an adult, but in the end, it was the most important decision. i showed myself i was willing to protect myself, stand up for myself and ultimately, trust myself as i walked into the unknown.

a few days ago, i was thinking about this whole journey of personal freedom that started last year, right around when i quit my job, and started rereading what i was writing at the time. i found this post, which i had written and liked so much, that i put it up on the wall next to me at work.

when i quit, i took everything down from the walls of my office, leaving only this, the final echo of an amazing being that they never knew, and would never get to know. here it is:

when in the present, withhold talking and perceive emotionally.

let the emotions experience life without the demands, critiques and dominance of the mind.

let the heart unfold the truth of every moment and interaction.

and if the truth is painful, take that energy back to your cave and turn it into poetry.

and if the truth is beautiful, take that fear back to your cave and turn it into poetry.

and one day when you are loaded to the brim with poetry, tense with trying to hold every drop without spilling over, let yourself topple the cup and empty yourself of everything.

and perhaps, with the mastery of this task, you will set yourself free.

*********************************

i am proud to look back and say, i faithfully followed my own advice.

got the news today…candice is pregnant! due jan. 20th. very exciting. am going to try to head back up to san francisco next month to see them. would like to make a stop in seattle as well if i’m going to be traveling.

the salmon i caught in alaska arrived today. damn, that’s a lot of salmon.

had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the beach with b, jason and amber, then took a walk on the sand. the weather today is incredible, the entire world feels bigger. saw a little boy with no pants on playing in the sand. how did he lose his pants? his parents are bad supervisors.

b, jason and amber are heading to the lyle lovett concert tonight. i was thinking about going down to venice for first friday (the first friday of every month, the art galleries on abbott kinney, this really cool street off of venice beach, opens their doors late night and it’s like this giant street party). this would be almost the one month anniversary of that crazy night with the hipster and the missed connections guy, that unusual week that happened during the last full moon. i almost feel like everything that happened on the cruise was the culmination of what that week had been pointing me towards, giving me clues so i would recognize what i needed to recognize when i found it. so in a way, it doesn’t surprise me that i see such a correlation between last month’s full moon events and inspiration, and this month’s floodgates opening.

when i reread what i was writing over that period of time, i feel like a deep, psychic part of me knew what was coming up, but needed to prepare my mind, psyche, spirit for it. maybe put myself in the right philosophical mindset, because all these ideas and convictions i was expounding about then, i’m being forced to stand by, and if i hadn’t written them down with such conviction, this week’s test would not have been so difficult yet so important. i needed to prove that my integrity and honor are not easy words, but true core facets of who i am.

b has bought push-up handles and had been texting about a push-up contest while i was away. he just made me do push-ups. so folks, if you want to join the contest, i’ve set the bar. the number to beat is:

2

:D

spirits are high. heart is mending. trying to stay focused on just getting where i’m going, and setting the right direction to put future julia in the best position possible for happiness.

i disown what i said about how i think i will never be happy. i think i just never believed i can have both inspiration and happiness in my life, that i would have to choose. fuck compromising. a person should only compromise when they’re faced with a situation requiring compromise. but to set out on a journey with a compromised goal is unforgivable. i’m going to go for the gold. ultimate fulfillment. and if i fall short, that’s okay, i’ll always know i tried and didn’t sell myself short. but if i don’t fall short, then you know what, i got exactly what it was i hoped for and deserved.

if i want to be with someone who can be happy being with me because he’s confident enough in accepting me as his first choice, then i have to be the same kind of person who feels i deserve my first choice as well. i can not settle for second choices, while expecting others to see me as a first. i need to be okay with feeling i deserve exactly what i want most, because i am the only one who tells the world what it is i deserve.

contradictions…give me everything i want…

-phoenix, run run run

amber and jason arrived tonight from portland. i haven’t seen amber in years. my favorite memory with her is the time she and terri came for halloween, and they built an obstacle course in our hallway and were sliding through them with helmets on. that, and watching drag queens (including one dressed like cruella deville from 101 dalmations) race down the street in high heels in a west hollywood tradition.

we talked about our friend who was the greatest free spirit i’d ever met, who suddenly turned around, got married to his ex-girlfriend he had just months before called a “cunt face,” joined the marines and went off to war. sometimes i wonder if he basically committed suicide of the spirit.

some say the soul departs long before the body hits the ground.

i believe it.

i told them i’d been on a writing spree.
told them about the 6 lbs. that came mysteriously and disappeared
asked them how much newborn babies weigh
asked them if they thought i’d had a baby but just didn’t realize it.

we drank scotch. so we could feel like men.

then we got in our pajamas and went to bed.

god, the moon is beautiful tonight.