Echo

i’ve been pondering the question of…

1. when you find the right person, you’ll find the place where you belong.

or,

2. when you find the right place, you’ll find the person with whom you belong.

i think it depends on the person. for me personally, i see the entire world as my canvas, and while i need a home base, i hope someday to have homes in various parts of the world. but people…if i don’t have people whom i feel safe with, i feel adrift. so ultimately, while i’ve spent the last few years running around traveling, thinking how la’s not the place for me, i think it’s because i’ve felt lonely and am looking for a person. probably when i find my person, i will be happy in almost any place.

but people who are more terrestrial, who derive more of their emotional security and satisfaction from locations, will probably want to find the right location, and are more adaptable when it comes to the people. they are able to feel safe as long as they are in a place that feels comfortable, and will try to make it work with someone who adds to their environment and security. so these people, will probably be more intent on finding a place they can call home, and the person will be a person that complements this place.

had basketball training today. put a basketball in my hand and i am poetry in motion.

i wish i played like this when i was 21. i would have been a college athlete and maybe gone professional by now. my knees…how they failed me. perhaps that was the universe’s way of telling me athletics weren’t my path. but whenever i’m playing and people comment about how hard i work, how good i am, how they can’t believe i’m in my 30’s, i always laugh inside at anyone who truly believes i have no discipline. i tend to joke and defer attention away from how serious and intense i am, making self-deprecating comments about how i have no discipline or self-control, but seriously, look at my life. look at my body, my mind, my outlook. how much discipline it has taken to be who i am today, where i am today. it makes me feel really good when people recognize and respect that.

and patience. when it comes to waiting for the right moment, the amount of patience i can dedicate to infatuation or goals is astounding. for 2 years, i’ve been busting my ass to cross paths with baron davis, for reasons i don’t know myself, but i’ve never forced it. i know it will happen when i’m in the right position. for 3 years of college (my entire college career), i didn’t date anyone because i was in love with a boy whom i could never express myself to. i have that discipline. and i have that patience when it comes to things i believe in, waiting for the right moment to grasp, even if that moment extends through my lifetime and never comes. but i can have that patience for the right moment.

i can get in quick, or i have the patience for a slow seduction…

i think seduction is about opening doors. making a connection. getting someone to put their trust in you, let you in. sometimes it’s mutual. those are the best seductions. but it’s got a stigma because people often use powers of seduction to win someone over, get something from someone else, whether or not their intentions are good or self-motivated. people don’t like to feel that someone has power over them. i’m quite adept at seduction…because my inner truth and capacity for faith is seductive. but i’m careful about not wanting people to feel i have ulterior motives, or power over them. this is why i have no second step. be it timidity, or an ethical constraint where i refuse in any way to have my presence construed as self-motivated or manipulative, i don’t do anything or take anything without someone consciously and clearly offering it to me. i don’t want anything from anyone unless they are sure they want to give it. i refuse to be an instrument of their own remorse or masochistic cycles (you’ll meet some people in life who have a bad habit of giving away things, and then feeling resentful like victims. don’t let them use you to complete this negative cycle). i just like to get in, understand people, help if i can, take only what people truly want to exchange. but usually, i leave everything the way i find it. it’s like the vampire code. i only go where i’m invited. people have to want me, for me to want anything from them. otherwise, i’m pretty self-contained trying to make the connections that get me where i’m going, looking for the people who i feel at home with and who call me home, and just feeling happy being helpful where i can be.

my coach today was at it again. i’m shooting free throws and he says, tell me, ms. confidence, i wanna ask you a question.

sure, i say.

why do you think you can have me? why do you have so much confidence that you can get into my head?

i laugh. i was expecting something along these lines, but not this angle specifically.

i don’t think i can have you, i said. but i know that guys tend to be fixated on me, and whether or not they understand why, i suspect it’s because they can’t understand why a girl would have what i have, and yet, not give it up. why i would willingly not want to sleep with anyone, even though there’s no reason for me not to. so guys are always poking at me, trying to find out why i don’t want them, why i’m not turned on by them, why i don’t let them in. but that’s not the issue. the thing is, i only want what’s mine–no more, no less. i can walk into this gym, see a bunch of fine brothers with their shirts off and think, wow…that’s nice. but that’s as far as it goes. i don’t want to touch. i don’t want to get involved. i want to focus on what i’m doing to improve myself, and work on my life, so that i can put myself in the best position to have what i want, and the person i want to share it with. so no, i don’t think i can have you, but i think you’ve projected that as what i’m up to because you’re the one who can’t get your mind off of it. You’re basically creating my power over you in your own head.

i don’t think about it at all, he says, defensively.

really, i say. then why do you bring up the same conversation every session?

no i don’t, he says.

it’s okay, i say. i am the complete package. i’m someone who’s smart, dynamic, funny, caring, capable and decent looking, but on top of that, i’m a really nice and genuine person. so i’m accessible, i’m attainable. the problem is, i only want one guy, but i don’t know who he is yet, so that’s why people are always poking at me. they don’t understand what i’m waiting for, when i do. i know he’s out there, i just don’t have the specifics yet.

you’re a trip, he said. you are definitely very, very interesting. i have a feeling we’re going to go beyond our professional relationship, because i’m gonna have to be pals with you.

i only have one thing to say about that, i say. don’t. fall in love.

i ain’t gonna fall in love, he says, laughing but almost offended.

but i’m not saying this to be an asshole or out of arrogance. the dude is fixated. he’s turning this into a personal quest, but the problem is, he’s not my dude.

i do love our sessions though. today he would tell me how many shots i had to hit to complete a drill or redo the whole drill, and i was feeling playful so i kept telling him i would give him exactly what he wanted, so i would always make exactly however many shots he said i needed to make. then i asked him if he could let me do a long-range 3-point drill, just give me 5 shots at 5 positions outside the arc, and if i hit 12, i would give him a high five.

a high five, he asked. that’s all i get?

i’m doing all the work, i said. yet i’m willing to split the reward 50/50 with you. so you should be happy with that.

i ended up hitting 14 of 25. it was kind of crap because i can hit 21 of 25 on a good day. he was impressed. some pros can’t even do that, he said.

i’m fairly focused today, i said.

saw the trainer who wants to train me. (happened to run into eytan as well. he and i are always randomly crossing paths). she said to me, i would love to kick your ass!

i started laughing so hard. told her i haven’t had anyone say that to me since the 4th grade.

she said that it’s because i’m in such good shape, it would be interesting to her to challenge me.

i don’t know. i tend to put myself through so much self-discipline. i’m not as motivated when someone else gives me directives. i always follow directions and do what is asked, but i tend to feel i’m doing it out of obligation, and it doesn’t keep me focused for very long. still, it’s funny to hear someone say that they want to kick your ass.

i talked with a woman who is always good at guiding me and keeping me focused. a few things she said that i want to write down so i don’t forget:

1. Do not go where you’ve gone before. Do not get held by illusions. So many people get chained to life and things that they’re settling for because they get chained to illusions or fear. You have broken free. Don’t willingly chain yourself again.

2. She compared me to a Lamborghini. Said I’ve amassed the speed, the power, the looks. Now the world is asking, what am I going to do with it. My next move will be very important. Focus on my expression. I’ve collected enough stuff to start showing the world what I’ve been working on. It’s time to prepare for that and not get distracted. She told me in particular to not let my emotions drag me away from this moment. My emotions have helped me collect my material and inspiration. Now is the time for the mind to take over and structure launch. Also, do not let others drag me away from what I’m working on. Right now is a time when people start challenging me and my focus, because it’s the most important time to test my commitment to myself. I have to stay very focused. I know that I’ve been really clear about telling myself that what is lost was once found and what is found was once lost, so nothing of value is ever lost forever.

Last month, I wrote to my friend, Nick:

Maybe to gain more of what you want in life, you have to be willing to give up more. But maybe if you take that leap of faith and trust that whatever you get back will make up for what you gave up, what happens is you get back the very thing you gave up. That’s kind of my secret theory.

It’s kind of like how Brian, notorious for his lack of purchasing restraint, made himself choose only one candle out of two. But he ended up with both. Now is the time for me to trust my theory, and let go of anything that will prevent me from moving forward. If anything I let go of is valuable, it will still be there, or be in an even better position, on the other side.

3. She told me to be careful that I don’t play for something someone doesn’t have, so I end up losing. This reminded me of how I wrote a couple of days ago that to start off with a compromised goal is unforgivable. I would never play in a game if I was told that for whatever reason, I would not be eligible for the top prize. Because then what’s the point of playing? Do I not deserve a chance at the top prize? Her telling me this reminded me that I want a fair playing field with fair goals, that if I work really hard, there’s no outside force that will unfairly tell me that I can’t have what I deserve. So if a game is set up to not be satisfactory, then I am free to choose a new game. And I only want one that challenges me to reach for the top.

4. She made a funny comment about my sexual magnetism right now. About how much power I’ve stored up, I’m like both the light and the dark side of the moon simultaneously and it must be making men go haywire. I laughed. No comment.

a lot of people say i live an interesting life, or that i seem to be really “lucky.”

if they really got to know me and thought about it, they would see how i’m not lucky, as much as i’ve earned everything that i have and that has come into my life, because i’ve faced life lessons, taken risks, built myself and my abilities, and i’ve learned what it means to intuitively have good timing. when to accept and when to yield to the will of the universe or others. how to communicate with it. recognize open doors. recognize my soulmates.

most importantly, how to ask for what i want, by focusing on what i really want, and being careful of the words and images i put out there.

the universe is usually happy to give you anything, as long as it gets you where you’re supposed to be going and you’re learning what you need to learn. beware, it has a wicked sense of irony and is not above teaching you a necessary lesson. but the most important rule to think about is,

“will i want what i get, when i get what i want?”

that really helps Future You not be resentful of Past You, and not hold grudges.

most of the random, lucky things that happen, if you look back, you’ll see that i was reaching for them in the past, that i was working hard building my understanding of what i want, then looking for it, chipping away at it, like a sculptor in search of the angel within the stone, not realizing the angel is derived from something deep within him.

runners focus a certain number of feet ahead of them. if you look at the edge of your periphery in your mind, the farthest point illuminated when you think of your path, you should be able to see things. maybe they’re murky shapes. maybe they’re a mix of the concrete and the abstract. maybe you have trouble distinguishing what’s real from what’s imagination, what is hope, dream, wish, fear. regardless, take the time to focus on this spot. work to get to a place where you can distinguish real shapes that you believe to be true, even if you’re not sure what they are. learn to read shapes and signs. and carve at it until the closer you get, the more clear and solid they become. beware of injecting your fears. these project into the future. beware of allowing your humility to compromise all that could be waiting for you. the problem is often not that people ask for too much, but that they don’t ask for what is fully possible to them. they sell themselves short. be honest about who you are and what you want in your life to be happy. then ask for the most possible within that truthful framework.

i remember last year, i called rie from amsterdam and told her my boyfriend had proposed to me. i was a little apprehensive because he did this after an argument, and my gut feeling was that there was something very wrong with this…that this occurrence signaled something deeper and more problematic than i had the perspective to understand at the time, so i wanted to know her perspective.

she told me, marriage is not something that just happens. it’s not a proposition that just sneaks up on you, and then you have this tiny window to say yes, or no, and suddenly, your entire life swings by this moment’s decision, leaving you at life’s whim. she said it’s something that two people unfold, a decision, a belief, that this is the next stage in the path, that through consideration and understanding of themselves and their hopes and dreams, the idea to get married itself is not a random act of chance, but a solid, adult and collaborative decision in the face of life’s randomness and chance.

in a way, i think life in general is like that. so many people perceive it as so big, so random, so in control, that they believe the only power they have are the decisions they make in the moment when they’re suddenly faced with a decision. but the truth is, most of the time, you build your future.

i always wonder, when i see things in the future that later on end up happening, if i saw it because it was there, sitting in the future, or was it because I saw it, it became the future. am i an observer, or am i a reality projector?

to be honest, we are both. there are things we can not change because of the way we’ve built up our lives, like the waves of the ocean hitting the beach that are coming because of all that has already been put into motion. but unless you’ve completely walked your life into a corner, there’s so much room for creation. so much room to decide who you want to be, and what you want in your life, so that you can set yourself a direction and put yourself in the best position to get there.

people with good timing are not psychic. or magicians. nor are they purely lucky. they are people who, within some place inside themselves, understand that there is a balanced relationship between their personal universe inside them and the workings of the world outside. they understand that by always understanding where they are now, and being able to look at the farthest point of their forward periphery, they can find and project what is there, because these are things that they had previously believed and asked for.

i knew in march that i was aiming for august, that i will meet someone very extraordinary. i have put myself in the exact position to do that, and met an extraordinary person. through this experience, i now know what i’m looking for within someone’s eyes, within someone’s mind, heart and soul. i’ve been refocused.

now, when i look forward in my periphery, i see hard work and words. lots and lots of words. i see collaboration, i see a need to focus with september through october being dedicated to laying down roots, settling down and making money, building my reputation, finally showing people what i’ve been working on. i see beneficial collaboration with exciting, talented people. and i see a very interesting man with bright eyes who will understand me.

if i should get there, it will be exactly where i was meant to be. and when i achieve what i saw and happiness radiates out of me, people will again say, what a magical life you live. how lucky you are.

but i’ll remember, that i built it. i saw it, i felt it was best for me so i believed in it, walking towards it through the tunnel of time, taking what i needed and building my life, myself, my connections and my experiences in necessary ways to get to that place.

i believe this is the strongest way to live. if you ever ask me what is the secret to a magical life, it is this. know what you want. look into your future, see it there, believe in it, then bust your ass to put yourself in the best position to be in that time and place.

the wife has laid down an ultimatum.

get back from the cruise, get a job.

i am open to getting a job and meeting new people, having new experiences, but i don’t want a job that i get tempted to commit my passions to. the job can’t drain me. my spirit, mind and heart are on a journey elsewhere right now. eventually, i want to work for myself or with a partner i trust.

on the flipside, if i find a position that brings me creative fulfillment and a sense of pushing me towards my highest potential and a sense of achievement, then i won’t think of it as a job. that would probably be the situation i welcome most.

and enlarging my social circle, to meet more interesting, nice, (cute!) people.

i want to be a modern day shaman. or whatever niche currently doesn’t exist but is between a life coach, spiritual counselor and therapist. that place is where my skills lay. i don’t need rituals. it’s not voodoo or magic in the mainstream sense of the word. i can usually talk to someone and get out of them what they need. most people already have the answers, they just need a mirror. they need a way to trust those answers are true to them. i’m good at reflecting the things that come from the spaces in between, finding truth and beauty, pulling these things out like iron with a magnet. it is my life’s passion and purpose to help people and reflect. but the thing is, how to legitimize this ability in a world based on material currency, and more importantly, how to establish boundaries to protect myself, and protect the integrity and natural flow of the process. more on this later when i write about my explorations yesterday.

jason told me today that he would love to trade lives with me, even if just for 15 minutes.

a lot can happen in my life in 15 minutes…could he handle it?

pure joy

this was my favorite picture off my camera.

this, of course, was brian’s:

i quite appreciated the moon at sunset:

last thursday, my coach told me i had to retire my basketball because it had a tumor. i told him i knew but it was still a small tumor…we still had some time left together. he said i had to get a new ball, and i told him i would do no such thing; i’d charged the ball’s symbol with so much energy that i play ridiculously with it (there’s a chinese symbol i drew on that i always say means “dragon” to anyone who asks, but it is actually my family name). he said i had to get over it. that my ball was no good anymore.

i asked him, if you saw a kid in a wheelchair, would you tell the mom her kid’s no good anymore and she should get a new one?

oh shit!, he said, with a surprised laugh. i can’t believe you went there.

i took my ball back from him, turned it until i found the symbol and rubbed it, as is my habit. he didn’t mention it again after that.