Echo

calm before the storm

tomorrow morning, i fly into miami to begin BOOZE CROOZE…a cruise trip to the bahamas that my college friends have been planning for a year. it will be interesting…we always have a good time but sometimes the group dynamic gets a little shallow for me, so i end up feeling like i’m 37% present at any given time. unless something funny happens. but sarita always says i’m the best person to go to vegas with, because really unique and memorable things tend to occur. and i’ve learned last week how much energy i can pull on a cruise ship to make things out of the ordinary happen. i’m really hoping for a very interesting trip. at least one that will be a great story.

i can’t promise salt shakers moving across the table by themselves, but i would be game for a little positive weaving.

my life, is like having the ability to get to know each individual drop of the ocean, while simultaneously being able to understand its grand meaning.

sometimes, when i touch someone’s skin, i can feel if they have been sad for a while.

nice note from colin:

Thank you for such a wonderful evening! Even the floor was comfortable!! You are such an amazing person and I’m glad we got to reconnect…you’ve done some amazing work since we last connected.

i’m always so appreciative of kind words.

so i haven’t given out brian’s assessment of my cruise trip. this monologue happened my first night back in la. if you should feel at all offended in anyway, please remember that: 1. it’s brian; 2. so you know he was probably drunk; 3. he’s from texas. he can’t help himself.

[brian, glass of white wine in hand, after hearing a short synopsis of the story]:

the first thing i want to say is that you and “crazy shit” need to be on a break, like ross & rachel style. you’re ross and “crazy shit” is rachel, and you guys are on a break.

what the hell are you doing meeting people on a cruise? of course you guys connected. that’s all they do. guys who work on cruises only have to pay attention to one bitch for a week at a time. how convenient is that? so any dude who works on a cruise is basically like, i’m gonna work the high-seas pussy [he circles his hand like he’s buffing a car]…while i’m killin’ the land-based pussy[lifts a shotgun and fires]… i’m watching the real world right now, and those kids are working at a resort in cancun. you get a bunch of young, hot dudes working at a resort…they’re basically mailing that pussy in for them to hit. you know what those guys are? they’re swimming in pussy. up to their fucking ears in pussy. they’re getting it mailed in, and they fuck it and return to sender.

and this is the last thing i’m gonna say before i pass the fuck out.

1. italian. really? they’re womanizers. it’s like in their blood.
2. cruise dude. you met on a cruise. that is not okay.
3. he works on the cruise. you know how i feel about dating the help. i will make a rare exception for an exceptionally hot bartender, but julia…no.

[he points a finger and wags it at me, then staggers away]

*this performance brought to you by the state of texas.

today my coach gave me a drill–running straight towards the basket, catch and bank. it’s about angles, and delicacy. he said this was the hardest drill, and he guaranteed me that i would miss more than i make.

so of course, i make the first three, lose a little focus because i’m feeling the urge to gloat, and ended up 5-8. hardest drill, huh…is all i say.

well, it’s hard for me, he mumbles.

he spent about half an hour sitting on a bench with me after the session, telling me theoretically, how he would treat me if we were dating. to be honest, at least he’s a sweet guy. still not my dude, but he’s trying to meet me on my level, and i can appreciate that.

does that old guy still bother you?, he asked.

i took out my phone and looked. i don’t know, it was just a feeling. to my surprise/non-surprise (they were both intense feelings), there’s an email from him. yes, i said. i’ve only met him twice, and have been ignoring him for a month, and he’s writing to tell me i’m the only woman for him and i’ll never meet anyone better than him. in fact, i get something from him every day. do i need to explain further why this guy being on my radar is worrying me? the devil often plays a desperate man. i had a sudden wish that my coach could be my big brother. it’s times like these i need a big brother.

(*epiphany. i know it’s childish, but this stalker is a fucking child. if the harassment persists, i bet my coach would be willing to call the guy and tell him to stay away from me. in america, where often, karma is a bitch, big black guys always trump little white guys. and i need this little white guy to stop even thinking in my direction)

jason met up and brought some friends. we haven’t played in 2 years, and only once. we played 4-on-4 half court which is probably my worst game. my best is 3-on-3. i really sucked the first play, and i wanted to blame it on being tired (i’ve already been running hard drills for an hour and a half), but that’s a crappy excuse so i sucked it up and kept going. took me a while to get into a rhythm and the guy i was guarding was fast and strong. the guy was built like a 5’6 tank with quick reflexes and great body control. but i stuck with him, even though he did score a lot on me off screens. i hit most of my mid-range shots, and we won the first game. lost the second. played a tie-breaker and jason twisted his ankle on a drive to the basket.

boy, i’ll tell you something about jason. the guy graduated from ucla, is smart as hell, but he’s like a rabbit who won’t get out of his cage. and he’s in his late 20’s. but you watch this guy attack the basket, and he’s like a one-man fighter-jet brigade. it’s like watching a robot against humans. strong, precise, flawless. i couldn’t believe this guy. i told him afterwards, how we once discussed a common perspective regarding how people play basketball says a lot about them as a person. i told him how he attacks the basket, he needs to go at life in the same way. he hasn’t even started his journey yet! i’m halfway through and he hasn’t even left the starting gate. so i told him he has to harness that power and do what he does on the court, the way he charges in, trusting himself that he’ll know what to do when he gets there. and he usually makes the right decisions. he agreed he needed to do that.

so anyway, tiebreaker game, jason twists his ankle but keeps playing. i tell him that he needs to carry us, and he stays in it, playing his heart out. but then i’m asking for the ball when it feels like the momentum is in favor of the other team, and i ended up scoring 8 out of our 15 points, putting us well ahead. i hit some long range shots, but to be honest, they were all really hard shots. i had this guy who was like a ninja tank going after every shot, and i had to do a lot of crossovers to create any kind of space. but i started posting up on him a couple of times under the basket, and got some turnarounds in. one drive into traffic with shot blockers jumping around me. i’m going to say that was the most ridiculous one.we ended up winning. thanks for carrying the team, jason said when we shook hands.

afterwards, jason sat down next to me on the bench as i was packing up my stuff.

i can’t believe what you did over there, he said.

what do you mean, i asked.

i didn’t know you could play like that. i had no idea you could do that.

i laugh, and make a self-deprecating comment.

i’m just not used to seeing girls play like that. you don’t play like a girl. you play like a really good basketball player.

i’m amazed. what a nice comment. right up there with that night we watched the dawn break and he called me a child of atlantis. i really am playing out of my mind, and it does surprise me. i mean, i hit 44 out of 47 free throws today in a drill.

this level of mental focus is absolutely unprecedented. and the amazing thing is, it’s coming so naturally. it’s just a matter of paying attention. maybe that’s all it is, being really conscious by focusing your entire self into a moment. when i look into people’s eyes, i’m completely focused on them, opening my inner door so i can take in as much of everything about them as i can. last month, an argentinian playboy told me i had dangerous eyes.

perhaps it’s whatever you want to make it. or perhaps, it’s not my eyes people find dangerous, but what they’re afraid i might see.

Places I’ve never been that I want to visit when the time is right:

1. Greece
2. Croatia
3. Cinque Terre
4. Portland, OR
5. Cambodia/Vietnam
6. Egypt
7. Australia/New Zealand
8. Fiji
9. Maldives
10. Buenos Aires
11. Montreal

22 Day Wishlist

I’m taking advantage of this 22 day to make a of list of goals.

1. Income. Lots of it. So I can buy more homes, increase personal freedom.

2. New career challenges and achievements. To land in a work community where I meet new people, have new challenges and can discover new facets of my abilities. A new runway for achievement. Give me the right goals and situation, then tie your company’s success to my own, and I will get us there. Just put me in the best situation to succeed, then trust me…I’ll do the rest.

3. 1311 Abbott Kinney. I want it. Someday, it will be mine.

4. For this stalker to leave me alone. He is performing the most egregious disregard of my boundaries and personal wishes in recent history. I am trying to not give it any attention, but this guy is definitely a soulsucker, an annoying distraction, and it’s getting harder and harder to not want to go kick his ass. But the right thing to do is to continue ignoring. I wish for the universe to send him something else shiny to chase, so that he will forget me.

5. Words. Please give me the organization and concentration to turn my words into something that can be unified and published.

6. Book tour. I want to go on a book tour in the next 2 years so I have a reason to travel the world and connect to a broader base of strangers who are open to connecting. And find my dude. I’ve always known the book comes before the dude. Or the book leads me to the dude.

7. Teach. I want to teach. I don’t care if it’s a Learning Annex seminar on self-empowerment, or a writing class, I would like to teach. Or give motivational speeches. They’re kind of similar outputs in my mind.

8. Collaboration — I want to find a business partner whose strengths complement my strengths, and our respective weaknesses are compensated by the other’s strengths. I want to find someone I can really work with, start building tangible things.

9. Roots. Once creative flow is established and income lines opened, I want to stabilize, focus on security and find someone to share my life with.

To Do Today:

1. Write my bio for basketball blog.
2. Put up my resume online
3. Watch the sunset and write
4. Pack

had an intimate night with colin. he brought wine and i cooked. he wanted to try the salmon i caught, so i made a salmon dip with flaxseed water crackers, broiled salmon rubbed with garlic and olive oil, a seared asparagus salad with goddess dressing. a simple meal. colin thanked the fish for nourishing us. we spent time on the balcony and he commented how this was the best place on earth. we haven’t sat alone on this balcony since before i jumped into the well and took off for europe. it was a beautiful night. we shared many beautiful insights.

one thing i wanted to remember. i asked him what i was like before i changed. he said i was very fragmented, like it was frustrating because you would get glimpses of someone really cool, but it was hard to get close to me. he said it was easy for me to live that way because it was safe, but now, it’s completely different. just my eyes, the way i look at people, i’m completely connected. it feels like i’m building a safe area for people to be comfortable, instead of people having to build a safe area for me. he says i’ve come a long way.

i believe the same for him. that we have both kept our eyes focused on something in the distance which we’ve put our faith in, and through that trust, we’ve managed to navigate life and reach new levels of awareness. we talked about how we work for the light, and while light will never defeat darkness, what is most important is that we balance it. about how, with so much insight and power, it is so easy to take over someone else, will them to give you what you want, but it takes so much restraint and honor to stay on your side, and not exert your will. we talked about sex (he’s one of the few people i talk honestly with about this topic). i asked him if he thought celibacy gives you power and he said, absolutely. i told him i was concerned how i was going to come down off this platform…that because sex is such a great force on me that it completely pulls my focus, i can’t do anything if the availability of sex is there. colin says he understands abstinence because he went 5 years once, then most recently, 2. we are similar in this way. we are also people who are aware that we are very motivated by sex. so perhaps we perform these acts of discipline in order for our minds to stay focused on what we need to be doing in the bigger picture.

colin notes the fact i can be so distracted by sex as one of the ways i think like a man. i tell him that lately, i’ve noticed that gay guys try to get with me, and straight girls keep trying to kiss me. so i’m turning gay men straight, and straight girls gay. i ask him what’s up with that, and he says it’s because i’m basically masculine energy inside a beautiful woman. and people sense that. he said i probably intimidate a lot of guys, because they get close to me and realize i’m a better man than they, but it’s good for them because it makes them better themselves. he said that he has feminine energy, so that’s why people are so attracted to him. basically, we have achieved a balance of masculine and feminine, yin and yang, in a self-contained, personal fashion. i believe it. i feel if the night is deep enough and i’m feeling generous, i can turn into anything a person wants me to be. and it’s still me, just another side of me. but i feel i’m able to achieve that, because i always know where my roots are, the core around which i’ve achieved balance.

he wanted me to read cards for him. so i did 3 passes, his current state, how he is at age 40, and what’s going to happen to his house. everything i saw was very positive, open and stable. very nice.

we laid on the floor by candlelight, talking about life, love and dreams. he fell asleep. i covered him with a blanket and left a pillow by his head, then went out to look at the sky. foggy today, but my little gold man is above the clouds, still pointing off into the distance.

i thought of how big the world is. so big, i can fit it into the palm of my hand. but then i think, why not let it unfold when it’s ready. so i put it down, bury it in the earth, and sit under the shade of a tree, waiting to see what it becomes.