Echo

“Oh Christ, the dildo’s back.”

What Happened In Albuquerque from The Goods

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Spain. I see Spain.

I just realized I worked on the same floor as the Italian American Chamber of Commerce West for 4 years, shared the elevator with them, passed them in the halls and saw them in the bathroom, and I’ve never said more than “Hi” to any of them.

How does that happen? That you can pass the same people every day, and never connect? Never want to connect?

I spent a good deal of my life too angry and numb to care about anything. And it was all because I’m so sensitive, I care about almost everything.

And now I’m in a different place.

Very aware. Very detached.

Balanced and at peace.

Today was a powerful day. And I tried to make the best decisions in every one of my choices and interactions. I would say I was…not necessarily nice (I did laugh at a woman who was too impatient to wait in line)…but…big.

What I do with people happens on a very small but very fast level. But the effects are very rich and all-encompassing. It happens when I pay attention. I intuitively know what things to focus on, what things should be brought to the surface. But I’m not aware of it, until I review experiences in hindsight. If people ever noticed that I spent the first 25 years of my life never really looking people in the eye, it was because I didn’t know what to do with it yet…what happens when eyes connect. I didn’t know how to balance the things I perceived with physical reality. But now, to an extent, I do.

I have learned to be careful. I know when someone looks me in the eyes and is dishonest. It is actually very uncomfortable for me. I don’t always know what the dishonesty is or why it’s there–it could be massive, it could be insignificant. It could have everything to do with them and nothing to do with me. But it’s there. A flicker in their image that makes me question what they’re hiding. But I put in tremendous effort towards disciplining my instinctual desire to chase the roots of what’s being hidden. That is how people trap me, since I have quite the taste for human mystery, what is at their deepest darkest core. But it’s unproductive. I have shit to do. So lately, I’ve chosen people who can look me openly in the eye, and be honest to the best of their ability, while being respectful of me and the connection.

Outside of one 14 year-old queen bee hipster chick trying to seem cool (what was she thinking!!), and AD (yeah, I totally just put him in the same group as a teenage girl), no one has tried to start shit for the sake of starting shit. I’ve called truce on fighting with people for the sake of fighting. What I have been projecting energetically to the insecure shitstarter types, is a sleeping lion. I will be kind and courteous, but do not forget what I am. That has kept the majority of that kind of life drama out of the way.

I am very, very, very, very, very, very, very happy about being single when I get to Seattle. Very, very very. Very. Don’t know why. Just am.

Saw the preview to new Aniston movie, set in…Seattle. I was damn near orgasming every time they showed an aerial shot of the Space Needle or the city. Oh my God, Oh my God, I kept saying as I rocked in my chair. I’m so happy, I said to Brian. We know, he said. He’s happy for me.

There were so many good lines in 500 Days of Summer. The one that comes to mind first is:

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Fuck you, whore.

the gray skies finally broke yesterday, so i headed out to the other room to watch the sunset and read the little prince. the sky was an ethereal palette, and at the table next to me was a group of happy italians. it was a wonderful way to spend dusk.

this morning, i got up as brian was taking his car to the dealership. i remembered that mine is due for a scheduled maintenance as well, and i want to get it done before i drive up to seattle, which will be as early as the week after next.

so i called, got an appointment and headed over. the rep they gave me was paul, this thai guy i worked with 2 years ago, the last time i took it in.

i told him the engine still does that weird thing where as i’m accelerating, it feels like it drops for a few seconds into neutral as the rpm spikes, then sudden kicks hard like getting kicked in the butt by a horse. he offered to do a test drive with me.

while we were driving, we started talking and the conversation turned to life potential when i mentioned the reason i haven’t brought my car back in the last year even though i’m still having the same issue, is because i was living in europe. he asked me about it, and mentioned that he feels he’s been living in la for too long and wonders if it’s time for a change.

man, these are the types of people i always connect with–deeper, passionate people with such high potential…at a crossroad.

so we talked and it was a good connection. i told him about the list i made in 2007, and how 2 years later, i’ve somehow done everything except for one thing, but i have faith it will happen when the time is right. it didn’t matter what the actual item point was, just that once it happens, my list will be completed, proof that if you believe in things enough and have enough faith in yourself, life can be exactly what you try to make of it. he asked what the last item was, and i told him, to meet a basketball player i have great respect for. i told him i was close…lately, a lot of people that i’ve been meeting are friends of his, and we almost met a couple of weeks ago, but the timing didn’t feel right so i was glad when it didn’t happen.

he tells me that he’s from thailand, and whenever he goes back, he doesn’t want to leave. that he thinks he could be very happy, making less money but enough to have a comfortable life there, but he also has a wife who doesn’t want to go, and a son to think about. i told him that there’s always a balance, there’s always compromise. that sometimes, we have to make realistic considerations, but that should never stop our hearts and minds from looking at things for their highest potential. somewhere in between will be a balanced situation that will be “enough.” whatever is right for us, we’ll be happy with, because it’s enough. but first we must discover what that place is, and what it looks and feels like.

he dropped me off at urth cafe and said he’d call me when my car was ready. i did my free write, and finished the little prince.

first of all….

wow.

another example of books and magic. reading this was exactly what i needed to read at the exactly right time, and scarily resonant of the things i’ve been writing for a long time, down to some of the symbols that are motifs in my world.

here’s something interesting.

so the bahamas cruise was shallow and in a way difficult. like superficial forces in the world were challenging the reality of my rich, inner world, and challenging my beliefs. i felt so lonely being around these people, that there were so many points i would do anything just to be alone.

the 2nd night, i cut out early and went back to the room. i’d had a nasty encounter with this man at the blackjack table and was done being around people. hong had wanted to play blackjack so i sat down, playing 3rd base which is where i like to be. i feel that i’m a trustworthy 3rd baseman, willing to do what’s necessary for the table. so there was this older man between hong and i. he had terrible energy, very negative, and kept talking to me, wanting to know where i was from, etc. i was keeping my answers polite but short. when he found out i’m from la, he said he was too. he said, i’m a lawyer, and a usc guy, like i should be really impressed. i didn’t respond, pretending i was concentrating on my cards. instinctually, i was wary of this guy.

he repeated again, i’m a lawyer and usc guy, his eyes burning through me. okay, i said, not looking up.

you know what usc, is right? like the place that runs everything.

(i hate usc. i spent a summer there, and find the whole culture symbolizes arrogance and false entitlement)

so finally, i say, “yes, i know what usc is. i’m not a big fan, but i didn’t say anything because i was trying to be polite.”

he doesn’t respond, but still keeps trying to get in with me. he wants to know how old i am but i ignore the question, so he announces to the table how old he is. 51. he says he’s venezuelan, but i don’t respond. i can feel his eyes on me. then suddenly he says, “what are you, like a poker player or somethin’???”

the waitress comes around to take drink orders and he says to me, “you want somethin’, honey?” the moniker made me clench my teeth. no thank you, i say, politely.

when i lost a couple of hands in a row, he looked over at my pile and said, don’t worry, you can use my money if you want.

i pretended not to hear him. i have money, asshole. and even if i didn’t, i wouldn’t want yours.

i was also kind of irritated with this middle-aged indian guy at 1st base who couldn’t play. engineers pride themselves in being so logical, but sometimes they’re very arbitrary; they just don’t recognize when emotion is coloring their decisions. he kept hitting on a 15 or 16 against the dealer showing 6. it was driving me crazy.

the last straw was when this big white dude with a handlebar moustache asked if he could sit to my left, thus becoming 3rd base. i moved over so he could sit, then old man venezuela asks him if he’s with me. it was kind of absurd. the guy looks confused, then says, no. and here’s the kicker.

that question was just an excuse to do this:

venezuela introduces himself, sticking out his hand to shake the guy with the handlebar’s hand. but he does it behind me, so he can run the back of his hand and forearm across my bare back, shake the guys hand, then slowly rub against my skin again as he pulls his hand back.

this was clearly a gross and inappropriate act of froderism.

the panther inside me let out a low snarl, baring teeth.

venezuela looks at me out of the corner of his eye. i refuse to show any acknowledgment or give him eye contact. he’s an idiot standing at the edge of a cliff, the line so much closer than he thinks.

i look at hong.

i’m ready to go when you are, he says, naive to what were probably his own instincts.

let’s go, i say, already out of my chair. don’t even look at that sad, pathetic person.

(*saw him a couple times afterwards, once with his family while waiting for the elevator. he lowered his head and shifted behind his son when he saw me, but i saw him)

*****
that incident really irritated me, and the rest of the group was just sitting around drinking, so i went back to my room to write. i wrote about this incident, and some other things. i mentioned,

Children, whether good or bad, always find their way home. The question is, is this a good or bad thing?

the last thing i wrote was something that had popped into my head while watching the sunset earlier, and that i’d been thinking about all night:

I will never allow myself to be dominated. But I would like to be tamed.

tamed? where did that come from? i had no idea what it meant. but i don’t always understand the meaning of things that come out
of my mind or mouth. only that in some way, i can feel they ring true, but i just don’t know in what way yet.

*****
so as i’m sitting at urth cafe today, i get to the part where the little prince meets the fox, and the fox explains what it means to be tamed. i was sitting outside on a clear, beautiful day with the sun shining down, my body reverberating with chills as soon as i read that word.

“‘But if you tame me, my life will be filled with sunshine. I’ll know the sound of footsteps that will be different from all the rest. Other footsteps send me back underground. Yours will call me out of my burrow like music. And then, look! You see the wheat fields over there? I don’t eat bread. For me wheat is of no use whatever. Wheat fields say nothing to me. Which is sad. But you have hair the color of gold. So it will be wonderful, once you’ve tamed me! The wheat, which is golden, will remind me of you. And I’ll love the sound of the wind in the wheat…'”

holy shit. so this must have been what my soul meant when it had written that line about wanting to be tamed, as i walked through my loneliness despite being surrounded by a sea of people.

then when the fox tells the prince a secret — “One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”… i suddenly understood a line i had written a couple of weeks ago in my free-write while on the cruise to alaska, the day after being mesmerized by christian but not knowing what to say:

What happened to my eyes that I can’t see, yet I can see so much? In an echoing world of blindness, you find yourself a god to hang on to and you fight your way towards him with all you’ve got.

i’ve really noticed that it’s become glaring, how i can’t tell people’s age anymore, their status, their superficial “types.” i’ve always been able to see deep into people, but since i came back from amsterdam, i can still see deep, and now these psychic intangible but very powerful impressions are what i put the majority of my faith and trust in, but i can’t seem to see shallow anymore. so the best i’ve been able to do to cope is to trust that these impressions, these feelings i get that i hold to be true but which other people can’t seem to see, are in fact real, even though i can’t seem to distinguish things that other people seem to hold to be most real.

relief. reading this made me feel relief. that i am not just okay, but i am better than okay.

then, i suddenly had a curiosity. i flipped to the back of the book to check antoine de saint-exupery’s bio, and calculated his birthday. i started laughing. a bittersweet laugh.

he’s a 9.

like me.

no wonder.

the soul expression and life path of 9 is a beautiful, expansive one, but a bittersweet one. often lonely. there is much time spent looking out into the sky, listening to echoes.

a man asked if he could share my table because the cafe had gotten crowded, and so he sat across from me, eating soup and working on a crossword puzzle. i got to the part where they’re looking for the well, and the narrator is carrying the little prince in his arms. he says, “‘What moves me so deeply about this sleeping little prince is his loyalty to a flower–the image of a rose shining within him like the flame within a lamp, even when he’s asleep…And I realized he was even more fragile than I had thought. Lamps must be protected: A gust of wind can blow them out.'”

my eyes teared up. i was exasperated with myself but i couldn’t stop. it was going to happen. tears spilled. oh, how embarrassing in public i can be.

like david gray wrote and which i always repeat, “the only things worth living for are innocence and magic.”

the man asked me if i was okay. yes, i said.

but even if i knew why i was crying, i wouldn’t have told him.

antoine, you beautiful fellow 9 traveler…

thank you.

*****
when i got back to the dealership, i sat with paul for a while, talking to him about his life path and goals. i told him to write everything down and put the list where he could see it every day. so many people don’t even really know what they want in life, so the first step is to know what you want. be specific. how can life give you what you want, if you are unclear yourself about what you are asking for?

there was suddenly a loud crunch.

he jumped up. oh no, he said. someone hit your car!

we went outside and it was this little old lady who had been trying to drive out of the service area but misjudged the space. my back bumper was dented.

she felt really bad and was shaken up, but i told her it was okay, and laughed about how these things happen. it’s just one of those things, and maybe this little accident prevented something bigger. that maybe if she had driven out, she might have been hit by some idiot texting someone and not paying attention. sometimes these little inconveniences are life’s way of protecting you from the big tragedies.

so i spent time talking to her so she wouldn’t fall into a negative affect cycle. i learned that she’s from calgary, retired, and was a former biology and chemistry teacher. that she had been living in la since 2003, but had originally moved to cupertino with her husband after they’d retired. that she has 2 sons who are writers as well, one on the simpsons, and one on bones. i tell her that a good friend of mine, jessie, is an assistant to one of the simpsons writers, and text her to find out who. jessie texts back the guy’s name, but says she knows the woman’s son and that he’s a really nice guy. the woman was happy to hear that, and i tell her that children who grow up to be nice people show that they were the product of good parenting. someone from the body shop comes out to give an estimate, and we exchange information. she thanks me again for being so nice and for not being angry and yelling at her, and i said, i’m very happy with my life, so it’s easy for me not to be stressed about little things. life unfolds the way it unfolds, so you can either resist it, or make the most out of every moment.

paul walks me to the front to get my paperwork done. he tentatively asks me how i feel about the accident, if i’m upset, and i laugh and say, “i’m too happy with my life right now to get upset about anything.” he says that these things sometimes are blessings, that maybe because this accident happened, it kept me from getting into a bigger one if i had left when i was going to leave.

i started laughing. that’s exactly what i told her!, i said.

i tell him that perhaps the next time i see him, his life will be in a completely different place. i told him that i feel he’s on his right path, and he’s going to be very happy. he thanks me for the talk and tells me, good luck in seattle. before he leaves, he asks, who’s the basketball player who’s the last one on your list?

i laugh. baron davis, i said. my family and i sat behind the warriors bench during that miracle run, and he and i used to exchange looks a lot. he’s on my list just for proof…so people can see that i did “magically” accomplish what i set out to do. proof of the effect of faith and belief in yourself, that life gives you exactly what you ask of it. plus, baron and i have got it in us to be good friends.

he laughs as he shakes my hand. that’s truly amazing, he said.

stretching someone professionally does not lead into erotic massage. that is ridiculous.

as predicted, last month’s trial came in the realm of karmic love, and this week’s would come as sexual boundaries. can i maintain my own boundaries? can others respect them?

the overall answer is, yes. you must.

it doesn’t matter what you set out to do. it’s a matter of if you believe in yourself to carry it through. and this was how i chose to discover the extent of myself.

i’m going to seattle next week. everything is coming together so quickly, so easily, almost like slipping through a doorway into another room. it surges me with courage, how sure i am that i need to do this now, and i feel it is an overwhelming feat, but i will have faith in myself.

i suddenly understand what people mean now about finding the right place. i’ve been unhappy in la for a while. not unhappy with my life, but unhappy with the city and what it does to people. but to be honest, i also need it because it rejuvenates me and i treat it like a trampoline…it’s so healing yet repulsive, it pushes me into the next place in my life. love/hate…though beautiful with everything a person needs. i don’t think seattle is my home base, but i feel it will mean something to me. it has always reminded me of the place inside myself where i hold my deepest, most peaceful things. it has always felt similar.

i am walking into it with optimism and realistic eyes. i’m not looking to “find” something in seattle. i’m most excited about what i will “do.” that puts all the responsibility (opportunity) on me, but also, gives me the passion and reins to make something unbelievable out of it. when it comes to drive, i’m a winning horse. just have to maintain focus and have faith.

Things I Will Do:

1. Finish Secret Life of Lies.
2. Publish Bleeding Blue.
3. Win an award for Off the Strip.
4. Write a successful personal empowerment book.
5. Become a recognized healer.
6. Become a powerful speaker.
7. Before I die, lay it all down in The Guide to Recognizing Your Soulmates.
8. Meet a man named Chauncey.
9. Find the blue man with olive skin.
10. Be surprised when it happens.
11. Own the luxury writing cave with a balcony facing west with views of the water.

Classes I would like to take:

1. Photography
2. Spanish
3. Mythology
4. Comparative Religion
5. Behavioral Neuroscience
6. Ballroom Dancing
7. Photoshop